husband finally telling all

My story is alot like some of the other stories on here. I met a man that I knew was the one for me 16 years ago and we both were christians and agreed about the same things. Before we were married we discussed no porn,no drugs,no cheating, I would stay home with kids he would work.

Everything was going well until about 4 years into the marriage when he came to me and told me he had looked at dirty pictures. Well, I was crushed. We fought for a good year over my insecurities about his "one little mistake". he threatened to leave me if I did not learn to trust him so I spent years of writing in my journal, facing my own demons and learning to give him the benefit of the doubt and as time went on there always seemed to be a weird case here and there on the computer and what not.
About 6 years ago he started drinking heavily and smoking pot which was a direct violation of our terms of marriage and I begged him to seek help and figure out why he was having this problem. I told him I would be there for him no matter what. Well, it did not end he just started lying about i. Well the emotional and mental abuse began..the name calling, the hurtful words the cruel insults about my looks ect. He lost his job and I went to work full time and things got worse until my kids all went to school and he got a little better. He still would get very angry if I did not have sex with him and throw the words of the bible at me. he also was very angry after I had sex with..any littl thing ticked him off. I was so confused. I began to hate sex and he began to notice and he blamed me for his lack of desire for me. Well, I came home one day last week and heard him shouting terrible names at my kids and told him enough is enough. Get anger management and therapy help or we are through. He choose to leave.

He has been gone for a week and last night he sent me an email telling me that he has a severe porn addiction and that it runs his life and he has been dealing with it since he was ten. He told me he has good times...but that other than the first 3 years of our marriage he has only gone 174 days clean. in 15 years ..15 years. He claimed that he has not touched another woman and he is telling me that he wants to come home and that he can only come home after I knew the truth. he wants me to keep his secret and he says the days were his anger was the worst was when he wasn't getting it and the days he was happy was only because he hadn't viewed it in 24 hours. I am devastated..all the fights over all my so called "fears" over situations that looked bad and really weren't wrong ...were really wrong

He made me feel like the worst kind of wife for not trusting him and now I feel like I 'despise him" More for his games and lies than the porn. I love him and would have done anything for him including help him with this addiction but I won't and can't handle this kind of deceit. He says he will give me time to think about whether or not I want him back. But he said all these things with his anger problems and drug problems in the past and he never followed thru. I love him but I don't know if I want him to come back. And I can't let him come back until he at least has started working on himself and even then I really don't want to deal with thsi back and forth game anymore.

How can I handle the anger, alcohol and porn addictions. I just can't help but feel like I would be no good to him because I am so tired of it all. I would enable or become the porn police which would make me miserable and I am tired of my family and I being miserable. My kids are having fits that he is gone but they act like kids again...laughing and relaxing at home.

The kicker to this story is this: I was sexually abused for over ten years as a child and the first incident occurred when I was 7 years old and Was forced to watch a porno and look at magazines and do what they did in them. I have had a problem with porn since that time because my first reaction to porn users is that they are going to abuse you and that they are perverts(i am sorry I am just being honest) Now I can think thru my gut feeling and come back out of that emotional haze and see porn for what it is but I don't know if I can ever trust him again because of my back ground. I don't know what to do. I am just so tired!