Husband’s porn addiction – can we get through this? MI’s story
I’m not a porn addict, but I’m married to one. I’ve been with my husband for my entire adult life- 14 years- I became aware of his addiction early on, but had no idea what I was getting into. I was notified by his college roomate- about a year and a half in, that my husband/then boyfriend, was calling phone sex lines from his home- his roomates discovered this when they got a 500.00 phone bill. At the time, I was thoroughly disgusted and ready to leave, but he explained that he’d used it as a grief coping mechanism (he’d recently lost a sister)- so I bought it.
Things were fine (seemingly) for the next few years, we got engaged, moved in together, I scoured the monthly phone bills, and all seemed clear. Then, I started noticing unknown numbers on the phone bill, but they were all residential- I asked him about these numbers, and he said that it had to do w/playing video games online…at the time I didn’t know that this was b.s. so again, I let it go, but this time had a nagging suspicion that something was going on. I caught him watching porn a few times on the computer, but didn’t think THAT much of it, all of my friends said it was no big deal, so I figured I could live with it- although I asked him to stop.
Just before our wedding, I saw a chat on his computer screen- all that was left was a woman’s screen name and the words “night sexy” typed to my husband. I confronted him and he told me that he had been chatting, but it was nothing sexual- I don’t remember exactly how, but he admitted to talking to her on the phone- I hit redial on the phone, and it was the number that had appeared on our bill for years- the ‘video game’ number. A woman answered, and I asked her if she’d been chatting w/my fiancee- she said yes, but told me that it was not sexual, just two lonely people conversing. I thought for weeks about calling the wedding off, but we decided to work through it. We went to counseling, but he didn’t like the therapist, so (stupidly) we quit going and thought we could work it out ourselves. At the time, I wondered what I couldn’t give him that was driving him to do this…those thoughts faded quickly.
We were married, no more strange numbers, no more porn or chat sites on the internet history, and I thought we’d gotten through. He’d apologized for hurting me, deceiving me, and seemed truely remorseful, and went to a counselor on his own. I thought we were out of the woods, until the number showed up on the phone bill again. He apologized, said he’d slipped and it would never happen again.
A few nights ago his phone rang at midnight. He was in bed, so I answered. The woman asked for someone by a name that was not my husband’s, so I told her she had the wrong number. She called back a moment later, recited the number she was calling and described what my husband looked like and what city he worked in. I felt anger and sadness surge through my body, she claimed that he had been texting and chatting w/her for months, she got very hostile w/me and told me that he couldn’t be married b/c she talked to him at all hours of the day and night, and had even come to her home at one point in December. She said he tried to have sex w/her but he was impotent. I took the phone in, woke my husband, put it on speaker and he grabbed it out of my had and turned it off. I thought I would die at that moment.
Not only had he done these things online, but he’d been to her house? I didn’t know what to do, we stayed up talking/me screaming/crying until 7 am, he swore that he did not have any physical contact w/her…that he went there b/c she was threatening to stop chatting w/him if he didn’t meet her for coffee and because of his compulsive behaviour had become part of the “game” and he didn’t want to lose…he said that when he got there he knew he was wrong and had entered a bad situation and immideately left, angering her and causing her to react badly and he stopped contact w/her. He said she did not initiate any sexual contact, but that it was uncomfortable and he realized what he was doing was very wrong. He thinks she fabricated the story b/c she was angry that he never told her he was married, and she thought they could date in the real world. I didn’t believe him (still not buying it, but am hoping it is true). We went through the phone records and emails and there was no contact w/her in the last 6 months.
He claims that he believes that it’s part of a compulsive issue that’s associated w/his ADD (attention deficit disorder) and that he’s already started working on this w/his ADD therapist. He said that he’s not making excuses, but trying to figure out why he has these problems and doesn’t make good decisions (to say the least) or realize the hurt he’s causing until it’s too late…Anyway, this opened up a whole new wound, he told me about 2 email addresses he used w/names that weren’t his own- he let me into it to see what he’d been doing…claiming that he knew he had a serious problem and needed to be honest w/me about everything.
There were at least 50 different emails to women over the last few years from porn sites, internet hook up sites, various chat sites- all with names that included slang terms for female anatomy and lots of 69′s and xxx’s. As I began to read what my husband had written to these strangers I thought I was literally going to have a heart attack. My heart was pounding through my chest, I was nauseated and had the chills and a cold sweat. The man I thought I knew/trusted/loved, etc.. was typing graphic disgusting things that he wanted to do to these strangers, and have them do to him… scarily, he gave an intersection by our home as his location, and sometimes sent actual photos of himself- not nude or pornographic, but a photo I’d taken of him at halloween. So scary. He broke down and said that he had a serious problem that was ALWAYS over the internet or phone. The only time he’d seen one of these people was the one I spoke to…and one that showed up outside his school years ago b/c he told her where he was a student. I didn’t believe him b/c what are the odds? So I started emailing the women from his email accounts. I got some responses, all of which said they’d never met or seen him, just internet chats. This is not good, but sadly, it did make me feel better.
I’m so confused, he’s already found support groups for internet/sex/porn addiction and is going to go to all of them as well as individual and couples therapy. He’s sworn that he never PHYSICALLY cheated on me, but admits and understands that he was cheating by talking/txtng, etc. He’s bought software for me to install so I know exactly what he’s doing, and has permanently blocked all texts, deleted all accounts w/fake names and chats, given me access to all email and phone activity, etc…he will take a lie detector, get gps tracking put on his car, and anything else he can think of to prove that he’s done and sorry. I am torn b/c it’s too little too late, but I still love him , wish I didn’t- it would be so much easier.
I feel pathetic, but know I’m not responsible in any way. He wanted me to be sure that I understood it had nothing to do w/me and it was entirely his problem- no kidding!!! I don’t know why I’m making a distinction in the physical/virtual cheating, because I believe either way it’s cheating- a deal breaker…but for some reason, since I have more proof that it was never physical than not, I seem to be willing to try and get through this. I know this seems ridiculous, all of it does- there’s no justifying or rationalizing this type of thing.
I have only told my best friend- who was also cheated on by her partner, and my husband’s mother (because his father recently cheated and left her, and I thought she’d give good advice) I’m too embarassed to tell anyone in my family or any other friends, and I’m so confused. I still don’t know what I’m going to do, I feel like a fool, and I would tell any of my friends to leave him if they were in this position…I would tell them that there is NO WAY they could ever trust him again, but here I stay, hoping we can get through this. If you had told me this story I would have immediately called myself an idiot for even thinking of staying w/such a pig- I can’t believe I actually want to work things out, but I do. I really still love him after all of this, although I don’t trust or respect him at all. I’ve explained this and told him I don’t know if I can do it, but agreed to try counseling before I moved out. He understands that I can’t live a life of constant wonder, and distrust, but feels he can get better and we can get through this. He’s apologized for everything and claims to be horrified by his actions.
If you have any thoughts or advice, I’d greatly appreciate it. Thanks, it felt good to get it out if nothing else. Your blog is amazingly helpful in an extremely dark time in our lives. I’m so happy to have found this site, my husband found this and showed it to me- he also said it helped him see the damage done to other side by reading the posts here.
Thank you MI for sharing your story and frustrations here.
It’s clear that foundations for recovery have been laid, and your husband is displaying positive motivation to make these essential changes in his day-to-day behaviour. He’s working on becoming accountable, removing temptations, exploring the underlying causes with counselling and group therapy. Of course, it’s very encouraging to hear that he’s being so proactive to salvage your relationship, quit playing games and deserve your trust.
It’s often a difficult balance when repenting husbands or boyfriends go all out for openness. As his partner, you are encouraged by his humbling honesty. But as he admits further details about the things he got up to behind your back, you can’t help feeling even more duped and repulsed. He wants today to be a turning point, but it will be some time before you can genuinely respond with sufficient trust and empathy. You need your own process of emotional healing, and you are completely entitled to it on your own terms.
At this time of fragile confidence, it’s recommended that partners discuss what level of detail they both prefer before sharing specifics about his porn behaviours. But it may be a little late for this; through the painful events and revelations that you describe, your anger and disappointment is riding high. Partners acutely resent him for stringing them along, and begin to resent themselves for somehow allowing it to happen.
There is no doubt that couples can heal from the aftermath of porn addiction, and even enjoy an intimacy and rapport that they never experienced before. A fundamental part of this repair is moving on from anger and creating conditions for forgiveness.
Your anger needs an outlet, but it can too easily erupt. It’s tempting to direct all your resentment at him as a form of punishment. It may be well deserved too, but risks setting back all the recovery progress that you are both trying to achieve. So it may be helpful for you both to focus on improved communication of your feelings and fears at this time. Attending couples therapy can certainly help with this, so the suggestion of attending some counselling together is a good one. Ideally, you will be able to put together a simple strategy for regular and clear communication with each other, free from reprisals and gory porn details.
Above all, I reiterate that this healing cannot happen overnight; it is a process that may take months or years. But the indicators of hope and understanding can soon become apparent, and you can both build on this one day at a time. I wish you both every success.
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dam thats not good DIVORCE HIM
i can so relate to this experience. the lies, the promises to stop, the mind games. thank you all so much for this site. i take a lot of support from it everytime i read it.
Hello,
I have HUGE!!! admiration for your courage to tell such a sad & painful story. I was very touched by the things you have said, and nobody could accuse you of not having tried to help your husband. Here are some other thoughts I had on reading carefully through your piece.
No.1 Your husband remains very deeply in denial of his problem/s. He still cannot see how badly it is affecting others let alone himself. This is actually a very common position for someone with a porn obsession or porn compulsion.
No.2 Sadly it is extremely difficult to get someone who is in such denial to admit they have a problem or to face up to that problem. Such denial is a psychological defense mechanism & like any form of shielding or protection, if the issue is confronted head on the person will blank out any conscious knowledge of the problem i.e. such as telling lies, blurring the actual truth, lying to themselves any manner of deceptive techniques. Its whats called resistance in therapy.
No.3 A person has to be willing & ready (feel safe enough) to let drop their resistance, to let go of the core personal issues that porn is covering up. Porn itself is NOT actually the issue here it is more than likely to be something else less obvious. Perhaps such as fear of intimacy or some other emotionally unsolved issue from his past or early life. I am talking about issues that are repressed and therefore in that persons unconscious psyche (i.e. below every day awareness). Yes! psychotherapy or counseling can help a person but only if they themselves choose that path. And only if it is chosen genuinely other wise its possible to be just back to kidding themselves i.e. part of yet another game of self deception.
No.4 If there is no! trust then the relationship is on rather thin ice I would suggest.
No.5 If he cannot be 100% honest with you then the same as no.4.
No.6 YES! it is 100% definitely HIS problem but it clearly causes you great pain.
No.7 If he cannot really change and really truthfully deal with his behavior, then that only leaves you with one choice to make a change in the nature of the relationship yourself. Even if that means laying down a stark choice i.e. change and be in this relationship with me 100% or I leave you can you can deal with your porn problem on your own,etc. Perhaps such a stark choice might bring a dose of sobriety to him & the situation, perhaps it might make him see what he is doing? It’s possible?
No.8 YOU must NOT beat yourself up for his behavior its NOT your fault. The problem is all his as far as I can see what what you have written.
I agree with everything Alex has to say. Also, as someone who’s been in a similar situation, I’d suggest finding help and support for yourself. Though porn/sex addiction is your husband’s problem, it has serious negative effects on partners and families. We spouses become very confused and conflicted when we’re in the middle of something like this, and it’s often difficult to know what the right thing to do is because of the push-pull ambivalence of “I love him, but I hate his behavior.” In our attempts to help the addict and solve his problems, we often lose ourselves in the process.
I have to totally totally agree with Margaux comments. I think she makes a very good point in deed.
NOTE:- Don’t confuse self destructive behavior for the totality of the person. We are so much more than our chronic patterns of distress. The shocking truth is that for many people our lives are controlled by our unconsciously deep chronic patterns & too such a degree that we don’t even realize that this is the case. But sadly, that is the nature of unconscious patterns.
**Unless the what is unconscious is made or brought into conscious awareness, then we are in danger of repeating our patterns. If we remain driven by our unconscious patterns we are also always in danger of re-stimulation at any time. The negative behavior contained within the pattern is once again triggered and acted out. (if that makes sense?).
That makes total sense, Alex. I think what’s really helped me to see my husband as separate person from his addiction was working on myself in my own 12-step program. (Not that I’m saying 12-step is the answer for everyone’s healing–therapy works, too, as do other recovery methods). Once I was able to see that I have my own destructive, unconscious patterns, it was easier to understand and forgive my husband’s porn addiction. The fact that he has this problem doesn’t make him unloveable, just like the fact that I have my own ingrained issues doesn’t make me unloveable. However, that doesn’t mean that either of us are off the hook for finding healthier, more productive ways of dealing with life. The fact that a person has problems isn’t a dealbreaker–we all have problems; that’s what makes us human. However, for me, the dealbreaker is the denial of having issues and the need to work towards health.
A lot of people are divided on whether a porn addict’s spouse needs help for him/herself and whether “codependency” is an accurate term, but whatever you want to call it, I’ve found that it’s helped immensely for me to seek my own therapy/recovery.