Innuendo,
If you want a piece of advice from a woman that has been dealing with this for a long time, DO what you promised to do. Its great that your girlfriend is supportive, believe me she won’t be as much if you have the same conversation for 5 or more years. Its great that you were open and honest with her, not everybody is like that. I’m sure she values that too.
Another thing I want to say to you is : Do this for yourself first, then for her. Its great that you guys have been doing great together, but you should do it for you first!!!!

As far as me and my husband..I’ve seen changes in him. He is more relaxed, more focused on his daily tasks. That’s why I haven’t said anything about the sex thing, I don’t want to discourage him for now. I guess the longer you are dependent to porn, the longer it takes it to go back to normal. See..I don’t even know what the real him is cause when I met him he already was dependant to porn. He said he has been since 13 and he is 35 now.
I’m trying to do the best for us. I’m being patient.

“L”, perhaps you should think about Jason’s “sum up”: “neurons that fire together, wire together”. It’s like an iron shirt – you can’t get it down so easy. When you’re objectifying others for a long period of time, your brain just gets used to it. I’m talking from my own experience. However. I believe he can become a loving human being again. I can see it in myself. We all are good in our essence. There’s just one difference between all of us – one gets disturbed on his/her life path, one doesn’t. And that’s what porn is. A disturbion that can be avoided as all other disturbions can.

Thank you all for your replies. I can’t believe you’re keeping up to date. I really like it since I don’t have many people in my surroundings to debate this in a more serious matter. Cheers!

I have seen couples completely recover their sexual relationships after a long struggle with porn issues – possibly with more intimacy than before. In many ways, it’s an essential part of the healing from porn addiction. But it is a long term process; continuing to face up to deeper issues after the porn habit has been overcome.

I wonder whether there are any indicators that he is making positive changes? Maybe he’s managing to steer clear from porn, but through white knuckles and resentment. Ideally, he’ll replace the old obsession with a more pro-relationship outlook; learning to appreciate your feelings again. All of this requires complete buy-in on his part though. He needs to comprehend the problem.

edward – I think you summed up the way that we objectify our partners really well. So many readers, guys struggling with porn and their wives and girlfriends, will recognise these telltale signs. When we’re obsessed with porn, sex with our partners becomes an extension of the whole porn ritual, and intimacy goes right out the window. And we’re too wrapped up in our fantasies to think or care; we kid ourselves that she won’t notice any difference.

Much respect to you for your progress and determination!

L – I’m pleased that you are finding this site supportive. It really does help to read other people’s stories and get a wide perspective on the whole issue.

You are right that your husband needs to get real and take responsibility for making changes. But even if he doesn’t, you are entitled to your own healing. Realising that his habit is not a reaction to you is big part of this. The problem remains, but at least you can see through a lot of the blame and self-disgust that you have experienced. You can feel more confident in deciding how to approach the whole mess.

innuendo – It’s true that the deeper we get into compulsive porn use, old pre-porn interests just don’t do it for us. In psychology terms, we’ve forged an overriding new reward system; for fun and escapism, the brain goes shopping for internet porn. There’s the old psychology term “neurons that fire together, wire together”. When we’re spending time every day masturbating to porn, we’re training our brain in this way. And old reward systems (hobbies, creative interests, socialising) get untrained and fall by the wayside. They feel too “far away”; the pathways to pleasure have become overgrown and abandoned.

The good news is that all this training can be reversed; every time you opt not to do porn, the reflex is a little bit weakened. Generally speaking, it takes several weeks for equilibrium to be restored. Thinking about porn is natural and fine, and you can learn that it doesn’t mean you have to act on it. Memories of the old habit can just float by on their own; it’s actually quite a nice feeling. And if you get proactive and seek out new ways to fill emotional needs, you’ll avoid the withdrawal/cold turkey trap. Good luck!

I’m so glad I found out about the “porn addiction” term. I never knew this could be my problem. I’m 25 and was abusing it for 10 years now – last 6 very intense. Every day. If I had 5 minutes of spare time I was doing it. In this 6 years I lost interests in almost everything but porn. I still have desires and ideas to do my “pre-porn” hobbies and things, but they seem “so far away” emotionally. Things like family, sports, hanging out with friends… in short – enjoying everything beautiful life has to offer.

Finally! Something happened that woke me. I met a girl 6 months ago and we’re in a relationship now. I really like her – heck, I love her. However, she thinks that I watch it from time to time – at least that’s what I told her. I’m so ashamed that I lied to her. In truth, I was doing it when she was working, when she was shopping – even when she was in a shower! “edward”, you’re so right. Although I have feelings for her, everything seems to blow out when porn comes to my mind. And that happens like every 10 minutes. When we make love there’s no emotions in me. It’s just mechanic. I think about porn stars and women I have seen on the street rather then her…

However. I’m in my fifth day of not watching it. Still thinking about it though. But I believe that’s normal. I have been abusing it for so long that I cannot stop and “heal” myself in a week. If you’re doing something for so long it becomes a part of you. But I’m determined I will succeed. Although I don’t see anything wrong with porn (speaking in moral terms), consequences are just too heavy. It’s no way to live at all. No emotions, no happiness, no love. To me it brought only shame, shame and more shame. That lead to depression and extremely low self-esteem. My life is nothing that it could be and nothing that it once was. Hopefully not for long…

“L”, my advice – talk to him. You’re suffering although you haven’t done anything wrong. There’s no better thing in life then talking to our loved ones. It can solve any problem if there’s only a tiny seed of a wish to solve it.

Best wishes to all