Am I enabling his porn addiction by not leaving? – SO’s story

Hello. I’m writing about my boyfriend/Fiance of almost 4 years. He watches porn.

I know for a fact that during his past relationships he has received oral sex from transsexuals while on trips, and on a few other occasions. Once during our relationship he travelled to Europe to meet with transsexuals. He claimed that nothing happened, but I know for a fact he brought condoms with him in his luggage (I saw them).

He still watches transsexual porn, although he has promised me 15 times now that he will stop and that while he enjoys an “aspect” of transsexuals it’s not what he wants for his life. When we do have sex it’s great-decent, however it happens maybe once a week and we’ve gone as long as 6 weeks without having sex in the past for no real reasons. He of course makes excuses, he’s tired, feels sick, is stressed.

He is 35 years old and has a very successful and stressful professional life. I’ve threatened to leave him in the past multiple times if he doesn’t change, and he will change his lifestyle for a few days, but he always returns to watching tranny porn. I’ve even banned all porn for a while but he claimed I was “not letting him just be a guy” so then I just made him promise that there would be no tranny porn.

I also might add that this is the second relationship that has fallen apart due to his porn issues. He is an amazing man much of the time, however with him I feel ugly and unattractive. I feel like I can’t trust him not to look at transsexual porn and that he’s choosing it over us (I have a 6 year old son).

Part of me thinks he really wants not to watch it and he talks about transexual porn like it’s a drug that he has to wean himself off of. I don’t get it. Is he just selfish? Is he really gay/bi and just in denial? How many times should I listen to the endless promises of him claiming that the last time, was the last time. Will he ever desire just me?

I love so many things about him, he is my best friend, and in so many ways the perfect man. I hate the idea of leaving him, but I hate the idea of him not being honest with me or himself about who he is. I want to believe he can be different but how long before I just say enough? Am I enabling him by not leaving? I’ve told him that I think he needs professional help, but due to his profession he’s very reluctant to talk to anyone.

Thanks for all of your advice.

Thank you SO for sharing your feelings and raising these questions here.

Am I enabling him by not leaving? To some extent yes, but the answer is never so straightforward. By definition, an enabling partner inadvertently helps the other partner to avoid facing the consequences of their compulsive behaviour. When it comes to porn obsession, it can be difficult for wives and girlfriends to avoid taking some form of enabling role.

Many long-suffering partners put up with his porn habit, usually for the sake of the family or surface relationship. They might gloss over their private pain, deny it or even numb it with a compulsive behaviour of their own. This is an enabling role, often continuing for years on end.

But what about partners who try to take a stand? You may well have found yourself taking the porn cop role; monitoring and challenging his behaviour so that he can play accused or naughty schoolboy. In many ways, this is an enabling role too. He knows that his habit offends you, but he continues to enjoy the security of the relationship and the homelife status quo. His awareness of your hurt feelings and despair is clouded by the thrill of getting away with it. These are the bizarre games of the porn obsessive mindset, and partners are expected to play along.

Is he being selfish? Yes. A compulsive relationship with porn is an intensely selfish and solipsistic affair.

Is he really gay/bi and just in denial? Not necessarily. There has been discussion of fetishism and gay porn fixation before on this forum. A very common motivation for porn obsession is a craving for escapism, and the addition of gay or transsexual themes simply adds to the otherworldly appeal. But we can’t draw any specific conclusions about your boyfriend. It could be argued that his behaviour on business trips indicates issues beyond an obsession with porn escapism.

Will he ever desire just me? Picking up on the point above, I would recommend that he explores his motivations with a therapist or counsellor. Avoiding this because of his professional standing is an excuse, a device of denial.

In terms of a way forward for your relationship, you mentioned a potential agreement on ‘acceptable’ porn viewing. It’s rarely an ideal solution, but such a practical compromise can be beneficial. As a couple contemplating marriage, this may provide a basis for further therapy and discussion but is not an ongoing solution in itself.

So in the longer term, your relationship depends upon him becoming accountable for his behaviour and respecting your feelings. It may require a final ultimatum, but he needs to respond more positively than going cold turkey and showing sincerity for a period of time. The endless promises are another part of the porn addiction game; when it becomes apparent that no ultimatum can break a seemingly endless loop, partners are better off out of the relationship.