Wasting my life searching for the holy grail of porn - KK's story

I'm a man in my late thirties. I've been with my girlfriend for ten years. We haven't had sex for about seven of them. I love her with all my heart, and cannot imagine my life without her in it, but the truth is that I became completely disinterested in her sexually. In fact the thought of it repulses me even though I truly wish this wasn't so. For most of the relationship I've masturbated alone and I've hated myself for it.

I suppose most men have vague recollections of masturbating a lot during their teens. Sexual fantasies were vague images of the girls in school or some TV celebrity. In my late teens, after I'd joined the US navy, I was introduced to a lot of hardcore porn. By my early twenties I'd been occasionally late for work after spending virtually the whole night masturbating to porno videos. I can still remember the feeling of excitement after purchasing or borrowing new pornos. I'd frantically rush to get home and my pants would almost be off before I got through the door!

By my early twenties porn was already serving the function of providing ready-made fantasies into which I would insert females I encountered during my real life. My public face was a lie. I'd talk sex just like the rest of them and then I'd sneak off to my bedroom, the toilet or shower, etc and masturbate. The truth is that I spent over five years in a macho-environment like the military without having a single real sexual encounter and didn't, in fact, lose my virginity until years after I left when I was about twenty-seven/twenty-eight years old. That was to the woman I'm still with now.

The internet has, without question, added fuel to the fire though. On a few occasions over the years I've even, and it sickens me to admit this, downloaded some child-pornography just to see if it got me closer to that "hit" I'm seeking and which I know doesn't exist. The feelings of self-detestation I cannot describe and they have prompted me to quit porn entirely. But only for so many months before that dreaded moment of weakness and opportunity arises. I can't count the amount of life lost searching for the "Holy Grail". A good porno moment remains with me forever. In fact I recently went on a quest to find scenes from movies which gave me the best "hits" almost twenty years ago. Watching them was like I'd never been away.

Even without porn though, I still masturbate most days by inserting a selection of females into my tried and tested porn scenarios. I've tried to stop. The longest I've ever gone without masturbating is two weeks. Two weeks of hell. The problem I have all the time now, which I only had intermittently up until a couple of years ago, is that, especially after masturbating, my facial expression reveals to everybody that I've been doing it or that I'm seeing the world sexually. My eyes, cheeks, and mouth have what I can only describe as a "perverted" look about them. My lips are slightly engorged and pouting and my eyes have "leering" quality about them. If I relax enough I can feel the tightened cheek muscles to the sides of my nose. This "face" is usually prominent for days after masturbating.

Maintaining relationships, both private and professional, has become a problem for which I cannot see a solution at present. I've even attempted to get out in the evenings by joining a sports club only to quit after seeing other people's reactions to my "perverted face". I know within myself that my family and work colleagues accept that I have a problem, and that I'm struggling with it, even though this much has never been said. My wonderful girlfriend is the only thing keeping me here and yet I'd still betray her sexually if an on-the-plate opportunity arose.

So, a bit of a miserable picture but I'm determined to live a life of sexual and mental health. I'm currently investigating supplements which effect brain chemicals like serotonin. If anyone has any good advice then I'm all ears. Thanks for listening anyways.

Hi KK,

Thank you for sharing your story here with such honesty and thoughtful detail. You raise a lot of relevant points about the nature of compulsive porn use.

It's common to vividly remember images and scenes from the first porn we ever encountered, even several decades later. And I think that's to be expected - these were moments of jaw-dropping sexual discovery, after all. But there's a different between being able to recall images of early sexual learning, and feeling emotionally attached or even haunted by them.

A lot of guys find themselves searching the internet for those old clips in an effort to relive the intense impact and excitement that once accompanied them. They might feel as if they have explored the outer limits of everything internet porn has to offer, and have resorted to trawling through the past. A lot of time and effort can go into these pursuits, highlighting just how strong the craving for that elusive 'hit' can be.

This indicates a compulsive behaviour problem; using porn to escape from underlying bad feelings. And you don't need me to mention that when this has led into illegal porn territory, the seriousness of the problem is even more apparent.

You may find it useful to get some counselling to explore exactly what unmet needs you are trying to satisfy or numb with porn. It can help you to get things into clearer perspective, deal with the feelings of shame that manifest in "perverted face" and plan the way forward.

As for those old pornographic memories, I don't think they need to be eliminated or pushed down. Trying to do this usually has the opposite effect anyway. A better approach is to replace their significance with genuine reflections on how you really feel after looking at porn, and the longer term things that you want from life.

We've all felt locked in the habit loop, where our rational brain wants to stop doing something but our memory keep on serving up visions of how exciting and great it will be this time. We dupe ourselves with anticipation and false expectation. On a very positive note, there are practical techniques for overcoming all of this and breaking out of the loop. You might want to explore 'urge surfing', self-awareness techniques and cognitive behavioural therapy. My book discusses all of these aspects and there's plenty of advice and discussion on this site.

I wish you every success in building on your determination to make changes.