Driven to porn addiction by a sexless marriage?

When I'm talking with a woman who is worried about her partner's obsession with porn, I usually remind her that his activities are not a direct reaction to her or the relationship. Porn addiction just doesn't work like that.

So what about stories like this, featured in The Daily Star newspaper this week?

Every time I dare to instigate sex, she firmly pushes me away. She claims that she’s tired, ill, or simply “not in the mood”.

As a result of her rejection of me, I’ve turned to porn. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s the only thing that gives me the sexual release I need. If my wife would only give me the love and affection I crave, then I wouldn’t need to look at other women.

I agree with agony aunt Jane's reply - there are multiple issues here.

In our demanding and stressful lives,  masturbation to porn can provide a quick fix of sexual release. And that's not necessarily a problem; many couples allow for this in a private space, outside of their shared intimacy but still within the terms of their relationship.

Porn is  a problem when it becomes a substitute for sexual intimacy or a secret activity. This could occur for any number of reasons, including conflicting levels of sexual desire, one partner's specific sexual needs or just plain selfishness. A partner might feel traumatised or neglected by the other partner's interest in porn, feeling that the exclusivity of the relationship is under threat. This is a compatibility problem that needs to be openly discussed and worked through for the relationship to prosper.

But at this point, we're still not talking about porn addiction. Now let's consider a further comment from the husband in the story above:

I tell myself that I’ll only have 15 minutes (of tame stuff) online, but I always end up staying on much longer and invariably view material that turns my stomach.

Now this indicates a compulsive behaviour, and he clearly recognises that his sexual release with porn is out of control. His wife's unwillingness to have sex is undoubtedly a factor in all of this, but I'm not so sure it's the cause. So as Jane's answer suggests, the problems are two-fold.

He might be advised to explore possible issues of insecurity, low self-esteem and profound guilt over wanting sex. His wife is likely to benefit from discussing her sexual avoidance and any traumatic experiences from her past. Some counselling would assist on both fronts, individually and as a couple. Above all, this couple needs to get talking about each other's sexual expectations for this partnership.

The key objective is to untangle the various issues, and address them one step at a time. In so many of these scenarios, my hunch is that the sexless marriage is the result rather than the cause.

The Daily Star article can be read here