I can't continue on this path - M's story

Submitted by a reader on Fri, 26/03/2010 - 11:53

a reader's picture

I have a porn addiction. It's ruining my marriage. It's ruining my life. I have tried to kick the habit since getting married in 2004. I seem to do really good for a while, then out of nowhere, when it feels like I have it under control, I fail again. I look just once thinking I have it beat, that I can stop, but my wife and I have had this conversation too many times. This last time, it seems like it's the last time she will put up with it, and I don't blame her. I can't put up with it any more. I used to feel like a respectable and honourable person. Now, I feel worthless, ashamed, disgusted, and embarrassed.

My wife, whom I find very attractive and beautiful, has suffered because of my problem. I have told my wife that I think she is beautiful and attractive, but she asks me "why am I not good enough for you?" because of my problem. I do not blame her for asking this question. I've told her in the past that I'm sorry for what I've done, that I will not do it again, but here we have come full circle again. My wife is a wonderful woman. I used to take pride in the fact that I made her feel better about herself. Now, I only make her feel shame, and that hurts me. It hurts me to know that I used to make her feel beautiful, attractive, and sexy. Now, only shame, disrespect, and unattractiveness.

I need help. I can't continue on this path. I cannot continue to hurt my wife, the love of my life. I'm afraid that if I can't get this under control, killing myself is the only way I can stop this. I have a beautiful wife and 5 wonderful children. Killing myself can't be an option, but it seems death is the only way I will be able to kick this habit.

Hi M,

I'd suggest that feelings of self-loathing and shame are conspiring to keep you locked into habit. As many people will attest, this loop can feel impossible to break out of. But it can be done, no matter how long or how hard you have struggled.

Let's pick up some positives here. You aren't in denial - your heartfelt writing proves this. You have experienced some relief from past efforts to quit, even if you did slip back for some reason. And your wife has stood by you with patience and tolerance, even if it's wearing thin. She needs her own recovery from this experience, and there is potential for you to work together on moving forward.

Previous attempts to quit can be used to your advantage if you can get proactive and analyse why things didn't work out. Don't criticise yourself for any failure on your part - we've all been there. Simply reflect on what you can learn. Was I trying to rely on willpower and cold turkey? Did I make the same "no more porn" promise every time? Was I just being reactive; trying to avoid feelings and temptations? Whatever you tried, it seemed right at the time. For everyone, this is a learning process of trial and error.

Your situation calls for a fresh approach. I would recommend more focus on what you want from life, and how you can achieve it. In the long-term, this is a lot more motivating than pressuring yourself to stop doing this thing. It gives you realistic targets and goals to work towards.

Another aspect of a new approach, as you have identified, is getting help. You are certainly not the first person to have thoughts of suicide over this problem. These feelings require dialogue and support from a professional therapist. For overcoming desperate thoughts, this is essential. Look someone up today.

I wish you every success in overcoming this problem, and please remember that you are not alone.

Don't think so badly about yourself man. Get some help and talk this thing through. All that advice is good. Jay

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First of all, in my opinion a happy person in a happy relationship doesn't need or even want porn. However, that statement is rather simplistic because we both know using & need to use porn is a lot more complicated & paradoxical than that.

No.1 I think trying NOT to focus so intently on "how bad a person" you are & how much you have hurt your wife would be a good start.

No.2 Focusing on how much you do love & appreciate your lovely attractive wife might help shift your feelings away from porn and help focus on how you can build or rebuild intimacy with her.

**NOTE:- You cannot have intimacy with a porn image, porn model or porn movie its just totally impossible. Intimacy & love are the very things that gets damaged the most by porn habits in relationships.

No.3 In my opinion its helpful if you realize that using pornography is motivated or fueled by something that is both sexual in nature & also completely irrational in nature. Its a feeling that drives a person to indulge once again in porn. Hence the habit bounces back just when you least expect it too!. Using porn is an irrational but chronic pattern, I see it as porn dependency not addiction, why? because this places the emphasis on the porn being a replacement or substitute for something else that is either missing, or being avoided or being denied deep down.

No.4 All I can say is that trying to avoid porn as much as possible has helped me a great deal, now a days I use OpenDNS who offer a free account that allows you to filter internet content according to up to 30 categories including porn, nudity, adult themes sexuality,etc.

OpenDNS works at the highest level of the internet so once in place no user can get around the filtering (if you choose to use this its best done as self selected & therefore it doesn't feel imposed by anyone else, therefore you are less likely to rebel against it?). There is also K9 web protection which offers a free software which can do almost the same as OpenDNS both offer useful tools to keep you away from the sources of porn.

No.5 In conjunction with No.4 I also highly recommend having some person counseling or one on one therapy (this helped me a great deal) but it need a therapist who really truly understands the struggle involved in getting free from porn dependency.

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Hi,
I'm a partner of a guy that has/had porn issues. I thought it would be good for you to see a partner's view. My husband and I are doing so much better now, he hasn't watched porn or masturbated since Jan and we are doing much better.
As a partner, porn is not the main problem, is doing it behind our backs. Open up to her, show her what you wrote here. She needs to know how you feel.
We did some things that have worked out much better than all fights we had for over two years. We got an account with covenant eyes, its a monitoring system that uses a score system for sites visited. It takes away the "privacy of using the internet. They send you and your wife a report if adult sites were visited. The point is not your wife monitoring what you do on the comp, the point is for you to know that are people can see what you do on the comp.I think the key is being open and honest with your partner.
Tell her excatly how you feel, when my husband told me after two years of arguing that he felt worthless and thinking about killing himself, I knew I had to take a differnt approach to this. This habit or addiction whatever we wanna call it doesn't make you a horrible husband, I'm sure she loves you and she will be there with you to overcome this.
Keep yourself busy, have date nights when you spend romantic time together, reconnent again.
Another thing you both should do is read. We read a lot, we both just finish " the most personal addiction" from this guy " Joe Zyckic or something, really good book.
Good luck with everything. Remember, whatever happen be open and honest with her!!! And never think about suicide again!!!

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You might try some support through the twelve steps. There is a fellowship for partners too!!
saa-recovery.org for the addict
cosa-recovery.org for the partner

I have had an outstanding experience as a result of showing up and getting honest with myself and doing some real core work around issues I was not fully aware of. The result is I have a new way of living and, although it is not always easy, I do not have to stay stuck in the trap of addiction.
I wish you all the best.

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