Not sure how to handle my partner's porn addiction, I feel incompentent and jealous. Any advice?
Ive finally met the love of my life. He is honestly perfect in all ways, as is our relationship, except for one. He is addicted to porn and has been since he was young. He was molested by a male at a young age and since then has been very sexually driven. We have been very open with each other and discussed this and all issues of our relationship. He told me when we started getting more involved he has always had an issue with porn. He was in a long term relationship (13 years) and him and his girlfriend did not have an active sex life. She used sex as a reward and cheated on him multiple times. He says porn was his form of release from pent up sexual frustration.
We have been together for almost nine months and he is a dream come true in every aspect of our relationship. We plan to get married in the next year. The only thing that scares me is not knowing if I can handle his addiction. I know (and he is open about it) when I am at work and he is off and at home, he looks at it continually. He doesn't chat or do dating sites, it's just straight pictures of nude women and porn videos. We have a very healthy sexual relationship, we both do anything and everything for each other. We are intimate at least 7-8 times a week and are both very satisfied. He tells me he isn't trying to replace me and that there isn't anything I am not giving him, it is just how "he is wired and he can't stop." I am a very attractive, fit woman who is very confident. He compliments me constantly on my body and how beautiful I am and how he wants no one else but me. I love hearing it, but in the back of my mind, I feel incompetent. I am starting to get very jealous of these picture perfect women and it's really starting to give me a complex on my self image.
He says he only does it when hes alone and bored at home and I'm not there. But, Iv caught him masturbating to it while I'm showering and sneaking peeks at sites while I'm busy in other rooms. I don't understand if he is so satisfied with me and our relationship, why he still has to act this way? I want to marry him in the near future, but I'm not sure mentally if I can handle this part of him. Please help. This is the most wonderful man and he is so perfect for me except for this. I'm not sure what to do. Thank you.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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Hi hdbru,
Let's pick up the positives first: you are both very much in love, and both able to discuss these issues in detail. This is a promising start!
When your boyfriend explains that it's "how he's wired and he can't stop", he sums up the addictive attachment that many men feel towards porn. But of course, there's always a bit more to it than that, and I wonder how it would really translate if he explored these feelings. We can only guess here.
Masturbating to porn is a common form of release from pent up frustrations, and there's nothing inherently problematic about that. But for some men, it turns into a default coping mechanism and then an instinctive ritual. Combine that with all the free, immediate porn available online and we have a full-time obsession on our hands. This comes to mind when you mention him sneaking peeks at every opportunity.
It's possible that the traumatic experience early in his life might be a factor. Sometimes this causes deeper insecurities, where we only feel truly safe and satisfied when masturbating in private or to a particular set of fantasies that can't be shared with a partner. Such insecurity can run in parallel with maintaining a regular relationship, never quite going away. For some men, watching porn feels like part of their identity that can't be let go.
But I'm just suggesting some possible factors here. In the therapy room, we explore all of this by discussing what porn he's drawn towards, what does it mean and what needs does it meet. Does it represent specific fetishes or lead to actual hookups with strangers, and what's the impact on the couple's relationship.
You've already filled in some of these gaps. He isn't hooking up with strangers and your sexual intimacy is thriving. But you're feeling a threat to the relationship, and worried about the long term. For so many partners, his almost constant state of distraction towards porn is annoying and disrespectful at best, and the cause of severe body and esteem issues at worst.
Again in couples therapy, we explore partners feelings too. Does it feel as if he is avoiding or shunning intimacy? Do you feel that he should be exclusive to you, or not turned on by other people on a screen? How hurtful is the secrecy factor in all of this? Is there room for a compromise or understanding, where he masturbates in private more than in secret?
These aren't loaded or right/wrong answer questions, but they help determine the nature of the addiction, and how it impacts your relationship. Both of you get some clarity, and we have something to work with.
Above all, I think you are right to address this issue now; I've seen many relationships where the frustrations and despair have dragged on for years. I would recommend finding some couple counselling if both of you would be up for that. We also have a help manual in the works for partners of porn addicts, but unfortunately it's not complete yet. In the meantime, I hope this is helpful and please feel free to discuss further.
Jason
porn addict
im 16 years old, am i too young to get addicted or am i already addicted?
Depends what you mean by
Depends what you mean by addicted. Depends on whether you just like porn (like most people) or can't stop looking even when you want to (porn addict).
hey there, i think you are
hey there, i think you are very brave, i wouldnt be able to accept my husband aiming to continue his addiction, the only reason i havent left him is that he is making an effort to change his ways.
i honestly think you are being very tolerant of this and that he must love you very much to be so open with you.
i can only speak from my own experiance, but to me the saving grace of a relationship over troubled waters is simply being able to communicate and then respond to eachother. so talk to him and find a solution that fits both of you rather then letting yourself get anymore hurt.
good luck and i wish i could help more, i feel for anyone going through this. i used to think our relationship was so strong but i guess not with recent events. x take care x
Hiya, I agree with what Jason
Hiya, I agree with what Jason has said, but I do think that he needs to change or you need to leave him.
You are already starting to feel bad about yourself and that is when you are a young, fit and attractive person. As the years go by, life will take its toll and you will feel more and more like you are not good enough only the mirror will start to back this up. Its in later years that you need him besides you, saying you look as beautiful as the day he met you and not in another room masturbating over young photoshopped women.
So, he needs to quit. I dont beleive that anyone is "wired" to be a porn addict. I felt like that once and did not think I could ever quit. However, I found this place and I read up on it and took it day by day and I've become unwired. He can do it too. It would be very hard and he'd need to really want to quit, but he can do it.
Hope it works out, for both of you and he realises that there is a lot more to women than their bodies. They have emotions and minds and all kinds of neat things and a photoshopped image will never give you much of a great massage!
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