Is Porn Really That Bad?

It's About Change

Submitted by Nate Baseley on Fri, 26/08/2011 - 06:30

Hi Jake,

Welcome to the site! The opinion you expressed is pretty close to my own and that of many of the visitors to this site - it is what differentiates the community here from the myriad sites which preach an anti-porn or anti-sex message.

The point is that the tag 'porn addiction' is just shorthand that means something to everyone and gets us quickly to the point where (we think) 'I know what you're talking about'. But as you say, there's a stack of controversy and debate in the scientific community about whether or not it even exists.

You know what? That's irrelevant. In the end it's about people wanting to change something about their lives, understanding the mechanisms that build habits and setting about change in a constructive way.

One of my mantras is 'change doesn't need a reason'. You don't need to prove yourself a 'porn addict' in order to justify changing your behaviour. Plus there's no one goal that suits everyone. As you'll see from the contributors here, some want to stamp out porn and masturbation altogether; others just porn; some want to cut out extreme porn; some want to reduce the frequency. And on the subject of frequency you asked 'how much is too much?'. Of course there's no answer. Some people will be happy (and I mean that word) looking at porn for a couple of hours every night; others might judge that person to be an addict but for them there's no reason to change. Others might look once a week for 3 hours and for them that's too much and they feel they need to change. Others still haven't looked at porn for months but still feel it controls them.

'Mildly reliant on pornography' is how you expressed your own use. Doesn't sound to me like you need or want to change your porn behaviour (I am mildly reliant on caffeine) and I don't think many of the folk on this site would try to convince you otherwise. Unless you're coming here to say 'I'm mildly reliant but that's too much for me and I need advice on how to stop/slow down'.

There is one other element which is partners. Sometimes an individual's porn viewing behaviour has a significant and negative impact on their relationship. Even if this individual is happy, their partner might be feeling very hurt, angry and betrayed. The behaviour can't be changed by the partner, but they certainly have a right to discuss these feelings and in that light the individual might come to the conclusion that they need to change.

Thanks for your post - it's great to hear your views.

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Well...

Submitted by Jason on Fri, 26/08/2011 - 08:45

Hi jakeinthecity,

Yep good question! I think Nathan's answer is spot on.

Watching porn becomes problematic when it gets in the way of living; when it feels like you can't stop or cut down even when you want to. When it regularly eats up time that you wanted (or needed) to spend doing something else. When it becomes your preferred sexual outlet while your partner lies in bed alone. When you find yourself seeking out icky stuff that puts you off your lunch. This kind of thing.

But this certainly isn't the case for everyone. I think the majority of people who view porn are just fine with it. And for people who do run into problems, there are underlying reasons. The 'bad' porn didn't just enter their brains and wreak havoc.

So a lot of the therapy work I promote is about overcoming guilt and shame and feeling 'bad' and finding practical ways to make the life adjustments that Nathan refers to. Often this involves dealing with unmet needs or unhelpful feelings that we have been using porn to numb or avoid. It might mean getting sex back into perspective and rediscovering our partners. The goal and the path to that goal is entirely up to the individual.

Funnily enough, I had this conversation with Joe Kort a couple of months ago and we both agreed that porn isn't inherently bad, just like coffee and the lottery and World of Warcraft. The dopamine release/neural pathway theories are interesting and have some relevance, but I think many porn addiction sites and books focus almost entirely on 'brain science' and miss the many other factors that (in my opinion) are more relevant. And these theories often try to draw parallels with drugs or alcohol addiction that just aren't there, and take us down the disease model route which doesn't help at all.

So you get to choose whether your relationship with porn needs adjusting or not, rather than any preaching conservative or dopamine 'expert', and just what that adjustment may be. And things may be just fine, of course.

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As has been said, porn by

Submitted by Nomad on Fri, 26/08/2011 - 11:01

As has been said, porn by itself isnt "bad".

It becomes bad when it interferes with your life (life a World of Warcraft addiction) or impacts harmfully on someone else. Porn (unlike a World of Warcraft addiction) is somethign that people tend to hide from their partners and they tend to end up lying to them about it. This destroys trust and it also makes the person think "why am I not good enough?" and sex almost always suffers.

Also there are different types of porn. For some people porn is looking at a lingerie catalogue or people in swimsuits or models on a catwalk. For others its topless people or full nudes as in Playboy. On the other end of the scale you have people for whom porn involves children, abusing and humiliating themselves or others and even being turned on by deaths. I (personally) would argue that the former are quite natural (I find the female form attractive so I am going to enjoy seeing women with no clothes on), but I would argue that the latter is not. That type of porn harms someone.

Finally I would point out that the "innocent" porn use that an eventual addict starts with tends to work less and less for them and it will in time lead deeper in to darker territory. How far it leads varies and the affect it has on the person themself is up for debate, but just as some cannabis users cope with a couple of spliffs a year and some World of Warcraft players are online only a couple or hous a month, for many others, these things lead into a life that is dominated and controlled by their addiction.

I'm glad that you have your porn use under what you feel is control and that you dont feel bad about it. Hopefully it will remain that way. I know my porn use was like that for many years. It was only in later years that I discovered whole weekends being caught up in front of the computer... and no I wasnt playing WoW (been there and done that).

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WoW

Submitted by Nic on Fri, 26/08/2011 - 11:46

I know people who've hidden world of Warcraft from their friends and family. It can be just as humiliating to admit you can't stop playing a game.

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More to the Story

Submitted by jakeinthecity on Fri, 26/08/2011 - 13:52

Thank you for your posts. In reading your replies, it made me realize that I need to elaborate more on my story, as I am looking for some guidance, support from you all here to help me make sense of my porn use.

And my story continues...

I am in fact in a committed relationship with a partner of 2 1/2 years (minus a 3 month break) in which we have lived together for the past two years of that. While I've always viewed pornography from its discovery as a young boy (say 11), I never really saw it as a problem, nor thought I would ever let it interfere while I was in a relationship.

I do, however, have some strong sexual emotions/feelings/desires that have in the past got me into trouble. I am not one to sleep around, so part of my fix, I believe, comes from looking at the attractive guys in porn and fantasizing. This never really became an issue until my current partner, who grew up in an extremely religious home with a father who cheated (virtually) on his mother, and he learned of my porn usage and subsequent cheating. Thereby, my partner's belief is that porn use will continue to increase in its intensity and content the more you view it. I never held that belief, until, last summer while I was under the influence of mass amounts of alcohol, I cheated on my partner with a good friend of ours and I don't even remember it beginning. As you can imagine, my partner became very leery of my sexual behavior, and I became very depressed at the fact I had done something I so adamantly disagreed with and was morally wrong (in my eyes).

A few months after the cheating incident, I decided, with the help of my therapist, that I needed to end my relationship with my (current) partner. Within one week he had packed up all of his things and moved out; I was left in our condo feeling lost and alone. On day two of our break, I had began posting Craigslists adds (not to hook up but just to chat pass the time) and my partner (interestingly enough) found my add. He faked to be an anonymous guy and chatted with me. Shortly after he called me and at that point, I realized I use sex/porn/etc as means to reduce my anxiety, worry, boredom, etc.

To date we have since reconnected and are living happily together. We began seeing a sex/relationship therapist that has greatly help us open the lines of communication and improve our relationship. But, in recent weeks, my porn use has begun to concern me yet again. I'm viewing it increasingly more (say 4-5 days a week, on average of 1-2 hours at a time), and I'm not sure what is causing it.

From what I believe about my own porn addiction, I do it to numb feelings, anxiety, stress, etc., and there has been a great deal of that lately. The problem I have is knowing where exactly the stress is coming from: my relationship again? Family issues? Self-confidence issues? or daily life-stress?

My biggest concern is that my relationship is what is "causing" my increased porn use. But in order for me to really know, I feel like I have to stop viewing porn (since I know it numbs my feelings, or at least I think it does) and communicate what I'm feeling.

For those of you who have been in similar situations, can you comment on helping me to navigate this situation?

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Been there and done that

Submitted by Nomad on Fri, 26/08/2011 - 14:49

Been there and done that sadly.

I used to use porn intermittently. It would increase when I was stressed when I used it as a release and to hide from whatever the problem was. This was pretty dumb as I used to spend hours watching porn that I could and should have used to sort out (or try to sort out) whatever was causing the problem.

I also found I used porn more after I had been in a relationship for some time. I told myself that this was because it stopped any thoughts of cheating because I could look at other people and fantasise about having sex with them and then I wouldnt cheat in reality. This was actually nonsense, but I only found that out once I quit. I found that while looking at porn I was also looking at women (in my case) and imagining having sex with them and I was undressing them mentally like I did with people on the web. My thoughts were increasingly concerned with sex and having sex with others. Although it was "just" a fantasy, I think that a few drinks in the wrong place with the right person and my oversexed brain would have resulted in me cheating like you did, despite me having been cheated on in the past and loathing it.

Since stopping porn use, I found that I am not fantasising about others and I'm not undressing them mentally and I am treating my partner with more love and affection. I'm also more content as a consequence. I recently slipped up (due to lots of stress) and all that feeling of wanting sex with another and undressing people came back straight away.

So in my case, I found that porn use was somethign I do when I am stressed to avoid facing the problem and because I had convinced myself that this was keeping me "loyal". Concidering that the porn use was also making me stay up late to get my fix and was resulting in me not having as much sex with my partner and was making me lie to her, I was a long way from loyal. Delusional I think they call it.

So although I never looked at anything hard core, nor paid for anything, nor knowingly (afaik) looked at anyone who was being trafficked / coerced, for me at least, I am better off without. I feel better off it and clean.

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