I don't know how to get back on track - D's story

Submitted by a reader on Mon, 19/10/2009 - 18:57

a reader's picture

i am 33 and i am suffering with masturbation and porn addiction since my teens. i do not agree with the statement that masturbation and porn doesn't harm physically. actually what i feel is that they harm our nervous system and if we keep doing them they damage our body.

i am facing severe health problems. i look older then my age and it hurts me bitterly. whenever i see the mirror i want to find how bad my face is looking. i have anxiety problems. i feel i wasted the best part of my life in loneliness, shame and guilt. don't know what to do. and still i cannot stop myself watching porn in late night.

i don't know what i have to do to come back on track. recently i took an online test for ADHD and the results were positive. sorry i sound like a complaining jerk but that's what my life is...

Thank you D, and I'm sure nobody here would consider you a complaining jerk. The 'share your story' function is for getting all of this off our chests, and your contribution is very welcome. And you are certainly not alone with these feelings of despair.

When people tell me that they 'cannot stop themselves' from looking at porn, my response is 'yes you can'. It's very easy for me to say that, but I do know just how trapped and impossible the situation can feel. Many people are turning to porn to distract themselves from other issues in their lives, including health problems, loneliness, and a perceived lack of control or direction.

When we were teens, masturbating to porn felt like an immense buzz. So with all this free porn just a .com away, it's convenient to repeat the ritual, day in and day out. It numbs our emotions like a comfort blanket, but always leaves us feeling more anxious and overwhelmed, and inevitably returning for more. And it's true that we can be stuck in this downer loop for years; a tragic waste of our time and resources.

You can do something about this. Those feelings of regret and loathing can be channelled into positive action.

We break the habit by figuring out which pains or unmet needs are numbed by the porn habit. It helps to weigh up what porn does for us, now and back when it first became a habit. We can learn to recognise the feelings that drive us, especially at those times when we're craving to absorb more porn. With this self-insight, we can look at ways to get our needs met more positively.

I'm wary of online tests, but they can provide some pointers. It may be helpful to speak to your doctor about ADHD, and your feelings of low self-esteem. A step-by-step recovery plan will help you to develop a positive recovery attitude, and I wish you every success as you build on the step you have taken here.

Hello,

First of all, I definitely DON'T think your a jerk or anything of that kind. I do really feel a great deal of pain & an intense sense of regret in your story, your story rings many bells for me & has a lot of similarities for many of us that come to this excellent website.

**Your story touches me and I really feel such compassion for you because you sound so lost (at a loss), well this is just my personal opinion. The first thing that you need to do is STOP beating the shit out of yourself for using porn. Just because you used (use) porn doesn't make you a BAD person, just in the same way having a drink or even getting blind drunk doesn't make you a bad person. Porn is absolutely 100% no! different.

**What is required here is a process of healing yourself (self healing) perhaps the first thing to say is that its very common to use porn & compulsive masturbation in order to avoid acute feelings such as acute anxiety? does that ring any bells here? Using porn as a sort of comfort blanket, as a way to damp down difficult feelings such as insecurity, distress or hurt or loneliness,etc. This is porn as pain killer, as a way to numb out.

**On a practical level its best NOT to try doing cold turkey (sudden withdrawal) but to try slowly to reduce your dependency upon using porn little bye little over a few weeks or months. Ultimately try to avoid porn online (any kind of porn) completely and the more you can create some form of distance between you & porn the better. Try to channel your energy into other activities out in the real world, especially activities that bring you into contact with other people & women on a social level. The more you can channel your energy into other things the less you will rely on porn.

**How about trying a period of time with masturbation but without the porn? I found this worked well for me as it allowed me the pleasure again but without feeling dreadful.

Take care & be good to yourself, Alex

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To become free of the burden of a long standing porn habit. I do think it is helpful to have some sense (plan) of were you would like to be say in 6 months or a years time with yourself.

If porn wasn't a problematic issue of itself then this website wouldn't exist, I think then its pretty much safe to say that using porn is a problematic subject for a large number of people.

**There is always the question of why? we use porn in the first place. The answer to which can vary a great deal but I have concluded that one of the most strikingly obvious reasons for using porn is to numb out emotional distress (feelings that are hard, or just tremendously difficult to face up to), porn as escapism in difficult times, porn as a form of pain killer or to damp down distress what ever form that takes. Porn is no better or worse than other methods of self distraction such as alcohol or other illegal drugs.

**There are also the moral & ethical stroke spiritual questions around porn itself. Who creates porn & why, who gets exploited in the creation of porn. Does porn involve humiliation & degrading behaviours in regard to the models (female & male) & in making photographs & films? Who is using who?

**Is the end viewer (consumer) being exploited? or does the using viewer just exploit or humiliate themselves. Who gets hurt most by using porn?

These are some of the extremely intriguing questions that keep coming to my attention time and again.

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I think that porn is bad. It is very bad for you. It is not a good thing. It is okay if you use it because it does not make you a bad person. When will porn stop becoming so readily available, I don't know. Only time will tell. Is that even the solution? Maybe there is a solution out there that will actually eliminate the cause of the problem. But I don't think that can happen until you actually realize what the cause of the problem for everybody is. We are all sharing the cause because we are all using it.

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Hi Nicholas,

YES! I think you have a VERY valid point in what you are saying. Perhaps one way to look at this is to say global capitalism works because it requires markets (as in the concept of a market place in products & services) porn is a product that finds niche markets across the internet. The sole cause for the exsistence of porn is to make money from our human vulnerabilities. Secondly, you could also say that markets for porn only exist because of demand i.e. capitalism only works because of demand & supply, supply & demand.

**Even if you say porn is very bad for you. I personally don't believe porn itself is "very bad" for us but I do think its better to avoid if at all possible. In the same way one drink is OK but getting blathered because you drank x4 shorts & x10 pints of beer & then tried to drive home i.e. drinking & driving is extremely dangerous & bad for everyone. Its all a matter of degree.

**Its easy to blame porn itself but we are NOT small totally naive innocent children, we are adults and "we do have" choice. You can a) NOT switch on the PC & go online, b) You can go online and NOT view porn, c) you can set up free content filtering via OpenDNS and use the internet & not stumble across porn. In other words adults do have a choice about the way they choose to behave, no body or few people seem to ever mention personal responsability for using or not using porn.

**NOBODY is forcing you to go online & view porn. It is a choice you make yourself and for which you alone are responsible. If you DONT like porn, or the negative effects it has on you dont go onto the internet and view porn. Just like watching TV if you don't like the program or program content you can change channels & view something else more enriching or there is always the OFF button.

**Using porn is a CHOICE, its a personal choice no matter what anyone says thats my opinion. If you make that choice to use porn then you also have to deal with the consiquences too.

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i have a problem i cant stop looking at internet porn i like it at first but then i feel guilty and disgusting and the worst thing is its about to cost me my job which ive had for almost 3 years and i love my job but i have a problem and dont know how to fix it

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oh and i also have a beautiful girlfriend which i love she has everything ive ever wanted mentally physically and emotionally but i still feel the need to look at other women or other peoples sex acts and i feel like a piece of shit excuse my language

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