My husband is a decent, respectable family man with a porn addiction – BR’s story

I have been married for 38yrs. I am 57 and my husband is 62. He’s a decent, respectable family man. We have 3 grown children and 7 grandchildren. He has always had porn since before we were married. Books of fiction mainly. Then the internet made it so easy.

He would have a long list of sites that he left accidentally and one time a married daughter found it. He insisted after that that he had stopped.  If I walked by and saw it on the computer, he’d tell me that I didn’t see what I said I saw. I was nuts and seeing things. I’d walk by and his zipper would be down and he always had an answer, like he’s just been to the bathroom. That was over 10 yrs ago. Our sex life over the last 5 or more yrs has dwindled to almost nothing.

I’ve recently become more computer literate and I’d check his office computer.  The files made me ill. Incest files like Fucking Mommy, Auntie, or Fucking Sister. There were ones where a father had sex with his daughters teenage friends. Even one story had a 5yr old girl being abused by a truck driver. I told him he had child pornography on his computer and the FBI could come knocking on our door.  He insisted he had never read the story.

I have craved and begged for intimacy. I asked him to find someone for me to have sex with if he didn’t want me. (How stupid and humiliating was that)? I threatened to have an affair just for sex. He has had problems with erectile dysfunction but wouldn’t take meds. He said he had low testosterone but tests proved otherwise. Then last summer he said he had no sex drive at all and it had to be depression. If I even tried to talk about wanting sex he became angry at me.

In the past I’ve tried asking him to include me in some porn that interested him and thought it might spice up our love life. He’d seem interested but it never happened.  Lately I’ve shown an interest in sex toys that we could use together thinking that this was more what he wanted. 2 nights ago we made love using them and I thought it was good for him. I even told him that for me there was a vulnerability and trust issues using these products and to please not hurt me emotionally afterwards by arguing with me about something stupid.

Then last night I walk by the office and there is a porn text on the computer screen. I call him back and ask about it and does he have anything to say to me.  He walks away. Later he told me he was editing the story for easier reading. I said how much it hurt me and didn’t he feel he owed me anything.  He said he likes to read “erotic literature” (his words) and there is nothing wrong with it. He said he doesn’t see other women and he loves me. He said erotic literature doesn’t turn him on but he finds it titillating. And as far as what I saw on the computer screen, he feels he owes me nothing.

That sentence has reverberated through my head ever since last night. Today while he was out, I looked on his computer and was amazed at the files (incest etc.) that he appeared to be editing.  I just walked away and left it and when he came home he saw it there and came to me and said he was sorry and it would be gone. I told him that he had until Friday to make an appointment with a marriage counselor and we would address all of this or else I would leave him. He didn’t say anything. I think he knows I have nowhere to go and it’s probably an empty threat.

I am ready to walk back the hall and take a hammer to the computer screen. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Thank you BR for sharing your experiences with such openness.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with “reading erotic literature”. But your husband’s activities indicate an obsession that is degrading to you both. He’s clearly aware of this, and his justifications and denials don’t wash.

We can only guess why his abiding interest in pornographic stories has escalated to puerile relationship games and withdrawal from intimacy. Sexual performance issues and anxiety can be a contributing factor, and men turn to porn for distraction. And as you say, the internet has made porn so much more accessible and convenient.

When porn addiction sets in to a marriage, power plays are common. Wives find themselves dragged into the roles of porn cop, persecutor or victim in response to his obsessive games, apologies and promises. It’s part of his denial mechanism, and results in humiliating rounds of pleading and threat-making on both sides.

And then there’s his interest in stories and depictions of abuse. Men with a long-standing porn habit sometimes develop an increased tolerance and acceptance of such material. They can’t resist pushing the boundaries. This doesn’t imply that they are going to go out and realise these abusive fantasies. But there is a distressing impact on their personalities and sexual outlook, and no partner should be expected to tolerate this in the relationship.

Again, we can’t make assumptions about why such material appeals to your husband. This would need to be explored as part of a recovery plan, ideally assisted by counselling.

I often recommend setting a clear deadline for accountability and change, and you have taken this action. Explain to him that he is expected to have demonstrated real intention to recover by this time. He needs to display a lot more than promising to quit or deleting his files;  he might make a counselling appointment, or buy a recovery book and begin to actively research the issue. As part of this process, both of you should be able to work together on building rapport and understanding.

Even after years of antagonism over his porn obsession, it is possible for the issue to be resolved. It requires long-term acceptance and commitment on his part. He has to want this change for the sake of you both.

If his games and neglect should continue, sometimes the only option for partners is to leave the marriage. In the long-term, you are entitled to a relationship that’s free from all this anxiety and contempt.