Newlywed needs help--No one to turn to--please help
I have been married for 6 months and on our 6 month anniversary, last night, I confronted my husband for the 4th time about his porn addiction.
The first time was when we were dating and living together about 2 years ago. I found history on my laptop that we shared in our apartment for a pornographic website. I told him how hurt I was and that I would leave him if it happened again. He said he'd change.
Well it did happen again, 3 times, and I didn't leave and he didn't change.
The second time was 6 months after the first confrontation. We were engaged and I was getting ready to move across the state for my new job while searching for a house for us to live in. Pretty stressful time for us a couple plus we had been living 2 hours away from each other for about 3 months with bi-monthly weekend visits. This, I found several porn videos in his iTunes library while looking for a song I liked.
Again I confronted him and he tried to lie and say it was from the first time. However, this was on two different computers. I'm smarter than that. The laptop he was using was an old one of mine that I had a work during the time frame of confrontation one.
The third time was right before our wedding, May 2010. Amazon suggested that I like several porn videos in their recommendations. I was shocked. Again I confronted him and he was apologetic and said he was looking for something for his bachelor party. Believable but now I'm wondering if I was duped again.
The last time, fourth time, was last night. I was on a website looking for a book by an author I just discovered and liked. I begin typing in the name of the author that starts with an "n" and everything we had searched for on the computer starting with "n" appeared, including "naughty cowgirls". I went through every letter in the alphabet and found a total of 38 searches related to pornography. He tried to lie again and said it was from the bachelor party thing. I knew that was a lie and called him on it.
He slept on the couch last night. He is very sorry. He has said he knows he broke my heart, he's let me down, isn't fulfilling his marriage vows, will do whatever it takes and loves me so much it hurts. He says he cried himself to sleep and on the way to work today.
Today he's tried to hug me but I don't want him to touch me. He has said numerous times that he loves me and is sorry. I haven't said I love you too, or it's ok, and even took off my wedding ring.
Things to know:
-I haven't told anyone yet and neither has he. I'm ashamed and don't want my friends and family to treat or view him differently.
-Since we've been married, we have sex about once a week. I am open for trying new things but he never tries anything new.
-I set a password to the laptop so he can't log on without me knowing.
-Each time I found the porn was an accident. I don't go looking for it. I wanted to believe he has changed but each time I'm disappointed about 6 months later.
-I've told him how much this hurts me but it always seems too complicated to leave. Rent to pay (1st time), in the process of a new job/house (2), wedding (3), Christmas time/house payments/dog (4).
-I know that I am a beautiful woman. I am healthy, young (25) and feel like I'm a beautiful person inside and out. The first time I feel inadequate because of the porn. Now I just feel cheated and betrayed because he has said he will change and is knowingly putting our relationship in danger.
-We have talked about trying to get pregnant this coming year. I will not bring a child into a home where the trust is broken.
What do we do to save our marriage? I've looked up therapists in our area. I told him I need some time to think out what I want/need from him to fix it. Is it fixable? I believe it's worth saving, I meant it when I said "for better, or for worse" in our vows. How do we go through the holidays acting like everything is fine? How will I know he's actually changed?
Thank you for reading this far. Please help in any way you can. Similar stories. Ideas. Places I can get support. Advices. Anything is better than where I'm at now. Thank you.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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Shining a light on the issues
Hi KristinK,
Welcome to the forum. I know how much anxiety this situation causes, and how disappointed and alone you must be feeling. Many partners reading here will be able to relate.
Firstly, it is fixable and it certainly sounds to me that your relationship is worth saving. I'd like to pick up on your mention of needing some time to think out what you want/need from him to fix it. This is a good approach right now, to step back and get clear on exactly what the issues are for you both. It's also your chance to disassociate yourself from being any possible cause of the problem.
His liking for porn is in no way a reaction to you or your relationship, and he decided he liked it long before you came along. I get the feeling you are already clear on that, but it's natural for partners to feel inadequate or even blame themselves.
So many couples find themselves locked into the horrible loop: porn discovery -> challenge -> denial and lies -> pleading promises never to do it again. And this can drag on for years. To move forward, we recommend deeper dialogue and empathy. Not so easy when the relationship feels on the brink, I know, and working with a couples therapist can really help.
Some aspects to consider are: what does porn do for him? How much priority does he give it and does he feel a need to stop? What do you specifically resent about his behaviour? Is this a threat to your shared understanding of monogamy in this relationship, and does he understand why? Has this ever been discussed and agreed? Many couples only realise they are at odds over this after the discovery of some porn on the computer.
He may be a compulsive porn user for any number of reasons: awkwardness or learned shame about sex, fear of being judged, hooked on escapism, procrastination... the list goes on. There are techniques and sources of support that I'd be happy to recommend.
Or he might just like to watch it now and again. There are resolution options for this too, including the possibility of a working compromise. It's often preferable to splitting up over opposing attitudes towards porn, and couples can thrive with a mutually honoured space for self-pleasure.
But I'm jumping the gun here. I hope this is helpful, and please feel welcome to discuss any aspects here. And I'm sure some partners will add their views.
Week 1 Update
Thanks for the advice and support all. We are further along than we were last week. I had him read my first post. I also had him said what would happen if this situation happened again which is I would kick him out and tell both of our parents why he's no longer living with me.
After a few days of thinking about it, I told him I wanted him to talk to a counselor about his addiction. I found a survey for him to take about pornography addiction. His results indicated an addiction. We both agreed it wasn't a "couples" problem or problem with our relationship. It is his problem that affects me. I agreed to go with him to therapy if that is recommended by a counselor/therapist.
He set up a counseling appointment with a counselor trained in addiction but wasn't able to get an appointment until January 18th. A long time from now and probably a long time before actual change can take place.
What things should we talk about before the first session? I asked if he thought anymore about it and he said he hadn't.
Reflecting beyond the shock, pain and humiliation of my 4th pornographic discovery of his, I am unsure as to when I will trust him again with this. I have put a password on the laptop. I feel if he is truly addicted, he'll find a way. Like reading about the wife whose husband was using their son's PSP to access the internet. He has a BlackBerry. Hopefully the therapy will help and he'll talk to me about that and the trust can rebuild.
Our sexual relationship just seems to be going through the motions (Before this last discovery). Same routine, every time. Like I said, I'm up for new things but he isn't and seems to rush to the "big moment." Maybe this is something I need to bring up in a casual setting before getting intimate. We haven't been intimate since before the discovery. I am afraid of forgiving too quickly or just acting like I've forgiven him.
I hope therapy helps my husband. He tried very hard during the holidays to "be good" but I often felt depressed and like an actress.
Please let me know about other techniques/discussion ideas for us in addition to his addiction therapy.
Take care.
Hi KristinK I hope the
Hi KristinK
I hope the counselling helps - is it just for him or are you both going? I have had the same problem getting an appointment with an expert that isn't weeks away, these people seem very busy probably with men addicted to porn :(
In the meantime have you been able to talk about the things that Jason mentioned? Like how much of a problem he sees it as and how long he's been like this? Has he tried to give up and what seems to go wrong for him? This is what me and my husband have discussed with varying levels of success but it does help. My husband also agreed to join here and has written some things from his perspective which can only help.
I know about the depression. The main thing is to keep a healthy distance if you can - be there for him but also make it clear that he needs to deal with this. As you say, he'll find a way if he really wants to cheat and view porn and it comes down to trust which he hasn't earned yet.
Best wishes to you both.
I hope therapy goes well for
I hope therapy goes well for him and it's good that he is volunteering for it. You should try to talk about the sex problem outside of the bedroom. I know it well because my ex lost all performance and I know it was because of too much porn. Was disinterested and "tired" or just rushing to get his own result - I gave up on sex with him in the end. If you can talk about this and at the same time let him know that it doesn't feel easy/right for you since the discovery, that's got to help. Good luck!
Dear KristinK, I am in very
Dear KristinK, I am in very much the same position with my husband of many years. He has promised to stop and so far so good (3 weeks now) but I am nowhere near trusting him. He also told me he loves me whenever we argued about his looking at porn and I'm quite sure he means it.
The problem with my husband is an addiction where he was out of control and spending many hours collecting and downloading porno films. Our sex life became almost non-existent. Jason might be right and your situation could be different? If your husband was happy to try new things in the bedroom would you feel less concerned about him looking at porn now and again? I wouldnt have minded so much if my husband hadn't been so secretive and obsessed most of the time. I could tell when we wanted to get away from me and back to the internet.
For the holidays maybe this is a good time to let him know that he can talk to you about it. I spent many holidays pretending everything was fine and I was just storing up resentment. Talk about your sexual needs as well as his porn viewing as he needs to get the full picture. I hope you can both pull together and save your marriage.
trying to fulfill a deep need and intimacy through images of eve
The c.hemicals get addicted to the high that the visual images and sounds bring...instead of intimacy with a real woman.A man may feel safer. There,no responsibility,no pressure,but in actuality just makes a bigger hole in the disconnect from. others....I identify...I see it as a trap a deception...no real love or affection...bring it into the open and the light.I feel your pain
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