Hi Nate Beasley

Submitted by ak on Tue, 08/11/2011 - 16:48

ak's picture

Hi Nate,

I've been reading all Your Posts and Replies and must Compliment You for such very Thoughtful comments, which are so very well articulated.

I am in the same Boat as any others here, with My Porn use now having come down to once in 6-7 Days. In Pretty typical fashion a "10 Minutes" glance turns into an Hour or Two and the same feelings after. Music, some Outdoor Activities, Friends are all part of My Life, but Porn takes Precedence over all else and I find Myself trapped.

Put simply, I don't have the Commitment to really prevent Myself from porn. I honestly want to put and end and move on, I must also be Honest in saying I have never been in a Relationship with Women, Introversion is probably the reason.

I have abstained from Porn for Long periods in the past such as 2 Years, but now it has become one hard obsession to rid Mysefl off.

I'd be glad and Grateful to You, if You could please offer Me as well some Insights from Your experience which might Help Me create a Plan to distance Myself away from This.

Hope it won't be much of a Trouble for You.

Cheers!!!
A.K.

Hi AK,

Nice to hear from you and thanks for your nice words!

Let's start with your successes. You have managed to avoid porn for up to 2 years and even now you can go for 6 or 7 days without it. The immediate question that springs to mind is why this is not enough for you? I'm not sure why you feel that 'porn takes precedence over all else' when you're looking at porn just once a week. I wonder if perhaps you feel this way because the 6 days in between feel like a constant battle. If, on the other hand, it's simply a case that you feel you shouldn't look at porn, then maybe that's not reason enough for you to stop completely.

I'm in no doubt that any change (porn related or otherwise) requires commitment, it doesn't need justification. What I mean by this is that you don't need a reason to change so we don't get anywhere by building up all the things wrong with looking at porn. We do however get somewhere with an objective and a commitment to achieve it.

So when you say you don't have the commitment to prevent yourself from looking at porn, I fear you won't be able to make a change. Figure out what you want (and allow yourself to be happy with the status quo if you wish) and then make a commitment to achieve it.

The next thing I want to say is that you might benefit from a more positive approach. Think about how you've been able to go for 2 years without looking at porn. Clearly this shows that there isn't some fundamental dependency on porn, rather external circumstances that make it more or less likely for you to use it. We see this very often. It might be that when we're busy at work, we don't think about porn, but when work is slower and we're bored, those thoughts flood straight back. Or it might be that someone who looks at porn every day, doesn't think about it at all when they go on holiday, purely because the environmental triggers are gone.

You could reflect on what was different about those porn-free 2 years and try to recreate those conditions. If that's not immediately obvious to you, then another approach would be to try to fill your spare time with the other things in your life that you enjoy - music, outdoor activities, friends. Doing this will help squeeze out even more opportunity for porn thinking. In fact, you could use any of these as techniques for dealing with porn urges - for instance, next time you feel like looking at porn you could put on a CD, go for a run or phone a friend.

Do you want to have a relationship with a woman? If so, it's probably not a huge surprise that many people (maybe most?) find it difficult. There are lots of different things you could do to improve your chances.

I hope that some of this helps.

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Hi Nate,

Firstly Thank You for the Advice and Encouragement. Yes I can go without porn for a even a couple of Weeks, but the Thrill of it then just Triggers another session, and that too a Bomb-Out one.

You say it well, External Circumstances indeed make it difficult, I don't have a GF, nor am I in any sort of a Relationship and I can see that This Obsession prevents Me from Pursuing One. I have put in place some of the Activities that You mention, such as Music, Singing, Running etc but I find that too often when I am at the Point of being tipped over to watch porn, I give in, that's where I lack commitment.

I have never been in a relationship at all, and hence find comfort in watching women naked on the net, because that is easy, but it's where it hits the most because I'm running away from actually creating opportunities for Me to actually build relationships with Women.

Yes, Nate, You're right, it's maybe, not Reason enough for Me, hence I find it a stuggle all the time. I know I have the Tools, the mindset, but not the Commitment hence I am unable to set Myself a Long Term Goal. I can tell You, I find it Extremely challenging to establish a Relationship with Women and am trying to find ways of doing it, sadly no knowledge or experience in the past.

You're right, I need to figure out first, what is it that I want, is it just running away from Porn on a Daily Basis or actually setting up a relationship with a Real Woman or other more Fruitful Goals?...I do hope to put into practice some of Your thoughts.

Thank You.

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Hi Nate,

I hope You're Well. I can see Your posts make great sense and really hit the Crux. As You can see I am struggling badly with This Myself.

Thus needed to ask of You a Favour, if I can possibly Exchange Mails with You on a One-on-One basis pertaining to This Tpoic, if it's ok with You. It might just give Me a better perspective coming from Someone who's come out of the Habit.

I am in need of Help and am contemplating the same but right now I am weak with This. I hope to take Something from Your experience. Many Thanks.

Best Regards,
AK.

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