Porn addicts: just feeling depressed and powerless with life
“Ladies, porn is not a replacement for the relationship or for the sex and, if it does start taking over, that’s when it becomes a problem. But for the majority of us guys, it’s just something we do whether you like it or not. So don’t bother challenging it … ”
That’s the ‘typical guy’ quote from yesterday’s Ask Sam column in The Syndney Morning Herald.
Psychotherapist Dr Robi Ludwig adds “I think all men look at porn,” she says. “Some men are more addicted and obsessed than others, but I think some men look at porn. So what?”
Potentially answering her own question, she continues:
“It somehow hits the pleasure spot in their brain,” she tells me. “They identify with the male protagonist and it allows them to feel powerful and important. I think also these women are sexual objects and they get to play out fantasies in their brain that they wouldn’t get to play out with real-life women.”
“For most men they watch it and then they move on,” Ludwig says. “It’s the people who are more addicted that have a hard time enjoying sexual relationships with real women. They have the problem because they’re comparing the real women to women in pornography.”
So what’s Ludwig’s message for concerned partners?
“If your partner is a good partner to you and meeting your needs emotionally and physically, don’t make it such a big deal. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. But if you really feel that you are losing your partner and they are spending a lot of dollars and time on porn sites then that is reason to be concerned. And it’s usually not personal. It has nothing to do with the woman herself. The man is just feeling depressed and powerless with life.”
It’s a problem because I experience that the ongoing compulsive behavior takes away from the quality in my life. I feel that it keeps me away from living a fully and emotionally rich life. I feel that it takes away from the depth of my spiritual experience and full power. I feel that it keeps me froom ever enjoying true deep and intimate relationships.
It also has a tendency to distract me from important things that I am interested. in. It has caused me to enjoy isolating myself in my cave, often living in a stupor induced by drinking, weed, and porn.
Hi,
No.1 I think the reaction of most men to porn IS actually quite different from that of woman.
No.2 I personally don’t think there really is a “safe level” of using porn, its more like a kind of spectrum of use of porn based on the persons (mans) unmet emotional needs, & based on sexual fantasies.
No.3 I think the obsessional neurotic compulsion driven use of porn, when the porn habit has a hold of the person is problematic and it has a type of numbing effect, it acts almost as a form of emotional anesthetic.
No.4 YES! I can confirm that my porn use pattern which was obsessional by nature did leave me feeling VERY dis-empowered, made me feel my life was meaningless & pointless, it DID DEFINITELY leave me feeling very down & very depressed. Stopping using porn has brought me round from the anesthetic effect and I am starting to feel & experience life in full color once again. Like the sun came back out from behind a big black cloud.
No.5 To me, using porn obsessionally became like self torture, a kind of self harming, I don’t know but perhaps almost like cutting yourself with a knife but in the end I couldn’t work out why I was doing this to myself. The ONLY reason I could find was because I felt so unloved & unlovable, porn can make you feel very despairing if you allow it too. Now I am learning slowly to love myself once again.
Alan.
My husband has been addicted to internet p*rn for years. Eventually after lots of marriage counselling, going to church etc. he agreed to stop.
Now he is impossible to live with and love. He is cold, harsh, self-centered and very sensitive. He critisizes almost everything I do, he sees almost every thing I say, or request I make as me not ‘approving’ of him. I can not have a conversation with him, then he will feel hurt. I do not know what to do anymore. I love him and do not want to leave, but this is no marriage, no relationship. Everything evolves around his feelings of rejection. Will he ever heal of the long term effect?
Give your husband time and be glad he admitted to his addiction. I recently realized that I was an addict to internet porn and it is VERY hard to move on. I prayed for a year for help because I could not stop myself. I would have leg pains, my balls would hurt, I would get headaches, and constantly felt useless, down, ugly, and worthless. It was not until I stopped porn and masturbation for two weeks that I realized “whoa” there is another side of life I was missing. I started feeling arousal to normal women, and smiled more. I relapsed several times since and after each time I realized more and more how horrible a person I was and how porn is plain trashy. I can say for an addict like me, there is no casual porn viewing–its either all or nothing. In this case the nothing is hopefully a good life so it reallly is something. Depending how deep someone is in with porn, it make take several months to a year for them to completely recover. Plus, most research believes it takes at least 1-2 years for a porn addicts dopamine leves to recover completely. I can tell you this Isolated, the worst thing you can do is to make your husband feel shameful. Shame causes the porn trap cycle to start all over again: masturbate, shame, feel bad for doing it and masturbate again to feel good. NOW, if your husband does not want to stop and you want him to stop then you have a greater problem. I could not, nor can your husband, fully recover until he realizes he has to stop because he wants to. If I were him, I would take a women who loves me any day over porn. My addiction destroyed my life for years and its hard picking up the pieces to start again. Love your husband, but dont be so nice that he knows if he starts again you will stay with him.
So many activities in life are about getting connected with the heart and soul of who you are. This isn’t just religion, per say, but yoga, dieting, music- there are many elements of life that help people to become comfortable with who they are and grow as an individual. Discipline in the field of self-understanding is a place many people do not go, and I think vices, such as pornography, are the exact thing a man does not need to be a “man.” No wonder men are depressed- many men have not come to terms with their insides; they cannot meet the expectations they set of themselves, so they allow another man on a computer screen to do it for them. Being a man with high experience with pornography, and a man that is also striving to build my character and understand who am I, it is clear to me that pornography is a detrimental aspect of life that does nothing more than play on the insecurities of the human soul. The industry of pornography is no better than the industry of fast-food: delivering a cheap, convenient product to those who don’t have the time to actual nurture their bodies with wholesome meals. Opinionated but true, pornography does nothing for you when it comes down to living life. It reeks havoc and acts as a catalyst to the emotional, adventure-less lifestyle many men are leading.
If you want to be the man you’ve always wanted to be, it’s hard, no doubt. But you can. And it starts with standing up against what brings you down- pornography.
Ok to start off fast.
I have been with my partner for a few years now. He LOVES porn & I on the other hand now repulse it because of his constant want for it. I dont know what to do. Is it me am I not what he wants? He is on porn sites when im asleep and when im at work being as he doesnt have a job. So when i go to work i stress about what hes doing. Hes on dating sites and all. Its only a matter of time before he cheats I think.
If i say anything he yells at me. What more can I do? Im tired of trying & im sick of stressing and being down on myself for his issues.
Heyyy I found best cure. I notice a lot of people managed to stop porn for week then fail. I haven’t watched porn since Jan! Now is June that is almost 7 months! Seek Jesus Christ and He will help you! He helped me! Don’t get me wrong, my addiction is still there and still hunger for porn. It is struggle but 7 months! I grew up w porn since I was young kid. It is very hard for me. Just believe in Jesus!
`I really, really need a prayer`….. (this is a mail I wrote to Shelly Lubben – a former porn star who found her way out of the industry – through Jesus Christ. I myself am a Christian, and so is my boyfriend – no fanatics in anyway, – we say a prayer every now and then, and we both believe that the good always wins in the end. We believe in God and Jesus and are just regular people doing the best with what we have. I read the Bible and I find myself having conversations with God quite often, something I like to do – it gives me strength and joy – to know that even if I am going through a hard time, I am never alone – God is there.)
Here are the link to the site, if you would like to see what Shelly and her team does for people. http://www.thepinkcross.org/
Take care you all. And God bless!
Dear Shelly.
I am writing to you because I really need a prayer. My BF is using porn, and I told him in a calm non-blaming way, that it really upset me, that I felt less special and so on. I also told him that I again had gotten problems with Vestibulitis – I am in more or less constant pain because of it (I know that this diagnose can come if you are having some sort of a problem that is mentally/emotionally related to sex, and I have not had that problem with him before, until I a while ago found out about his porn-stuff) and I am also struggling with constant images coming into my head, of him and his porn-stuff.
) that it was an online game, where u have cybersex with other Characters. It is kinda like second life – cept it`s all about sex/porn – creating and living out fantasies. What hurts me the most, is that he this way will interact with other people – even if it is `just characters` – in my eyes that is not something you do, when you are in a relationship – and you do -not- lie about it, saying that `oh porngames is the most searched for word starting with the letter `p`. I wanna trust him, but honestly I have a problem with that right now…When I first discovered the porn-issue, I was upset, and then I prayed and told God that I would deal with this problem in His way. Then God helped me to say the right words, at the right time. I was thrilled, only to discover that my BF is still using (some kind) of porn. My thought now is to have faith in God, and keep praying for my BF, that he will find it in his heart -to stay away- from porn once and for all. – I think that a good reason for that, is the fact that him using porn -really hurts me. It is not as simple as an jealousy issue – it is about him respecting my feelings because he loves me. When you love someone, you respect them. Nobody is perfect, and we all make mistakes – but when I let people know that they have said or done something that hurt me, I expect them to apologize and not do it again. Just like I would not do to them, what I did, if it in some way has hurt their feelings. And the one you are sharing your life with, should respect that when you tell that person that something he or she does, hurts you, then he or she should not do it again. And if, – if- it is so that my bf has some sort of an problem/addiction towards porn, then I think he should be honest and tell me (even though I suppose that is a difficult thing to come clean with) that he has a problem with it. I would love him just as much, respect him just as much, and I would want to help him get help for it. At the end of the day, this porn-thing has made me feel sad, it has given me problems focusing on things and it has given me a physical pain called Vestibulitis – that I haven`t had any problems with, in the past three years. -Please pray for me, and for my bf, I am in deep pain….
He told me that he would keep it in mind, cause he didn`t wanna upset me, or hurt me in any way. I know that, that is not what he wants, and the conversation we had about the porn-thing was calm and it felt good to tell him how I felt. I told him how I had a really hard time focusing on everything from my job to other things. He felt bad about it, and again I told him that I would not judge him, or put any kind of blame on him. I love him with all of my heart, and I know he loves me with all of his heart. This conversation found place six days ago, and two days ago we were sitting in front of his PC just seeing if there was anything interesting to look at, and he started searching with the letter `P` and the first thing that came up in the window was; `Porngames`. He quickly said that `porngames` was the most searched for word that stared with the letter `P`, and I got a weird feeling in my stomach…And my stomach feeling was right. He had searched for `porngames` and found a game called `3D sexvilla`. Then he downloaded it. And I did some research on the game, and found out (which mad me really sad
Kind regards N.
Ps: If anyone feel the way I do about the subject, then it would be great if you would write a few lines in here, and tell about how you for an example have dealt with the problem.