How my porn habit is affecting me - IJ's story

We often focus on the catastrophes that a raging porn obsession can introduce into our lives. Divorce, redundancy, bankruptcy; the fallout hits us hard. But porn addiction can impact us in more insidious ways too. At what point do we recognise the deeper damage?

IJ shares his experience and feelings:

My rise to porn has been gradual. Eh... a video of my brother's when I was thirteen and occasional magazine I found, nothing too major.

I always respected women, I loved them as creatures of the earth. Now I'm afraid with the click of a mouse, my outlook has shifted to "women are nothing but a click away". Sex? Who needs that? I got comcast cable.

Anyway, any addiction is a dangerous thing and it's so easy to stay on because it really doesn't affect me like per se a drug would. Immediately after I would do a drug of any kind, I'm sure I could see how it was directly affecting my life, slow brain, bad relationships etc., but porn knows how to slowly creep, until my want and need for women is nothing, but a mouse click away. And not to mention, the sheer grossness of it all.

There are so many reasons not to watch porn and one to watch it... it feels good. You don't have to masturbate for it to feel good - it just feels good to watch it. Like any other drug that affects the human emotions and brain stimuli, it feels good. But how it's affecting me I guess I'll never know to 'til I'm rid of it.

When we're acting out our porn rituals, we lose ourselves to a powerful blend of sensations and stimulations. These include:

• Intense visual stimulation. It's impossible to calculate how many thousands of images and film scenes we might absorb during a porn session. How many models and performers are exposed to us in any one session? Who's counting?
• Ultimate convenience. More girls, scenes, clips and fetishes are always just another click away. So much porn is free; no passwords, no credit cards. Full length, high-quality movies can be downloaded within an hour.
• Scanning instinct. We train ourselves to cherrypick and choose instinctively. From a 50-image thumbnail site, our automatic-pilot porn instinct can pick out a handful of appealing images within seconds.
• Isolation. We lock ourselves away for extended periods of sexual stimulation; absolutely no social interaction required. Not even an adult store assistant or strip show worker. We place higher and higher value on time spent alone, solely focussed on our own appetite and urges.
• Power trip. The feelings of control are undeniable. It's as if everyone on the screen is exploiting themselves solely for our entertainment. If other areas of our lives might be spiralling out of control, our command over porn is something we can always depend upon.

So what's all this doing to our brains, day in and day out? Experts continue to debate just how damaging a compulsive porn habit can be. But there's no doubt that our attitudes towards women, sexuality and intimate relationships can become severely warped.

People struggling with porn addiction often notice their increased tendencies to objectify. They treat others at a superficial, porn-valued level. Strangers, people on TV, friends, partners; people become classified as eye-candy or boring move-on. Partners and close family members may be viewed as threats or obstructions to our precious habit, and we react with disdain and annoyance. Porn becomes the priority in our lives.

Of course, the potential for ruining intimate relationships with wives or girlfriends is immense. By the same process, our potential for embarking on any new relationship is severely impacted too.

As IJ suggests, we don't begin to see the full picture whilst locked into habit; we deny too much. In recovery, chinks of light appear between us and the compulsive mindset and routines. We might open up to feedback from a partner or anyone helping us to break out of habit. The reality of our habit starts to sink in.

It's often a bleak realisation too - truly understanding just how empty our lives became. But here's the plus point, and it's a big plus: I'm totally convinced that just as we can escape this habit, we can leave behind all the negative effects too. With true motivation, this is achievable by absolutely anyone.

Thank you IJ for sharing your insights. I wish you every success in breaking out.