Husband is obsessed with ladyboy porn - help
I have been married for almost 4 years to a caring and intelligent man, and we are supposedly trying for a baby. I say supposedly because he often won't go near me and makes excuses not to sleep with me. For 3 nights he has been sleeping in the spare bedroom because he says is back is sore and the spare bed is better for it. I have been genuinely worried about his back and worried I'm putting to much pressure on trying for a baby.
I have always known that he likes oriental looking girls. If he sees one when we are out he can't stop staring. Sometimes I just let him get on with it and other times I try to make a joke so he'll realise. I can't say I like ti but not a huge problem I suppose. A couple of years ago I opened a delivery from Amazon by mistake and found he had ordered some erotic photo books about Tokyo sex scene. When I gave them to him and asked he went red and said he collects erotic photo books. I was suprised he was smuggling them secretly but it wasn't really porn. There were a lot of photos of ladyboys and transexuals.
Yesterday he went to visit his mum and I was working (I work at home). The internet stopped working on my pc so I called him to ask if I could use his work laptop for a few things. He got really awkward and said the battery wasn't charged but I had the power cable so no problem. So he said to use it if I really had to but don't "move my files around". I could tell he sounded anxious and promised I wouldn't.
Even as his laptop was starting up I suddenly asked myself why he was so protective of his work files. I felt like I was snooping but had to have a look. There was a dvd in the drive and what did I find there. Video after video of ladyboy porn. From what I could see it was all white men having sex with ladyboys. There were hundreds and hundreds of video saved on there. Can you believe that my first thought was that one of his work friends must have put the dvd in his laptop as a joke and he probably hasn't even noticed. Then in his laptop bag I found more dvds sealed in the side. I only looked at one of them and it was more transexuals and all oriental.
I know that he catches up with emails in bed and was using the laptop in the spare room these last nights. Now I understand why he didn't want to know me. A lot of things have fallen into place and I feel 100% unloved. We've had our problems (I had major surgery last year) and he hasn't been keen to touch me since. When we have made love lately I have had to plead with him. I thought it was too much pressure for him. Now I know he prefers teenage japanese boys dressed as girls. Am I so ugly and deformed that he would rather sleep in the spare room with his dvds than love me.
He's coming back from his mums tomorrow and I don't want to be here to see him. Part of me doesn't want him to see that I've been crying so much and part of me wants to call him and tell him everything I know. Please help.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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Hi Zara,
I'm sorry to hear about this horrible experience for you. Right now, it's essential to remember that his secret habit, whatever its extent, is not a reaction to you. A lot of husbands of attractive, loving, supportive partners fall into the porn addiction trap. He clearly developed this behaviour long before you came into his life. You are not the problem.
A good next step might be to let him know what you have found, and exactly how you feel about it. Try to be matter-of-fact and avoid accusing or cornering him, tempting as it probably is. If he comes back with "oh it's nothing" or "I've always collected this stuff", make it clear that it makes you feel unloved. You both have to get talking about this, painful as it is.
I hope this is a helpful first pointer, and do feel welcome to share your frustrations and questions here.
It feels really bad
and will for a long time, but it might be helpful for you to know that it won't always be this way. You're NOT looking at a lifetime of that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach. When you emerge from the other side of this mess you'll be amazed at the things you've learned about yourself and how strong you probably are. And besides, you have nowhere to go but forward. Jason's (no doubt) up-coming advice of detachment is not to be ignored... not only will it keep your stress level down, it makes rational thought possible, which will become increasingly important to you (just a guess).
Thank you to Jason and Joan.
Thank you to Jason and Joan. I just want to say how much reading this site is helping me at this time.
Last weekend was was the worst I ever had and I saw a reaction in my husband that made me feel like I don't know him at all. We discussed the ladyboy porn dvds and his laptop and he tried to blame me for looking in his bag. We have never shouted so much, I really tried not to accuse him. Later on Sunday he sulked and cried about all the dvds he's been buying and storing at work so there is a lot more somewhere.
Joan you are right about learning, learning about him and my own naivety. I hate the lies and feel so let down but I know it is better to know now. We might be looking at seeing a counsellor together and I'm waiting for him to agree.
Good luck to you, Zara
and remember that its normal to be suspicious when someone's hiding something from you. You should also be keeping a journal, if you don't already. And always trust your gut, its ONLY agenda is your best interests!
strategy
HI zara, life is always interesting with challenges. Challenges makes us wiser and stronger.
If you love him, you need to be patient. I am one of the victims too as a wife. We are 8 years married and just got our 3rd child.
We are still fighting the same battle of quitting but now with a different fighting spirit. Please go for counselling. It will help you alot to thrash out your feelings cause sometimes sharing with family members don't really help. Our first counsellor was not as good as our 2nd counsellor. So you really need to do a lot of trial and error.
But Firstly, he needs to acknowledge that he is an addict. This first step is very crucial and it will determine your next step.
Zara, read more books on addiction so you are better equipped and know how to strategize.
Be brave my sister,,, you will be in my prayers..There is no easy way to success.. It is a learning process for me and my hubby too. And I've not given up yet.
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