How do I ever trust again?

I'm angry too

Submitted by Zara on Sun, 12/12/2010 - 09:30

Done, I have been in your shoes recently as I discovered my husband's addiction to porn two weekends ago. Our sex life has also dried up and he seemed to deliberately avoid sleeping with me, and when I found all his porn dvds I started to realise why. After some serious arguments he has stopped denying and we are hoping to get a counselling appointment before Christmas.

Please realise that your husband's addiction is not because of anything about you, and he has told you about his long history of using porn. You are not undesirable, it is impossible to compete with his addiction that he has had for years. My husband has been using porn since he was a kid and told me he always labelled it as his hobby or photo collecting. He kidded himself that he could carry on even after getting married because it was just his hobby. He chose to ignore the effect that his precious hobby had on our sex life and says he's ready to be honest about that now.

I have received good advice on here and there are really helpful and knowledgeable people. I feel the anger still today but writing about it and getting advice has helped me keep sane. You will feel very angry and it is probably too early to decide if you can ever trust him again. I don't know about my marriage yet, it could go either way. We are in a similar situation as I am hoping counselling therapy helps. I had to convince my husband to agree to counselling so if your husband has volunteered for it that has to be a good sign.

My thoughts go out to you and I'm here if you want to talk about any of it. Zara

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Hi Done, I'm sorry to hear

Submitted by Jason on Sun, 12/12/2010 - 22:56

Hi Done,

I'm sorry to hear about the anxiety you are experiencing, and to echo Zara's comment, you most certainly aren't alone.

For your relationship to recover from this bombshell, there are two processes: his acceptance and commitment to recovery, and your own healing. One way or another, both have to happen before real trust and intimacy can be restored, and it does take time.

It does sound to me as if your husband has accepted the situation and is making positive efforts to do something about it. If that's the case, slip ups are pretty much inevitable and he needs to stay honest with you and keep seeking support and moving forward. Seeing a therapist sounds like a good idea.

And throughout your healing process, you will most likely go through emotional phases of shock, questioning, hope, attempts at normality, despair. There will be setbacks too, where you'll experience self-doubt and despair even when things start to feel better. These are all natural reactions, and you are welcome to share anything here whenever it might help.

In working towards regaining your trust, he has to display his commitment by action as well as words. If he seeks the help, puts the work in and you begin to notice improvements in your relationship and rapport, that's very positive. It just takes time, and my best wishes go to you both.

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An update

Submitted by Done on Thu, 16/12/2010 - 22:31

My husband went to a therapist yesterday, and I am here to warn you all: if you and/or your husband are going for counseling, find someone experienced in sex/porn addiction. When my husband "misspoke" and told her we were having sex about twice a week (it was really once, if that, and sometimes going weeks without), she said, "That's normal for your age group for busy people," while he was masturbating to porn at least FIVE TIMES A WEEK. Regarding porn, she said, "You're not the only one into it....it's a huge industry, and millions of people spend millions of dollars on it. You've internalized this like you are the only one who views porn." Really? Viewing porn and masturbating as opposed to having a healthy, loving, hot sexual relationship with your wife is fine, you're not the only one who does it???? The topper was, "Well, you don't sound like a sex addict to me..."

I give my husband credit for suggesting that I come in with him and talk to her, because he was sensing that she wasn't getting the intensity of what has been going on, what has been destroying us. And after listening to all of this, I just wept and wept, A) because I had so much hope that this was a step in the right direction, and B) because if his behavior is "normal," then all of my feelings of rejection, betrayal, and deception are not "normal," and I am the one with the problem. I told him I would be happy to go talk to her with him, and I am trying not to pass judgment on someone who only heard one half of the story, but I am fuming at the recklessness of this therapist. My husband is all for trying to find someone else who specializes in sex addiction, and he is convinced he can stop.

Just beware, partners, because I believe that bad advice is worse than no advice at all.

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I'm so sorry to hear about

Submitted by Zara on Fri, 17/12/2010 - 09:51

I'm so sorry to hear about this Done, and it confirms some of my fears about talking to a therapist who won't be able to get what the problem is. Did she offer any advice or answers for you both, or just dismiss everything as normal?

All credit to your husband for not taking a back seat now and staying committed. Thank you so much for letting us other partners know.

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Done, I think your therapist

Submitted by lisab on Sat, 18/12/2010 - 13:41

Done, I think your therapist totally didn't get it and I'm sorry you had to listen to all that. It sounds like your husband tried to be as upfront as he could even if he did downplay the lack of sex (perhaps he's more embarrassed about that than watching all the porn?). It's good that you have found an expert and hopefully will get to see someone who recognises the signs and real issues here. And like Zara said, good that your husband is still on the case and didn't just turn round and say "is today the day I can watch porn then?". I know my ex would have done that with great pleasure.

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So important

Submitted by Jason on Sun, 19/12/2010 - 22:25

Hi Done,

Thanks for sharing this important insight into the approaches of some therapists. I was inspired to blog about it - I hope that's ok!

As Zara and Lisa commented, good on your husband for staying clear on his objective and sticking with it. I hope you are able to find someone who can offer a more constructive way forward.

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It makes me very angry and

Submitted by Anonymous on Wed, 05/01/2011 - 00:13

It makes me very angry and sad when I see what can happen with some supposed professionals. A good therapist can change lives for the better in a big way but a bad one can do so much damage.
It's this that puts me off seeing someone for my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (some of which is porn related). I've read stories of people with POCD and HOCD (neither of which I have, by the way) being told by 'experts' that they are actually paedophiles/gay and it makes my blood boil.
It pays to search for someone with proper credentials and experience in the particular problem.

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He's moving on, it's harder for wives

Submitted by Imogen on Wed, 29/06/2011 - 13:47

Done, my heart breaks for you. I've been (and still am) in the same boat. I'm going to tell you about it but if you can't stand other people's stories, skip to the end -- I've listed six points I learned the hard way, that I hope will help. (Well, at least ONE of them).

Here's my story, in case it helps (I hope it doesn't hurt): On my birthday, early this year, I caught my husband of over 30 years with internet porn on his laptop - but he doesn't have internet. It was all on a memory stick.

When I touched the memory stick, he went berserk and violently assaulted me, which was terrifying in the extreme, it was so out of character for Mr. Cold and Withdrawn. When his burst of rage subsided, I told him to take his memory stick and leave since it was obviously more important to him than I was, and that he was like an addict fighting for his heroin stash. He said later he had a blinding "epiphany" at that moment and all his "contructs blew apart": He saw things as they really were. He was also appalled at having assaulted me. He gave me the stick and said "do what you want with it. I'm done with it."

I spent 24 hours agonizing over whether or not to look at that memory stick. Finally, I decided I had to -- his violent reaction made me fearful there was something awful there, like children. So in the space of a morning my appalled brain took in a memory stick filled with many many thousands of images, photos, videos, "short stories", cartoons and "artwork" saved over a 10-year period, all fastidiously cataloged, categorized and sub-categorized. There were no children, thank god, but everything got worse and worse, ending with horrifically violent and vile pornography... and an entire folder full of faked photos of the teenage actress from our grandchildren's favorite movies, whom he had seen in our home and watched grow up since she was 9 or 10 years old, on screen. Which was so wrong on SO many levels, I'm still unable to get over it.

When he came home, I had a "report" ready for him. I presented the exact number of images in his "collection" plus statistics on the porn industry and porn addiction, which I had discovered when researching for facts -- In porn addiction, the brain is re-hardwired, constantly being flooded with acetylcholine. This changes dopamine and serotonin levels, over prolonged time causing memory loss; inability to concentrate and reason normally; withdrawal from reality; and depression. The person addicted is now actually functioning out of the frontal hippocampus instead of other areas of the brain -- and the hippocampus is responsible for dreams, fantasy, hallucinations: Everything coming from this area lacks empathy and is quickly forgotten. (This is why teenagers often seem to lack empathy - other areas of their brains are less developed and they apparently operate out of the hippocampus a lot, to simplify many studies I ended up reading.)

So when your husband is viewing internet porn regularly, he is in a seriously altered mental state. Which apparently that appalling counselor didn't understand.

There are also 4 or 5 stages of internet porn addiction, according to several authorities:

- "Regular" porn, which soon loses its lustre
- Highly explicit, clinical porn, which also begins to lose effect
- Deviant and/or violent porn is now all that excites them
- Addicts begin to actually act out porn fantasies, in the real world. (The acting out and degree they do it is different for each guy: Whatever their porn fetish or favorite obsession was, they're drawn to act out)

So, to recap, the brain actually (and drastically) desensitizes and the addict has to look at more an more explicit and extreme porn to get the same effect.

When I'd finished that ghastly "collection" and researched porn addiction I prepared a very objective "report" for my husband, using 50 of the photos to show him the progression over that ten-year period, pointing out that he was right on the doorstep of the final stage.

In many of the photos in my "report", I didn't even include the explicit parts: Instead, I blew up just the faces of the women being subjected to violent and disgusting acts, and asked him if those faces looked happy and confident. He admitted, in reluctant mumbles, that he saw shame, fear, nervousness, defeat, despair, numbness, numbness, numbness. Not one woman looking strong or in control. So I explained to him then exactly how the porn industry works: How much money it makes; that 95% of all porn actresses come from abusive backgrounds and/or are drug or alcohol addicts; that porn literally is designed to set him up to seek even more extreme images.

He says that the "report" set the seal on his "epiphany": That it completed the job of opening his eyes and filled him with shame and revulsion. That finally he started to see the people in those photographs as exploited human beings instead of attractive sex objects. And being a man all about self-control and never revealing emotions, he was also quite obviously angry at being led around and deliberately manipulated by the porn industry. (I suspect that part was stronger than his shame, initially.)

And all the time he was holed up in the attic with his "collection" over those ten years, he had stopped working, after being let go from two jobs. He let me support him for that ten years while he pleaded "depression" (but refused to get help).

He also kicked me out of our bedroom three years ago, saying I disturbed him too much. He made me sleep on the couch. He also told me our sex life was over: He was "old" and had "lost it".

And, speaking of losses, we finally lost our house just before Christmas, in spite of my best efforts to carry the financial load alone.

Back to the present: The good news is, he totally woke up that day I showed him the report, and has been 100% porn free ever since (6 months). He is going for individual counselling, we are both going for marriage counselling. We've had our share of idiot counselors too, including one who opened the session by telling me that he wouldn't discuss pornography because he "had daughters" and didn't want to be "tainted" by such subjects. (????)

My husband also joined a 12-step program, Sexaholics Anonymous.

I know he's 100% porn free because of his actions -- it's all in the ACTIONS and BEHAVIOR; not in the words. My husband is now accepting full responsibility, both for the porn and for its effects on our lives. He is being transparent and answering all my questions -- I haven't caught him out in one lie or evasion. He's proactive now in continuing the counseling. We're being intimate again regularly (and in spite of my problems and grief, it's the best and most tender ever, in all those years -- but it's like making love after a death.) And within a week of getting caught, he went out and got his first full-time job in years. (WHY oh why couldn't he have done that *before* we lost our lovely little home?)

But unfortunately *I'm* not doing so well. I can totally relate, Done, when you say: "How do you answer when one of your best friends says, "How are you?" "Fine, except that my husband would rather jerk off to strangers in porn than make love to me...how are you?" I'm still living with that too. That is totally me. And when he smiles at me, all happy about something, instead of being properly grateful that I've got back the man I married and that he's alert and happy and alive again, that teen actress's explicit photos rear vividly and in lurid detail right under my nose, and I see him through her private parts, and feel so wrong and sad and angry and enraged. (Wish your awful counselor could experience THAT for a day.)

What I didn't realize was that, for myself, going from zero porn exposure to taking in his "life's work" in the space of a few hours would have a devastating and life-changing effect on me. I can't get rid of the awful images. I've been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and live in a constant state of image flashbacks from his beloved "collection"; nightmares--really hideous ones that people normally wake up from before bad things happen--only in these ones, they happen, including me being murdered almost every night. And fighting off suicidal impulses. And rage. Oh, the rage... I can go from 0 to 1000 -- adrenalin flooding, blood pressure spiking, heart hammering a million miles a minute -- instantly, when triggered.

Also, it just *kills* me that while I was forced to be sexually celibate for 3 years, he was up there in his attic, humping like a bunny with his pick of thousands of perfect sex partners, several times a week. I still have to restrain myself from slapping him silly into tomorrow, giving him a real good walloping, whenever I think of that; and about how sad and isolated and lonely (and frustrated) and unlovable I felt, all that time.

I'm still in Hell, while he's happily forging ahead with renewed energy, hope, life and strong goals. But I am hoping to come out of this one day, healed. And I hope you will, too.

Meanwhile, here's what I've discovered and wish I knew earlier. When either of you chooses a new counselor:

1> Ask for a "trauma-based" therapist - this is VERY important.

2> Ask for one familiar with sexual addiction (or at least addictions).

3> Don't accept any that aren't helpful (you were both wise to drop that woman!) I had one -- from a women's sexual assault group, yet -- brightly compare my husband to a particular serial rapist and murderer, which utterly destroyed me and messed with my head. Fortunately, our brilliant marriage counselor helped me straighten that one out quickly.

4> Ask your husband to consider a 12-step program. Sexaholics Anonymous is the only one I can remember, but there are actually several. (There are also SA groups for wives, too.) My husband isn't finding the 12-step program really helpful though he is still diligently going, but I think that's because he really IS absolutely 100% porn free with no desire for porn, and working as hard as he can to replace dysfunctional behaviors and thought processes with healthy ones -- and the 12-step programs seem to focus on men who are still having problems with it (which is why I'm wondering if it would help your husband.) Mine is an exception, apparently - one of less than 10% who quit "cold turkey". Men who are still struggling with this addiction are *actually the norm*; processing it in "layers".

5> Your husband needs to fully feel your pain before he can quit. And you are very eloquent and express your pain so succinctly and clearly, so I am hoping this means his process will be less lengthy than you fear!

6> Take care of you. And don't let ANYone (especially not counselors and not even 12-step programs) tell you that you "enabled" him or are a "co-addict". I think this is the cruelest label ever.

Finally, I found this article for spouses of sex addict by Barbara Steffens, Ph.D, really helpful:
http://safepassagescounseling.com/treatment-for-partners-of-sexual-addic...

This is not your fault. Your husband has a problem, and unfortunately he's damaged you with it. Hang in there -- and remember that his proof will be in his actions: If he "slips", does he admit his mistake and continue counseling and accountability, etc? Is he transparent and honest with you, no matter how painful? As long as the answer is yes, I do believe there's hope that you will both get past this.

You are a brave and beautiful lady. I wish you and your husband all the best.

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Thank you Imogen

Submitted by Nomad on Thu, 30/06/2011 - 19:06

If I were ever tempted to look at porn again (I went cold turkey 3 months ago after becoming sick of myself and what I was in danger of becoming), then I will re-read your story.

I am really, really sorry for what has happened to you and for the 3 years porn had you lying on a couch alone. I'm real sorry you lost you house and I'm sorry for your nightmares.

My fiancee doesnt know about my past addiction (and thankfully I never went into the darker realms of it and I never went into anything that was graphic) and I think I will keep it that way. Its no longer part of who I am and it never again will be. I am tempted to say "I had a problem, but its finally over since I met you", but I think the only one who would benefit from that would be me and she would gain nothing and probably think a lot less of me.

I can sadly recognise the memory loss and depression. I hope my brain will get back to how it used to be when I liked myself.

Thanks again. I am near to tears here and so so sorry that I've looked at stuff in the past and have contributed to this vile industry. I hope things get much much better for you and you get a nice little home once more.

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Thank you for writing!

Submitted by Imogen on Tue, 05/07/2011 - 03:23

Nomad, that is so kind of you to take the trouble to write and tell me how my story affected you. It means a great deal to me that someone cared enough about my pain to do that when I had been feeling so invisible.

It encourages me to hear that you have seen through the porn industry and refuse to continue feeding it. It cheers me greatly to hear that you too were able to quit cold turkey and I applaud you for being able to do that and walk away. If one thing comes out of my story, I'd like people to understand properly what really happens when one views porn images and how dehumanizing and evil, in the most literal sense of the word, the porn industry really is.

To encourage you: From what I've read, not everyone becomes addicted - many men view porn for a while, become disgusted or grow out of it, and move on. However, if you're still feeling depressed, that's a separate issue that may have contributed to your choices: Please consider getting counselling for the depression itself, if it doesn't go away. (Still having the depression may make you more prone to other esteem-whomping choices like procrastination or avoidance, even if the porn "escape valve" is gehuinely gone.)

It made me so sad for you when I read your comment about "when I liked myself". Right now, I'm liking you a LOT, because you have demonstrated kindness, bravery and compassion in writing to comfort me and share your story. I hope you are proud of yourself for quitting cold turkey, because your letter also shows you have a lot of courage and are brave enough to be accountable for your actions -- a rare trait in this day and age.

I hope things go well for you and your fiancee, and that you are very soon feeling good about yourself again and heading into a bright future together.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and for caring about my lovely little house in the forest -- that meant so much to me, I can't begin to express.

.

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Thanks Imogen

Submitted by Nomad on Tue, 02/08/2011 - 12:16

Yes, I have suffered from depression on and off for some time and I've used porn in the past as a release from the stress of the world and its fed my depression. I wasnt aware that procrastination was a symptom of depression, but I've had a book called Overcoming Procratination on my bookshelf which I have been "meaning" to read for about 5 years now, so I have it in spades.

I have had counselling in the past related to depression when someone I loved more than life died of leukaemia and I was close to ending it all. Its been a constant bane of my life and to be honest it is quite a powerful one right now, which I why I read your reply again so I can feel a little better about myself and like I did some good.

I will get myself back to the doctors I think as I'm on the ragged edge and right now porn (or lack of it) is the least of my problems. I dont like to take pills, but perhaps they can offer something else as I am "suffering".

Thanks for your kind words and I am glad mine helped in return.

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Imogen you are amazing

Submitted by GT on Wed, 12/10/2011 - 10:01

I sit here, day 4 after destroying my family. My wife found porn on my computer 6 years ago, which was catastrophic at the time, but luckily for me, she forgave me and with time things returned to normal, well kind of.
I swore off porn, and did so successfully for 4 maybe 5 years, but it crept into my life again over the past 12-15 months. Heading the wrong way. Then my wife discovered it again and now that is it.
Your approach is amazing and as Nomad has rightly identified, inspirational to help others realise the facts about the industry and prevent a relapse.
I am contemplating sending your post to my wife, as I think she would resonate with your feelings, but as the issue is so raw and we are in the post traumatic shock of it all, I think it maybe too raw.
The very interesting thing is how it affects your brain. The symptoms which you have identified I have always put down to other things, but I feel that the cause has just been identified.
Thank you for you kind inspiring words.

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Thank you, Imogen

Submitted by Done on Wed, 23/11/2011 - 11:37

It has been months since I have been on this site, which I guess is good news, because things have felt really good lately. I came back today and read your amazing post, and I just wanted to thank you for it. When I read of your PTSD diagnosis, that resonated so much with me...I thought, oh my God, that is exactly what I have. I still have trust issues and self-esteem issues, but my husband and I are communicating so much more now. After a major relapse in April of this year, a relapse which literally killed my soul and made me never want to wake up again, we have been on a really positive path. We had a blowout a few months ago when I saw that my husband had been doing "innocent" google searches: ok, he wasn't visiting his regular porn sites, but he was googling words like "cock," "slut," and "xxx." He says he didn't masturbate to the images, and I believe him. But my issue was, "innocent?" You don't think that "innocent" search would escalate into something bigger and put you right back where you were 6 months ago? I know that he is totally remorseful about how long his addiction went on and how much it hurt me...he often says, "I just feel like I let you down so much." I am working hard to trust him again, but it is hard. And when I see that he has spent a lot of time on the Victoria's Secret site, well, is that "innocent?" Is VS the gateway drug to going back to hardcore porn? I know that will sound crazy to a lot of men, and I don't pretend that my husband is never going to see another naked woman besides me again, but you don't give a crack addict a little crack, and you don't give a porn addict a little softcore porn...but maybe that's the PTSD speaking. I just wish I could relax into a happy and healthy place where I don't ever have to wonder what goes on when I am not home.

I hope your situation is still on the right track, and thank you again for sharing your story.

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