I don’t want to change him, but I want him to change his addiction – K’s story
Soon after they married, K began to discover the true extent of her husband’s porn habit. She explains how his obsessional behaviour makes her feel:
I’m 32, just got married 3 months ago, we love each other. Before we got married, my husband told me that he like to open porn website and I accepted him and I thought that it’s normal for a guy. After we married, I found a lot of his porn download video collection in his computer. When I asked him, he said that video could make more intimacy between us. Once again, I accepted his reason.
I love my husband, he is faithful and never cheating, I trust him. What make me pity of him, his sleeptime is changed now, he’s easy to get tired because he spent a lot of time in front of his computer by watching or downloading porn video or some politic news. He awoke in very early morning and again he downloaded porn video. It made me unhappy that when we watched tv show together, he seem that he was concerned about his download porn video, made him not concentrate for our tv show, he was back to his computer.
After we hang out together, he always said ‘Can we go home now?’ and after that he’s back to his computer and enjoying his porn video. I feel like that I’m his #2 and porn video his #1. I never doubt that my husband never cheated to somebody, he is lovely husband. I don’t want to change him but I do want him to change his addiction. Can you give me advice? thank you
When a new boyfriend or husband is initially open about their fondness for pornography, it’s easy to accept that this is just something that guys do. And that’s certainly true – many men and couples do look at porn, without damaging their relationships or intimacy. Unfortunately, his interest in porn might already be out of control.
Your husband may have been compulsively collecting porn for a long time. When he tried to justify his habit by talking about the benefits to your relationship, he may have been trying to convince himself too. Addicts continually try to explain and justify their habits in their own minds. When a relationship or marriage comes along, they might try to sell the delusion to their partners.
At first, their justifications can be very convincing; he might feel desperate to somehow balance the new married lifestyle with his solitary behaviours of the past. As you have found, this becomes an impossible situation and the partner becomes a casualty of the bizarre conflict.
Addicts do find themselves living in a state of almost constant tiredness. As well as the late night porn surfing sessions, their energies are drained by the permanent state of anticipation for getting back to the computer. As you have found, guys can be at work, watching TV, playing sport or even out socialising – as long as there is porn downloading at home, they are distracted by the buzz of anticipation.
In recovery, guys are usually staggered at how much mental energy they wasted on the empty pursuit of pornography. It’s embarrassing for them. The fact that they could have continued living in the addiction bubble whilst their relationships and careers fell around them is ultimately a very scary one.
As you say, this painful situation is different to traditional ‘cheating’ because he is still around the house. Partners of porn addicts experience the emotional neglect, disappointment and sometimes the self-blame of a cheating husband, but retain the small security of knowing there is nobody else involved. Either way, you are entitled to a better relationship and lifestyle with your husband than this.
The first step in addressing this problem is to honestly tell him exactly how his behaviour makes you feel. Explain that you feel like you come second to porn in his life, and this is definitely not the relationship you chose. He really needs to understand this.
If he responds with the ‘intimacy benefits’ argument or tries to discount the problem with ‘but all guys are the same’, simply refuse to play the justification game. Explain that this is a very real problem in living with the man that you love.
If he acknowledges the problem, this is definite progress. If you are both able to openly discuss your feelings, you will be able to explore possible reasons for his habit. It may be an old coping or escape mechanism that really is not needed any more, but has become too ingrained to recognise and let go.
Ideally, he will take responsibility for this problem and agree to take some positive steps in facing up to it. It may be useful for him to make a counselling appointment, or research the many helpful resources available online.
Recovery is often a step-by-step process, and there can be frustration and some painful realities along the way. It certainly is achievable though, and loving relationships can be rebuilt. Thank you for sharing your story with such openness, and I wish you every success in taking these important steps now.
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