My boyfriend is infatuated with gay and shemale porn and chatlines - Les's story

Submitted by Anonymous on Mon, 08/11/2010 - 14:37

Anonymous's picture

I have been reading articles and looking for resources to help me understand and forgive my boyfriend after finding out about the man I thought I knew.

I met him over a year ago, By mistake, the last thing I wanted was another relationship since I had just gone through a break up with my previous boyfriend of 6 years who turned out to be a very abusive, controlling, alcoholic. I needed time to heal and find myself once again and come to the point where I could trust another man. He knew this from the beginning, I was very reluctant to being involved. There was something that drew me to him. I wasn't used to someone being so nice, so sincere. Little did I know what the future would bring.

I tried hard the first several months of our relationship to keep my guard up and not allow myself to develop feelings. I did not allow myself to spend every night with him and limited the time he spent around my children because of the heartache we had already been through. Around the holidays I introduced him to my family, they fell in love with him. The first time this has ever happened! I was relieved and thought this really was a great thing after all, they never have really accepted either one of the men I had serious relationships with and they were always right. All seemed to be going well in our happy little world or so I thought.

It's the spring now and I notice some distance between him and I. I'm still very on guard and question peoples sincerity. Over the month of March and April I can feel his distance. He plays in a band and after practice there were nights I got no phone calls back and found out he was spending time at the bar with friends at night. I had a phone call from someone and found out he was making out with a woman there and that's when the nightmare began.

I immediately confronted him and he apologized to no end and really seemed sincere. I still had so many thoughts and this gut feeling there was more and oh boy was there. After he had ruined my trust he wanted to prove to me that he hadn't been talking to this woman so let me look at his phone bills online. What was he thinking?? To my horrific surprise there were phone calls all through out so many nights at all hours and I didn't know what to think.

This pattern showed well before we were together and I wasn't sure what to think. I didn't say much to him and just decided to do more research on this. I became almost obsessed after finding all the pornography, sex toys, phone numbers he gathered from the gay hotlines and dating sites he was on, he was calling men at all hours when I wasn't around, morning , noon, and night, whenever he had time alone. He was also using his cell phone to look at gay, tran, and shemale porn. He said this was just a "fetish" and that he wasn't gay but just curious. He had escort magazines for gay, tran, shemale that dated back to 2005. It was everywhere when I started to look around.

I would have left him right away but meanwhile during all of this of all things, I find out I'm pregnant! How do I get myself into these things? He was masturbating I don't know how many times a day to this stuff. I have no clue. I have never felt unwanted before until now, no wonder he had a hard time staying erect and I thought it was his BP medication. Although he did get his doctor to give him viagra and that was the only time he could get erect and keep it.

I have always been very open and have same sex fantasies but not to this extreme. It saddens me in a way that he has obviously lived this lie for many years. I guess his last long term girlfriend found out also and he gave some excuse why he continued after she found out of course being her fault. He told me that he would get counseling when I found out, whatever it took to save our relationship. This was in June. Sitll nothing. He did change his phone number after one of his "friends" kept calling. I am putting this mildly as far as what I've found out. It's embarrassing and just wished I never knew or better yet never met him. I do love him in so many ways but he isn't the man he said he was. I know he has taken my panties also which kind of makes me wonder, I found them in his closet but since, they have been moved. I never have told him I found them.

I have tried to be gentle with him about the situation because I really don't think he has actually cheated on me. I think he gets off on the whole fantasy mostly. He did say he had been with a man before and I knew he enjoyed anal. I don't particularly care for it myself but we all have our thing that turns us on. He wonders why I don't come on to him anymore, I was tired of the rejected before when he couldn't get an erection other than when we first woke in the mornings.

I asked when these infatuations started when I first found out and he said the whole shemale and tran thing came about after he and his dad had seen a talk show with them on there and couldn't believe they could look so feminine. He also said he had gotten the sex line numbers off the t.v. and I since found out from looking at the escort magazines that it was on the back covers of those. I know it's embarrassing to him but this has affected me more than he knows or wants to acknowledge. I feel trapped. I wonder if he truly feels the same even though he begs me to marry him and us move on with our life. I just can't get past this. I have tried. It haunts my thoughts a lot. Especially when we have nights alone. I won't babysit him though and feel it has to be on his terms to rid himself of all the porn. I feel if I took his porn he would only find another way secretly to look at it. I guess knowing that it went to the point of him actually talking to other men and actually hooking up which was by the phone hotline a couple years ago, I feel it's only a matter of time before he gives into his cravings once again. He says I am overly worried and its just a fetish. Get real, does he think I'm that stupid? I went to the point of calling one of the hotlines he frequented and heard his little ad thing looking for a shemale or transvestite... I cringe when I even think about it now.

I have no clue what to do. I'm due with our child in January and he is very excited since this is his first child. He wants to move in together but I can't at this point due to the fact I can't trust him. I would like to resolve this huge mess but know that lies in his hands. He wants to act like it never happened.. how can I do that? I have to say this whole situation is crazy to me and I can't even talk to anyone about it as far as family and friends though because I'm so embarrassed and devastated.

Hi Les,

Firstly, thank you for sharing your story. It's clear that you are a very loving, open-minded woman who is focussed on what support you can offer and action you can take, to restore some normality and redress the balance in your relationship.

I have to say that your situation is complex; there are your existing children, your previous relationship problems and your pregnancy before we get to what you and your boyfriend want and need.

I would always say that empathy and understanding from your side are the correct precursor to open communication. But your story reads as if you already understand so much about why he may be looking at transgender porn. I would agree that because he has the opportunity to act out but he doesn't, that his interest is purely as fantasy.

But there does seem to be a compulsive element to his behaviour and this is evident in its persistence despite your requests for it to stop. I would tend to agree with you that if he's masturbating frequently but unable to get erect in bed with you, that this is a symptom of his masturbation rather than any medication that he's on.

The best thing about your story is that you already have adult, open dialogue with him where he clearly feels able to tell you what he's doing and how he's feeling. Within this openness you need to ask him if he's committed to stopping; and if he is, what his reasons are. I would suggest you ask the question in this way rather than telling (or asking) him to stop for you.

I think it's time to put some timescales in place. If he's committed to counselling then ask him how many weeks he needs to arrange this. If he says "2 weeks" then make a note in the diary and if that time passes without result, you can reasonably start to wonder if he's really committed to change. Always ask him, don't ever try to give him deadlines because that'll be his excuse for failure.

As much as you are prepared to work with him on this, if he's showing no signs of being prepared to change, you need to decide whether you're prepared to live with him like this, or if you need to leave. This would be a very sad outcome particularly after your prior experience, but your happiness is key.

You may be being too kind at the moment - you both need to agree that there's a consequence if he doesn't change. However if he's prepared to do some work, that you will be there for him, whatever he needs.

Good luck.

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Hi Les,

It sounds as if he is playing games right now. Many partners will be able to relate to this situation, and it can be so difficult to avoid taking a role and playing right along.

"I won't babysit him though and feel it has to be on his terms to rid himself of all the porn. I feel if I took his porn he would only find another way secretly to look at it." - I totally agree. It's tempting, but it plays right into the game and lets him feel like the pressurised victim in all of this.

It has to be positive that you both have been able to discuss the issue, and hopefully you can both build on this. He needs to fully understand exactly how his behaviour makes you feel and your fears for the future of the relationship, especially with your child on the way. He needs to wake up to the reality that he really risks losing you.

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Hey is there any way we could communicate? I am going through the exact same thing, like exactly, I am pregnant and due in July. I found out in october that he was consistently looking at gay porn and chatting w men and selling his "cum-stained underwear" on craigslist. Of course he lied about everything through his teeth again and again and again until I confronted him with the few facts I had (dates of pictures) and I know there is more. He said he stopped in feb, I know this isn't true bc when I lied for a second and said I found a pic from last June he basically believed me but I quickly confessed I was lying. He lied to much, again and again and again. He is acting all wonderful and my family loves him and now we are having a baby and WTF WTF WTF I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS OVER. What am I supposed to do how will I ever trust him again? I NEVER will. Oh. And the real issue, after all of this. So much drama btw and we haven't had sex since or been comfortable, I just looked on his (Totally cleaned out of. Course) computer, looked about until I found a text exit document called cookies.plist, Checkex for old cookies I knew he had before to ensure this list was new. And promptly found cookies for manjam.com. He promised and acted like he didn't even want to go on those sites, liar.

I have no friends, I have no life, I am pregnant. Please help me somehow. He also said he hasn't looked at porn since this happened. But I find he's been on redtube, which btw many of my straight male friends don't like bc there is too much gay porn. I'm pretty sure he is just gay and not bi like we had discussed. There is more info but I'm losing my mind. Can someone please help me??? I was so in love with him. Please help me please help me please

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Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, and I know how horrible all this can feel. Did you say that you've had a discussion with him about possibly being bi? What was his take on this?

Some guys in straight relationships view gay porn because it's different and exciting. They don't identify as gay or bi and have no real intention of hooking up with other guys. It's a porn fantasy.

Then there are the guys who have some bisexuality and never told their wife or girlfriend. They might be in denial, terrified of being judged, even homophobic.

Either way, if you are unhappy these things need to be discussed. On the face of it, I'm not sure selling underwear to other guys on Craigslist is something curious straight guys do because it's 'different'.

I'm jumping the gun here, but is there any hope for compromise? Plenty of couples do it. Could you live with him viewing gay porn now and again as long as 1) he didn't contact other guys 2) he didn't lie about it? Or is the whole concept a deal-breaker? You are entitled to your own way forward, and he didn't give you all the facts when you first hooked up with him. This needs to be reconciled - you both owe it to yourselves and your baby.

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hi!
Honestly: If I were you, I'd leave him. Plus, he needs to be alone to know what he really wants.
Threre's no way you can save this situation. Leave him, or accept his twisted nature, and use it to enrich your sexual life. Now if you don't like him as he really is, you won't change him.
You woudn't be the first separated couple to have a baby.

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2 weeks ago I moved in with my boyfriend. We are both in our 40's. One week after moving in he had a very violent outburst and broke my cell phone into a million little pieces and assaulted me. I was basically trapped in our apartment and it was awful. He gave me a cell phone that my sim card could be used in. Going through the phone I came across a telephone number that I didn't recognize and dialed it. It was for a gay chat line. I was in complete disbelief. I gently asked about it, I feared I might anger him further so I just dropped it when he denied that he had made any calls to any chat line (I didn't mention it was a gay chat line). After he went to work the following day I went though our apartment and powered up every dead old cell phone he had and found this number countless times on EVERY phone. This has been going on for years. I called my ex-husband who came with some fellows and we packed up my stuff and I was out of there in minutes. Upon leaving I left one of his old cell phones on the counter with the phone # clearly displayed. Of course the texts and phone calls started rolling in and he insists that I have it all wrong and he is not gay. He texted that he and one of his ex girlfriends were swingers and that was all. That doesn't explain why the telephone number is on the phone one month ago of course or the fact that this chat line is for men only. "hot men getting on to get off with other hot men" is the catch phrase. Yesterday I spent the morning at the STD clinic getting tested for AIDS, Hep C & B and a list of other STD. I am terrified. I asked this man to just tell me how at risk he put me, I deserve to know that much. He is never going to tell me the truth, insists that I am crazy and creates all kinds of drama to divert my attention from this sad, sad truth. Right now I feel like a disease ridden punching bag. I should have had the right to decide if I wanted to have sex wtih countless gay men. There was no way I could see this coming. Had I not found that number this never would have ever occured to me. There was no indication whatsoever, no one that knows him would ever even believe this. I loved this man so dearly, we had an incredible connection and made love often. He was, in fact, an amazing lover. I don't know if I will be able to move past this to be honest. I am just crushed by the violence and then this terrible secret life that he lead putting my very life in danger. He was the first relationship I've had since leaving my husband who I left because he was cheating with women off the internet! So here I am, 10 years, 2 lovers waiting yet again for results from and AIDS test. Not because of reckless behavior I have displayed but because of the men I choose to be with. I guess the reckless thing I did was trust these 2 men. How hard is it to be honest? I cannot imagine the burden it is to carry such a secret or to feel so confused. Why would anyone choose to live like this? Moreover, I cannot imagine endangering another person's life like this. Should my results come back positive for anything I am charging this man. Aside from that, there is no further contact.

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Hi Candy,

Thanks for sharing your story. Firstly let me say how sorry I was to read this. The domestic violence at the top of this story is deplorable and for that reason alone you are justified in walking away from the relationship. No one deserves to live in fear, in their own home.

You have posted this on a porn addiction forum however and I'm going to pick up on the rest of the story. Your reaction is completely understandable (gay phone line = partner is gay) but your conclusions may not be correct. There are very many instances of men using gay and transgender porn (and chat lines) without in fact being gay. Sometimes this is a result of escalation - the way that 'vanilla' porn loses its impact over time - and the way some people look for something new and shocking to get the same buzz. It might be related to power such as his desire to tell someone what to do and feel in control. It may also be curiosity, though I quickly note that this does not mean that he ever intends to explore this in real life.

You say "there was no indication whatsoever" and that's perhaps your biggest clue that his behaviour was limited to gay chat lines. After all, you went through all of his phones and didn't stumble across a number of a real guy he'd been seeing or a gay escort agency.

Of course, this doesn't diminish the shock, the feeling that you perhaps never knew the guy at all. But I wonder if we can blame him completely for hiding and denying this when your reaction has been to leave him and go to an STD clinic.

I suggest that you have a look around these forums at all the cases of straight men looking at gay porn, for reassurance. Perhaps you might also think of fantasies or sexual imagery that you like but would never explore in real life.

Next, you didn't mention the impact of these phone calls beyond your concern about his sexuality. It sounds like your sex life was ok, but was this impacting on your finances or his capacity to work or engage with his friends?

My final point comes back to my first. If your boyfriend has a 'very violent outburst' one week after you move in, then this gay chat line thing is irrelevant. It's your call but I would strongly suggest you consider whether you can live with someone like this. It's hard, but it might be better to get out now than after a year of abuse.

Thanks again for sharing your story.

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Thank you for taking the time to reply to my posting. I found this site off the internet when searching for sites that related to my story. When this turned out to be a site for porn addiction. My ex-husband had/has a serious addiction to porn which ultimately lead to our seperation as he ultimately acted out and continues to do so. He attended SA and eventually decided that he wasn't as bad as everyone else. So to this day his house is filled with porn and he is on countless hook up sites and uses prostitutes. When I went through this in my marriage I turned to SA to see if there was a support group for the partners of porn/sex addicts and there was nothing to be found! That surprised me. Perhaps this history was somewhat the catalyst for my reaction, although I left after the violence finding the gay chat line just filled me with anguish. Gosh, when I met him I was so happy that I met a man that didn't even own any porn and has no computer. Whew! I don't have to worry about that happening again. I appreciate your point in why my boyfriend might hide this but to be fair, he could have shared this with me. I am very open sexually and we discussed at length our histories. He made himself out to be very vanilla in addition to the fact that he wouldn't go near any of my gay friends and would use terms like "faggot" regardless of how offensive I find slurs of any kind. I want to believe, oh I want to believe that he just called this particular chat line to listen to men's ads discussing their desires but I found his recording...so much for that. I went through his phones looking for one particular number. I wanted to believe that it was some sort of fluke that this number was on the phone I had in my possession. But it wasn't a fluke and he had been calling that chat line countless times a day for years. I didn't take the time to call all the numbers he had dialed and find out if he was calling gay lovers. I don't know how I could distinguish that anyway. It was upon my doctors advise that I go for testing after hearing my story. If my doctor thinks that this person that decieved has put me at risk I'm not going to question it. At the end of the day my boyfriend will admit nothing. He has just insisted he is not gay and threatens me further. Make no mistake I am just heartbroken and his secret has now become mine. I won't be returning to him to find out what is next. Thanks for your input. I have found this site quite helpful for support with both of the men I have choosen to be with over the last 10 years. C

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So since the beginning of my husbands and my relationship, ive noticed a few weird things. On his computer in the first few months i found gay guys pictures in the trashbin, and old gay porn videos, since i did not know him that well i figured oh ok well maybe he is telling the truth that this computer he bought off someone and this stuff stayed. So shortly after maybe id say in the next year of our relationship, i found out he had a fake myspace and was talking to transgender men saying he wanted to be "friends" and hang out. I was crushed ultimately over him being involved with ghetto females and transgender males. He changed all that and i didnt see anything i suspected that was wrong. As far as i know. Then all of a sudden now, we have sprint and i have seen gay porn in his hstory of the internet and saw his phone log, and lo and behold noticed some unfamiliar numbers. :( he has been calling a gay chatline and some other places as well. I called back the numbers i didnt recognize and two were men and a few others wont answer. Im very worried. Does anyone know whats going on with this? Is it normal??

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