Dealing with the guilt, the hollow feeling, and empty "never again" promises - C's story
My story is not too different from the others around on this blog. Like many, I've grown up an introvert,with a reserved nature, in the process being selective about making friends. I must admit, I've been poorest at making friends with the opposite sex and thus haven't really been unable to understand what it is like to be in a relationship with women.
As a kid I enjoyed the thrill of watching porn when it came my way, as the years passed by the fascination grew further. All friends watched and so did I, however I probably went further resulting in a compulsive behaviour problem, which coupled with my lack of friends and socialising caused me to get hooked on to this. Till many years ago I never really understood the crux of this problem and so the last three years were probably the worst with this habit becoming the end rather than the means for me, and like others, I was living in denial. Though deep down I realised there was a problem, I never really took steps to correct it.
Having been through this blog in the last 8 odd months, I've slowly gained some control over the problem, really getting to the bottom of it and learning with each relapse as to what causes it, what triggers it. Based on the good advice received from people on this site and on their experiences, I went ahead and put in place a plan comprising will power plus some practical steps and to some extent it has helped.
People like us suffer from this because we find those images so appealing, add to that today the Internet has a monstrous amount of porn to offer, an ocean of it. Rather say porn is available to no end and with such easy access all at the click of a button, we who are habituated find it a great form of escapism. With the behaviour ingrained into us, our minds, we're unable to break it and the only leftover is the guilt, the empty hollow feeling, with empty "Never Again" promises, only ready for a relapse.
I've been sober for a while now, not without the hiccups though, but realise that I'm constantly hounded by this and with my day-in day-out use of the internet, as is the case with all of us, I'm not too far away from looking at yet another video of yet another model.
I'm hoping to go see someone soon about this, as I seem to be relapsing at times, and before it gets too far, I need to arrest it. In writing this, I've touched upon points that are common to all here, but it's great to put down your own individual experiences here, thanks for this blog, as it is always helpful for us all struggling with this.
Thank you for sharing your story C, and it's good to hear that you find this site helpful.
Reading about your plan, combining willpower and practical steps, is really encouraging. I find that this approach works best; taking proactive (seeking healthier ways to meet your needs) and reactive (managing urges) action. And it can be an evolving plan that you tweak and update as you gain further insight into your own habit.
To some extent, hiccups are inevitable. As you say, we're never too far from the availability of porn so it's a matter of learning to live with the fact. We're not battling to make the trigger feelings go away, we're noticing and letting them pass without hijacking us into old behaviours. When there's a slip, we accept that it's part of the learning process and keep moving forward.
Going to see a therapist will compliment all the work that you have done. Talking things through helps weed out deeper-rooted beliefs that might be holding you back, and shines a light on self-limiting feelings. I wish you every success in nailing the habit for good!
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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For me, C's story is a
For me, C's story is a powerful testament as too why this website is so very very valuable, because its one thing to realize you (we, or me ) have a problematic relationship with pornography and its use. But by its very nature using porn is mostly a private but rather lonely experience, which also adds to the sense of disconnection. Its very common then to end up feeling stuck with the horrible after effects of viewing & using porn but with no where to take such feelings. This website allows us to share some of those feelings & experiences and this site and Jason has helped me realize my experience was by no means unique. That there are thousands of people all struggling with there relationship with porn.
**No.1 I'm not sure its possible to use porn and for that NOT to be troubling. Using porn in the first place is a symptom of something else deeper down.
**No.2 Its sharing our feelings no matter what they might be on a site like this that brings us closer to others. Other peoples stories often touch me in my heart when I read them & I realize how painful dealing with porn can be.
**No.3 Reading other peoples stories and learning from them has helped me and helped me to see I'm not such a bad person after all. And that my use of porn was & remains to some degree one of my weaknesses, one of my vulnerabilities. I now know porn is always a strong pull for me and for this reason I need to avoid porn as far as I can. I've now implemented online content filtering which helps provide a type of safety net which keeps me off porn sites I might otherwise end up on.
No.4 What matters is social contact with friends & family and activities that take your focus away from porn & thinking about sex all the time. Frankly, there is far far more to life & pleasure than porn I know this sounds like a cliche but I happen to think its true.
No.5 Those who have in the past struggled with a porn compulsion, or porn dependency are some of the most useful people to help you over come or leave behind such behavior. In other words you can only heal in others that which you have healed in yourself. Otherwise with the best will in the world you wont know the territory.
One of my personal theories
One of my personal theories about using porn is that using porn is a symptom that we don't love ourselves enough. Meaning that one of the worst things about porn is the dreadfully damaging effect it has on own sense of self esteem (self confidence & self love i.e. a healthy positive narcissism ). Using porn hurts us, its like self flagellation, it leaves us feeling rotten miserable and feeling worthless,etc. Thus the opposite is also true, by avoiding porn we can rebuild our wounded self confidence.
Alex, I agree with your
Alex, I agree with your self-flagellation comment. My porn use has in part over the last few years been a punishment, an attempt to basically destroy my own sexuality. I just didn't care anymore. I felt I deserved a self-destructive sexuality. I figured, hey, I'm only hurting myself, no one else. I did actually hurt other people, and I most definitely went way to far in hurting myself. Since when is hurting myself acceptable? I felt I deserved the shame. Total. It's almost like the guy's version of bulimia. Partake in the substance, feel horrible shame, try and purge it, and then do it again.
Hello E, First of all I
Hello E,
First of all I can really really relate to your comments, I think in my case I used porn because I wanted to unconsciously cover up the pain of growing up in such a dysfunctional family situation. This left me feeling bad about myself, I had a very big lack of self esteem, self worth and on top of that I felt that in my teens & twenties that I was fat & ugly so what pretty young woman would even look at me let alone want to get to know me. I think those kinds of feelings remain like old ghosts even to this day with me.
**I think your comments about porn being the male equivalent of Bulimia is a very interesting one, one which I hadn't considered in that way before. But the parallels with Bulimia are that both conditions involve repeated behaviors and are a way to avoid deeper difficult feelings such as anxiety or fear or even possibly anger.
PORN WONT!! If you want to
PORN WONT!!
If you want to be comfortably numb do porn,
If you hate yourself do porn,
If you loath yourself do porn,
If you want more shame do porn,
If you are a masochist do porn.
Porn wont bring you a girl friend,
Porn wont bring you a lover,
Porn wont bring you happiness,
Porn wont bring you love,
Porn wont bring you intimacy,
Porn wont bring you confidence,
Porn wont take you pain away,
Porn will empty your wallet,
Porn will empty who you are?
PORN DON'T DO IT IF YOU LOVE YOURSELF?!!
QUESTION: is porn the
QUESTION:
is porn the source of our neurosis or does porn just make our existing neurosis worse?
How to screw people
How to screw people up?
ANS: Show them sex then tell them its a sin & then forbid them to have or do it. Result severely messed up & screwed up human beings. (this is the message from a number of religions).
However, the paradox of porn is not so dis-similar. Porn images cause us to have a normal sexual response (i.e. we get aroused by the sexual stimuli) yet the context for those responses is all wrong. This normal arousal in an appropriate context is with another actual human being and it has purpose within that relationship but with porn that arousal has no where to go because it doesn't involve another actual human being. Thus the end result is arousal and possibly orgasm but not with a satisfying conclusion. Its an arousal that leads to an empty experience.
Porno is another destructive
Porno is another destructive expression of man's ignorance on planet earth. If Pornography was an aceepted 'norm' the world would be much worse off than it is now.
Why make porn?
Ans:Money
Why watch porn?
Ans:Addcton
what makes more money?
Ans:Porno
Prostitution was the first business made on this planet I dont think we're going to see the end of it.
...We have to step away from porn like stepping away from a venomous Cobra ready to bite you.
I've struggled for four years with porn, its brought me a cheap thrill and tons of trouble. I wish I didnt take that first quick curious look. Im seeking help and this website is the path to take for sure!
Thankyou
In the streets of life do not
In the streets of life do not go into unknown territory. For once you have gone to that certain street you will find a light leading into a tunnel. In that tunnel lies a trail of goodies that leads you deeper into the tunnel. Fading from the light and into darkness, where the goodies are everywhere and they end up leaving deep wounds after consuming the goodies that only make their mark after you hunger and ate each one. To recover from this one would hope to get full from this bottomless pit of hunger. But the truth lies in deeper inside oneself.
Hopefully this made some sense into that dark road of masturbation and porn addictions. I am addicted also and know there is a way out of it. It is easy to say you wont do it, but the temptations and urges are everywhere. Television, Innocent videos (Or so you thought), a movie, books, magazines, you get it. To recover I remember a time way before i became addicted. The answer to my problem is Video Games. Why video gaming? If you become an addict to a video game you will not be hurting yourself as much as you feel you hurt yourself from masturbation and porn. The thrill of fun and action and non-stop adventure overpowers the need to pleasure yourself. Some though, may not prefer to get addicted to a game and find their own way to help, that also is fine. It is a thought to me and if you are looking for a game, play a MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role-playing Game). Such a World Of Warcraft or even runescape. Become addicted, go down a different path, one that will not leave such a side effect that you will feel guilt. Also it is easier to quit a MMORPG then to quit masturbation. I have quit a gaming addiction before, and now, years later, I wish to go back. I have felt better playing some video game then watching pornography and masturbating. A lot may play games and masturbate, and if you are one of them, god help you. Just kidding. Only YOU know what helps you out of this dark tunnel and if you find it deep within yourself, you can get out and back into the streets of life and keep going forward into the land of wellbeing. Thank you for reading and I wish you the best on recovering from this terrible but pleasurable desire. :)
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