How do I compete with porn stars?
I'm 24 years old, got married at the age of 20, everything was perfect. My life was full of happiness and I trusted my husband wholeheartedly, until 6months into our marriage!!!
We were up late one night and I noticed him behaving very strangely so I just sat put in da lounge waiting for him as he told me he was re arranging his cupboard. So after a long while I heard his brothers phone beep and I sprung up to go check what's happening and it was at that time when I caught him, he was chatting up a prostitute a number which he got from a local newspaper.
I couldn't believe it - my trust was broken that instant. After a whole night of arguing he assured me I've got nothing to worry about so I decided to forgive him and move on even though I was shattered inside.
I think it was a month later when I caught him with porn sites and video viewing. We are married for four years now and in these four years I think I managed to catch him out with this porn sites like well over 50 times. I don't know what to do because every time I catch him he promises not to do it again and then just goes right ahead and does it!!! I can't trust him and I don't know if I ever will.
My marriage is falling apart, because now I have a very low self esteem. I don't feel attractive any more. I feel as if I'm not good enough, and worst of all how do I compete with porn stars??? Whenever I look at my husband that's all I picture and I can't stand the sight of him, I'm beginning to hate him as everyday passes. I can't live like this any more. I need help or advise please reply.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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Breaking out of the game
Hi SS,
Thank you for sharing your situation here. Firstly, your husband needs to realise the full extent of hurt that his habit is causing you. He needs to know how it chips away at your self-esteem every time you catch him ogling porn.
For some couples, this message doesn't get through even when it is something that regularly causes arguments. I have seen it almost turn into a routine, where the wife or girlfriend finds herself playing 'porn cop', and he tries to earn forgiveness (whilst inwardly telling himself to be more careful next time). It's a horrible game that can drag on for years, almost becoming part of his porn habit routine.
Many partners of porn addicts share exactly the same feelings that you are experiencing; doubts about your own attractiveness and how you can possibly compete. There are various ways of conveying this to him, including couple counselling or writing him a long letter (useful for avoiding another frustrating argument where he lies and denies).
If he can fully comprehend the seriousness of the issue, and that he really might end up single if it continues, you both have the foundation for positive discussion and moving forward. Options begin to open up.
I hope this is helpful, and please feel welcome to follow up. As you'll see from the many partner's stories here, you certainly are not alone.
Going through the same thing
Hi-I completely understand how you feel as I have been going through the same thing for some time now. I believe that he doesn't even know what is truth or lies when it comes to the porn. It's always I swear this was the first time and I was going to tell you-the lying comes into play when he tells me its because of me he looks at it, or that he has never fantasized about another woman or that he honestly had no clue he was under private browsing. He just doesn't get why it upsets me. And although I thought that "If he can fully comprehend the seriousness of the issue, and that he really might end up single if it continues, you both have the foundation for positive discussion and moving forward. Options begin to open up." would help I see that it doesnt make a difference. To top it all off I have recently given birth to our first child. He makes little comments to me when I say that I am fat, but doesnt link it to him looking at college coeds & girls barely over 100lbs only. I realized waking up this morning that he is shattering my self esteem I've never allowed anyone to have this much effect on me and I hate it. The lies are becoming thicker and thicker. I even had a thought that maybe it was me and I shouldn't have a problem with him watching, downloading and needing porn. I am debating what to do, but know that unless he stops lying and goes to talk to someone things will never change. Hope your situation gets better soon.
re:going through the same thing
It isn't you. When I brought this up to my husband, the first time I found out, he admitted it, and said that he was just embarrassed with me knowing because he just likes to masturbate to it, and he has done it since he was a kid, Supposedly his brother introduced him to porn when he was relatively young, and he is foreign and from a country where boys become men, from maturity, to culturally, to socially, even workforce wise and sexually at really young ages. He said that his exes never had a problem with it, but I think that it has alot to do with why his past relationships, especially the last one ended. He said that the two women who are the mothers of his children both cheated on him, I have never met them, but I imagine that they felt cheated on by what he awas doing, and maybe felt driven to cheat themselves. Although I don't believe that two wrongs make a right, and have never cheated on anyone myself, I see where they were coming from. he said the mom of his twins, the last girl before me, would only sleep with him about once a month, and that she would sleep fully clothed, and wear a hoodie because she was cold all the time. I believe that it was to avoid him, because he deos not care if you are sleeping or not, he still will touch you or do whatever it takes to have a sexual interaction with you selfishly to indulge himself. Today, I caught him while we were at my grandsons (i was a very young mom, and very young grandmom, lol)halloween parade, checking out a 20 something girl, dressed on her way to go to do her gym workout, for a good full 10 seconds of staring, with me right there. Second time in two weeks, and he now wears street clothes to work, and takes his work clothes in a back pack. Only about a month has he been doing this, and two weeks ago, he "accidentally" pulled a hoodie out of the duffle bag, that was obviously a females, and said that it must have been under his jacket on the hook from work, but if he was wearing the jackety, how did it get in the bag? Apparently I am an idiot too now. He did not take it back to work with him either, he threw it away. today, I was helping out at my fathers store, where my husband came to hang out, since he works an evening shift on the weekends, but left about three hours early, because supposedly he needed a nap before work. He needed porn, when I came home, the tape that was he and his ex's, was out of place. I will not destroy his property, but, I want to shatter it, along with the dvd hidden in the case behind it, but I just don't. Because, not unlike yourself, I feel as if I make him need this. to me, if he is satisfied in our relationship, he would not need the porn. Or if he wanted to use it to spice up our sexlife, that would be different, but it is strictly for him when he is alone. So, to me if he needs sleazy women, why doesn't he just go find one, instead of staying here with me?
I am with you on the self esteem , but you are a new mom, and although tired, you must be just radiant right now. one thing to remember is that, some men cannot handle the competition they feel when the woman in their life focus's their attention on that beautiful new baby. That is selfish of them, so that may be an issue, that he would try to blame it on. Don't let him do it, that little baby is the greatest gift you will ever recieve in your life, and no matter what happens in your relationship, you are forever the beautiful mom of that beautiful child. Focus on your little one, and gain strength in remembering your importance in his or her life. Best wishes, Congratulations, and hang in there, If it breaks you up, then it does.
Marilyn monroe once said:
I believe things happen for a reason,and people change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong, so that you can appreciate them when they are right.You believe lies, so that eventually you learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together.
Maybe these thoughts will help. Hugs.
Jesus Christ is the answer
In 2009 i was set free from porn addiction after years of bondage. Jesus set me free. Peoples addiction to porn is just like people who are addicted to drugs or wickedness. You keep wondering why they can't stop. The answer is in the bible.
John 8:34 Jesus answered them, “Most assuredly, I say to you, whoever commits sin is a slave of sin.
Slaves don't really have an option. They just obey.
Rev 1:5 and from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, the firstborn from the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth. To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood.
Salvation comes through the Blood of Jesus Christ and it is here for all. His blood sets us free from all kinds of Sin.
May God help us all. Amen. I pray you all find peace in Jesus. Amen.
I suggest you start reading the new testament of the Bible.
God bless you.
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