Husband admitted he's addicted to porn

My heart goes out to you,

Submitted by Done on Fri, 08/04/2011 - 19:40

My heart goes out to you, jasmine. If you can find a therapist who specializes in sex addiction, maybe you both should go. This website has been such a help to me, to know that there are other partners suffering through the same doubt and hurt and shame that I am, and I think this is a wonderful place for you to find support. There is absolutely no one I feel I can talk to about this, so it is very comforting to have this community here. Best of luck to you, and I hope you and your husband can find peace.

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Hi jasmine79 I agree with

Submitted by kat on Fri, 08/04/2011 - 21:54

Hi jasmine79

I agree with Done, some counselling or relationship guidance is a really good suggestion. I had a similar shock with my husband and months later we're still coming to terms with it all, but things are looking better.

Right now, I know how many emotions you must feel - the hurt, betrayal, doubts and yes feeling foolish. It is so important to realise that you are not the cause of any of this. I bet he had this habit long before you came into his life - this is nearly always the case. He probably thought he could deal with it by himself and everything would work out, but the underlying reasons for his habit proved too strong.

Good on him for being honest at last and now its time for him to get to work on his problem. You can be there for him but you can't fix him - he must do this. As other partners on here will tell you, you need your own healing too and this takes time. He needs to understand that you are angry and hurt aswell.

We're not there yet but sometimes now I feel like there's a connection with my husband we never had before. It feels like a horrible secret has finally ended and we are better for it. I hope you can both get there too. Best wishes to you jasmine.

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jasmine79

Submitted by notsotrusting on Sat, 09/04/2011 - 03:01

I understand exactly the emotions you are feeling right now. My pain and feelings of betrayal cut me up inside. Every day I felt like I was struggling and struggling with loving myself, as my boyfriends addiction damaged my self-esteem. I still struggle sadly with finding confidence again, and of course trust. My boyfriend and I have been really working through this for probably a little over a year now, and there have been series of roller coaster rides in our relationship, as well as emotions. Some days it hurt so much I wished I would feel physical pain just to take away the emotional pain, some mornings I didn't want to wake up and go through another day like that. I couldn't and still find it hard to go a day without nagging thoughts and distrust I have with him, but we have been through many hours of serious talks and I know he realizes the extent or his addiction and the damage it caused. I know how bad he feels about it now. If your man has admitted it to you then that is good, at least he is taking a step with honesty, mine as well as others has or does turn to secrets and lies. I'd say that with patience and knowing how much you love each other, this is something that you two can start to work through layer by layer. Even if you have to go through a number or tearful days. Good luck to both of you :).

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Thank you everyone for your

Submitted by jasmine79 on Sat, 09/04/2011 - 22:29

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I feel like this is the only place where I can talk about this openly. I can't discuss this with my family or friends and it feels good to talk to others who have been in this situation.

His addiction did start before we even met so I kind of understand that it's not me but at the same time it still hurts me deep inside and I feel so betrayed. Some days I'm ok but other days I just break down and cry. We've had serious talks about it and I've told him how much this hurts me and that it will take a long time to get over this. I don't think he'll go to counseling or anything like that, but we are taking it one day at a time and trying to work this out.

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Road to Recovery

Submitted by Nate Baseley on Fri, 15/04/2011 - 08:35

Hi Jasmine,

Thank you for sharing your story with us, and welcome to our forum. Each man or woman, living with a partner with problem porn behaviour, has a unique set of circumstances. Some will have had suspicions for years, perhaps noticing a lack of intimacy, diminishing sex life or unexplained aggression from their partners - perhaps when losing private time or being disturbed at the computer. Others discover the evidence first - shocking internet history records or a porn stash. And others, like yourself, find out first from the partner themselves.

But what's consistent is the impact on our emotions, the sense of perhaps not really knowing the person at all and the inward examination of 'what's wrong with me?' and 'why aren't I satisfying him?'.

The good news is that many people struggle with porn problems and go on to address the issue and live new lives that are either porn-free or address the key issues that enable the restoration of intimacy and trust. And the even better news is that your husband has identified and acknowledged the problem - believe me that for many partners, the battle to get to the point of acknowledgement can take a very long time indeed.

I don't want to labour the point, but what your husband has done will have taken a great deal of courage. He is making you aware of a problem that he will have been struggling with for a long time, and by revealing this weakness to you, he's asking for your love and support.

First, you need to come to terms with what he's telling you. I agree with Done and the posters above that professional therapy (provided they are specialised in sex addiction or compulsive behaviours) will be a good context for this. However you can also try one-to-one discussions with your husband, especially as he has initiated this. Tell him that he has your love and support but that you are hurting and would like to ask him questions to understand the problem. Then go for it - ask him everything that's on your mind. "What porn do you look at?", "How often?", "What is it about that, that you particularly like?", "When did you start?", "When did you realise you had a problem?". Know that this information may hurt you further, but don't criticise him. Instead, thank him for his honesty. It's ok to tell him what hurts you - "it hurts me that you look at other woman in this way, but I appreciate your honesty" or "I don't mind that you look at other woman, but I am very confused that you look at violent porn as it doesn't sound like you - in fact, I'm very upset by that".

The key question however needs to be "What are your goals?". Why is this important? Because it gives you both something to aim towards and to measure. How will you know if he's being successful if you don't know what he's aiming at? So does he intend to be 'porn-free' and if so, by when? Use the SMART criteria for writing objectives to ensure that his goals are constructed in a way that gives him the best chance of success.

There is plenty of help for him. Jason, who runs this forum, has a guide designed for those struggling with porn dependency issues which is worth reading. One of the techniques described in the guide involves recording triggers and then setting about a strategy to introduce replacement behaviours for each one. So if boredom is a trigger for your husband, he learns to play his guitar instead. If his urges are set off by a pretty girl on the weather forecast, he learns to go to another room and have something to eat. You can really help to facilitate this process.

There's lots more that I could say, but the key points I want to make is that (1) you are not alone (2) your husband has done a very brave thing in telling you first which means he's taking responsibility for his problem and (3) there are many people who've completely overcome this and done so quickly, especially with the support of their partners.

Good luck, Jasmine. And welcome again to the forum.

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Thank you Nathan for your

Submitted by jasmine79 on Mon, 18/04/2011 - 21:51

Thank you Nathan for your encouraging words. We have sat down and talked about everything in detail and I've told him to be honest with me about everything, even if he gets another urge or whatever, to just come to me and we will work it out together. I really feel like he does want to change and he wants to kick this addiction and I will do whatever I can to help him and to stand by him. Lately I feel like we've become closer, him admitting this deep dark secret, has somehow changed our relationship for the better. We're able to talk much easier with each other and our intimate relations have been better than ever.
I still get this nagging feeling sometimes if I can fully trust him again in the long run and I'm scared to think of how I will feel if he does come to me one day and tells me he had a slip up (I've read that it does happen sometimes in the beginning)...I just hope I'll be strong enough to help him through this in a positive way.

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