The filth and fury cycle of watching porn - C's story

Submitted by a reader on Thu, 07/01/2010 - 00:08

a reader's picture

This is probably something that many if not most might have experienced at some point or the other in this compulsive addiction.

Each time we indulge in a guilt laden session of satisfying ourselves, we start banging our heads. As soon as the guilty feeling has sunk in, we feel the need to suddenly talk about it, maybe write it all down in a diary, talk to ourselves, talk to the Almighty just so that we can feel good about and there by probably make another commitment, another empty promise to ourselves to not indulge in it any more, only to fall back again.

A few hours later, maybe a few days, possibly even a few weeks or months later, we find ourselves back in the loop and the process starts all over again, depending on the level or the intensity of the addiction of each individual.

I have been through this several times in the past and have come to realize what Jason says, that more than anything we need a full proof plan, one that not only has determination or will power but some practical steps to back it all up, so as to divert the mind. Sheer will power alone will not help us attain complete freedom because the thoughts will keep lingering on and it only takes one step to fall back, but when we have better rather fruitful activities to indulge in it certainly helps a great deal.

I think that the process of cursing ourselves just right after is just a fiery reaction that happens in the heat of the moment, and we just feel a renewed sense of vigour to beat the habit just right then, but it all fades away when we are faced with the same situation again.

Many in this forum are probably shy, introvert and have a reserved nature, hence find this as a means or a medium to pass their time and let it all out, but it’s when it becomes the end rather than the means that the habit really manifests itself in the form of an addiction.

I haven’t been a full blown addict but have been habituated to this; however the last 6 months have been pretty sober with the odd slip happening, but it’s only made me realize why it happens and where I’m going wrong. I suppose unlike substance addiction this one’s got more to do with the mind and so it keeps playing on all the time.

I can say that I’m now slowly but surely learning more and more about the recovery process, as has been mentioned by Jason & others on this blog, that each time we get into it, there’s more to learn and perhaps the best way out is not to beat one self up but to pick up the pieces and move forward with a more solid approach.

Hope that most can get over this in the New Year!!!

Thank you C for this thoughtful input - I couldn't put it better myself :)

It's completely true that a big part of beating porn addiction is learning how to manage slips. These occurrences don't have to bounce us right back to square one. We can take something positive from the experience, further weakening the grasp of the habit every time. We build on our observing self; the part of us that can step back, be objective and make real change possible.

And you're right about the post-porn-session promises too. Consider the behaviour of someone with an addictive eating disorder such as bulimia. Every time they act out, they expect a double hit. Planning, shopping and gorging on food provides the first, fleeting sensation of pleasure and control. This is followed by the throwing up ritual, which instantly delivers the sensation of a nice flat stomach and the hit of feeling great.

For many men who struggle with porn addiction, their post-session ritual consists of 'never again' promises, clearing their internet history and deleting their porn stash. Good intentions indeed, but they inevitably seem to repeat exactly the same process over and over again.

It's almost as if we are expecting and seeking that 'double hit' from porn. The filth and the fury, if you like. That's why a deliberate action plan and wider perspective is so essential for breaking a porn habit.

It's great to hear that you are finding this blog helpful, and here's wishing every reader success in 2010!

In my opinion thats one of the major unspoken negative consequences of using & viewing porn that we shame ourselves, we bring humiliation on ourselves, we numb ourselves (desensitize ) out, we use porn as pain relief or escapism, use porn as avoidance, we bring further anxiety on ourselves,etc. Its quite a long list of things.

My experience of getting freer from porn is that at times you have to hit rock bottom before you finally reach a point were you really decide you want to end this dreadful cycle of behavior. I reached a point of being so totally and utterly sick & tired of porn, it just bored me to death. I reached a point of finding porn boring, meaningless waste of time, so much so that I even stopped being interested in it.

Yet another conclusion I reached about using porn, is that using porn or at least having a porn habit (porn obsession) is about not being able to love myself enough. I felt using porn was (still is) a personal weakness born out of not loving myself enough, because the one thing that using porn does terrible damage too is our (my) self esteem. If I am correct in this opinion then the opposite must also be true. NOT indulging in porn is actually paradoxically about loving yourself in a healthy way (hope that makes sense) ??

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the emotions wathcing porn is so hard, its like being alive, but it not worth

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The motivation (reasons) for viewing & using porn are 100% irrational and are driven by our need to avoid difficult feelings or difficult life situations, combined with our pent up libido. i.e. repression and we do this too ourselves nobody else is to blame. Using porn is nothing more than self flagelation, & ultimately its ourselves we end up hurting.

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Couldn't agree with you all more...you're right Alex...We simply don't want to face the dfficult situations of life and in a bid to avoid them we escape into the world of unreal fantasy which has nothing but shame at the end of it, where the ultimate reward is guilt.

C's & Jason's observations are pinpoint accurate, in that we want to indulge in it as well as want to feel bad about it as well, once we have done so, two sides of the same coin, as you may say, or like a double edged sword. I think the real challenge is in facing upto those difficult situations in life, unles we don't learn to face them, it's hard to beat this and you do need a comprehensive action plan, if you're using wil power great...but the question is what more are you doing...how will you utilise the time that you would normally spend on this habit???...

I think that, this is a great forum, and my simple advice to people out here is, that each time you feel the urge, come onto this Blog and read the posts by various like minded people, maybe write something your self and you'll find the urge just disappearing...Trust me it works...it has for me, it may not for all...but worth giving it a try..

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Using porn is like the ultimate & perfect storm!! How so?

**for the porm makers they can just make the stuff (images or movies) upload it to the internet and start making millions of pounds (dollars) right away. They make mega millions and believe me they do, its an ideal money making method which is totally reliable because they aim to make dependent people who get obsessed their porn whilst they make incredible profits (porn is nothing more than a global money making machine).

**Mean while the porn consumers have access to the most mindbending array of porn ever in history of the human race. All this at the click of a mouse button, little wonder it becomes such a compulsion. And finally nobody forces us to use porn & end up feeling bad about ourselves we do it all too ourselves.

**Porn is nothing more than self flagelation (should we really feel sorry for people that beat themselves up and then feel bad because they have pain). I think we need compassion for people who use porn. YES! I include myself here. Most of the time I just needed some loving kindness and a hug but had nobody to give those things too me thus I reached for the porn. Porn is sometimes a way to avoid the pain of being single, alone and lonely but it has the opposite effect it just leaves you feeling more lonely & more ugly & undesirable. It adds pain on pain or numbs the pain for a short time only.

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porn is nothing but a sin -- yet people especially the youth are keep watching on it (including myself) i really want to stop this worse habit that i have eversince, yet it ends up with a broken promise,.. yes, a guilty pleasure it is... really guilt.

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[...] New Life can be found at http://www.KickPorn.com and http://www.KickPornBlog.com.Related blog postsThe filth and fury cycle of watching porn ? C's story | quit porn ...Porn is my escape mechanism ? BG's story | quit porn addictionI could be using my time better ? [...]

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im gonna do my best to stop watching porn starting today.getting sick of the guilt and pain and weakness that the aftermath brings.a confidante like your pastor and a website like this really helps.

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also,im trying to install a blocker on my computer.just fed up of the consequences of this mental adultery,dillusionary thinking,and objectifying of women.My viewing compulsion led to the ending of my marriage a few years ago and the breakup of a recent relationship.a website like this really helps to vent when even remotely tempted.

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The good thing about this site is that if we really want to, we can see the other person's side. I am a woman married to a guy that seems like can't stay away from porn. I have always tried to be there for him but he never opened up to me so I never knew how he feels. Reading your opinions and feelings on this site, it helps me understand him more.
And all guys that are in a relationship should read our posts and try to understand how we partners feel.
I can not get my husband to come to this site but at least you guys help me understand him more. And maybe there is nothing I can do, because that's his problem and he should work on it, but least I know how it feels now.
Thank you Jason and Alex and all you guys!!!!!

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This site has helped me refrain from watching porn for almost a week now!
L,I was married a few years ago but continually viewed porn while my ex-wife was at work.the habit gradually eroded my respect for her and myself.I was lying to her and myself,and my behavior towards her was mainly to satisfy myself by using her as a sex object.My behavior nowadays is not who I really am.I am changing that behavior albeit slowly and also,the thought patterns.Good luck to all the guys here and also the wives of the guys who are addicted to porn.Once again,thank you,L, for posting!

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Hey edward, a week is awesome.Keep it up!!!Your doing great.
Reading your post it made me think. You said you were using your wife as a sexual object. I've read that from a few other people. How did you do that? Like how would I know if my husband is using me as a sex object?

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thanks L.it's been a week now!no porn.no instant gratification if you know what i mean...using your wife as a sex object CAN be as follows:using mental adultery(imagining she being someone else,i.e...porn star from a scene or from a girl you just saw on the street,while making love to her)...being very aggressive with your wife when you are horny but she isnt,akin to using her as vessel just to reach your own orgasm....no feelings of love for her or emotions or joy while having sex...foreplay is almost non-existent.....the above are just examples of the times i took her for granted due to my porn addiction during our marriage....you may or may not agree....just my 2 cents.....good luck to all struggling with this addiction....it can be beaten with constructive outlets.

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Hey edward before you know it its going to be two weeks and sa month and so on. It seems like your doing it for the right reasons. I'm sure you will suceed!!!
The reason I asked about what did you mean was because I've seen a change in our sex life. For years it wasn't often at all, maybe once a week or so.
Recently he has been porn free for around a month, sex is very often, every day but its different. Its very quick and plain. I guess that's how he is replacing the easy quick solution from porn.

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yup...gonna go for 2 weeks now,lol!tks for your supportive words!"its very quick and plain.I guess that's how he is replacing the easy quick solution from porn".....L,....imo,...you just answered your own question.....also,it seems to me he is being impulsive and just objectifying you for the most part....little or no joy,love,emotion,or feelings involved when making love....I could be wrong though.Ultimately,L,its up to you to analyze.Do you feel cold n impersonal afterwards?

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Well he always felt kinda cold, like something was missing. And yes afterwards it feel even colder. I guess for the past few weeks I was happy that at least he was touching me and not wake up in the middle of the night and spend hours looking at porn, after telling me he was tired before going to bed.
I feel disgusted with myself. When I met him 3 years ago, I was an attractive, confident woman that had high respect for herself. Now, only three years later I am happy that a 10years older man touches me.I keep saying to myself that I am still attractive, I have a great career, graduate student..but it doesn't work.
One time I looked at the videos he had watched, these girls were not even close to my looks and physics, they were younger, yes, but they were nowhere close to my looks..and yet I felt threatened by them. I hate myself for feeling threatened, I have never felt this way before.

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Yes,...L...,IMHO,....you are the victim of MENTAL ADULTERY,..BUT dont "BE" the victim.Be proactive.Have a heart to heart talk with your husband regarding your feelings.suggest counselling for him.or go to counselling yourself...Your situation reminds me of how I was kinda treating my ex...Im glad that we separated...it gave time to do some soul searching...reflection...acceptance...and most of all,trying to change,control,and better myself.....Good luck.

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well,just about to pass the 2 week mark! gonna go for 1 month now! i even put my laptop back in my room,but still no temptation to view porn unlike a couple of months ago.reading the bible and praying before and after sleeping really helps.also,im too busy surfing the net for any info regarding aviation since i'm currently attending a pilot training school......good luck to all on this site......cheers....edward

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Huh... here's my story...

I'm so glad I found out about the "porn addiction" term. I never knew this could be my problem. I'm 25 and was abusing it for 10 years now - last 6 very intense. Every day. If I had 5 minutes of spare time I was doing it. In this 6 years I lost interests in almost everything but porn. I still have desires and ideas to do my "pre-porn" hobbies and things, but they seem "so far away" emotionally. Things like family, sports, hanging out with friends... in short - enjoying everything beautiful life has to offer.

Finally! Something happened that woke me. I met a girl 6 months ago and we're in a relationship now. I really like her - heck, I love her. However, she thinks that I watch it from time to time - at least that's what I told her. I'm so ashamed that I lied to her. In truth, I was doing it when she was working, when she was shopping - even when she was in a shower! "edward", you're so right. Although I have feelings for her, everything seems to blow out when porn comes to my mind. And that happens like every 10 minutes. When we make love there's no emotions in me. It's just mechanic. I think about porn stars and women I have seen on the street rather then her...

However. I'm in my fifth day of not watching it. Still thinking about it though. But I believe that's normal. I have been abusing it for so long that I cannot stop and "heal" myself in a week. If you're doing something for so long it becomes a part of you. But I'm determined I will succeed. Although I don't see anything wrong with porn (speaking in moral terms), consequences are just too heavy. It's no way to live at all. No emotions, no happiness, no love. To me it brought only shame, shame and more shame. That lead to depression and extremely low self-esteem. My life is nothing that it could be and nothing that it once was. Hopefully not for long... :)

"L", my advice - talk to him. You're suffering although you haven't done anything wrong. There's no better thing in life then talking to our loved ones. It can solve any problem if there's only a tiny seed of a wish to solve it.

Best wishes to all ;)

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Such valuable insights on this thread - thank you all!

edward - I think you summed up the way that we objectify our partners really well. So many readers, guys struggling with porn and their wives and girlfriends, will recognise these telltale signs. When we're obsessed with porn, sex with our partners becomes an extension of the whole porn ritual, and intimacy goes right out the window. And we're too wrapped up in our fantasies to think or care; we kid ourselves that she won't notice any difference.

Much respect to you for your progress and determination!

L - I'm pleased that you are finding this site supportive. It really does help to read other people's stories and get a wide perspective on the whole issue.

You are right that your husband needs to get real and take responsibility for making changes. But even if he doesn't, you are entitled to your own healing. Realising that his habit is not a reaction to you is big part of this. The problem remains, but at least you can see through a lot of the blame and self-disgust that you have experienced. You can feel more confident in deciding how to approach the whole mess.

innuendo - It's true that the deeper we get into compulsive porn use, old pre-porn interests just don't do it for us. In psychology terms, we've forged an overriding new reward system; for fun and escapism, the brain goes shopping for internet porn. There's the old psychology term "neurons that fire together, wire together". When we're spending time every day masturbating to porn, we're training our brain in this way. And old reward systems (hobbies, creative interests, socialising) get untrained and fall by the wayside. They feel too "far away"; the pathways to pleasure have become overgrown and abandoned.

The good news is that all this training can be reversed; every time you opt not to do porn, the reflex is a little bit weakened. Generally speaking, it takes several weeks for equilibrium to be restored. Thinking about porn is natural and fine, and you can learn that it doesn't mean you have to act on it. Memories of the old habit can just float by on their own; it's actually quite a nice feeling. And if you get proactive and seek out new ways to fill emotional needs, you'll avoid the withdrawal/cold turkey trap. Good luck!

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Jason and innuendo.Thank you for your additional insights,elaborations,and perspectives.couldn't have said it better myself.You guys are so right.thanks again.

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Hi. Ed how you doing? Still doing good? How is the pilot classes going?
I am not doing so good. Its been three months that my husband hasn't watched porn( that's what he says). Sex is still mechanic, no foreplay, no feelings, just bend me over and get over with it. I admit it I like quickies but I feel like a doll.
Jason, is it possible that a guy would go back to being a normal loving human being after stopping watching porn? I'm having a hard time believing it.

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Hi L

I have seen couples completely recover their sexual relationships after a long struggle with porn issues - possibly with more intimacy than before. In many ways, it's an essential part of the healing from porn addiction. But it is a long term process; continuing to face up to deeper issues after the porn habit has been overcome.

I wonder whether there are any indicators that he is making positive changes? Maybe he's managing to steer clear from porn, but through white knuckles and resentment. Ideally, he'll replace the old obsession with a more pro-relationship outlook; learning to appreciate your feelings again. All of this requires complete buy-in on his part though. He needs to comprehend the problem.

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Hi L.Im doing ok.Classes are going along fine.2x a week after work.Cheer up L...All I can say to advise you,Jason summed it up in his entire response.It is a long term process...good luck and keep updating.

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I'm in my ninth day of not watching it. I'm slowly seeing and what's more important, feeling improvements. Bit by bit. I'm more relaxed. I think mainly because I'm not hiding anything any more. I even talked to my girlfriend about it. And she shocked me! She said, "it's all right, you're doing the best you can. You're on your way to stop".

"L", perhaps you should think about Jason's "sum up": "neurons that fire together, wire together". It's like an iron shirt - you can't get it down so easy. When you're objectifying others for a long period of time, your brain just gets used to it. I'm talking from my own experience. However. I believe he can become a loving human being again. I can see it in myself. We all are good in our essence. There's just one difference between all of us - one gets disturbed on his/her life path, one doesn't. And that's what porn is. A disturbion that can be avoided as all other disturbions can.

Thank you all for your replies. I can't believe you're keeping up to date. I really like it since I don't have many people in my surroundings to debate this in a more serious matter. Cheers! ;)

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Edward,
I'm glad your doing good. Keep being good!!

Innuendo,
If you want a piece of advice from a woman that has been dealing with this for a long time, DO what you promised to do. Its great that your girlfriend is supportive, believe me she won't be as much if you have the same conversation for 5 or more years. Its great that you were open and honest with her, not everybody is like that. I'm sure she values that too.
Another thing I want to say to you is : Do this for yourself first, then for her. Its great that you guys have been doing great together, but you should do it for you first!!!!

As far as me and my husband..I've seen changes in him. He is more relaxed, more focused on his daily tasks. That's why I haven't said anything about the sex thing, I don't want to discourage him for now. I guess the longer you are dependent to porn, the longer it takes it to go back to normal. See..I don't even know what the real him is cause when I met him he already was dependant to porn. He said he has been since 13 and he is 35 now.
I'm trying to do the best for us. I'm being patient.

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I am truly humbled by the honesty and the reality posted on here...i am still reading and its amazing how i relate to each and everyone's stories. Wow

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