A woman's experience of porn addiction - L's story
L is concerned about her connection with pornography, and the impact on her relationship with her boyfriend. She kindly shares her story here:
I'm 19, and unlike the 'normal' addicts i'm a woman, and whats worse is that I'm already immune to the 'lighter' porn. Which scares me. I'm sure one day there'll be nothing left that can satisfy me if I don't stop now.
I feel the need to write my story because no one knows of my problem and its becoming a nightmare trying to keep it a secret. And more and more I want to get back to normal, but I don't remember normal anymore.
It started seriously when I was about 14, I stumbled across some pictures while doing homework. Because all I had typed into google was 'cream and sugar' I knew my parents wouldn't notice. And so it went on. I learnt all the ways round the parental controls (i went on my mothers profile), meticulously deleted my activities on the history and deleted the search engine entries every time.
To begin with I was just curious about other people's bodies. Its only in the past two or three years that i've found release through the hardcore stuff thats so readily available for free on a number of websites. Now its the only way.
I started seeing a guy about a year and a half ago. He has no idea i'm addicted to pornography; he doesn't use it even while I'm away at university as far as I can tell (and i've looked through his computer to check). He doesn't understand why i can't orgasm when we have sex. I'm no shrink but I guess its because i associate having an orgasm with watching porn, or i'm ashamed. I'm really not sure. Either way, he thinks its his fault but I can't tell him why its mine.
Today I've blocked my usual website. And I'm going to attempt to do the university work that I should have been doing when I was 'busy' these last few days. Hopefully I will beat it, but I've tried in the past and its lasted just a little while (usually when theres no internet or someone's there).
Looking at too much porn is generally considered 'a guy thing'. And in some ways, this can make it easier for guys to share their problem with others and seek support. For the many women who struggle with porn, telling anyone else is a very difficult prospect, and they feel very much on their own.
So thank you L for sharing your story here. Many readers will recognise the issues that you mention; the meticulous covering of tracks and increasing boredom with softer porn.
With regard to your sexual relationship with your boyfriend, it's difficult to say how much your porn habit might be responsible for you not reaching orgasm. There are so many potential factors in the mix, but they are likely to include your expectations, self-esteem, physical inhibition and level of connection with him. Porn-induced feelings of shame and insecurity can certainly wreak havoc with these emotions.
It is possible for the habit to hijack our sexual responses. Women have reported becoming so dependent on the visual stimulation of porn, that they have experienced orgasm in front of the computer screen with no physical stimulation at all. They experience little satisfaction from offline sex with their partners, and the overriding allure of porn becomes a matter of great concern to them.
As you describe, it's often our partner's self-esteem that suffers too. The porn issue works against our intimacy and openness. They resort to blaming themselves, and our accumulating shame and guilt makes it even more impossible to explain how things really are.
I would like to emphasise just how much of a positive step you have taken by recognising and sharing your fears here. Explaining our situation to someone who we trust and won't get judgemental on us is very beneficial. Consider other opportunities for talking with a counsellor or trusted relative; it may help you explore the potential reasons why porn holds ongoing appeal despite your resentment of it.
I can't draw any conclusions for you, of course, but the limitless source of free porn very often provides us with a limitless source of procrastination. It's just too easy and tempting to avoid stresses of studies and work in this way, and almost becomes our instinctive reaction. On the positive side, it's worth noting that once we recognise our reactions and formulate a motivated, step-by-step plan to address it, freedom is undoubtedly achievable. You have made some important initial steps and realisations already.
Thank you again, and I wish you every success.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
User login
Search
RSS Subscribe
reading this was a real
reading this was a real eye-opener for me - i didn't realise that girls got into the same problems with porn. dunno why really.
i guess it's probably easier for a guy to be hooked on porn and still keep some form of sex enjoyment. i've given myself a few problems by looking at porn too often and too much, mainly the problem is premature ejaculation. it's like i'm always on the verge with porn images in my mind. my girlfriend has just gotten used to it.
for you, it's the opposite situation but i bet just as depressing. hope all this helps you to find a way back to being 'normal'. i'm working on the same target.
T
Thanks for the article!
Thanks for the article! Important topic to address!
This is so hard for me, but I
This is so hard for me, but I have to find a way out, a way to quit, and telling my story, is my first step.
I'm only 16, and i'm addicted to porn, even just watching two people make out. That is usually what makes me keep going farther and farther. I really don't know how it started. I know it started before I was 5. I remember taking a pencil and putting it down there (not in). And it would make me feel good. I was at least 4, I didn't know better, i didn't even know what i was doing. Only as years passed and my knowledge increased as well as what i was doing, did i realize what was going on. By that time it was to late. I believe my porn addiction started in 6th grade. A friend told me to type in words like boobs and penis in google. And I did, I can honestly say that i turned away when it popped up. But that is what i beleive started it. I got caught, and suspended from school for 3 days. But I'm now a Junior in high school, and it has gotten bad a few years ago, but i was able to stop for awhile, (having my first boyfriend might be the reason). I have never done it because I felt lonely. It just started and then I wasn't able to stop. I'm so scared. Because who can i talk to? There is no way I could ever talk to my parents. I know I need help, because i know i am not strong enough on my own. I have been batteling this for over 11 years... and remember i'm only 16. I have never had intercourse with a guy, and I WILL NOT until I'm married. But it's gotten to the point I've found my mother's vibrator and used it, and then she must have moved it because i could no longer find it, but i went back to using one of those mini lava lamps. I know it's wrong, I want to stop, but i'm not strong enough on my own, and i don't know what to do anymore.
I totally understand the
I totally understand the desensifying effects of hardcore porn. Its so bad now (started watching it when i was 13, now im 18) its like hardwired in my brain. I wish i could just get into sex right away but it takes me a while to get in the mood and even then its like .. meh. Everyone else go at it like normal but for me and maybe you too you really have to work yourself up which it shouldn't be that way.
Im considering seeing a hypnotist to dig-out this habit, and help me change my brainwiring to this type of porn. Some people here probably look down on me, but theres people who dont believe in God nor thinks he helps. Back on topic, I really know how you feel and hope things get better for both of us.
This is so hard to do. But
This is so hard to do. But as L has said it is something that must be done. This article has inspired me and it it comforting to know that I am not alone.
When I was really young I remember climbing up this fireman like bar at school and getting this feeling. I didn't know what it was or why I just knew it felt it good. At home on my bed i had similar wooden beams for the canopy and I used to climb up those to get those feelings. That was when I was like 5 but then I stopped when we finally took the canopy down.
But now looking back I know what that was all about and I too have been addicted to porn probably since I was 10. At first it was just by chance, my friend and I stumbled upon a chat room and then all the pops up began. Men began sending us pictures of themselves and the curiosity sparked. I remember then going in those chat rooms other times and just having cyber sex. Then I would get on the computer late at night when my mom was asleep and search the internet. At first it was only pictures of men just out of curiosity. I wondered exactly what things were and the difference between men and women. Then the pictures became more sexual and the addiction got worse. I made sure to always cover my tracks and delete my history and only search very late at night and to be extremely quite. Eventually I stopped when the one forgot the name of the site I always used.
About 3 years later it all picked up again. Except this time it was videos. I would watch videos and then I started to read stories. I know it is wrong and it has been tearing me apart from God. I feel like such a hypocrite. While I have never masturbated or orgasmed because of porn I just like the feeling I get. I know it is wrong and I know I can stop. I know I need help I just don't know who to tell. I can't tell my mom and I can't tell my friends. I have some older friends who are like mentors but I can't tell them because I am so afraid they will think of me differently even though deep in my heart I don't think they will. I know this needs to stop and I need to tell someone I just don't know who...
I'm having a problem now (I'm
I'm having a problem now (I'm 13). It started towards the beginning of the school year. I would sneak out of my bed at night and look at it. about 2 months ago i told my mom about it, and i thought if she knew, then she could help. I was so embarassed. i didn't want anyone to know. i tried fasting, praying, almost everything. But nothing has really worked. I would like to talk to someone about it, but anyone that i could is just too close to me. Today, my uncle called from up in Michigan and said to my mom "i found all of these links to gay porn on my computer, your kids seriously need a psychiatrist's or something. Your kids can NO longer touch my computer again." when my mom heard this, she immediately thought of me. now i feel almost as if i regret telling her. but what i know is that my uncle has been addicted to porn for a LONG time. And i know that it is him. I never ever dare do anything up at my Grandma's house (he lives with her). My mom immediately phoned my dad. And now he's not looking at me the way he used to. I feel i have lost the innocents in his eyes, he's had trouble with porn too. I don't know what is wrong with me. I just can't stop. I'm also seeing a psychiatrist not for my addiction but for my OCD. I don't know what to do. I'm only 13! I really wish that i could be knocked out or something. lose my short termed memeory and then everything will be okay. I really do need somone to talk to.. i just don't know who..
Hello K, I would like to
Hello K,
I would like to share some thought with you K after reading your story on the website.
No.1 at 13 years old you are going through puberty, puberty is your sexual awakening its 100% normal but adults don't often talk to children about what puberty is or how it feels or how it affects you. Puberty is a rite of passage into becoming an adult, & as a part of that process you will become sexually aware and become sexually curious about your own body & the bodies of others (male or female).
No.2 I started using porn & becoming aware of sexual things when I was 14years old myself. Porn is a VERY common source of information about sexuality & sexual things BUT the down side is that it shouldn't be used as the be all and end all of information about sexual relationships because porn doesn't present a true picture of how real people behave sexually with each other.
No.3 Some limited porn use is OK but just try not to let using porn become a BIG part of your life, try not to let it be a substitute for a real loving partner i.e. girlfriend or boyfriend,etc.
No.4 The problem with Porn these days is that Porn has exploded and sexually arousing images are literally every where. In my day when I was 14years old Porn was just girlie magazine which I had to go and buy from a newsagents. But now porn is so easily accessible via the internet and almost everyone now has web access.
No.5 The hypocrisy in your story is NOT your feelings about your use of porn but the behavior & attitude of the adults around you. Your story shows you are also very confused about adults views & opinions about porn, yes! I agree it's very very confusing for someone of your age.
No.6 Talk to Jason he is brilliant and the best person to help you here, I know he will understand your feelings & fears better than anyone I have come across.
DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP for using porn,
Kindest Regards from Alan.
I'm 20 years old and I've
I'm 20 years old and I've been addicted to porn for several years now. It all started when I was around 14. I was staying with family up north and my cousin had rented one of those adult showcase things...he thought I was asleep on the couch. This peaked my curiosity and I started to look for it at night when they were asleep. I had heard of masturbation and wanted to give it a try. It was nothing too hard at first...I would just watch movies with sex scenes in them and then replay the scenes over and over by myself. Once I got to college things changed. I had a brand new laptop and wireless internet connection right in my dorm. Little did I know that I was opening the floodgates to what would become a serious addiction. I knew it was wrong and I VERY CAREFULLY covered my tracks...deleting my history and search engines claiming it was to protect from spyware. This year I have my own room which only makes things worse. I stopped for a couple of months but one night I lost the battle with myself and logged on. It's like a recovered addict taking just ONE hit...I was back to square one. I've told my best friend but she didn't seem to care that much and she hasn't done anything to help me stop, even though she lives with me and I have asked for her help numerous times. I just don't know what to do...you don't typically think of girls having this problem which makes it sooo much harder to stop. I'm becoming desensitized...I can already tell. It takes a lot harder porn to get me aroused now. some stuff I will even exit out of because I classify it as "boring" and that scares me. I want to be a good partner for my husband some day...and that's not going to happen if I make him feel like he's not satisfying me.
i'm so relieved that others
i'm so relieved that others feel the same way I do!!! -_____-
this is a serious problem and we all need to address it.
its nothing to be ashamed of. MILLIONS of people are porn addicts. majority of them are guys. ton of them are teenagers (below 18). its much too easy to access porn sites. its everywhere. for a majority of those teens, watching hardcore porn messes with their heads. they can't look at girls the same. their relationships are ruined. they can't talk to girls and acn't look at girls without thinking perverted thoughts. this causes them to be nervous when they get near girls. therefore they lose self-esteem and eventualy their way of life. they become obsessed with quitting but they "put it off" every single day..and the problem becomes worse and worse.
we have to understand that porn addiction is almost completely chemical. the 4 pleasure receptors associated with masturbation are those released during sex that make your body feel so good. its also very similar to how a drug addiction works. very hard to break.
i took a 2 week break before...yep 2 weeks, and it came back. couldn't repress it. but promiose to yourself that the next time you do it it WILL kill you. 1 week to 1 month to 1 year. trust me.
It feels soo good to know
It feels soo good to know that I'm not the only girl struggling with this addiction. Thank you for sharing. It actually gives me hope...
I am so glad this subject is
I am so glad this subject is being talked about. It's about time.
I had the opposite problem. My ex husband was a porn addict and as a result our marriage ended as I was locked out of rooms just so he could masturbate and watch hours of porn. Afterwards he went on to commit a sexual offense for which he served time against a minor aswell as being accused of incest.
I have written a book detailing my encounter as the partner of an abusive husband and cyber porn addict called Soul Crushers (soulcrushers.webs.com) if anyone is interested in leaving a comment or buying a book.
Cyber porn, in my experience is an addiction that goes hand in hand with secrecy. I had to keep his addiction a secret from society for years. Speaking up is the first step to breaking this addiction. And it needs to be broken.
Ups to you guys for talking about it and admitting it. It takes a lot of balls. I know. I wrote a book about it - even if I did alter my real name.
Good luck on your journey.
Jamie
Hi Jamie, Thank you for
Hi Jamie,
Thank you for sharing your experience, and I am looking up your book right now.
I see that the working web address is: http://soulcrushersbook.webs.com
Jason
I have never said anything
I have never said anything about this either and I usually say this is my biggest secret I could have. For me I discovered what felt good at an early age. I am only 19 now. But I believe I have been consecutively watching porn for 5 years. I really do feel like it causes problems with my boyfriend or ex-boyfriends. I have never been able to achieve orgasm without it. With it there is no problem. It is like a drug. And drugs are hard to quit I don't even know how to get help, now do I want anyone to know. Confidential blog seemed the first way to go...
And it really does helping
And it really does helping knowing there is more than one girl. And young girls, that have this problem as well. That helps a lot :)
Like every girls suffer from
Like every girls suffer from this monstrous disease I do suffer.
I dono how it started. It started way long back when i was kid. I was masturbating on very young age I dont know when it started and how. I just liked that feeling of it, when my hand strokes down there, I continued to do it many times, I dont remember what will temp me that time to start. My mother found me doing it and scolded me not to do it, I started doing it out of her sight.
Only when ages passed and I actually know why I am doing it, I started imagining a guy and girl making love and will masturbate. I loved that feeling but I hav never really inserted anything into it, I like stroking it and getting the climax of it. When i was in college I started searching for sites and it temps me to do it, I never discussed this with anyone, I felt ashamed to talk about this to anyone except me. I wanted to tell to someone who I dont really know.
Now I am 23 and still I do it and I never found a way to stop it, I am so addicted to it. Even now before telling my story i did that, everytime i wish to stop it but I am unable to do it I am so incapable of controlling myself. For more than 18 years I am doing this,I would hav done it more than 1000 times. And from 5 years I wanted to stop this and I coundnt. I feel so ashamed of this only reason, I just hate myself because of this self-satisfying deed. To the outside world i am good to my parents, i hav wonderful friends, i hav good respect from my teachers, i completed my management studies and I am working in a reputed organization with good name. I feel like I am cheating everyone and even God.
I was shocked to read the article by L saying that she dint orgasm when she and her boyfriend had sex. I am afraid I too will suffer the same when I get married. Because i always orgasm with my imagination. I had a boyfriend when i was in UG, we just had an oral sex but not actual sex, when he was kissing me and carressing me i felt nothing i felt empty i dint hav any feeling. But it ended up due to other misunderstandings.
We are a little orthodox and I cannot discuss this with anyone and I dont have guts to visit the docter. I am afraid this s my loving partner than a real one. I really wanted to love my husband when I get married and have children I do not want this to ruin my life.
Pl help me out to come out of this disease.
You can quit.
Yes i have the same problem and i think am soon winning, yes it woks, first thing is talking about it with some one who won't judge you but understand your situation so he or she helps you recover and hence quit all of it.
First try to get busy most of the time and dont let your brains push you to surfing what you dont want. Its you to restrain yourself no one else. The basic thing is trying to get someone supportive, can be a person online or even physically.
I am from Ug though currently studying abroad for my second Degree, i started masturbation in my first year of my first degree, my grades detoriated because all i could do is masturbate after my lectures, i was gripped by it's power, i could not even read because i could get so exhausted due over doing it.
A while ago, i found this page and am recovering, its been a month now and now i think am on a positive road to quiting. Girl don't give up.
Oh yes can as well be helpful if you wish!
well,its been happening since
well,its been happening since i was 16, and im 20 now,i have tried to get away from this,it always come back,the first time i did i got caught looking at gay porn,but instead of adults helping me,they just screamed at me,condemning me,and it hurts,i could do it all day if i can....but i don't..6 -7 times a day at first now its 1 or 2 or even three,i wanna stop but nothing works,and since im kinda religious,all think about is god hating,and sending me to hell b4 i even get a chance to finally stop...and im not really ugly either but people think so and that brings me down further...plz help me stop
i always feel so ashamed
i always feel so ashamed after realizing how much bad stuff ive seen. it gives me hope that there are other girls out there with my problem and trying to beat it. ive been addicted to porn since the thrid grade and am now a freahman in highschool. i remember sitting in front of my computer and crying because i just couldnt believe how awful i was. facing my parents with them not knowing made me feel even worse. im really trying and at times i struggle. please pray for me.
I understand
I'm 19 too, but i'm Male. I have the same issues as you.
You can get through this. Let me tell you something. I remember just a while back I managed to quit for 20 days straight. In those 20 days something happened to me. Something I believed would never happen. Part of my life changed.
1) I started naturally exersising. Originally I did it so I could 'kill' the testorone in my body and go to bed feeling not as horny, but as the days progressed it became a natural part of my day. I felt fitter and as a result I started to notice muscles in my legs (never noticed them before but they must have been there a while).
2) I naturally went into a normal sleeping routine. I still don't know how I did this, but I woke up at 7am and went to bed around 10:20pmish and I felt amazing because of it. I think all the exersise made me more tired more quickly.
3) I started doing more of my University work. This wasn't natural though. The only reason I increased my productivity was to keep my mind off porn. Even still, I got better grades (from your post it may seem like thats what you want)
4) I felt better about myself and cleaner..
+ I know its not logically possible, but at one point I remember thinking my penis was bigger (maybe it was because of the increased physce, but y'never know. :D )
The reason I am saying all this to you is to help you with motivation. I swear on my life that all I have said is true, and I believe you can do the same (apart from thinking your penis is bigger obv..).
If you want to quit, then do it. PM me if you ever need any advice or just someone understanding that can relate...
With Regards,
John
Post new comment