I watch porn to prove I’m not gay

Submitted by notthatinnocent on Mon, 16/05/2011 - 06:36

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Hello. Where do I start? I thought this would be easy, just pouring my despair out for the first time to others who may understand my pain. But the shame is so strong even though I am confident (from reading all the other stories here) that after years and years of turmoil I’ve found I’m not entirely alone.

I have recently turned 30, male, and have come to realise that I have a problem with porn. I look at it ‘too much’ which I define as ‘every opportunity I get’. For instance, my girfriend spent yesterday with her friend. I had a long list of things that I genuinely intended on doing, but from the moment the door closed to the moment she stepped back in, I was transfixed to the PC.

The routine is the same – “I’ll get it out of my system, give myself 20 minutes of great masturbation, then get on with my day”. And initially it goes to plan….the freedom of being able to look at what I like and be noisy if I like. My orgasms are twice as powerful as when we make love. At least, the first time. But I just can’t stop. I start to do other things and within 20 minutes I’m back online again. The main thought I have seems to be “this is your last opportunity”. I’m into webcams at the moment which have their own unique addictive quality. Because it’s live I tend to feel that I have to act more quickly.

So yesterday I must have masturbated six times in as many hours and when my girfriend returned I was in the middle of my seventh. She didn’t catch me, but I was really angry inside – she didn’t text to give me warning she was coming back like usual.

I’ve started thinking about how this all got started. I was definitely attracted to girls and women as a pre-teen; mother’s underwear catalogues and father’s photography books being a source of endless fascination (and pre-pubescent masturbation). But it wasn’t until I was about 14 or 15 that I actually saw the detail of female genitals, and only when I touched a girlfriend’s pussy at age 16 that I realised how much I disliked them. In fact, I would say I was disgusted.

I realise that porn today features mainly shaved genitals but when I was growing up, hair was definitely ‘in’ and it rather disguised the reality ‘down there’.

My feeling of revulsion was so strong that I ended my relationship with above mentioned 16yo girlfriend (despite absolutely adoring her) and put it down to the conclusion that I must be gay.

Now, this wasn’t my only reason. Growing up I’d been a ‘sensitive’ boy, unaggressive unlike the more popular guys and often with a feeling that I was a bit different. I remember trying to kiss an uncle around 12 years old and then catching a conversation between my mother and grandmother along the lines of “do you think he’s gay?”.

I also was attracted to music and screen icons who promoted a pro-sexuality message and I felt that they were like me.

Sorry, I’m going on a bit!

Back to porn. I realise now that I made a conscious decision around age 16 or 17 to use porn to ‘train’ myself to be attracted to female genitals. This wasn’t difficult – I would find nude women attractive providing the details weren’t shown which meant that a lot of photos and videos were ok. I could get myself to the point of orgasm, then change to an image of the aforementioned ‘detail’ as if to tell my brain “look, these make you cum”.

I also had this (crazy?) idea that my girlfriend would be pleased to ‘catch me’ looking at straight porn to offset any suspicions she had I was gay. She hasn’t caught me ‘as such’, however she’s made it clear that she has no issues with me looking at porn.

And finally to our bedroom. Of course it’s affected by my porn viewing. I am rarely interested in sex with her due to tiredness or having already masturbated. It’s difficult for me to get aroused with her if I’ve already had a couple of orgasms earlier in the day. When we make love I tend to try to imagine the porn I’ve been watching to help finish faster. I am also a dreadful lover, always accepting of oral sex but giving it turns my stomach (perhaps for obvious reasons, see above).

But despite all of this, I wouldn’t say I am gay. The thought of having sex with a man terrifies me. The ‘detail’ there is also difficult for me to consider and I note that I’ve never looked at gay porn. I would say that I am actually afraid of looking at it in case I get drawn in.

Sorry for writing so much – it helped to get it out for the first time.

hey notthatinnocent. welcome and good post man.

how about the beach test: when you're sitting on the beach, who do you check out - the girls or the guys? if its the girls, you are straight. now you might be a straight guy who does not dig the reality of female genitals (the 'aroma', sticky out bits, weird juices and all) but that doesnt make you any less straight. i'll bet that most of us guys feel the same sometimes. porn serves up sex without the aromas and weird juices, like an airbrushed kind of fantasy world. apart from those gross 'ass gape' images... how anyone can be into that ill never know...

my guess is that an expert would say learn to love your girlfriend, warts and all. the girls have to put up with our hairy arses and im sure a lot of male genitals dont look that great. so you need to look beyond her sexual bits and connect at a deeper level etc. you know all that.

now i believe what you say about these reasons for looking at porn, but whats really going on? "this is my last opportunity" you say. sounds like a big clue there. my last opportunity to look at porn alone, without shame, like i always have done. how about a change? could you look at porn with her, as you say she doesnt mind the idea?

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Have to admit a lot of female genitals do nothing for me either. I'm not in the least bit gay, just dont like them too much. Some dont look nice, some dont smell nice and some dont taste nice. As Kiriel said, I figure women think the same about us and we are all different. what turns me off turns others on.

Oh and gay porn - being straight - I have seen it (briefly) and it disgusted me. I didnt turn gay or anything like that I was repulsed. So dont expect you'd be into it yourself either. I cant get into hard core porn for the same reason that seeing a guy's dick close up going in and out of a woman does nothing at all for me and actually turns me off.

As kiriel said, stop looking at porn (full stop if you can) and if not watch it with your g/f. My partner has mentioned watching porn and that she's never seen any. One day I'll probably get some to watch together. For now however, I've more or less given up on porn (and its surprisingly easy to do once you get your head in the right space and get over a month of "free time" under your belt).

Since quitting porn, I have felt a lot better about myself and more importantly about my partner. If you stop, you will be better at sex and you will enjoy it more. You will come easier and you will appreciate your g/f's body more (and compare it less to the crap you are watching). You will get a deeper appreciation of her form and what more she has to offer. As you realise that she is reality and who you are with and you forget all the other make believe filth, you will feel more for her. You might even find you like her genitals... or you at least get curious about what they look like as you are no longer looking at other stuff.

So try quitting. Its why you are her. It will be hard the first couple of weeks, but after that it gets easier and the longer you are off, the easier it gets and the better you feel about yourself and the more used you are to being "normal" and not watching porn every spare minute.

I'm on my own at the moment and will be until Friday. I've no interest in looking at porn or masturbating. If I do masturbate (I still do to releive stress now and then - about 5 times in the last month), then it will be short and it will dwell mentally on my partner or maybe a previous partner, but I dont think about porn. I've been to lap dancing places and I have to admit that I've never been turned on when I've thought back to the people in the place. They are doing it for money or some other gain, not for me... unlike my partner.

Anyway, goodluck and consider OpenDNS (which I find VERY good) and consider leaving your computer off. If its off (or you've thrown out the video lead for a couple of weeks) then you are not watching porn. Avoid turning it on and you avoid any chance of porn.

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You should just be honest with her. She will love you no matter what and chances are she doesn't think you are all that great looking. Women don't LOVE the way a guys dick looks they love him and no matter what equipment he has or what he does or doesn't like to look at. You need to let her free if thats how you feel or at least give her the chance to decide. You are ruining her life if you continue this behavior with out being honest with her and yourself! I mean it from a wife of a porn addict that is probably also attracted to men.I love my husband if he only likes my boobs and he likes me more in underwear I would do that for him!! Trust me

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