Facing up to the future - Jim's story

Here's a frank account of the porn addiction experience that will strike a chord with many readers of this blog. Through my What's Your Story form, Jim describes his frustrations in trying to kick the habit, and his concerns about the effect on his relationship and new family:

"I need help. I've kind of been struggling with this addiction to internet pornography for about 10 years now, I am 30 and have a baby on the way. I want to kick this habit so much but am finding it so hard, every time I try to give it up I go to such great lengths to wipe my hard drive, break up my dvd's I have collated, but there is still that little niggling in the back of my brain saying " lets just have one more look" or " ooh I didn't download that".

It's becoming a joke to the point where I am trying to kid myself about this problem and almost am acting on autopilot, I kind of go into a daze and zone out, forgetting about time. Everything centers around the search for more!

My wife is understanding to some extent, but she doesn't know the full scale of my addiction and how much I am struggling with it. I want to stop it so that I can spend more time with her and the baby when it comes instead of getting angry when she calls me to come off the computer. I think it has had a definite negative effect on our sex life and I want that to be reversed. Half of me is ashamed and half is scared that this is an addiction for life.

What scares me the most I think is the thought of having to go to counseling or therapy for the rest of my life because of this. I really enjoy using my computer for recreational purposes, games, music etc, and am worried that because of this I won't ever be able to use a computer without being tempted again.

It is time to quit and get help. I know that but it's future that scares me too about relapse and not being able to live a normal life without the need to "have a look" and the possibility of wasting my life, marriage etc through this addiction is unthinkable."

The 'just one more look' voice, zoning out, autopilot, anger at being interrupted... yep this sounds like many of the boxes ticked. It can feel like a very lonely and miserable place, and my first assurance is that you are definitely not alone.

For many people, satisfying an online porn habit has been part of their daily experience ever since they discovered the internet. The routines of anticipation, surfing for that image or video clip, wasting hours and the inevitable angry hangover that follows have become almost instinctive. After ten years of this, it's easy for feelings of hopelessness to set in, which makes the cycle of behaviour feel even more difficult to break out of.

The good news is that it's never too late to turn things around. Yes that's a classic self-help cliche, but I'm pleased to say that it applies 100%. Here's another one: learning from your experiences is key to genuine change. You've established that wiping your hard drive and breaking up DVDs doesn't work. These are cold turkey quit methods, and you certainly shouldn't give yourself a hard time for trying them out and discovering that you returned to the habit. It's a part of the recovery process that every addict goes through; it just means that a different approach is needed here, and that's a very positive step in itself.

You mention something else that is absolutely essential to breaking the habit: clear, positive goals. During the phase of cold turkey attempts to quit, we tend to focus on what we so desperately want to stop doing. We tell ourselves to stop obsessing so much about porn, and wasting so many hours consuming it. We try to stop giving it so much priority in our lives. We try to look at less porn. Sooner or later, all of this proves to have the reverse effect, and we feel even more helpless and angry.

As part of a recovery plan, you can shift your focus. The question becomes this: what does your porn habit stop you doing? What do you really value more in your life, and how can you work towards doing more of it? You've already touched on some clear goals; spending more time with your wife, and rediscovering how to enjoy using the computer again. And of course, you have another massive incentive coming up - to give your time to your new baby, and fully experience this wonderful life event. These are the areas that need all your positive focus, and I know that's easier said than done.

I'm the first to admit that these changes in outlook and motivation don't solve the problem overnight; if they did, it wouldn't be an addiction. Successful recovery means taking a step-by-step approach, and a clear recovery plan will make this much easier to stick to. There may well be other areas that need some work; the underlying cause, the twisted benefits that the habit provides, the fear of relapse. Again, a recovery plan will help you tackle these issues, and it can be a tough trip.

I understand your worries about being locked in counselling or therapy for life - a grim prospect indeed. I don't deny that there are some approaches to addiction recovery that label you a 'recovering addict', destined for therapy and meetings for the rest of your days. Many people get some benefit from these methods too, but that's certainly not my approach.

Instead, look upon this like any problem that we encounter in life - it has a start, middle and an end. Successful recovery means progressing through these stages and then moving on in life. How far you are on that scale is determined by your motivation to change and the real actions that you take, and I wish you every success in working through that final stage.