How long do I give my addicted husband to change?

My husband is a porn addict and I first did not know it was really bad. I thought he was just your average typical guy with a handful of porn pictures here and there.

We'd both sit on the couch, myself on my laptop and he on his, and I kept noticing that night after night the amount of mouse clicks were just too much. So one day I asked, "hunny what's up with so much clicking". His answer was "Nothing! I'm not doing anything wrong".

So I let it go but in my head I knew something is up from his reaction. 2 days later while he was at work, I got on his laptop.

I could not find anything, but them I opened IE and searching thru his recent sites I noticed a path to a folder that I did not find it by searching his computer. I clicked on it and there it was: hundreds of movies and pictures. He had found a way to hide folders. I then plugged in the external HD we have for storage, and thru IE I found the same mysterious folder with tons more of pictures and movies.

It was painful and I was angry, mad, sad, disappointed.

I flew to the phone called him up and asked him "is there something you wish to tell me?". His answer was no.. I hung up on him, called him back and said you need to come home NOW. Which he did...

It was when he got home that he told me that he had been doing that for the past year and half. I told him it was porn or us. He did start therapy, but it's hard for me to trust him at all. I am trying to be understanding of his problem. It's extremely difficult, I feel like many women. I feel like I have to compete with the *other women* and I feel I am not enough. I feel I am ugly and fat.

He says he hasnt been doing it because he wants to make an honest chance for a change. But so often he feels frustrated and he breaks down and says that its really hard to not do this. He says is not doing the porn really the right thing to do?

He asks me if I'm I going to feel this miserable for the rest of my life? Is it going to be better? How long do I have to give this treatment to be porn free? What does the end result look like..?

He is a person that if you tell him "you do X and Y in 5 years and you will be done". He will follow that task knowing that the end result is *result*. But this he doesn't know.

The counselor never answers his questions regarding how long does it take to stop, or is it something that is going to make him feel miserable for the rest of his life?

I feel miserable now because when he says all this, I feel why is stopping porn for the sake of our relationship so difficult? Why choosing us over porn so devastating to him? Does that mean he doesn't really love me? Does it mean he wants out of our marriage? When I ask him this he says its not that at all. He says its the hardest thing he has done in his life. Porn for my husband comes from his teen years. He told me when it started, but can he stop?

How long do I give him to stop before we just go our separate ways? I love him, I am being as understanding and loving as I can possibly be but it hurts very deeply.

Does being porn free means that he will be happier, or will he always feel miserable like he has for several months since he started therapy? Should he change counselors now?

Thank you K for sharing your story here. I'll try to pick up on some of the questions you raised.

Why is this so hard for him? For many guys, their porn habit is a coping mechanism. The buzz of trawling and collecting porn is comforting and gives them a sense of control. So trying to stop looking at porn means a sudden removal of the comfort source. And it means facing up to whatever the habit has been comforting and distracting them from.

How long will it take? Learning to adjust, understand and let go of the old porn instinct does take time, and I'm sure your husband appreciates that. Things usually start to feel much easier after 3-4 months. I am talking about a period of abstinence from porn, but it's essential for him to follow some form of active recovery plan.

Will he always be unhappy? A lot of this depends on his mindset. If he's feeling like a victim ("why did porn do this to me?" or "you took my porn away"), then it will take a lot longer to move on. Hopefully his counselling sessions are working on this.

It's also a question of realistic expectation at this stage. He will experience 'chink of light' moments of freedom and relief, mixed with resentment and mourning for his old comfort habit. It's useful for him to notice these feelings, and accept that they are part of the process of change.

A porn habit can wreak havoc with our self-esteem. The lies, denial and sheer wasted time - it gradually chips away at our self-worth. Again, I hope that this is being addressed in the counselling sessions.

Should he change counsellor? It is possible that counselling isn't working for him, or he's not compatible with this particular therapist for some reason. If he feels like it isn't helping, he should be open about it with his counsellor. They may decide to take a different approach, or the therapist could refer him to someone else. Either way, it really wouldn't be unusual to make such a change.

How long do I give him to stop before we just go our separate ways? Everything suggests that he has accepted the real need for things to change, and attending counselling is a very positive sign. Let's not lose sight of that.

The real indicators of his progress, and the potential for your future relationship, are to be found much more in his actions than his words. How is your emotional rapport with him? Is he gaining any understanding of why he puts so much value on porn? Is he really seeking to find out, or just placate you ("I've tried counselling for you and it's not working..."). There's a lot of good information out there about this issue - is he actively researching and on the case?

I can't assume or guess on any of this, of course. If there are real indicators that he's open to recovery and ultimately values your relationship, all of your support and patience isn't in vain.

But this is your relationship recovery too. I often suggest setting a realistic timescale for things to positively improve. He needs to clearly understand that there is a deadline for his behaviour and attitude improvements, and he has your support during this period. If he just plays the 'recovery game' or 'victim role' beyond this time, you are entitled to freedom from all of this.