Pornography in The Age of Absurdity
"When a relationship is in trouble, sex is usually the first thing to go" reflects Michael Foley in his seminal book The Age of Absurdity. "So sex is the canary in the mineshaft: if it sings all is well; if it dies the atmosphere is becoming poisonous."
In today's mass scramble for gadgets, hi-octane experience and perpetual youth, Foley recognises that there's never been more expectation riding on our intimate relationships. And in modern cities, the couple relationship may be the only source of connection, structure, meaning and enchantment.
And contemporary culture relentlessly hypes our expectations. Novelty is paramount, from the latest robotic sex toy to BDSM clubs to voluntary kidnapping services. There's nothing wrong with consensual adventure and play-acting, but for many of us a strange feeling of entitlement sets in. Transgressive pleasure then requires more to reproduce the original kick, and this is particularly applicable to watching pornography.
Pornographic movies, once expensive, difficult and embarrassing to access, are now available free in the comfort of home. Porn certainly perks up the canary but its distortions are legion. Ironically for the age of expectation, porn omits the most thrilling expectation of all - foreplay, the intoxication of proximity and fragrance, the electricity of worshipful touch, the enchanting glide of zips and the yielding of buttons, the stirring rustle and slither and soft fall of garments. Instead, porn cuts straight to the naked pumping and sucking. The action must always be dramatic and visible.
And instead of orgasm within, there is always the money shot of ejaculation over the woman. Hence the new sweet nothing murmured by male lovers: 'Can I come in your face?'
And Foley is no prude or 'slippery slope' whinger. He suggests the antidote of rediscovering Zen sex, or the sex of simplicity, and eschewing the grunting portrayals of porn and unrealistic prescriptions of the glossy media.
Let the lovers lie in bed at night, touching and marvelling, at intervals seeking each other's mouths for silent but profound communication of gratitude. Eventually, moving slowly as one, they assume the missionary position and tenderly conjoin. Then in sweet silence and practically motionless (with the minimal movement directed by the woman), they lie still and permit an autonomous ecstasy to steal slowly over them.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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10 comments
This book sounds really
This book sounds really interesting--thanks for sharing this. I agree that when a relationship is in trouble, the sex is the first thing to go, but I guess I'd also like to point out that, with porn addiction, the sex can go when there's nothing wrong with the relationship itself. In fact, it's often at the height of things going well that the addict turns back to the porn out of fear of mounting intimacy (I think you pointed this out on the last post, Jason). And then the lack of sex due to addict's dependency on porn starts causing huge problems in the relationship. That's the crazy paradox of porn addiction.
Michael Foley in his seminal
Michael Foley in his seminal book The Age of Absurdity.
NOW THAT'S MY KIND OF BOOK, wow I certainly think I'll be buying a copy of that to read.
Porn is a hugely paradoxical thing, its everything you DON'T think it is? almost the opposite of what it first appears. it offers up the illusion of sex but without the actuality of real sex. Our fantasies are inflamed by it yet we can never realize them. Porn is all about fake sex yet it leaves us feeling less loved, less valued, less wanted, more isolated, more unhappy, more longing & more lonely than ever before. Porn has nothing to do with the reality of loving, with intimacy, with a sense of contact with another person, porn is faked relations which is why its so dreadfully boring. Porn is so reductive. Using porn pushes us in a more disconnected direction rather than helping us back into a state of equilibrium.
If you want an analogue for
If you want an analogue for porn.
A real loving relationship is like a three course meal it satisfied one's deep hunger, the sustenance fills us up from the inside out & literally nourishes us & keeps us alive. Porn on the other hand is like candy floss, fluffy, false in color, sugary, sickly sweet & empty in calories, it leaves you as empty after as before.
No.1 Happiness is a state of
No.1 Happiness is a state of being that only arises when the conditions allow for it. Happiness is a state free from all sense of fear or anxieties, free from the pressure of external worries. Happiness is NOT in my opinion something that you can make happen through sheer force of "will power", money cannot buy it, you cannot reason it through sheer intellectual or academic or philosophical prowess. Happiness cannot be gained from a self help book either.
No.2 I do think Michael Foley touches on something very very profound, in the sense that capitalism itself & our obsession with materialism (consumerism) buying & acquiring things actually sets up conditions or circumstances that corrodes the possibilities of experiencing true happiness.
No.3 For example:- advertising is an entire industry designed to sell us yet more stuff we don't have and don't really need. Adverts sell us "someone else's dreams" and many of these goods have very little or no value alone to makes us happy.
No.4 If you follow this logic from above, even if you were a billionaire and could literally buy & own almost anything you wanted it wouldn't make you happy. Material object have little intrinsic value or power to make us truly happy, this you could end up with stacks of stuff but still be just as unhappy as before you bought any of it.
No.5 I agree that porn is yet another symptom of the weird culture we have ended up with. Which is very interesting because if my memory serves me wasn't there an odd juxta-positioning of Fucking & shopping? Meaning that shopping & the power to spend money should be like sex & having an orgasm and that sex has become like shopping you just go & buy your next orgasm from the next available prostitute? Meaning life has been totally reduced down to spending money & having sex which all seems rather sad & desperate and utterly narrow & limited. Surely life & being alive are more than these things alone?
I think we are living through
I think we are living through the age of confusion & paradoxes.
Using porn robs us of our
Using porn robs us of our dreams, it does this by disconnecting us from our core self at a deep level. Porn robs us of our time, we waste our time on porn & often we don't even know why. If you want to know what your dreams are then you have to be connected or reconnected with your deeper core self. The confusion & distress of life & of living cannot be fixed or numbed out or ultimately avoided by using porn. Problems are just situations ripe for a solution, solutions are often best arrived at through our feeling's but you have to be in touch with your deeper emotional self to have feelings, porn disconnects us & numbs us from such feeling abilities. Thus healing & solutions can only arise from being fully in touch with all of our true self.
Doing porn is a form of self
Doing porn is a form of self flagellation, it is an expression of your own masochism. But using porn goes further, whilst self flagellation is one thing & hurts you, if you have a partner your masochism also hurts them (i.e so there is a less obvious degree of sadism too) as a consequence of that self indulgence, & selfishness. using porn also seems to have the propensity to keep us stuck in our pain, distress or unhappiness.
Is porn & our reliance on
Is porn & our reliance on porn just a sign or symptom of the degree to which our culture is out of kilter? I am only posing the question I don't pretend to know the answers but if so many many people are all struggling with their relationships to porn. One can only conclude that their is something very very wide spread & very big going on, on a collective level.
Its a no brain-er to say that the internet itself is the new medium which enables this porn problem to exist. But there must be something about modern life here in this time & in this westernized society that puts such stress & pressure on the individual that we collectively on mass turn to porn for whatever the reasons? You cannot help ask these questions its inevitable after having been involved with this site (and this blog) for many months.
I might be one person who has struggled long & hard to over come a porn compulsion but there are thousands still struggling and its obvious when you stand back a bit to ask well non of this comes from no where. How does this mass phenomena of porn compulsiveness, mass struggle with porn come from. Part of the answer is that it comes from global capitalism itself and the need or greed to make profits. Thus we comes almost full circle to say that porn is always about making money through the process of emotional & psychological & sexual manipulation of our very human vulnerabilities i.e. the sexual pull of porn itself.
Porn superficially might
Porn superficially might appear to offer a comfort blanket or a temporary escape from every day woes, or a pain killer. But one of the paradoxes of porn using porn is that it often only adds more pain, guilt & distress on top of the original feelings. The end result is that a) you feel dreadful about yourself for having used the porn and b) the original feelings only return because they were never sorted out anyway. Porn & using porn is often the complete opposite of what it first appears??!!
I think the biggest problem
I think the biggest problem is that everybody claims that porn is harmless. You look like a prude if you say that you have a problem it. When you are a woman you have to be cool with it, because that's what cool people do.
I never used to have a problem with porn. I used to watch it myself too.
I think people prefer porn to having sex because its easy, and you don't have to worry about satisfing your partner too. When we are used to watching porn and worring only about ourself, we lose what it takes to create and maintain a good, healthy relationship.
Women have to compete with porn nowadays, we stress ourselves about our image, weight etc. At the end our partners end up watching porn and these women that are nothing like us.
I opened the last video that my husband had watched, one day long time ago, and I asked him if the women there were more attractive than me. He said no way. They were younger, yeah, but I am a very attractive woman. None of those women were like me, but still my husband was too tired to have sex because he had already gotten what he needed from porn.
Yea porn usually means deeper problems, but in my opinion it comes to being selfish and not caring about satisfing your partner. Who wants a relationship with such a selfish partner?!?!?! Nobody!!!!
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