I feel like the husband I knew has slowly died - Rachel's story

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 11/11/2010 - 08:06

Anonymous's picture

I have just discovered my husband's 20 year secret porn addiction. We have been married for five years and through him mistakenly leaving a hidden email address in the hotmail log in bar - i was able to enter a world that i thought he would never be capable of wandering into. Our marriage has been gradually sex deprived over the time we have been together - a form of sexual anorexia which i had blamed for a chronic pain condition he has, along with the side effect of some of his medication.

He has over the years been close to being found out by my innocent comments and each time has chosen to deny any involvement. The tipping point happened when i found a love text written to another woman on his mobile phone on the morning of our wedding anniversary. It was saying that he loved her and wished she was there with him. He made excuses but then with the hidden email address, i was able to access the account and found dozens of sites where he is a member. Among them gay porn, transvestites and scat porn sites. I let him know by telephone what i had found and he has refused to come home. He says he wants professional help to enable him to "sort himself out". He is renting a flat in a nearby town, and i have since discovered that he is also addicted to a site called "second life" where he has had a series of "partners". One of the worst parts of this is that he has taken me on "days out" to places where he could check out dogging sites, and has dressed up in my underwear to take pictures of himself in order to send to others. I believe that this is pure fantasy sex and that he has not made physical contact with anyone, preferring to send pictures and talk dirty.

He has not sought the help i have found for him, nor read the books i have got for him which were recommended to me by professionals. He stays in his flat, not making contact unless its to sort out bank details. He tells everyone who will listen that it is nothing to do with anything i have done. When i see him he is either emotionally numb, in floods of tears or obviously on some kind of adrenaline rush. I don't know how to get over this. Its so painful. I wish i knew what to do. He remains in internet contact with his current "partner" on second life and i cant help feeling that he is already long gone. He "left" me emotionally earlier this year. I didn't know why he was increasingly distant but now i do. This new conquest has no idea about his problems, and would probably not stay around if she did know. He refuses to tell anyone in the family that we have separated. Instead he retains the illusion that all is well.

Can anyone help me - should i just give up on him, get therapy, divorce and try to move on with my life?

I feel like the husband i knew has slowly died, but there is no body and no funeral.

I'm soo sorry. :( I know exactly how you feel, my boyfriend and now husband of seven years, joined the military but right before he went I found out he was watching porn in our house, and he said that all "guys" watch porn, I'm not saying I didn't watch it but he knew I did. He never told me he did. Anyway, when he went to his base, and I came to visit him, I found a few videos that I thought were very disturbing. Like a video where the guy... well nevermind that. Anyway, you can't imagine the hurt I felt when I was sitting in his room and he had gone to the bathroom, but when after 20 minutes in the bathroom I knew he was up to something. I snuck up quietly to the bathroom and opened the door only to find him panicking and shoving a magazine under his shirt. :( I was distraught. I've never felt so ugly. I've never been soo hurt. He had promised me that he wouldn't watch porn when I found that out. But of course when I came to visit him a few months later he didn't even bother to hide some of his videos. :( I don't know if I will ever trust him again. And really he has given me no reason. But I'm sorry for what happened to you, I just want you to know that you are not alone. The sense of loss and feeling insufficient.... :( well they don't go away for a long time.

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Hello, I know how you are both feeling as have been through something very similar. The man I loved got more and more obsessed by the things he saw in porn films and seemed to want to drag me into his obsessions. I've watched porn too and was OK to watch it with him but why did he need to get obsessed? we had a good sex life and I always made an effort to please him and stay attractive which I'm sure I did.

I know about that adrenaline rush that porn seems to give men. There were times when my boyfriend seemed so happy with his life and it would all seem good, now I realise that he was excited about a lot of new dvds being delivered and it was nothing to do with me. it hurt me so much.

We tried relate counselling and it helped with a few things but he always went back to porn in the end and I got sick of being his company and support only when he felt he needed it. Sometimes when we talked he would say it was a problem and he wouldnt buy anymore porn but knowing that I couldn't track what he bought in the internet. After 3 years of heartache and feeling used I moved back to my dads and started getting my life back this year. When I see him he wants me back but wont consider anymore counselling or help so its not going to happen. 3 wasted years of our lives. I feel so much for any women going through this.

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Thank you to the contributors for the stories above; anonymous, admitting_the_truth and lisab.

What's immediately apparent from these stories are the stark differences in how these guys have responded to porn; in one case we have denial, in another the guy is a wreck and we are his 'secret keeper' and in another we are part of the porn game and part of his justification.

It's also plain that partners have very different attitudes, sometimes happy to enjoy porn as part of the relationship and other times very upset by any use. It's ok to have any of these attitudes and if we made them clear at the start of the relationship then it's certainly a problem for him to use it - compulsively or otherwise. In many cases however this is not made clear, one partner assumes it's off-limits whilst the other happily uses it in private until discovered. In this case it's unfortunate that the topic hasn't surfaced earlier and here we have something to learn from homosexual relationships where they tend to be much more up front about relationship rules.

If he admits a problem that needs to be addressed then an important milestone is reached and we can try to capitalise on this by then asking him what he thinks needs to be done. All the time we're telling him "you mustn't look at porn again" or "read this book" or "you need therapy" he is disempowered from the process and has a very easy excuse when it goes wrong. However if we start by asking him "what would you like to change?" and "let's start by writing down your objectives", assuming he answers, he has bought in.

There are many reasons why people develop obsessions around porn and often these relate back to core needs such as control and attention. By giving him control of his own success and providing the attention he craves by 'being there', he stands a reasonable chance of success.

For the anonymous original poster, I would be careful of the situation he's created where you are so separated from the behaviour yet he's managed to almost make you responsible by being his secret-keeper. Since he's told you that he wants to change, ask him to create his own objectives and new rules for change. If he continues to break them it may be time for the ultimatum. You need to consider whether or not you're prepared to continue living like this. If not, spell it out straight.

Good luck.

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