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Submitted by Lisa on Thu, 04/08/2011 - 16:16

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I am new to this forum and thought it would help me understand. My boyfriend is addicted to porn and I have found numerous texts and websites. He recently joined an erotica match website and kept himself logged in and I found the emails back and forth to several woman. This was the 4th time that I found things like this. He admits he has a "problem" and even said he thought I could help him, but never told me anything when I moved in with him. I don't trust him at all and think it is time to move on. He must have sex with these woman becauses he certainly does not with me. I was a mess a couple of weeks ago, but am getting back on track now and just need some advice. Thank you.

Hi Lisa, this is another Lisa who has been there. A lot of what you say reminded me of the arguments, secrets and lies that I went through with my ex. Even the thing about hoping the problem would go away when I moved in with him, but not even telling me. Great sex for the first few weeks, very loving and then it slows down quickly and you ask what you're not doing right for him. I think you are right... it is time to move on and leave him to his websites. I did and even though we stay in touch, my ex is still addicted and in denial I'm sure. Just please realise that you didn't cause the problem as he had this problem first. If he really wanted to do something about it he would, and not just hope you would somehow help him get cured. Let's hope he sees the light when you are gone, but you are best out of it. Sorry if this sounds hard but so pleased you are getting back on track and don't let him derail you with more selfishness and lies.

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Thank you for your reply and it feels good to talk about this with someone else that knows what it feels like. He has a great way of making me feel guilty because, of course, I am snoopy and I found the websites and text messages. He even said that one of the text messages he received was some sort of a group email from an escort service. The text asked what he was doing that night. They had to get his number somewhere. When I found the emails from the erotica match place, I was truly devestated with the things he was talking to 18 different woman about. I am in no way a prude, but these were pretty explicit, oh, he said it was all a game, even though he told one woman he would meet her half way (she lived a couples hrs away) and spend money on her and have sex with her. Games hurt people and to tell you the truth, it has destroyed my life and my trust in men. I even tried to committ sucide over this man.
Thank you again for your response and I am glad you got out of your situation and are healing.

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Hello Lisa,

Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you've been through a lot of pain and come out the other side with the decision to move on. This must have been difficult to work through and I expect you've spent time trying to fix the 'problem' and perhaps even blamed yourself for not being able to fix the problem. I hope you can see that you've done everything you can, and can move on in the knowledge that you worked very hard trying to keep this together.

Most guys use internet porn and you say yourself that you're not a prude; many partners are happy to accept this, providing that the love and intimacy expectations within their relationship are not sacrificed as a result. So it follows that is is the simplest way to spot problem porn behaviour - if he is neglecting you for the sake of his porn, there's a problem.

In your case, your partner's negative behaviour appears to have extended to sexual fantasising with other women and visiting escort websites. It's worth saying that, despite appearances, this kind of behaviour can be an extension of porn 'viewing' with talk of meeting up with strangers merely being part of the fantasy. When it comes to it, going through with an encounter with a stranger takes considerably more courage and preparation than email correspondence from the safety of our home computers.

This brings me onto the main point I wanted to make. Whilst we can speculate exactly what he's doing and what's 'wrong' with him, what's important is his willingness to accept there's a problem. OK, perhaps it is just a game, but it's a game that's hurting you, his partner. If he truly cared about you then he'd be open to discussions and the fact that his response to your pleas for change have resulted in a suicide attempt tells me that you've made an important decision to walk away.

I wish you luck in moving on from this painful experience. Thank you again for sharing your story which will no doubt be helpful to other people in similar circumstances.

Nathan

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Hi Nathan--thank you for what you said and like I mentioned before, it is nice to have another view on what has happened. While I am not a prude, I have always had a difficult time with porn and people that view it. I know it happens a lot and I know men AND woman enjoy it, it's just not for me. I do agree that if it is mutual and not kept a secret, it might be different with other people.

I guess I just need the reinforcement that I am not worthless and that there are men in the world that can and will care about me. It's been a long time.

Thanks, again.

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Lisa, any relationship that has made you suicidal is one to get out of. Never mind the porn and the lies and all the rest of it, get out for that reason alone.

Personally, I think it sounds a lot more than a game to me. A game would have been pretending you were close to the person and seeing if you could have got them to agree to meet and then fantasise over it (I think). But even IF it were a game, the nature of porn is that pretty soon your latest hit is not enough and you want more and stronger, just like a druggie. I dont know the guy, but I figure in the end he would drive and see them.

Regardless, you're in a loveless relationship with someone who is lying and cheating on you and making you feel worthless and suicidal. Get out, move on and find someone who appreciates you for who and what you are and who makes you feel special.

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Thanks for your email--what you have said is so true and I somehow believe he would drive to meet these woman. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust a man again and to tell you the truth, I hate the person I have become--jealous and snoopy. I don't want to feel ugly and worthless anymore. It is not my fault that he chose to do this, but he always pushes it back on me.

I am hoping he will move out at the end of the month.

Thank you again and take care.

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Oh and you will trust and love again.

My wife cheated on me and I swore "never again" (and tried to kill myself) and my fiancee cheated on me and I swore "never again" and now I'm engaged again... if this fails, then... "never again" :)

I can understand the ugly and worthless thing and I'm sorry about it all. Its not your fault he looks at it and it is not you that is at fault. I used to look at porn when I was dating a stunning looking woman... God knows why, I guess you just get used to the "stunning" and it becomes ordinary. Thankfully I am no longer that person.

Take care girl.

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sorry
- I posted my story onto yours by accident

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have not been on here for a couple of weeks. Things have gone from terrible to more than terrible. I need to get a grip and I don't know how to move on. I found another phone number on my boyfriends phone this morning and it was an escort. I asked him about it and he denied it and wanted me to explain myself. He said he is not seeing escorts and he is furious, in fact, he told me to _____k off and he is going to ignore me for the rest of his life. Why is it always my fault? The weekend was awful and I took too many sleeping pills--I am weak and just don't want to be here. I can't leave him because I have no where to go. Any advice would be helpful. Just help me make it through the day. Thank you

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Hi Lisa.

Cant say much right now (on couch with my lass). Get out the house and go to friends or family or failing that get a room for the night.

Just get away. Its important or you will OD. After that you can figure out what to do when you are able to think again. If its your house, kick him out and get the police if he wont go. If its not, just get out and start over. It hard and will be crap at first but beats suicide or the hell you are going through.

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