Pornography, self-esteem and self-love - by Alex
Question: Is using porn OK?
Answer: Well I can only speak for myself and from my own experience, and my answer is probably not. Why? Because using any kind of porn generally has a damaging or negative after effect on me and my self-esteem.
The Problem with Pornography?
When we talk about 'struggling with porn', we are referring to porn becoming an obsession. It seems to me that using pornography is rather a masochistic sort of past time. Using pornography can become the modern day equivalent of self flagellation; i.e. whipping yourself with sticks. Ultimately, using pornography only results in hurting ourselves.
Production companies that make porn films and website media provide us with the means to hurt ourselves, but we cannot blame these companies alone. The internet and other technologies such as DVD only makes access to such images easier than ever before in history. These images become a means to an end; tools or instruments by which we wound ourselves. To use porn is to make a choice, a choice which might be unconscious or made from a state of feeling completely out of control. To use porn to this extent is rarely, if ever, a rational decision.
This leads me to a mysterious or perhaps puzzling question: why do we use pornography when it inflicts such pain and self wounding. Why? I don't have all the answers, just perhaps some small fragments of this larger and complex jigsaw puzzle.
So using porn is essentially masochistic, and the logical and rational response would be “if you don't like to feel pain, and if you don't want to carry on suffering, then the best thing to do is stop using porn". Ah yes! It's easy to say this but so hard to turn into a reality.
When we use porn, it can have a dreadfully negative effect on several levels. Porn damages our self-esteem (self confidence, how we see ourselves, how we think of ourselves) and we end up feeling bad about ourselves as individuals. Using porn closes the heart chakra; i.e. the emotional centre of the heart which is associated with the giving and receiving of love.
Thus I would suggest that having a porn habit is a symptom of “not really loving ourselves”. And every time we act out our habit, we re-enforce this belief and make ourselves even more vulnerable to it.
Breaking out of porn enables us to reconnect with liking and loving ourselves once again. To love yourself is not a crass thing to do; it is a vitally important part of being a complete human being. And to not love yourself diminishes you (and me). Porn diminishes us all if we carry on using it.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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7 comments
From my own experience (10+
From my own experience (10+ years addicted to porn), I agree that this habit is a form of masochism. I've put myself through long periods of self-hate, disgust and anger, over and over again. And as you say, for what purpose? Why do I keep doing it when I know how much it hurts me?
One of the reasons for me is stability and routine. When I spend my time looking at porn (previously videos, now all online), I know where I'm going. I have a set routine of websites to visit and searches to make, and eventually I will masturbate. I'll hate myself again, but at least I'll be tired enough to sleep.
At the age of 44, I know that I need to break this habit and work on salvaging my life. I ought to spend my time getting back into work, making social connections. I would dearly love another relationship. I know all this but my confidence is shot by self-pity and loathing. I'm scared and need the routine of my addiction, so I return to it every day.
MW
Hello Martin, Thank you
Hello Martin,
Thank you for your comments in response to my piece on porn & self esteem. YES! I can so totally relate to what you
have shared about your own struggle with using porn, and I think your correct about the process of using porn becoming
a routine or almost a ritual. I would like to share with you what I discoverd about my own porn obsession and why I
ended up using porn. I think that when using porn becomes obsessional as it can so easily become, it has two
elements to it.
a) The first part is that the porn use & its routine is just a cover up for deeper emotional issues & psychological issues
which we (you and me) cannot face or have become too difficult to face up to. i.e. I am such a horrible person no women
would ever fancy me or love me?? Thus porn is a means of defense against unresolved issues.
b) Sadly, porn has a damaging effect on a person's ability to love themselves (self esteem) & so it can easily turn into a
self forfiling prophacy. Meaning you end up feeling so bad about yourself that you don't actually attract anyone of the
oppsite sex anyway which means that the very thing you desire the most deep down goes un-met or un-forfilled i.e.
wanting to be loved. Perhaps there is also an element of fear of initimacy somewhere there too? Anyway the inner wound
to our self esteem remains festering if we go on using porn. Its like picking the scab off a wound that has healed. Or that
the wound never gets the chance to fully form a scab over the wound so it feasters.
I have recently discovered issues in my distant past (personal history) that left me feeling extremely rejected & feeling
unloved & unlovable. The pain of this goes back many decades & thus I have for years avoided & covered the wound by
using porn. But the porn made me feel even more awful about myself, it was as if the porn proved how horrible
and unlovable I am. However, now that I feel I have discovered why I was using porn I have been able to let go, I am
learning to slowly love myself and I can do this now without feeling like a moth drawn the candel flame of porn. Yes! there
really can be life after porn and life without porn, without porn dominating my life constantly. I learnt that my using porn
had a deeper reason underlying it. I feel sure this is the case with many of us. I don't need to beat myself up any more
because what happened was not my fault, but it has taken me a very very long time to come to this insight. But now I
have far better understanding of my past, now it makes more sense to me I nolonger need porn. The insight has helped
me make an important shift, a shift which means facing the hurt, facing the pain and not covering up the wound by
numbing it out with porn,etc.
Kind Regards from Alex
In other words no matter how
In other words no matter how much porn you are doing, no matter how bad the habit or obsession. I feel certain that porn is being used as a means to numb out a deeper problem (issue), & of course porn is an excellent anesthetic drug as I know all too well myself. However, just like any drug even a pornographic anesthetic will (can) eventually wear off and we are left starkly facing ourselves. Left soberly confronted with ourselves and our problems, just like taking any drugs our problems are not solved or healed by the act of taking the drug. I still hold fast to my opinion that much porn is used & consumed to block or cover up, cover over or repress deeper emotional problems.
Alex
Though using pornography, for
Though using pornography, for a married person, is not exactly the same as sleeping with other people, most wives that I talk with definitely feel like it's an act of betrayal or infidelity in the relationship.
Many men also feel guilty about their use of porn. They also experience negative effects including feelings of shame, relational difficulties, trouble enjoying real sex, and difficulty connecting intimately.
I don't think that's the
I don't think that's the point though Sexual Integrity, is it?
I can definitely see how a
I can definitely see how a wife or partner might feel a sense of betrayal if their husband or boyfriend was using porn behind there back. Its the hidden nature of using the porn NOT so much the porn itself, i.e. perhaps the betrayal comes from the dishonesty involved in using porn behind a partners back that leads to a loss of trust. The fact that a partner even needs to use porn is a sadness itself and is something that can only have negative effects on the relationship. It can drive a wedge of distrust between the two people concerned.
Alex.
Just wanted to comment as I
Just wanted to comment as I have made great strides in overcoming porn addiction after being involved with it for 10+ years. The equation is simple but seems so complex. If you view porn in an addictive type manner than you will suffer both internally and relationships are next to impossible. For me it took my GF on the verge of leaving me to finally wake up. That after having a marriage fail prior to that for the same reasons. I STRONGLY suggest doing away with the internet at home if you really want to change. It can be done and I am living proof and each day does get easier from the time you make the comittment. If you are making that step and remember, you have to be totally ready to make the step, I wish you the best of luck and be strong.
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