Every time I leave the house, his love for porn comes to life - two stories

Here are two accounts recently submitted by partners of men obsessed with porn. Thank you to EM and D for sharing your stories:

He doesn't work and he watches porn on his computer. He has 5 gig of it. Even our kids (17 and 12) have discovered him at it. What should I do? I've asked him about it and he denies it. Please help.

I am a wife married 22yrs and for most of these years my husband and i have had a good sex life. As for the last 3-4 years my husband discovered porno and masturbation. He has not had any sex or passion what so ever in these last several years, i find so much hidden porno like dvds and porno magazines hidden in the most crazy places.

I know every time i leave the house his love for porno comes to life. He wont ever attempt to get it on or have any fun as i only crave for. i really dont understand how he can think its okay not to give me what every women expects from their husband. i believe he really doesnt care about my needs . I am a very hip, good looking female that has no problem getting what i want but i stand true to my man hoping maybe tonight he will come around and we will have great love-making... but my patience is now at the end.

When my husband does show little affection i feel its not real. Ive done everything to let him know how devastated and hurt I am he just ignores or denies what i try to tell him. After all my emotions of hurt ive now come to the realization that he likes what he does for himself better then what we had. So now in my eyes i say to myself it dosent matter any more as i find my self drifting apart from the man i tried so hard to love me, to want me.

But i see its not me - he has  issues that he has to want to resolve. I ask myself 'do i leave this marriage' and waste no more time on something that is hopeless, and find happiness as i am not getting any younger. Thank you for your input it means a lot to me.

Both of these stories highlight the pain of living with a man in desperate denial of his porn habit. And it's a horribly bizarre situation. He's aware of his selfish obsession and the impact on his relationship and wellbeing. He's not stupid. Yet something keeps him locked into the porn routines and opting out of doing anything about it.

Many partners will also be able to relate to his withdrawal from sex and intimacy. All his energy and attention seems focussed on being alone with porn. He seems content to let his real love life dry up, and all your efforts to connect with him just makes matters worse. When he does have sex, he's just going through the motions and it's painfully obvious to you both.

Do adult websites and porn DVDs really have such a powerful hold over men? Has porn rendered him passionless and cold? Not really - I'm convinced that this negative spiral of behaviour comes from deeper within him. And that's why it's so difficult to make him wake up and change.

He's excited by porn, and he may have been titillated by it since his teens. Under normal circumstances, he would probably be open about his liking for porn. But this can't fully explain why he's letting porn dominate his life and ruin his relationship. His daily craving for the escapism of porn is driven by a deeper need or pain. Insecurity, anger, low self-esteem, fear, perfectionism, narcissism, emotional immaturity, any combination of these factors... we can only guess. Admitting his habit means facing his issues, and only he can make that choice.

You are not the cause of his obsession, and I'm afraid that you can't break him out of it either. If he can accept the problem, you can certainly support him and help him to become accountable. But this requires communication and rapport between you both. Communication is essential for any relationship, and that's why the withdrawal and selfishness of porn addiction is so damaging. It leaves you feeling isolated and unable to connect, and he retreats further into his own escapism.

I generally advise wives and partners to make their feelings as clear as possible. But you can only wait so long for him to wake up and respond. There are plenty of recovery options for him, like counselling, couple therapy or a self-help plan. The latter can even appeal to his male instinct to manage and fix problems. He doesn't need to find salvation or dedicate his life to recovery; he simply needs to understand himself and learn how to move on. Then your relationship has a chance to heal.

So it can be useful to set a clear deadline for some improvements in his honesty and respect for you. If partners continue to run into the brick wall of denial, they are completely entitled to seek fulfilment and love by leaving the relationship.