I'm desperate to give up porn - JJ's story
I am desperate to quit. I think I know why I watch; anxiety, loneliness, insecurity. For the briefest moment porn seems to medicate these intensely painful feelings away.
But they return, and are possibly intensified by the shame and guilt of watching porn. I find it so hard to substitute porn for creative pursuits, or things which add value and meaning to my life: healthy relationships, non-destructive activities.
I am usually at my loneliest when I succumb. I am often deeply critical of myself for watching porn, and this in turn adds to a hopeless sense of being unable to change. This time I really want to change my habits. Any messages of support greatly appreciated.
Hi JJ,
Your description of the porn attraction cycle is spot on. Brain-scan research shows that the part of our brain which processes fear and anxiety (the amygdala) is quietened by sexual stimulation, and actually shuts down at the point of orgasm. For that brief moment, viewing porn and masturbating gives us a fleeting escape from our worries.
Inevitably, the bad feelings pile up again, exacerbated by shame and regret, and the whole routine starts over again.
But when we're experiencing the rush of porn anticipation, we feel like we're in control. Through the safety, anonymity and convenience of the internet, we get to journey into oblivion for a while. Getting off to porn can become our default reward system, and the activities or interests we used to enjoy just don't seem to cut it any more.
So when we're working to kick the habit, rediscovering creativity and connecting with other people is essential. It's all about restoring balance, and getting our emotional needs met in more positive ways. Replacing porn obsession with useful habits.
Hopefully you'll find it helpful to recognise that your porn habit developed with a positive intent. Yes it backfired and became an obstacle in life, just as so many of us have experienced. But you can learn to forgive yourself for this natural chain of events, and take real steps to move on. It's perfectly possible and I witness people doing it every day.
To find out more about the brain's response to porn and masturbation, this article is interesting. For further advice on overcoming the habit, my porn addiction quit plan is recommended.
I wish you every success!
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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JJ - I've been where you are,
JJ - I've been where you are, and I'm still there, but it's improving. One thing to try and avoid for me is the feeling that I have to stop looking at porn forever and forever - that's 50 odd years in one fell swoop to deal with. I tried that, cold turkey, numerous times only to fall back into the habit.
Currently, I've gotten to a point where fear is my motivator - I am deeply concerned about not just my relationship health but my sexual and mental and emotional health should I continue with my porn habit. I still hope to heal. I realize I may look at porn again someday, but if I can avoid it for a while and then have a crash, I need to accept it because it might happen.
I find the longer I'm away from porn the more fun I have interacting with women, so that is a motivator, and also I just feel more in control of my life - realistic control rather than the fake control I have often felt when I fire up the internet. I am gaining confidence to deal with some of the stressors of life in a more realistic way, not that I consider myself healthy now, but improved.
It takes effort, support (from a therapist and a friend or two - I don't go into the details, I just say I have a porn problem ... most people get it, especially guys because many can at least relate a bit to the temptation) but improvement can happen. Try not to do it alone because silence can be another temptation - the appeal of the do-it-yourself-pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstrap approach that one in a thousand can actually pull off and the other 999 of us are best served some other way - talking about it and making an effort to develop some connections with others and strengthen them.
Good luck
JJ, Anxiety, Loneliness,
JJ,
Anxiety, Loneliness, Insecurity strike similar chords with all of us here who struggle with this obstacle. Guilt and Shame are all by-products of what comes after, a sort of an emotional baggage. We're all critical because we know we've wasted away indulging in this habit, unfortunately we become obsessed with this habit, that our desires know no bounds and in this age, as Jason rightly points out, easy access of porn at the click of a button only gives us the license to go on a road trip into a world, an oblivion of pure fantasy and once the need is satisfied, reality hits us harder than fantasy and suddenly we tend to think of just how better we could have utilised that time.
Many, if not most of us here, have realised that the problem is so deeply ingrained in us that inspite of all the guilt, shame, self criticism and promises that we make, we continue to fall back on this because it becomes "The END RATHER THAN THE MEANS" by which we keep ourselves entertained. We feel that if we've never socialised, if we've never interacted with the opposite sex, then we'll never get there at all, so why make an effort when you can just sit at home and watch paid models and be happy.
E makes a valid point, this can't be beaten over night, you just need to work your self through it. Cold Turkey will only soothe you temproarily but it's not a permanent fix. Till a year back I would indulge in this 3-4 times a week, maybe 8 -10 times a month. Now it's down to maybe 12 times in the last year or so. I've learnt so much more about the habit now that I ever did, I'm out of the "Self Denial" mode now and am making better efforts.
I've come to realize that I can't just say "NO" and stop for the next 10 years,though I would be delighted if I actually did, because I will stumble, but I can certainly get through 10 months without it and take it from there. Stumbling is part of the process, it's where you fall only to gain greater insight into the habit.
All I can say is that a year back I stumbled on this blog and have improved tremendously, please keep visiting this blog and it will be helpful to you as well. Connecting with women is a challenge for me , but I can't be completely disconnected either from the opposite sex, so an effort is required.
You've come this far to narrate your story which shows that there is an intent, but no adequate action to back up that intent. Once you've put that in place you'll be on course to beta this.
Good Luck!!!...
Hello JJ, I can very very
Hello JJ,
I can very very strongly relate to your story, I can really empathize & sympathize with your situation. The first thing I would like to say to you, is that you must stop beating yourself up for watching or using porn. Beating yourself up is not going to be constructive here. Try to forgive yourself, have some compassion for yourself, why? because feelings of insecurity are horrible & difficult, nobody likes to feel truly lonely & not understood, you are NOT a bad person just because you have used porn. Using porn is only an emotional crutch, its a form of escape or pain killer from the very difficult feelings you mentioned.
**OK! talking from past experience I have found that the more I can put a space or gap or distance between myself & internet porn the better. In order to do this I use internet content filtering to filter out adult web content but this leaves free the remaining parts of the internet. I use OpenDNS they provide a very high quality FREE account which gives you your own dashboard, on the dashboard you can set advanced features including content filtering (there are up to x30 different categories to choose from such as adult themes, swimwear & bikini, pornography, nudity, hate, violence, guns & weapons etc you get the idea. You have a password & username so you have control of this, its not imposed from outside or anyone else.
**I found counseling or personal therapy that along with OpenDNS content filtering very very helpful. This helped me deal with or just face up to my feelings and has been very cathartic & healing expereicne. Its helped me to reach the true root causes of my difficulties. And as a result the pain & distress I once felt & which fueled my porn habit dropped away slowly, & even if I do slip occasionally I don't beat the crap out of myself .
**Sharing here on this website has helped me see & understand that I will always have a weakness or be vulnerable to the pull of pornography & that for me its better to avoid porn as much as I can for my own sense of happiness & well being.
**If you can move away from using porn then again its helpful to aim to fill up the space left by using porn (screen time as it were) with activities that bring you into contact with others. Be that some kind of sports like swimming or jogging, or football whatever it is, especially good is social events that bring you into contact with women or girls of your own age. Making new friends will help you leave porn behind. You know at the end of the day porn is not hat important in the wider scheme of life.
**Porn is only a kind of comfort blanket but sadly its a fake one. Because we are always left coming back to our real deep feelings in the end. When the porn pain killer has worn off. We always come back to who we really are once any drug or habit has worn off. We have to face our feelings in the end no matter what.
Dear anyone I've been
Dear anyone
I've been thinking alot lately. I've been thinking about love and friendship. I've realized that they are really the same thing. You have to love your friends inorder to keep them. But I've also realized that I no longer feel love for girls my age, heck I don't even like them. All I feel is lust or nothingness, emptiness. I feel like my soul has been slowly sucked out of my body. Porn was the straw and I was the suction because this is my fault. I've never really said it but as my "mask" drops I am realizing the cost of porn. It's not just your time or money, no that would be too simple. The true cost is your soul. Where once I was so full of life, now I'm so dead to it. I could go on and on but I don't feel like it. I just feel like sleeping and watching porn. I'm a broken 16 year old kid who has lost his soul and is slowly lossing his mind. You see the only way for me to excape my pain is to not think. I once thought such deep thoughts but now I stay as shallow as possible. Ive pushed away every friend I've ever had. I've cut my self off from everyone in every way except physically. I act happy and go places with them and tell them I enjoied it but didn't. I constiantly make fun of my friends to make sure they don't tell me anything deep. I've done all this for a few pictures that mean nothing to me. I mean nothing to me. You see my life is truely worthless because I've wasted so much.
JJ, Everything that Alex
JJ,
Everything that Alex says is absolutely true and I have come to realise the same. JJ, you need put practical steps in place. No point beating yourself up, just accept and make a better effort with a lot more conviction and determination. As you go along you will learn more about the habit and understand in deeper detail. There's no quick fix, just a slow step by step approach. Good Luck.
Alex,
I 've been following your comments on this blog for a while now and I must say that you capture almost evey minute detail about the way this habit pans out and the ways to get away from it. Just like many others I too have been struggling with this for a long time now, however I would like to think that I've gained greater control over it and that I understand it better now than ever before.
Going by your experience I would like to understand a little more about beating this, if you would be kind enough to share your thoughts with me at a personal level, only if you're ok with it. I'd be happy to mail you seperately, if you're fine, as I feel the need to speak to some one about this.
A few words of advice would go a long way in helping me beating away the blues on this habit.
Regards
D.
Hello Z, OK! I'd like to
Hello Z,
OK! I'd like to reply to what you said in your last comments.
No.1 You must love yourself first and foremost above & beyond everything else. why? because you cannot love others until & unless you learn to love you (faults and all).
No.2 If you learn to accept yourself you will then be able to fully accept others including their faults too.
No.3 YES! your right having friends (i.e. close friends) does indeed require that you love them, & allow them to see who you really are & to allow them to love you back. But its important to understand the distinction between self love & the love involved in friendship because they are NOT the same things. I think you are confusing x2 different emotional qualities or states.
No.4 At aged 16 years old you are still in the middle of puberty, puberty is a major life changing process, its a rite of passage. And we tend to be very taken up & fascinated by sexual matters & sexual feelings. Our bodies under go major changes too, puberty is often full of conflicting feelings, inner turmoil, chaos, changes & confusion, depression etc. I remember the dreadful struggle I had with myself in those years. There is 100% Nothing WRONG with your soul and I doubt that you have lost it. If you had lost your soul you would have lost your sanity along with it, clearly you haven't!! I'm NOT denying your pain or distress or unhappiness for a second that much is completely real I can see that from what you have written.
No.5 Using porn is a clear symptom "of NOT loving yourself" enough. People who love themselves enough don't need to use porn to numb themselves out.
No.6 OK! Z your really really hurting but doing porn to numb out your pain is 100% NOT going to help you overcome what ever the original pain is about in the first place. Porn is only a form of pain killer and your taking massive doses right now. You may or may not understand or know what these feelings are about, they may be conscious but they may be below conscious awareness (unconscious). Isolating yourself or cutting yourself off from others is a very dangerous & very unhealthy position to put yourself in. Human contact & getting yourself re-grounded is very important, getting some loving contact is also vital.
In reply to D, For me its
In reply to D,
For me its an honor to be asked. I'd be happy to help you in whatever way I can (i.e. being a buddy to use a horrible American word!!) so the answer is YES! Please bear in mind I'm not claiming to have ALL the answers here but I am happy to share my experience & various insights. To offer support to you in your struggle if that would be of help.
NOTE:- OK! some practical privacy stuff. Can you contact Jason as he will pass on to you with my permission my email address. This is only because when my email address was previously put into the public domain I received a Tsunami of spam & junk email, its nothing personal to you D I hope that makes sense? Its just the need to retain some privacy from the spammers. Hope to hear from you in the near future D look forward to that, Alex.
As I have said on many
As I have said on many occasions before on this website, the problem with porn. Is NOT porn but our relationship to porn!!? You can liken it to the subject of money, how you make your money, how you keep your money or how you spend your money depends entirely on your relationship with money. Porn is exactly the same. Its about what role porn plays in your life & why it plays that role. YES! These are searching questions perhaps with no easy or quick answers. But these are value questions to ask never the less.
Bear in mind that porn is a
Bear in mind that porn is a hugely paradoxical subject to deal with, porn is from my experience almost always the complete the opposite of that which it appears to be. It can be very confusing, it can be confounding, its many many things.
Alex, Thanks, that's
Alex,
Thanks, that's great. I will request Jason for your contact and touch base with you, it would be nice to get some answers from you, and NO I don't expect you to have All the answers. I'd be happy to learn from your insights and see what I can incorporate in my recovery plan.
I look forward too.
D.
If you use porn (internet
If you use porn (internet porn especially) then have absolutely no! illusions that the pornographers & porn industry, porn production companies are all aiming to hook you, their sole aim in life is to create "dependent" users & consumers. This is actually a fact, the porn industry aims to hook users so they can sell products & service to people.
Therefore the porn companies are in part 50% responsible for creating these porn dependent people, people like us, people like you reading this, & me writing this!!. The remaining 50% of the responsibility for our porn consumption is down to you or me, us. This is because we are not passive victims here, we do have a choice at some level when it comes to what we choose to look at online or else where.
Dear Alex Maybe you are
Dear Alex
Maybe you are right, but right now I feel like the closer a bond I make, the more likely I am to hurt others more. It most likely is very dangerous but could it be worse than hurting someone close? And as for my soul,how come I feel nothing? I just seem to mimic the emotions of others and as for my emotions I rarely ever feel them except for one. Hate burns like fire in my heart. And it comes so quick that I don't have anytime to bottle it. I no longer feel guilt either. Except when I lie, which is ironic because the guy everyone knows is a lie. As for loving myself; I simply can't. Not after porn. Not after watching countless faces having sex without even so much as caring about their name. No I will never forgive myself because my offense isn't simply against me, but against my future wife(if I have one) and against anyone who loves me. I've thought long and hard on my addiction. And I can see no hope any more. Except one small ray. I've asked someone who once talked to me about his struggle with porn; how to quit. I've still recived no response but I'm half way hopeful.
Hello again Z, In
Hello again Z,
In response
Quote:- I feel like the closer a bond I make, the more likely I am to hurt others more.
Answer:- to love & be loved involves risk, its really that simple. If you risk nothing you receive nothing, you remain stuck, you remain safe perhaps but you remain isolated.
**You cannot go through life worrying about how much you may or may not hurt someone else, or worry about how much you may get hurt yourself. If you worry all the time about these issues you remain paralyzed, its just like trying to think about how you put each foot down so you can walk. The more you think about it the less it happens, or its like drumming you have to feel the rhythmic pattern in order to play it, the moment you think about it is the precise moment you loose it. You cannot "think" about walking you do it with your body NOT your head (mental processes).
**Quote:- And as for my soul,how come I feel nothing?
ANS:- This is because you have numbed yourself out with the anesthetic of porn, porn acts just like a pain killer it damps down your feelings. Your numbed out that's why, this effect can last a quite a long time & the more porn you do the longer it lasts.
**Quote: I rarely ever feel them except for one. Hate burns like fire in my heart. And it comes so quick that I don’t have anytime to bottle it.
ANS:- Ah ha!! you DO FEEL something then??, YES! ANGER & HATE are fine, these need a safe place to be allowed out, to be contained creatively so to speak, anger is a good emotion to have, and anger is an extremely common or frequent feeling during puberty (rite of passage). There is I believe a direct relationship between mans anger & their use of porn!!?
**Letting out your hate, rage & anger will lead you to healing & in turn will lead you to open your heart, its your heart that's wounded right now IMO. Love comes after anger is released safely, the heart can then soften & open like a flower in the sunshine.
Quote:- As for loving myself; I simply can’t.
Answer:- Perhaps you dare not allow yourself to see what a lovely person you really might be deep down. I don't believe for a second that your not a lovely lovable person. I dare you to try to love yourself? just see what happens or how that might feel.
Quote: No I will never forgive myself because my offense isn’t simply against me, but against my future wife(if I have one) and against anyone who loves me.
Answer: This is utter non sense, its YOU who are beating yourself up nobody else.
Quote: I’ve thought long and hard on my addiction
Answer: - Its 100% NOT an addiction!! its a compulsion, or an obsession, or a habitual pattern of behavior, your NOT a victim here!! & calling something an addiction is to abdicate any personal responsibility for your own actions or choices.
Dear Alex Perhaps addiction
Dear Alex
Perhaps addiction was the wrong word to use. I know that in no way am I a victim. I did this any no one else is responsible. But I disagree about the part where porn only hurts me. Even if I quit now, I feel like I would still have to tell any future wife I would have and that knowledge could make her insecure. This website is full of stories like that. But I guess I'll try to make better friends.
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