I am recently engaged to a wonderful man of whom I have been living with for 3 years. He is kind, generous, loving, and an excellent lover and partner. I could not ask for more in a future husband.
However, during our dating relationship I found things on his computer that he had hidden from me: conversations in chat rooms with girls, porn images, videos, and so on. The amount of it was excruciating to find and hit me like a huge blow. I confronted him and he said that he recognized he had a porn addiction problem and that it had been a problem since he was a teenager, when he was first introduced to pornography.
I did not react well… I felt as though I was not enough to please him and he was looking elsewhere for satisfaction. He said he would stop. Of course, he did not. This was a bad pattern for a long time. I would find things, he would come up with some crazy outlandish story trying to tell me they were not his, that someone else was on his computer, and so on.
Over time, I asked him to get more serious help and told him that honesty was paramount to continue in a relationship. He put X3 watch on his computer, and gave me his passwords, but it did not “catch” everything, and I felt like a parent rather than a girlfriend by having access and “spying” on him. Over time, he got “better” (his word) and I thought things were going well. I had no reason to believe differently. I was happy.
Then, he proposed. I had not looked at his email in a long time, as I thought things had been fixed (I suppose this was naive of me, but he had asked that I trust and believe in him, and so I did). After our engagement, I checked on his email and found images of him that were taken during a live video chat. read more…
Well me and my husband have been married for 6 months, together for around 3 years.
I’m very open sexually and our sex was always good, but not great. He never shared any fantasies, or most of the time would not even have an orgasm. I knew he watched porn and masturbated, which was fine. Then we move in together, sex gets more rare and distanced. I talked to him about it, he said he just wasn’t in the mood. Then I found out that he just wasn’t in the mood to have sex, but he was watching porn and masturbating when he went home for lunch and at night after I went to bed. We talked about it, he said he would stop.
Few months later I go home and he had forgotten the porn site up on the screen. I got so upset. He said he would stop again.
A week ago I had this feeling that he wasn’t being totally honest with me so I go on his computer. I look at the web history, it was clean. I go and look at the internet temporary files and there were a lot of nude pictures of young girls. Some of them looked 15. I asked him about it. He said he has watched porn and masturbated again. I asked him about the young girls, he said he likes teen porn, that’s all he watches. Among the teen pics I saw one of a little girl, around 8. He said he never watched that young, and that the temporary file was created from the pc somehow.
I’m trying to help him get over this but those young girls pics bother me a lot.
I’m afraid there is something he still is not telling me, after I’ve been suffering for almost a year and half about this porn and no sex thing. I’m scared and confused!! I don’t know what to do.
Thank you L for sharing your concerns here. Of course, you are right to be bothered by all these lies, relationship games and potentially incriminating pornography on the home computer. There needs to be some real changes, for both your sakes.
Every time you catch him out, he holds his hands up and promises to stop. But for some reason, it just doesn’t happen. Maybe he doesn’t really want to quit, and would be content to play these games for another year and a half. Or perhaps the intention is genuine and he goes cold turkey for a while, but lacks the motivation to really face up to this destructive habit. For him, bottling it all up just seems to make things worse.
Either way, you need to start seeing evidence of change. His promises are simply not enough.
There’s been a fair amount of discussion on this blog about the reasons why some men are drawn towards teen (or even younger) porn. Perhaps some event or learning from his childhood has influenced this tendency, or he only seems to get a buzz from exploring ‘forbidden’ territory. His reticence to enjoy real sex and intimacy is wrapped up in all of this too.
I can pretty much guarantee that whatever his issue, it’s not a reaction to you or your relationship. He will have learned this compulsive behaviour long before you arrived in his life. And there’s a limit to how much you can do for him. He needs to learn new ways to manage his emotions and sexuality. There’s a lot more to this than just stopping.
For your husband, making an appointment with a counsellor or therapist would be a good start. He will continue to benefit from your support and understanding. But if your relationship is to recover, taking deliberate action is his responsibility now.
Robert Osborne is a London-based Hypnotherapist, NLP Practitioner, and Life Coach with a particular interest in helping people to break free from compulsive porn use.
I recently interviewed Robert to find our more about his insight and approach:
Jason: Porn addiction is a really widespread problem and countless people are impacted. It’s a cause of immense embarrassment and private anxiety. Would you agree? And why do you think there’s so such taboo surrounding the issue?
Robert: I definitely agree – that was my experience, and certainly the experience of the people I’ve worked with since then. There’s definitely a lot of embarrassment and private anxiety – that’s a good term for it.
A lot of this really comes from the social aspect – sexuality is still a subject that’s brushed under the carpet. It’s still something that boys tend to learn about by talking behind the bikesheds, or these days, through sharing whatever porn they’ve got on their mobile phones. For sexuality to become something we’re more comfortable with, we have to start from the very foundations. There needs to be a reform of how sex education is taught in schools, and kids/teenagers need to feel that they can communicate there curiosity with their parents, teachers, and elders, without fear of being shamed or humiliated.
The shame and social anxiety also comes from the fact that people indulge in porn addiction very secretively. Even if the person is a family man or in a relationship, it’s often kept secret. There’s a dual identity thing going on, and I remember that playing out in my life very clearly. I remember feeling uncomfortable meeting people, knowing that the person I was presenting myself as wasn’t the person I was on the inside. And I certainly wasn’t that same person when nobody else was around.
Yep – and it’s so difficult to open up and be honest and relate, because unlike some other addictions (drinking and smoking), it seems that there’s no way that porn addiction can be given any kind of ‘cool spin’. There’s no acceptable public face for this habit!
Definitely – porn addicts to some degree get lumped in with the social stigma around people who misuse sexuality. They tend to get tarred with the same brush as sex offenders. And given labels like “pervert”. And of course, porn addiction is simply not the same.
Now that’s a really profound point.
People who struggle with porn do seem to experience withdrawal: frustration at themselves, mood-swings, anticipation of the next opportunity to get online and trying so hard to fight that urge. When we’re trying to quit, does it have to be that bad?
It’s different for each person, as it depends how ingrained the behaviour has become. How long has that person been living that lifestyle. For people who are acting out and viewing porn for many hours every day, suddenly stopping that behaviour has potential to leave a huge identity crisis. People in general tend to define themselves by what they do. And of course, porn addiction isn’t only what we see on the screen – it’s very much an internalised thing as well. We’re talking about becoming aware of a ritual thought process, or fantasizing, that has been used as a means of coping with the daily grind. read more…
Heterosexual men watching gay porn – what’s that all about?
What’s the link between early childhood experiences and sexual fantasy or compulsion in adulthood?
Such questions make for plenty of debate on this site, so I can thoroughly recommend ‘Straight Men, Gay Porn’ and Other Brain Map Mysteries – a recent article by Marnia Robinson. Here’s an excerpt:
Heavy porn users sometimes notice that as tolerance builds for their earlier tastes, they move in new directions in their search for intense arousal. Instead of seeking porn that accords with their former brain maps, many seek out what shocks them—perhaps because “forbidden” and “fear-producing,” when combined with sexual arousal, offer a bigger brain chemical kick… at least for a time. Each shift wires the new tastes into the brain.
… some users’ porn choices, such as spanking or domination scenarios, may be related to subconscious, that is, implicit, childhood memories of which they are unaware. Once activated by the “right” porn, and reinforced with orgasm, such scenarios can more swiftly become compulsions.
Completely unanticipated sexual tastes can arise.
I’m a big fan of Marnia Robinson and Gary Wilson’s research and writing, and can highly recommend their website www.reuniting.info
Hi, when I first saw this site I was amazed that all the things he was doing and all the things I had been feeling, were almost exactly what everyone else was saying. I wrote to you almost 2 years ago. I can truly say nothing has changed, except that I understand that porn addiction is real and I know what damage it can cause to the addicted and to the SO.
I have tried everything in the book and some things out of the book. Although my understanding of what an addiction is is clear and I do try my hardest not to be degrading or insulting just because I’m hurt and angry. I have said things I’m not proud of. The whole time dealing with this I have kept in mind that trying to talk to him and give him the respect he deserves is very important. I do realize that is part of the problem, he doesn’t respect himself and he does have low self-esteem. That doesn’t always make it not hurt or make me feel any better about myself.
I feel like I need to try to describe who he is before I ask the questions. He is 44, he has been married twice, once when he was very young, it only lasted a couple of years, and from some of the things I’ve heard from family, porn was an issue. He got married again about 6 years ago, they were only married for about 18 months and I know for certain porn is what broke them up. I read her dear john letter.
Of course, I didn’t know any of this before I became involved with him, I found out a little at a time. I was 50 when we met, I had been married for 20 years and raised 3 children. My marriage ended because my ex was verbally and emotionally abusive. I’m sure that played a role in why I would get involved with J. I’m not certain how but it just makes sense. That is one of the reasons it is important for me to get the whole picture, because at this point I can’t see us staying together much longer.
Unfortunately, I hurt my back in May 09 and I’m getting ready to go in for back surgery. I don’t have a lot of options at this time. I need to figure this out for me so I don’t make the same mistake again. Right now it just makes sense, for both of us, for me to stay but only for convenience. Which makes me very sad, because I do really care about him. I also think that he cares about me, as much as he can right now.
When we met I was feeling pretty good about myself, I had been single for a while, and I felt like I was ready for a serious relationship. But whatever self-esteem I had built up is long gone and its getting worse. I didn’t know anything about porn addiction, I think I had heard it on TV once or twice. At that time my exact thoughts were, “that’s a lame excuse for cheating on your partner”. That’s how ignorant about the subject I was. So when I started to figure things out, like how much time he was spending on it and how little time he was spending with me, and the little or no sex thing really threw me. read more…
It’s no surprise that a high proportion of addicts are also clinically depressed. It’s a chicken and egg question: are depressed people more prone to addiction, or does their addiction cause depression?
A recent Leeds University study leaves this question open, but confirms the link between excessive internet use and increased likelihood of depression. To quote Dr Catriona Morrisson:
What is clear is that, for a small subset of people, excessive use of the internet could be a warning signal for depressive tendencies.
Commenting in the Guardian today, John Crace asks:
How long do you think a normal person could spend surfing the net before starting to feel really depressed? The Leeds researchers identified social networking, porn and gambling sites as the natural habitat of depressed addicts. No surprise there. Talking online to people you don’t really know, sweaty silicon faking orgasm, and losing money you can’t afford to lose. All in perpetuity. What’s not to get depressed about?
And he has an novel take on the motivation/depression balance:
More interesting research might have been to identify which sites make you depressed the quickest. Could 10 minutes of Facebook or porn make you feel quite happy? It’s minute 11 and thereafter you have to watch out for.
I’d say that high levels of anticipation and inner-wrangling contribute to porn addiction, in addition to the number of minutes spent absorbing it. Even people who spend 20 minutes a day surfing porn can feel hooked and emotionally drained.
Also, it is interesting to note that of the 1,319 people surveyed in the Leeds University research, only 18 – 1.4% – were classified as internet addicts.
The Guardian comment can be read here, and the Leeds University research abstract is available here.
I’m very much at a loss, and this blog seems to have thoughtful people participating, so… maybe some of you have some insight? Please?
My husband and I were married only two months ago, but have been together for more than four years. We have a two-year-old daughter. Let me say upfront that my husband is an incredible person, someone I really respect and am very thankful for in general.
However. Bit of a porn/sex problem. Majorly. Majorly.
The backstory is that my husband comes from a quite disturbed family. His dad was a complete narcissist nut, a compulsive womanizer, whose sexual issues apparently dominated family life in an ugly way: The whole family, including three kids, knew all about his affairs when they were growing up, and knew about the devastating effect it had on the mother, etc. My husband was a total social hermit and a virgin until he was 29 (and, mind you, he’s not just a very accomplished and charming man, he’s as handsome as Paul Newman or something, seriously) and never had any sort of romantic relationship until that age. My husband’s older sister has had a history of avoiding intimacy and lives with a much older man in a sexless marriage. So. Okay. Over the years, there has been much speculation in the family about whether or not the Bad Dad molested the sister or not. The consensus was “Not,” because she can’t remember anything like that.
I’m quite adventurous sexually, and over the past few years have tried to encourage my husband to open up about his sexual interests and desires — generally to little avail. I’ve gotten him to watch porn with me a few times, but he didn’t seem into it. I’ve gotten books, toys, gone to adult stores, etc etc. But my husband always seemed kind of turned off by all this, and — at least until super turned on by tons of physical stimulation — remained quite inhibited. He would never admit to having any desires or predilections at all… beyond thinking it might be nice to have sex out doors. (Which, of course, I was very glad to do!) He claimed to be just super-vanilla-y. So while when we do have sex, it’s sometimes been fantastic, more often, we have a real “disconnect” between us in bed. I knew there was real passion in there, inside him, but I couldn’t seem to access it. It was like he was distant sexually.
So, I’ve known for a long time that he enjoys porn on the internet. And I’ve always said it was fine and dandy with me. I’ve tried many many times to get him to tell me what he was into when he watched porn, but I never got much answer beyond “I like real people really enjoying themselves.”
Which brings us to Saturday night. I had to go to a volunteer thing Saturday night, and my husband was alone all evening. When I came home, he was watching the computer with the lights off in his office, and I knew he was watching porn videos.
So, Sunday? Sunday I went on his computer and looked into the history, to see what kinda porn it was. read more…
