His computer means everything to him - K's story

I don't know where to begin. I guess I can start by saying I feel blinded and betrayed, and stupid.

I have been married to the same man for 18 years, and we dated for 3. While we were dating I found porn magazines in his room and he often rented porn. I let him know that I wasnt pleased with this and that it hurt me when he got off on the other women. He assured me that he had no idea how much it hurt me, and that he would never do it again. he said I was hot, and I was enough for him.

I trusted this.

After we were married and had our first child, he purchased his first computer. He is a self proclaimed computer geek and works with them for a living. He stayed up many nights and days "working" on the computer.... for years!!! I asked him a few times if he was ever doing porn and he would reply, " Hell no, I dont do that Sh&^. Plus, it can destroy a computer, and I dont want to ruin my stuff." So I believed him. He seemed serious.

After I had our second child, he seemed more than eager to help with her midnight feedings. I found this odd, and I called him on it! I got up in the middle of the night during one of these "feedings" to catch him watching late night cable.... (some naked girl taking a bath and masturbating). He didnt see me sneak up on him.

Again, he said " i was just flipping channels."

This hurt me tremendously, because #1...Im not stupid...and #2 I knew this had been a habit of his for a few months.He was never eager to feed the babies. I also felt very unattractive as i just had my second child, and although I remained thin, I had obtained less than flattering stretch marks all over my abdomen.

We got rid of that particular cable cahnnel and moved on....again. He promised he wasnt TRYING to SEE this stuff....it was JUST ON. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, we were young....I trusted we'd move on.

SOOOO for about the next 10 years, he was literally addicted to the computer!!! I had no clue how to even look for traces of porn, so i have no physical proof that he was doing it. However, I spent almost every weekend morning sleeping in bed by myself, and almost every night as well. His computer meant everything to him. I only witnessed his game playing, or music downloading.....but I know with his computer experience, he could hide ANYTHING. I had doubts, but wanted to believe he was clean.

Last year, after a trip to disneyland, I witnessed him oggling every set of boobs that walked by....18 year olds to 50 years olds. It was a behaviour that i never really noticed in him before. he checked out women right in front of me....2, or 3 times each girl!! I was mortified. I had just lost a bunch of weight and was trying my best to look hot for him. I was getting attention from every guy BUT him on this vacation...and then it hit me....he works on a college campus and sees college girls walking around him all the time!!! Why wouldnt he do porn to accentuate these fantasies he's probably having??? I then asked him to come clean.

I told him our marriage depended on it. That I felt as if i didnt know him any more. I was very scared that he had a porn addiction through most of our marriage.

He admitted to only 1, 2-week porn viewing, and he said he felt guilty, and never did it again! He admits he was addicted to the computer and that he was guilty of ignoring me....but he had a computer addiction.... however, he denies porn viewing.....for 10 years??? Why can I NOT believe this???? He also lied about a few other minor issues.... leading me to believe that he was very capable of lying, and not feeling remorse. he even told our marriage counselor that he had a computer addiction, but not a porn addiction.

So where do I go from here? He still denies porn addiction....however, I still feel as if he had a problem for most of my marriage and I feel entitled to know about it!! I feel as if I don't know him at all!!! I have always been here for him, and have always been honest......i can't trust him any more. Will he always deny this? Or will he ever come clean? And are there any guys out there who have any tips for me, etc???

Plus, I also suspect he had a porn problem, because he just found our son was viewing porn, and the advice he gave him almost seemed as if it were coming from someone very experienced. His main advice was "Don't look at this crap! Its highly addictive,VERY addictive.. and it can ruin marriages, etc. " How would he know the extent of addiction, unless he had experienced it?

How do i get him to open up????? I sense he is lying to me, and how can i ever trust him again with this looming behind us?? HELP!

Of course, your suspicions are justified. Typical indicators of compulsive behaviour include late nights 'working' at the computer while you sleep alone, grasping for excuses to stay out of the bedroom and blatantly ogling women out in public. And people with compulsive behaviours do become very convincing liars, even to themselves.

Denial is another indicator of a problem, but this is where things can get complicated. He genuinely might not consider himself a 'porn addict'. He's aware that the influence of porn is part of the issue, but it might just be one of many factors driving his solitary activities. It may be telling that he's labelling the problem 'computer addiction'.

We can't make too many assumptions here, but many people who contact me talk about internet addiction, marathon game playing sessions, obsessive downloading or hours spent aimlessly trawling news or technology sites. Mental health experts are still coming to terms with addiction to the 'buzz' of technology and being online. Some people feel as if electronic stimulation takes over from offline living, and online sex is very much a part of the appeal. And it goes without saying that this wreaks havoc with relationships and real-world responsibilities.

So the whole issue makes your husband jumpy. He knows that this is a far from ideal way to uphold a relationship and family life. Yet after so long, why does his compulsive game playing continue? How can he break up these 'online buzz' routines, stripping out the negative behaviours (emotional distance, hiding things, influenced by porn) from the good stuff (working with computers and furthering his career, for example)?

You've come to realise that challenging him over his porn addiction feels like banging your head against a brick wall. And every time he denies, he feels even more justified in retreating away to the safety and routine of his computer. Many couples find themselves playing these horrible games.

It may help to take a different angle. You've made it clear in the past that the porn and ogling is offensive to you. Open up your dissatisfaction and lay it on the line. What else does his attachment to the computer stop you both from enjoying? Travel, socialising, working together on projects, enjoying your children, intimacy and feeling secure with one another?

If you are continuing to work with a relationship counsellor, it may be helpful to focus on this 'bigger picture' of him taking your relationship for granted. Either way, he needs to comprehend exactly what you want from your marriage, as well as the stuff you don't like him doing. This might just help him to get his 'computer addiction' into perspective, and gives him a practical handle on how he could start putting things right.