Just when I thought we were out of the woods...
I really thought my husband had conquered his addiction. I had posted in December about his ridiculous visit to a therapist who told him she didn't think he was an addict, even though he was jerking off to porn at least 5 days a week and we weren't having sex, and we were going to find a specialist whom we could both go to, but then the holidays got in the way, and then everything seemed fine, and so we didn't. And I have been struggling this whole time to deal with my trust issues, since there were so many times that he lied to me about using porn and jerking off. And Jason had warned me that there was probably a rocky road ahead, and there might be setbacks. But things have been good. And then I got that feeling that he was using again. And we had a confrontation last night, and he admitted he had been, but only once in the last four months, and even then only for 20 minutes before he felt bad and stopped, and didn't jerk off. So I am supposed to believe that, a) he's only viewed porn once since our big December blowout; b) it was only for 20 minutes; and c) he felt so bad and was thinking of me and so he stopped. I feel like a fool. Again. And I had told him in December that if it happened again, I would leave. And now I have to keep my word. Neither of us is in a place financially to keep our house by ourselves, and I frankly have no where to go, having left my home town to buy a house, so I am moving into our attic space until I can figure out what to do. I feel like I will never trust again.
It's ironic that I had recently thought of posting a message to all of the partners here that there is hope, it gets better, we got through it and you can, too. Glad I didn't give false hope to anyone.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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Done
I understand how you feel as the rest of us do. You're strong, believe in yourself if all else fails. I always trusted myself and intuition and it never let me down. It will and does get better.
Start from his intentions
Hi Done,
I replied to one of your other posts and I wonder if I've got the chronology right - it looks like this is the most recent and that after another relapse you're wondering if your husband will ever get over his porn obsession.
There's no doubt in my mind that it can be done and I don't think you should give up when he's still claiming to want to stop and still appearing to be prepared to go along with the counselling etc.
However there is a big problem whilst he isn't being open with you.
Let's start from the beginning. Does he want to change? If so, what does he want to change? Whilst you can help him understand all the reasons why you want him to change, in the end, it's his call. Once he's communicated honestly what he intends to do, the two of you can then work together but both sides need to give. He needs to agree to be completely open with you regarding relapse and you need to accept that relapse may happen. When it does, it's not 'back to square one'. Instead, it's a new opportunity to learn something about his triggers. If you criticise his relapse or if either of you consider it to be a 'failure' then his habit will take that message as "I give up, I can't do this".
A partner can handle relapse when it's open (i.e. when he comes to you and says "I'm sorry, I looked at porn again last night"), by saying something like “ok honey, thanks for letting me know. We thought this might happen a few times but the good news is that you had four really strong weeks. This shows that you don’t need it and perhaps you can think about why you slipped up this time. I’m really proud of you.”
Providing he is committed to change, you can help in all sorts of practical ways. For instance, encourage him to record his triggers in a recovery diary. You'll both learn so much from this. If his strongest triggers are when he goes to the study to work, then look for ways of bringing the computer into a more communal area. Or perhaps if he dreads being alone, you can help him find alternative activities.
It's really important to acknowledge that the foundation for you guys is pretty much in place - he's admitted he has a problem, he's agreed to take corrective steps. There is a problem to fix with openness and I think you can say to him something like "I am really pleased that you're trying so hard to beat this. But my trust has been damaged and if we're to work together on this, I need you to be open if you mess up. I need to know as soon as possible if it happens. I might be upset but it's the only way we'll rebuild the damaged trust."
Good luck with this.
Thank you, Nathan
I truly appreciate your reply. I know he is committed to trying to fix this, and he has another appointment with the therapist this week. He has a friend who had sent him some books on recovery when we had our initial blowout in December, and he is reading them again, after saying he couldn't keep reading them because he couldn't identify with them ( there was a lot about pedophiles and voyeurs that he apparently just couldn't relate to.) But he is going to try. He had said in our therapy session last night that regardless of the outcome of our relationship (meaning whether I leave him or not), he knows that he has to fix this for himself. This, of course, I kind of took offense at, because I would like to think that at least part of the reason for fixing this would be to save our relationship, and that statement just seemed all about him again, just like his masturbation. I appreciate what you said about talking to him about being honest about setbacks, because I know he will not be honest with me about a setback if he thinks I am just going to go off on him about it, so I plan to have a frank conversation about that with him.
I have always been generous to a fault with my trust and my emotions, and so it is difficult for me to understand how my partner in life could be so reckless and and disrespectful with my trust. I will be seeing a therapist myself to find out how to gain back my trust of people in general and how to restore anything that is left of my self-esteem.
Thank you again, Nathan, for giving my your knowledge and a little bit of hope.
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