Emotional games with a porn addicted partner - R's story

R explains her despair and frustration at living with a pornography addicted partner:

It is really so hard. My partner is completely addicted to porn. I really just want out of the relationship but financially it is impossible right now. So I feel totally trapped. I have tried to reason with him about his problem but he just blames me. saying that he has to feel good somehow. He also has an anger problem. It all started when I discovered his porn use early in the relationship. I was heartbroken because I felt I had given myself to him heart and soul only to discover that he prefered a computer image to me. But i forgave him as he promised to stop.

But he didn't. the evidence was continually on the computer. He doesn't seem to have any regard at all for the pain he has caused me. In fact he doesn't even think it is a problem. I have lost total respect for him and just see him as weak and selfish.

I have felt compared to pornstars and have gone from feeling sexually vibrant and free to feeling unnatractive and repressed. I have well and truly had enough. I look at him and all i see is sleaze. We share a child together though which makes it so much harder.

For a long time I thought I was the problem and now I know the truth. having a relationship with a porn addict is like having a relationship with half a person. They are not mentally or emotionlly available at all. I often felt like he was sleeping with another woman because his focus was so distracted all the time but it was just the porn. it's almost like he's in a relationship with it. I KNOW it's not my fault but the pain is really hard to deal with. and being angry is not fun either. I am angry because his selfishness has caused me so much pain and it's even impossible to speak my truth because he turns it into a mind game argument twisting and turning everything. He disempowers me. any advice on dealing with these emotions would be great.

I'm sure that many partners will be able to relate to the emotional pain and disempowerment that you so clearly describe here. Thank you for sharing your story.

You are aware that you are not the cause of your partner's destructive habit, and I'd like to completely agree with you in this respect. From my own experience of working with addicts and their partners, the causes of the habit always lie elsewhere. Unfortunately, the addict very often seeks his own justification by blaming his partner, only adding to the deception and cruelty that porn addiction brings to a relationship.

'Half a person' is a very apt description of the porn addicted husband or boyfriend. He's still around the house, but emotionally living on automatic pilot. He's numbed and distracted; just going through the motions until he can get back in front of the computer. The one sure way to get him fired up is any attempt to intervene between him and his solitary routines on the internet; the resulting rage and sulks can seem completely out of character. Partners so often find themselves questioning what happened to the guy they fell in love with.

The addicted state has its own set of coping mechanisms, and all of them wreak havok with relationships. We've already touched on the delusion of shifting blame onto the partner. There are all those promises to quit too; these may be well-intentioned, or empty words just to get you off his back. Either way, the lack of any real action or conviction just makes them hollow, desperate ploys.

Compulsive addictions thrive on mind games, and the unfortunate partner will come to recognise three repeating roles. Self-pitying promises to quit arise when the addict plays victim. Blame shifting happens when he shifts from victim to persecutor, and tries to gain advantage by fighting back. This is when the anger blows up. With sufficient damage done, he can even shift again to rescuer, explaining that everything would be ok if you just gave him space, let him do as he pleases, etc. He's now the victim again.

For partners, it is indeed difficult to avoid playing along with the porn addiction games. His addicted logic will be expecting you to shift between these three roles too, in endless rounds of tit-for-tat and despair. The alternative to these games feels like giving in; blinding yourself to the problem so that he can pursue his fantasies and routines at leisure.

To break out of these games, I advise a stance of almost-clinical detachment from the problem, with a clearly set deadline for change. It's a delicate balance; my Porn Game Over recovery guide explores this topic further, and the links section on this site recommends other useful resources for partners. There's a place for offering support too, but this will only benefit once he breaks out of denial and honestly accepts the problem; otherwise, he'll just play victim.

I hope that this brief summary gives some perspective to a horrible situation, and I wish you every success.