Facing up to porn addiction - MW's story

In the following Share Your Story submission, MW describes a moment of realisation that many readers will certainly empathise with:

"Tonight I have come to realize the gravity of my problems. For a long time I have turned a blind eye to my compulsion and the guilt, shame and loneliness that follows. The feeling is like that I have known for a long time about this problem but never wanted to face it until now. I use almost every spare time I get to watch online porn and I often do it for hours and hours, until it´s so late in the night that afterwards I´m just wondering why time passed by so quickly. And the next day I wake up tired and thinking.. okay, tonight is not gonna end like last night. Many of you probably know how that story goes. What I´m also realizing is that after many hours of watching porn I´m still in this state of mind long after. And I sense how my mind is still tuned in on porn long after watching it, even the next day at work. I don´t wanna be like this. I have to do something about it. My wife and friends have no idea about my problem and I don´t want them to find out. I just want to get rid of this addiction. I don´t want my life to evolve around porn. This is not the way to live. I have to get rid of this. I don´t know why I´m writing this but I feel like it helps me understand the gravity of my obsession."

It's astonishing how porn addiction can hijack our lives in this way. When I discuss the problem with people who have no personal experience of addiction, they struggle to comprehend just how deeply porn obsession can impact our waking and sleeping hours. For the majority of people, it's an experience they simply cannot relate to. Porn addiction can have an intensity beyond any smoking habit or sugar craving. Indeed, addicts can often reach a point where they are living in a state of anticipation or comedown most of the time. Day-to-day activities like going to work or spending time with the family feel just like going through the motions; almost conducted on automatic pilot whilst the imagination anticipates the next porn session. Then the opportunity to watch porn arrives (usually taking up vast amount of time searching for 'that' video or image) and the ensuing comedown and regret follows. Anticipation for the next session kicks in again to numb the comedown, and so it goes on. This is the depressing half-life of porn addiction, and as you say, it's no way to live. Reality usually hits us during the comedown phase; that brief period of frustration and anger at ourselves before the anticipation fires up yet again. All addicts will recognise these 'this has got to stop' moments. So how can we actually listen to ourselves and break out of the addicted cycle? I have a feeling that this website, and all the other porn addiction sites out there, gets a fair amount of hits from people in the comedown state. Many visitors will read a page or two, recognise the problem in their own lives, maybe even bookmark the site, but they don't take any action. This isn't a criticism of those visitors - they just aren't ready to change. They may need a few more comedowns. Unfortunately, some people have to hit a rock-bottom crisis in their lives before they really can generate sufficient motivation to break a compulsive habit. Successful recovery needs a realistic, step-by-step plan. Of course, I'm recommending my own plan, but there are many other quality resources to help turn this issue around. The crucial point here is to realise that you do have the power to break the habit, and start taking deliberate action. There are plenty of options too; it is not essential that your wife or friends participate in your recovery. You fell into this problem, and you are perfectly capable of getting out of it on your own initiative. Thank you MW for sharing your story with such openness, and I wish you every success.