Can my porn addict husband change? - L's story
I have been married for 17 years and my husband has been a porn addict for over 20 years. I didn't know about the porn until a few years after we were married. I kept it a secret for the next 15 years. The porn addiction was coupled with much verbal and emotional abuse.
To make a long story short, I couldn't take anymore and left him 6 months ago. For a period of time, he continued on with his porn/masturbation habit. Now, over the past few months, he has been trying very hard to win me back: saying all kinds of nice words, trying to come over and help me out with things around the house, buying me gifts, going to counselling, reading self-help books. He says he desperately wants to get back together.
The trouble is, I don't love him anymore. Once I finally decided I'd had enough, I realized the love was gone. And, even if I did love him, I have no idea if he actually can and will change. Is all this just a "front" to get back into the house. Help...
Thank you L for sharing your story here.
In all fairness to men in your husband's situation, yes change is possible. Genuine recovery is a process of honestly accepting the problem, and then taking deliberate actions to break down the compulsive relationship with porn. Counselling and self-help books can certainly help this process too.
It is possible that your departure proved to be a 'rock bottom' crisis for your husband; a wake-up call after taking you and your relationship for granted for so long. We can only guess how genuine his recovery is. Hopefully his recovery will now enable him to make better choices in how he conducts relationships.
But there's no escaping the fact that you have moved on from this relationship. In my humble opinion, you are sensible not to risk returning to an abusive relationship with this man. With his new outlook, he should understand and accept that.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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a) I read your story and
a) I read your story and found it very moving and yet it is also a story that is so familiar too, it is a story I have read numberous times.
b) You are very brave to have left this man and I know you have probably paid quite a high enotional price for doing so. It must have caused you so much pain, its heart braking.
c) I totally agree with everything thing that Jason has said. I also think you are right to be distrusting of this man in terms of how much he has really changed & is really facing his porn obsession.
d) Its taken me many many years to reach a point of letting go of my need for porn. This was done through a long process of counseling & therapy which enabled me to finally gain a true insight into the root cause of why I was using porn. Porn was just like a pain killer in my case used to numb out deeper unresolved issues from my childhood. A porn obsession is never just about the porn, the porn is just a symptom of something else deeper which has not been resolved (requires sorting out).
e) If you have fallen out of love with this man then thats your truth and although thats very painful its a brave thing to face upto. When someone has a porn obsession it is often a very self center & selfish past time & also if someone has a porn obsession its because they don't love themselves or don't know how to love themselves (love themselves in the positive sense of self love). You could say that having a porn obsession is a rather narsistic process, meaning narsistic in the sense of dysfunctional and that by letting go of a porn compulsion means that person has to relearn how to love themselves again in the true sense of self love. Well this is my theory for what its worth. Porn can damage a persons ability to love themselves and thus love others too.
What a fantastic and helpful
What a fantastic and helpful blog this is. I have lived with a man addicted to internet pornography and I know quite a lot about the pain that us wives go through and the heartbreak.
I agree with the first advice and the comments from Alex below. Your husband may have finally sorted out his issues, but it sounds like too much damage has been done. You just don't need the pressure anymore of always wondering whether he is for real or whether things will start to go bad again. Wish him all the best with his new life, but I'd steer well clear.
I wrote the above story.
I wrote the above story. It's a very condensed version but the comments that have been shared have been so helpful. I am thankful for this blog and the stories and advice are what I have needed. This addiction is so horrible and shameful that I never told anybody about my husbands problems for so many years! It was clearly the death of my emotions. I cannot believe how I pasted on a happy smile for so long.
Now, he is just beside himself, afraid of losing me. He has told me he has completely changed, he is a different person. He is on a new medication, the counseling has transformed him, etc.,, etc., Honestly I do see some changes, but as I said before there is just no love there.
The problem now is that I feel guilty for the way I feel. My christian convictions tell me that divorce is wrong, and that I should be standing by him during this difficult time. The other part of me screams why didn't you listen to me all the times I asked to get help, it's just too late! I want out.
I have recently read some information about emotional, verbal and psychological abuse. Although he never physically hurt me, there was alot of the other types of abuse going on. He suffers from anxiety and depression too. His counselor told me he will always have these mental issues, but they are controlling it with all the medication, etc.,
Do I have any obligation to this man after so many years of this porn addiction and abuse? Now that it seems (seems being the important word here) he is making real changes, do I hang to this relationship wondering if I ever could love again?
re husband
i found my husband on porn sites and this lead to prostitues and also prostitues in thailand i left him for adultery and putting my life at risk he is not repenting and blames me other than himself I made the decision based on my life and potential aids and stds and thank god for protecting me and also he refusal to cept respondability for his illness! I am so sad but I will get through with gods will! also i have had aseriously ill son having had four transplants and my husband is my sons stepfather the last 6 mths have been so tramuatic but i knowi have madethe right decision for my children and me they want a mother free of disease and for me to see my grandchildre My husband is ill and until he accepts this its his problem and life I am gone to live mine without his pain sylvia
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