My Bofriend has decided porn is better than sex with me

Hi LH Ah... it's interesting

Submitted by Jason on Fri, 19/11/2010 - 21:53

Hi LH

Ah... it's interesting how guys who devour shedloads of porn somehow become the most exhausted, "I'm not just about sex, you know", hard-done-by victims! You're not asking too much here. You just want some enjoyable sexual intimacy back in the relationship, and his porn is getting in the way.

So many wives and girlfriends are cool with watching porn together, and it would seem like an obvious solution. But when they suggest it, all his awkwardness, guilt and defensiveness kicks in. It's as if you are touching a deeper nerve somewhere. Have you had that feeling?

If he's anything like most men that fall into the habit, he hasn't really decided that porn sex is better than sex with you. He probably sees the ridiculousness of the situation! But the compulsive habit has messed with his sexual response and he feels stuck in a loop. I'm not making excuses for him though - waking up and making changes is perfectly achievable and he needs to put the effort in.

I wonder if you are able to let him know exactly how you feel and your worries for the relationship? But try to avoid a confrontation (though I know it's tempting). Maybe explain that you understand how porn can put guys out of touch with wanting real sex, and he'll have your support if he wants to work on a few changes around here. But make it clear that you're looking for more than a companionship relationship.

I hope this helps, and let us know how things go?

Jason

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While you two enjoy cuddles

Submitted by lisab on Fri, 19/11/2010 - 22:13

While you two enjoy cuddles and kissing, there's always a foundation to build on. Your boyfriend should lay off the secret porn and continue to enjoy cuddling. It might take him time to do more than that, but no pressure if he lays off the porn. I dont recommend sharing his porn though as it might send him the wrong message.

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I think he's just being

Submitted by Anonymous on Sun, 22/05/2011 - 20:51

I think he's just being silly, why would a guy who wants sexuality be somehow turned off by it?
He's scared, thats why. What type of porn does he watch? Because maybe he feels as though he couldn't do well enoguh for you, or something like that, maybe you should just drag him to bed some night, I'm sure a guy would like that

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im in a very similar

Submitted by daisy on Mon, 06/06/2011 - 11:27

im in a very similar situation to you ...i too have been with my partner for 2 yrs ..at first he was so loving very affectionate couldn't get enough of me ....so you can imagine how upsetting it was to find lots of porn on his lap top ..when he said sex with me was the best he d ever had , i was so confused ..i tried to keep calm even though it really knocked my confidence , i started to think everything he said to me was just words .....when i asked him about it he said it had become a way of life for him for many years when he was with his ex wife ...but that he doesn't need it anymore ....so why still look ? ..anyway i told him how open i was & that i didnt really mind as long as he involved me maybe we could watch it together ect ...but he was never keen on this ..as he said it did nothing for him when i was around ....he said he will stop watching it as he knew he could ..it had just become a habit ....but 2 yrs later ..even though he knows how i feel ...i still find he does it esp when im working all night ...i came home one evening unexpected & he had a site on which was live cam although he says he hadnt subscribed and never would he said it just pops up when he goes on certain porn sites ...he never admits to me that he watches porn untill i catch him red handed ....he does seem to have a problem showing me affection these days although he does really enjoy making love to me ....but i sometimes think he needs these images in his head to make love to me ....he totally denies this ....but what else am i supposed to think ! im so confused ,all this is turning me into a paranoid insecure woman who is gradually losing her confidence ...i could never be like the young girls he looks at im 47 yrs old ...

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Sorry to hear all that.

Submitted by Nomad on Tue, 07/06/2011 - 02:33

My fiancee is about your age and i can imagine her feeling the same emotions if I had been found out. That and my self esteem and this place helped me quit. Maybe point him in the direction of this place and get him to read about fellow sufferers and more importantly about partners of addicts and how they feel. There is a good link off this site to a place where partners of recount their feelings. I read almost all that site so I could realise how I came across. More than anything else, that helped me get where I am now which is free (to date) of a porn habit I had had for years.

In regard to your specific case, the sex I had (and have) with my fiancee was the best, but I was still doing porn when she wasnt around. I told myself it was to get over stress and that it wasnt harming anyone and other lies that made me feel like it was alright. It wasnt.

I felt myself viewing women increasingly as sex objects and despite myself I was comparing my fiancee to the images I'd seen online. Part of me was saying "yes, but I could never love someone who does what these people are doing" and I told myself that I was "just" recapturing a youth where I really didnt have that many sexual encounters. I very stupidly told myself that porn kept me loyal, because any urges I had to cheat I could get rid of with porn and they would be gone. How stupid was that?

I did however start to compare my fiancee to these women (I managed to overlook my own limitations and the effects of time) and I thought about things I'd seen online at times when we were having sex (it wasnt making love as porn use tended to make me more and more "goal orientated", i.e, make sure she had an orgasm and was therefore happy and then have one myself and "job done"). Feels really crap admitting this, but there you go. No point hiding the truth.

I realised however (thanks to an article in the Guardian) that this addiction was not a victimless crime and like most porn addicts I was bloody sick of the image I saw in the mirror which I felt was dirty and unclean. So I resolved to quit. Its been hard to do it (as a 40 something with a 20+ year habit), but I am managing and I am feeling a hell of a lot better about myself. More importantly i am feeling more for my fiancee and I am feeling more in tne with her needs physically. Because I'm not coming on my own, I'm more able to figure when she will want sex (because funnily enough its now about the same time as me) and when we do, its better because I am thinking more of her and on a selfish level, the final porn-free kick is much better.

As for your partner, its natural unfortunatley that after some time you feel less for a person physically and if you have the porn to run off to, I think that exacerbates things. You need deeper emotions and a greater appreciation of the fact that a living breathing human being loves you for you and that they are not photoshopped and they are not being paid to do so. He needs to realise the harm his porn addiction is doing to him (and you) and how its warping his outlook on life. The crap he looks at is not normal and just because its there it does not mean "everyone is looking at it", they're not.

As for how you reacted, I think its admirable that you were calm and tried to talk it through. However, I think that might make him think that its "alright and normal then". My partner once mentioned having never seen porn and wondered if I had any. I actually didnt (I looked at images and short video clips of soft stuff), but tried to find something for us to watch. That made me feel that as she wanted to look at porn (or at least said she did), that it was alright for me to. I've since looked back and realised that she was probably aware I had this habit and was trying to understand it and trying to make it inclusive with her. I've not asked her and I've not told her I've quit. My quitting is for her (and me). I done need to tell her, I just need to feel good myself (and trust me I feel good having quit).

Oh and you "can" get pop up screens appearing all over when you are looking at porn sites. Usually these are red coloured and have various videos playing on a loop of someone proffessing to be in your area (they get that from cookies on your hard drive) and offering you the chance to chat to them if you click on the video or link. That might have been what you saw. If it was a live chat (they have the woman in the centre left, with msg bar at the right sowing what others are saying and an area at the bottom for you to write in ), then that isnt something that just pops up. At least in 20+ years of looking, I never had a live chat pop up on my PC.To get live chat, you have to go to a site offering it and then pick someone to view. Often this is time limited, or you have to pay to see more than them taking off their top. Always struck me as a mugs game... but then I was a mug doing what I did. By the way, the webcams tend to be one way and the viewer does not usually show themself, though I have seen sites where people do.

So, try and get him to look at this site and to understand the harm its doing to you and to him and in some cases to those he is watching (as often those people in the chat rooms are being forced to be there). Then explain to him how its making you feel and that you are not alright with it and you do not think he can love you and continue to look at that filth. Tell him it has to stop and he has a choice between it and you, that you are not sharing your relationship with a thousand others.

You can help him quit by installing some software called OpenDNS or Net nanny or soemthign like that. If he knows you can see where he's been then he cannot hide it. You dont want to get into a stuation where you are suspecting and not trusting and thinking "has he been looking at it" and then finding the traces on his hard drive.

Thanks for your post. I am sorry this is happening to you, really sorry. I read over your post a number of times because had I not quit, then what you wrote could have been easily written by my partner... though she doesnt work nights and she never caught me.

Anyway, its late (I was woken by a neighbour) and I dont want her thinking I am sat downstairs looking at porn. I think that trying to tell her that I was trying to help someone whose partner was a porn addict wouldnt really be believable!!! Maybe one day i'll tell her i finally managed to quit porn for her, but for now its a secret I am happy to keep hidden inside and it makes me smile when I look at her face and in her eyes and I know what I was and what i've become.

Take care and remember however old you are, you deserve love and affection and that porn is not normal. Its a damaging addiction.

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Thank you

Submitted by Anonymous on Tue, 09/08/2011 - 16:27

Thank you for that last entry. It has made me feel like there is still some hope for love. Im new to this site I have boyfriend he wont admit he has a problem but I feel it through my whole body, mind and heart he does. I want to help him so bad I really would love things to work out for us. But at this moment Im questioning everything. Ive become frustrated and paranoid and cant take it anymore. I know he's using the Inprivate browser to hide it. That confrims even more that he knows he has a problem but is in denial. My self esteem is at a 2 or lower at sometimes of the day. I worry all day that Im not good enough for him and that everytime we have sex he is thinking about someone else. Im in an arguement with myself all day. He saids its no big deal and Im not a chellange to him anymore plus he blames the lack of sex he had before me and his weight gain. Im sad to say that all I hear is excuses he makes up to make it ok. Its not ok Im not ok with it. I feel like i need to have him make a choice but it falls down to not having any proof but that I feel it. Im ready to call it quits but i do love him so much also if he would just get some help maybe things will be ok. It also sux to know that the age difference between us he should be wanting me alot more. I would love a sign from God What do I do? I work hard for us I try things he likes and really try to support him and encourage him but maybe Im just not enough for the man. All I would like is for him to truely only see me to know that right in front of him stands a strong and loving woman who needs his love, His affection, his support and a family. And he cant if his focus is porn. I see it if hes not ready and porn is truly what makes him happy then go do that and leave me and my family out of it. Well Thanks for letting me vent I went on and on but Im truly hurt and tired of being someone second best. ( hes my addiction) :(

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Sooo... you are dating an

Submitted by Nomad on Fri, 19/08/2011 - 13:10

Sooo... you are dating an older, fat guy who doesnt want sex with you and who is possibly hiding a porn addiction from you? This is making you feel really bad about yourself and like the problem is with you?

I'd suggest that you leave the guy personally, but that is just me. It sounds like you could do better and you could find someone you love even more who loves you as much in return. Life is too short to be in a miserable relationship with someone who doesnt make you feel good about yourself.

As for the need for proof, you can install a key logger (google it) and it will tell you if he is quite quickly or install a filter like opendns which will block access to porn. If he has a problem with a filter being in place that just blocks porn then that would suggest he is looking. Another thing you "could" do is "accidentally" spill a coffee (sugary one is best as it gums up the circuit board) over his computer. None of us need one at home (unless its our office) and we all managed before they turned up.

Anyway, it "could" be that he isnt looking, but if thats the case (and I think women's intuition is a great thing), then you are still stuck with a guy who doesnt want sex with you and who isnt giving you the love that you want.

Whatever the reason for this, there is no reason for you to put up with it. Do what I did and quit your addiction. Hopefully you will feel like I do, much better about yourself and hopefully you will meet a much more virile and dedicated man... who might also be loaded, a great cook and god knows what else.

Basically, move on and you will find another guy and you will love again. In my experience age differences (especially large ones) do not work as the older person gets less and less interested in sex as the years go by and they slow down more. I've seen quite a few realtionships like this fail because of this.

I hope you find happiness in the future and I hope your partner realises the cause of your unhappiness so that if nothing else, he can try harder next time... as it doesnt sound (though there are obviosuly 2 sides to everything) that he is trying all that hard right now.

Take care and dont put up with things. Its your life.

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Thank you Nomad

Submitted by Simone on Thu, 13/10/2011 - 01:08

@ Nomad. Your post of 02:33am was the most insightful and strangely comforting I have read yet. As a partner who has struggled with my partner's habit for some years now, a large part of that in denial myself. Thank you for your input.

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