I really want to quit porn and masturbation - S's story

Submitted by a reader on Thu, 03/09/2009 - 21:31

a reader's picture

Hi Jason, well i became addicted to porn since i was in my teens. It all started when my friends elder siblings used to put on a pornographic movie and watch without caring about our presence there.

My addiction got stronger when i began to come in contact with porn mags, which i was shown by some friends of mine. I soon began to masturbate when i was 14. Each time i got the porn mag i would lock myself up in the toilet and masturbate, as i look at the pages. Though i never had the courage to go as close to a lady as to having sex, i kept on masturbating.

I have made several attempts to quit,but only for a short period. Now i am 25yrs. I have not got married because i want to first finish my first degree at the university. However i have got so addicted to porn and masturbation that i am finding it difficult to stop.

May i stress it here that i have never had real sex with anybody? I never even had any close relationship with any girl for that matter. Pls i hereby need your advice. I only want to have sex when i get married, but i really want to quit porn and masturbation.

Thank you S for sharing your story here. A lot of people here will remember a similar introduction to porn, when it was a currency of cool amongst older kids and siblings. Porn was rude, risky, exciting and a gateway to the in-crowd. That early lesson can stick with us for a very long time.

In my book, there's nothing wrong, shameful or unhealthy about masturbation. It's fine if you do it, it's fine if you don't. But when masturbation to porn becomes a habitual form of escapism from everyday trials and tribulations, we can run into some problems. Other parts of our lives begin to suffer. And for single guys, it's true that an intense relationship with porn doesn't exactly increase our chances with the ladies. It can influence our attitudes and expectations from real sexual relationships, and not in happy way.

You've identified the issue, and now you need a realistic strategy. I'd recommend my recovery plan of course, and there are plenty of great resources to look up. When our porn habit is conflicting with another priority in our lives, like a high-pressure job or study assignment, our frustration at ourselves can become immense. We feel out of control. We tell ourselves that we MUST work or study more, and STOP doing porn. But the harder we try, the more appealing porn becomes. We're trapped in a loop of pressure and escapism.

So my advice is to focus on other, more positive ways to take time out and relieve our tensions. Socialising, walking, writing, music, gym training... whatever floats your boat. A recovery plan helps you to build good habits, and focus on doing rather than quitting. And when the time comes, you'll be better equipped to build relationships with girls too.

Ok lecture over ;) I wish you every success.

"A recovery plan helps you to build good habits, and focus on doing rather than quitting."

I wholeheartedly agree with this philosophy and approach, Jason. Whenever we try to quit something--whatever it may be, from smoking to drinking to porn--the reason we get antsy is because there's a void or a vacuum there. If we don't replace the negative behavior with positive behavior, we'll replace it with other negative behaviors or feel incredibly uncomfortable walking around with that "empty" feeling, which is what the term "white knuckling" perfectly describes.

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My approach is some what different here (I'm NOT saying your approach is bad or wrong) my view is based on the assumption that porn obsession or porn compulsions, or porn addictions call it what you like. That porn use is only a symptom of something deeper, using porn is a means of covering up or numbing out that deeper problem. However, if a person work's on discovering (i.e. uncovering) the root causes of this deeper underlying problem & the associated feelings the porn use falls away naturally bye itself.

I have stopped using porn, stopped needing porn, stopped wanting porn in my life. Have stopped having a porn dependency because I finally uncovered the root causes of my deeper issues, ever since having these insights my life has changed for the better. That doesn't mean I am not still vulnerable to the pull of porn should I stumble across it in future. But it does mean I can now start to explore how I get my real emotional needs met without porn getting in the way. To me ending a porn habit is about "letting go" & facing up to your deeper wounded-ness & the painful feelings that might go with this. This requires that we stop the numbing out process though first. Yes! it can be a catch22 situation that is true.

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My view, based on my own experience is that:

a) some times a person has to reach the depths of a porn habit, reach the bottom of his or her self inflicted behavior before finally seeing that this is not OK! & that things (me) have to change.

b) A person has to reach a point of really deeply wanting to change, finally being willing to allow inner change.

c) working with the support & help of a therapist or counselor to consolidate those changes over how ever long it may take i.e. many months possibly.

**I definitely don't see porn as an addiction (yes! it has similarities may be?) & I don't feel comfortable with the addiction treatment industry when it comes to porn. I perceive porn usage as obsession or as compulsion which is different. Porn talked of as addiction is seen through the filter of a medical model which I don't think is either appropriate or at all helpful.

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The massive, overflowing and easy availability of all kinds of porn should be seen in the same context as the easily availability of all types of alcohol, or the easily availability of drugs or of food etc. The sheer over abundance of porn makes it completely inevitable that some of us (many of us) will become obsessed or dependent upon it, in exactly the same way some people become social drinkers, binge drinkers or alcoholics, or become drug users, or become bulimic etc.

We seem to be living in an era of complete overdose of everything, of easy availability of all types of substances, an era of dependency, an era where I would suggest that despite our high levels of material wealth we are increasing less happy the more we have. The emotional hole/s inside become ever bigger & more intense, we are increasingly desperate for those things in life that enrich us, fill us up emotionally. We have become more disconnected from each other via new technologies not paradoxically better connected, the emotional loss it appears is for greater levels of real face to face connections with each other not virtual one's.

The inner hole & sense of emptiness is only made worse or more acute by using porn, when what I often wanted was just some kindness, some gentle loving, some human contact, some friendship, some reassurance and so forth. Using porn can never replace the power of contact with another person especially if that is a loving contact, porn can never be intimacy & can never replace actual intimacy. Porn can only ever be the illusion of intimacy, porn can only ever be an act of voyeurism as you watch actors pretending to be intimate but they never really are, its always faked. Therefore always leaves you more empty and at a loss than before.

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I just came across this site, but have the very same feelings as the guy who wrote this story above.

I have never had a sexual relationship with a woman or even a sexual experience. I know that this is not normal for a man of 27 years. It is not normal to watch porn at 5am every morning either. Porn is the first thing I think about when I wake up, and sometimes it fills the day if I have nothing esle to do. Which is often. So yes I have a porn addiction.

Alex you are right. I feel totally disconnected from the 'real world'. Some of the problem is just shyness, but porn has made everything worse. When I go to the local store, I can't look at the girl behind the counter in the eyes. Partly because I am shy, partly because I just want to look at her body and feel bad about that, partly because I just feel like such a lowlife that doesn't deserve to look at her.

I know that porn is fake and crappy. Maybe I didn't think this when I first got into it, but I've seen enough now to know it. I actualy feel bad about some of the girls who have to do these things to earn a few bucks. You can see the unhapiness in their eyes. But it doesn't stop me looking at porn, over and over again. Maybe a part of me even wants to see girls unhappy because I am so unhappy most of the time. Maybe porn is a form of revenge or somthing.

This is a very good website and I feel like other guys have the same problem. Alex it is good that you have everything so clear in your mind. I want to get to that stage

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Hello Roy,

I really feel for you, your story reminds me so much of myself as I used to be. Roy! you are 100% NOT low life and using porn only prolongs those kinds of negative feelings about yourself. Using porn only adds gasoline to the fire of feeling bad (if you go on using porn you will go on feeling very bad about yourself, please trust me when I tell you I used to feel like that too but since I stopped using porn I'm starting to like myself again). Roy try to reduce your porn usage as much as you can each day but don't try doing cold turkey as that wont work & only make things worse. The best approach is to try & reduce your porn consumption slowly over a longer period of time. As you reduce your porn usage try to add other activities to your day instead of doing yet more porn go out and take a walk somewhere anywhere locally,etc. Call up a friend, go to the cinema, make a meal anything, any other activity than porn. Doing porn only closes our hearts, blocks real love & disconnects us from our deeper self what I am suggesting here is to try & pursue activities that can reconnect you back with your real deeper authentic self. This is the starting process of letting go of porn. NOTE:- just because you did porn doesn't make you a bad person, please try & forgive yourself. I'm sure deep down you are a good person a lovable person, you don't need to beat yourself up in this way. With my best regards to you Roy from Alex.

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