After paying for sex, it's time to stop looking at porn - H's story

As 2008 drew to a close, H kindly submitted this account of his frustrations and regrets, and his determination for 2009 to be different:

I have been addicted to pornography for 12 years (I’m 28), and have forever tried to end the addiction.

My most successful times have lasted under a month. It eats away most of my precious time. What makes it harder is the fact that I am a writer, and so spend much time on my laptop typing away. How I’ve wished to stop.

Last week, after three weeks of nursing the idea of acting upon my sexual fantasies, I finally sought a prostitute. Although I used a condom (2 in fact), I feel so bad that things have gotten this far, that I put myself at such risk of catching AIDS.

I’ve set myself to beat this addiction this year - my 2009 resolution. But how I shake my head even now at the enormous task ahead. I have sought help online, in print media, but to no avail.

I also am a smoker, which I am also not proud of. Yes, I feel a wretch, but if I succeed for the next 24 hours without watching porn, I shall already feel some joy. A long journey starts with one step. Perhaps one of you is looking to stop the addiction too, we could share thoughts here. Happy New Year friends.

All of us amuse ourselves with sexual daydreams and fantasies; it's healthy, natural stuff. But an obsession with pornography can hijack our fantasies; it messes with our real-world sexual expectations.

Some guys find that porn-fuelled fantasies lead them into doing things that they regret. After investing so much of our energies into working up our sexual appetite, it's as if our testosterone boils over and we have to do something about it.

Porn ideals begin to override our common-sense inhibitions; it feels exciting and 'out there'. It's almost as if porn gives us dutch courage to engage in the unthinkable. Unfortunately, the realities of porn fantasies just don't measure up. We can find ourselves disappointed and feeling duped. At worst, we risk our relationships, careers, self-worth and health.

I've talked to people who arranged to meet internet strangers in car parks at 2am. Some guys have engaged in public voyeurism, or have been tempted to expose themselves. And some guys have turned to prostitutes in search of a porn-like sexual fix. Porn can inspire us to make these choices, and I'm certainly not going to moralise or condemn. As H suggests, bad feelings of shame and regret are best converted into motivation for change.

The long journey of recovery really does start with one step. When we can reflect on the negative influence of porn without beating ourselves up for it, that's a very valuable first step. All these past experiences and choices offer an opportunity to learn and move on.

Thank you H, and I wish you every success in 2009.