I'm fine with porn, but my fiance seems to prefer it over me. Why does he lie? - JM's story
My soon to be husband and I met online. We dated for about 6 months then moved in together. We only saw each other a few days a week due to work when we dated. When we moved in together we saw each other daily but it was usually for a few hours due to conflicting work schedules.
I asked him once if he watched porn and he said he didn't. I believed him. I told my friend this and she laughed at me. So, I asked him another time if he did and he also said no. He even asked me why I watched it when I told him I did. He always lied about it.
I used his computer once and sites pre populated on the screen. I was livid. Naturally I snooped. Holy Jesus, the amounts of porn watched was just ridiculous. I never told him about this because I feel that snooping is wrong. I never would have snooped if I hadn't seen the stuff pre populated.
Anyway, our sex life started to diminish. I knew he was watching it daily before work and of course all day while I was working. He looked at it while I was in the shower, when I took the dog out, when I was sleeping.
I asked people about it and they said I was making a big deal out of it. I didn't initially care that he watched it it was the lying that was getting to me. But then it started to bother me. Oh, you're too tired for sex with me but you can jerk it several times a day?
I'd come home from work and want to be intimate and he'd be like oh I am out of it today. Because he had been jerking off all day. So, I would be insulted. Mind you I never told him I knew he was lying to me.
Finally one day I was like dude, look. I know you lied to be about the porn, I used your computer.... he was embarrassed and he said he thought I'd be mad or accuse him of stuff or whatever. I said, you know I watch it too, why did you still lie? Even when I admitted to him I watched it he still lied.
That was way over a year ago. Since then we have watched it together, he has opened up about what he likes and watches. He has a membership to a rental site and there are days he looks at that site for what to rent for hours. These are days we are off together. Constantly on this site. His queue filled up fast and the wishlist is close to 500 movies. So, as you can see I am ok with porn.
I seem to have a love/hate relationship with this. I do like porn myself and I know he loves it. I feel like he'd rather be having fun alone than with me. I am a very open woman, I am very sexually adventurous. We do loads of dirty things. Our sex life is just not what I want it to be. I am lucky if I get it once a week. Sometimes we don't do it for a few weeks.
Do you think he is addicted? Am I making a big deal of this? I haven't said to him.... hey I feel like you have a real problem. He gets upset with me when I say we don't have enough sex cause he had had that issue with an ex and it really drove him to leave her. However, he didn't have a computer when he dated her and I don't think porn was an issue in that relationship.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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You're not making a big deal
Hi JM,
Thank you for sharing your experience here. Some of the behaviours that you mention would suggest that your boyfriend is using porn compulsively. Denial, lies and the sheer amount of time invested are all typical signs.
Of course, this is also problematic behaviour when it becomes a substitute for sex and intimacy, and leads to him playing avoidance games and you having to take the porn detective role. As you say, it's frustrating, insulting and not what you want in any relationship.
He's fortunate to have such an understanding girlfriend, and it does sound as if you have both made progress in opening the issue up for discussion. Sharing the interest and watching porn together can help, yet at the same time it risks showing him a green light to take you for granted and continue playing the addiction game. It presents a difficult balance for partners.
So the problem continues, and I wonder whether his habit is a coping or escape mechanism that he just can't seem to let go. There may well have been a time when viewing porn provided him with relief from uncomfortable feelings, such as guilt, shame or awkwardness about sex. He might not need the release any more, but the mechanism is still deeply ingrained behaviour. There's clearly some carry-over hangup that affected his previous relationship too.
If he can acknowledge the fact that his obsession works against your relationship, and that some changes would benefit you both, it might be useful for him to explore the origins of his porn habit though some counselling. This doesn't mean weeks of psychoanalysis or attending addiction clinics; just a little exploration and insight can make a big difference. I get the impression that you'd be willing to work together with him on this, and again, he's very fortunate to have that support option.
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