How much porn is healthy? SS's story

Submitted by a reader on Sun, 25/07/2010 - 09:45

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Hi, I'm a female and fairly young, I've been depressed for awhile so I spent many hours online to pass the time... but lately I've been watching a lot of porn.

I'm not sure if it's unhealthy, what amount is healthy? It doesn't even turn me on anymore. I started out watching 10 minutes and now it's like 45 minutes. I don't see it as a problem since I'm single and need it! lol. but I'm really ashamed someone might find out. My biggest concern is whether I can stop watching porn once I get a boyfriend ....should I be worried??

Hi SS,

Thanks for raising this very honest question!

Watching some porn in private isn't necessarily something to worry about or be ashamed of. In many ways, it depends on what motivates you to spend time with porn.

A lot of healthy people watch porn with their partners, or to spice up masturbation when there isn't a partner around. They regard porn as a fun, now-and-again thing that doesn't hold a great deal of importance.

There might be an issue if you use porn as a secret replacement for interacting with other people, or to shut out bad feelings. This is when it can become habitual and difficult to stop, even when you want to.

I would suggest a small experiment. Why not try to cut out porn for a few weeks? Decide on some other activities that you enjoy for spending your time and play with options. You're not doing this out of guilt or shame - it's just a test to see how it feels.

If you do find it a real struggle or you can't resist sneaking some porn, don't give yourself a hard time over it. You've just confirmed that there's some kind of habit going on, and there is plenty of advice and guidance on this site for dealing with that.

Please feel welcome to let us know how you get on!

I empathize, SS. When you've no bf it's nice to look at porn. When you start doing it every night and it gets to 45 minutes + you start wondering, have I got a problem?

In my experience, getting that bf will immediately replace any desire you had to watch porn. You won't even think about it. But after that honeymoon period is over, you can find yourself returning as a habitual response to what you're doing now. In your mind boredom relief = porn. So when you relationship becomes less exciting, your mind will start suggesting porn out of habit.

In answer to you specific question, you can't really categorize a problem by how many minutes you spend looking at porn. Maybe 45 minutes is fine, maybe it's not. It's more the reasons why you look that's important.

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In my experience with my husband he uses the computer more when he is going through a deppresion. He used to watch more porn too when he was deppressed. He said the same thing, he was bored.In our case that was not an excuse. Because waking up at night and watching porn out of boredom did not help the fact that he was pulling away from me and our sex life.
I was to watch porn too before but you know what the difference was between my usage and his??? I did not need it!!!! I watched porn here and there to help me masturbate, but I never needed porn to masturbate or have sex, I could perfectly masturbate without it. I think that's the key to understand if your porn usage is healthy or not.We put filters on the computer to help my husband with his porn problem, so I haven't watched porn in more than 6 months and I don't miss it at all..

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In my personal opinion and I stress this is my personal opinion. There is 100% no such thing as a safe level of porn consumption. Any porn viewed or consumed has an entirely negative effect on the user of that porn. Even if you don't think so, even if your not aware of the effects it has on you. The more porn you consume the more the bad (negative) effects are amplified, the more porn you consume the more oxygen & fuel you add to your porn habit (porn dependency). It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy & like quick sand you end up stuck not being able to back track, you end up with a porn habit.

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I agree with Alex on this one. Because almost everyone's addiction starts out small and they think they have it under control. But about the time you decide to quit is when you find out just how addicted you really are. So its best to stay as far from porn as possible.

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Ok Alex gotta take it easy here. Porn on itslef is not that problem, just some people can not have a healthy relationship with it. I used to watch here and there myself without having any problems. My husband on the other hand couldn't go one day without it. So here, the same thing..two different relationships with it..

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The problem with viewing or consuming ANY kind of porn is the effect it has, NOT any one single viewing session alone but the problem becomes increasingly more difficult over time with a cumulatively effect. i.e. the more porn you view or consume the worse the habit becomes, the more in-trenched the problem becomes. The harder it becomes to brake the pattern, & it does become a pattern.

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In response to F,

YES! I understand what your saying. But my point would be that each person is hard wired psychologically & emotionally speaking in a different way and that each person has a different level of need & a different level of denial. One person may not have much need of porn & therefore does not go into or indulge in emotional denial (pushing away or pushing down feelings) denial goes hand in hand with porn usage. The greater the porn usage the greater the denial, perhaps you partner is more into denial than you are? perhaps you are more able to cope with the various stresses & strains of life than your partner? The factors which under pin a persons porn use various enormously, its hard to generalize about specific factors. You are more likely to know what those factors are than me.

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Yes porn affects people in different ways. Yes I do believe there is such a thing as healthy porn usage.
But the fact that you looked it up and posted on this site kinda tells me that something inside of you knows that something is off with your porn usage. And the fact that you say that it doesn't even turn you on anymore might mean the same thing.
Why not try to stop using it for a while and see what happens?!?

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Hi,

I've reached a point in my own life that I have zero interest left in porn, its so F****ing boring I'd rather not bother with it any more. I've lost any interest, if I were to use porn again I think I would end up feeling pretty bad about myself all over again, so I'd really prefer just to feel happy and not indulge my bad habits. More & more I prefer to avoid porn in any form (format).

I use OpenDNS and I find it great because I don't even have to think about internet porn because I know I'm not going to have to deal with any full stop. I only use the internet for non porn purposes now a days. I find I'm a far far happier person as a result, I just want to feel OK! about myself so I've ditched porn, end of story! Its a choice, it was MY choice. I chose happiness over indulging my masochism.

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I have no idea how other people use porn, but my suspicion is that Alex is right about porn being unhealthy, even in small doses. To me, porn seems to promote a sexuality "outside" oneself. Rather than allowing a person to be aware of their own sexual feelings and their own internally cued likes and dislikes, porn seems to dictate what's "normal" and desirable. I think a lot of people start out watching porn that fits with these internal cues, and then wind up being controlled by the porn--seeking out things they wouldn't naturally be turned on by. And then after a while, they lose touch with that "inner voice" that guides their sexuality and, in turn, the inner voice that guides other life decisions. I don't think it's possible to compartmentalize--one area of a person's life (and sexuality is a big one) affects the other areas.

There's also an attitude that the majority of porn promotes that would cause me to stay away from even occasional users: sex as a purely casual and recreational activity, one person "doing" (or dominating) the other person rather than a mutual sharing of sexuality, women as objects, etc. The person who's even slightly attracted to that type of attitude just isn't attractive to me.

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Hello Margaux,

I have to say I agree with most of what your saying and I think there is a great deal of truth in the points you make. However, I would have to definitely disagree with you on the issue of compartmentalization.

Quote: I don’t think it’s possible to compartmentalize–one area of a person’s life (and sexuality is a big one) affects the other areas.

ANS: This is precisely & exactly what a porn user does, it forces a person into compartmentalizing parts of themselves within their own psyche & this is precisely why its so problematic & why it can even have a very very bad effect on a person mental & emotional well being. Porn can cause a schism or split in the psyche, the person ends up compartmentalizing themselves. The porn linked with emotions that a person does not wish to face or feel. These get denied or repressed into the unconscious self, it goes into one's shadow bag (pushed out of conscious awaking awareness). The numbing effect of porn is a symptom of this schism. The greater the amount of denied feelings the greater the fuel & oxygen added to the porn problem, the greater the split or schism within the self or psyche. Hope this makes sense?

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I think low levels of porn consumption (dunno ... once a month ... no exact answer) can be healthy for -some- people. It's not for me, however, or anyone who developed a serious problem with it. Or anyone who has developed a minor problem either.

If someone where to ever ask me what - kind - to watch (as the type can have an impact as well) I'd say pay some money, forget the free stuff, and find a site that does not demean the participants. One of the biggest problems for me became the actual wording on free sites used to describe the clip. "Bitch" "Slut" "Whore" etc. I started off years ago avoiding clips with these words and eventually got so fucked up that I didn't avoid them anymore. Yes, the stuff IN the clips often left me numb, but a lot of it for me was the association between these demeaning terms and the sex act. As far as I know, only reputable pay sites, perhaps by a porn star, come across as even remotely resembling a 'healthy' sexual act. Youporn, Sextube, etc. etc. - forget it.

I can't blame porn entirely, as explicit sex in and of itself doesn't seem to be harmful to watch in small doses. Perhaps it is, I don't know. But that doesn't make sense to me.

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Alex, that totally makes sense--and I agree, based not on direct experience like you have, but on what I've read about porn addiction and what I've observed in my husband and other porn addicts. But I wasn't so much talking about the compartmentalization that occurs inside a porn addict's mind. I get how someone who views porn can talk themselves into believing "this doesn't have anything to do with my relationships or the rest of my life." I'm talking about the fact that, even though there is that split in the psyche, a porn habit *does* wind up affecting other--or all--areas of the person's life--their job performance, their relationships, the way they view sex and the opposite sex. It's this compartmentalizing in the mind (and that illusion of "safety" that the compartmentalization gives) that has such a chaotic effect on every facet of the person's external circumstances. The compartmentalization simply doesn't work.

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Hi Margaux,

I think we're pretty much in agreement on this & I think we're talking about the same thing here but from slightly different view points perhaps? However, I think what your actually talking about is how the attempt to compartmentalize yourself through the process of denial (repression) doesn't work. YES! I'd have to agree with you that, compartmentalization mostly doesn't work and that the issues spill out of the psyche sideways. Whats in the shadow bag is always wanting to find expression even if this means it comes out in odd ways or in inappropriate behaviors perhaps.

**The greater the denial of feelings the greater the schism in the self, the self becomes divided but the self is always trying to become whole again. Schism or division is not the natural human condition & the psyche is always trying to find homeostasis (wholeness) & whats in the shadow self is always trying to finds to be let out.

**this is why for example there is so much violence associated with alcohol because drink loosens the ties that bind the shadow bag. All our pent up negativity, frustrations, anger, hatred, etc,etc comes out into the open.

**The difference with porn though is the negativity is turned in upon the self, denial is often emotions turned against the self rather than be expressed outwardly or openly. Masochistic rather than healthy sadism if one cans say there is such a thing as healthy sadism?

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In this site we all are people that have somehow seen the affects of porn, either by trying to quit yourself, or like in my case going through hell with my husbands habit.
Let's not forget millions of people that watch porn and don't visit this site, because they either are in denial or they don't have a porn problem.
I believe that it is possible to have a healthy relationship with porn. The same way that you drink socially but are not an alcoholic etc..
I think the fine limit between a healthy relationship and a bad one is HOW it affects your life, if you are dependent on it etc.
If you watch porn here and there..the words "slut,bitch etc" don't really put women down because that's one of the million fantasies people have. There are women that get turned on by their partners calling them that. That's nothing wrong with that, its just another fantasy..in my opinion.
Porn looks like its degrading women because their main target market is MEN. Men are visual creature that like looking at pretty women have sex..what else do men like?!? They like this, they like that..so the porn industry is trying to cover everything that different men like..to get more customers & to make more money. This is not something personal to us women.. Does the porn industry have a horrible affect in young age children that watch??? YES!!! I will agree with that!!
I think the original and simplest purpose of porn is to help ( mostly men) masturbate. Some people do use it just for that, some people abuse it..like with almost everything that we human beings come across with.
Only because we have or had a problem with porn ( me included..almost ending my marriage because of it) we can't say that its impossible to have a healthy relationship with it.

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A lot of very constructive and valid points raised here - thank you all!

There are a whole load of things I don't like about porn, in particular the 'sex is something you do to someone' message that porn increasingly puts out. I'm right with Margaux on that one. As E comments, a shift in popularity towards the more credible porn (often produced by female directors) would be no bad thing.

I also agree with F about the distinction between compulsive and non-compulsive porn use. When I mention my work, some people respond with bemusement; they watch internet porn and can't envisage how it could become problematic. It's just porn. Even if they watch it regularly, they aren't emotionally attached to porn or giving it priority. This is non-compulsive porn use.

In a way, I adopt a similar attitude when working with people who struggle with porn. I help them to explore what drove their compulsive behaviour, and how to meet their needs in more positive ways. Maybe they will need to develop sufficient self-control to never look at at porn again, or maybe not. This depends on what feels like a realistic outcome for the individual.

In supporting these changes, encouraging an 'it's just porn' outlook is quite useful. It helps to diffuse the 'allure of the forbidden'. In the porn addiction recovery community, it is unsurprising that a lot of anti-porn rallying goes on. I sometimes wonder whether this really epitomises healthy focus and positive moving onward in life, and how constructively it serves newcomers to the community.

I remember hearing research psychologist Joe Griffin explain that if our nutritional and emotional needs are met and balanced, we cannot be addicts. It sounds so simple! But I think it does help explain the many people who watch porn free from negative consequences.

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Hello everyone.

I think there's a very considerable danger of replacing porn obsession with anti-porn obsession. The underlying problems are not solved and thus the obsession continues.

For some, porn has had such a massive and negative effect we assume it must be the enemy. But by making it so, we let ourselves off the hook - porn is the bad guy, I don't need to deal with my problems. Yet if we do tackle our unmet emotional needs 'head on' the apparent porn problem can evaporate - no anger, no sense of giving something up and no need for anti-porn crusading.

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I've read the comments and come up with my conclusion. While it's true porn supresses our feelings, it is also bad. Even in small amounts I believe it's bad for the semple reason that by saying it's not that bad you could give people the wrong idea. It's kinda like drinking. It may not have any effects on you and you can control yourself, but just because your drinking habits don't effect you, it doesn't mean it won't effect others. Let's say, hypothetically, that a close friend of yours sees you drinking. He/she decides that since you don't have a problem, they won't either. A year later they are living on the streets drinking the cheapest liquor they can find living off well fair. Does that make since?

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Hi Z,

Following that rationale, wouldn't we need to condemn everything as 'bad'? Alcohol, shopping, watching TV, exercise.

I think advising people on balanced living is a better approach, and that applies to pornography too.

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I think the key is having balance in your life. I think we should all try to get to know ourselves and see what our limits are. Because I don't think there is any "one size fits all" strategy for anything. People are different and have different limits.
Let's take food for example. There are people that can eat everything they want without gaining waight. And then there are people that have weight problems. These people need to learn what and how to eat to maintain a good weight. Now these people can not blame the junk food industry for gaining weight, because they either dint know their limit or they chose to abuse with the food.

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Hello KT,

In response to your point, I think what your saying is good. Its important NOT TO kick back or become anti anything let alone anti porn. However, what I am advocating in my healing recovery appraoch to porn is NOT that we should be anti porn as such. But as an individual if staying off porn helps you thats a good thing, and that we need to respect the fact that for many people porn actually can be quite a damaging (negative thing).

My entire healing appraoch is to remove porn or the effects of porn (the pain killer, anaesthetic, numbing out) so that the individual can feel once again, that repressed emotions get faced upto & felt & expressed (released) that the root causes of problems be sorted out or solved. Thus if the person can sort out the root causes they wont need to rely on porn. In other words happy people dont need a porn crutch & dont generally need porn much if at all?

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Dear jason
There is a difference between shopping and exercising and porn. Shopping and exercising are good in moderation. but porn is not. There can be no moderation with porn. At least thats what i believe.

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Hi,

Personally, I DON'T believe there is such a thing as healthy porn consumption, I also don't believe there is such a thing as non compulsive porn use. A normal person can start off viewing & consuming porn and eventually end up with a chronic compulsive porn habit, even when they have never had a previous compulsive behaviors. Its almost as if the very nature of viewing & consuming porn creates compulsion or triggers obsessional patterns. I cannot directly or scientifically prove this but it is my opinion from experience & from talking to other people struggling with their porn usage.

Quote: There can be no moderation with porn. At least that's what i believe.
Ans: this is an opinion I share too. There is no such thing as OK! porn or good porn. All porn usage has a negative impact at some level.

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Hi Alex,

You've been honest in your posts about your own compulsive porn use. You mention above that there is no such thing as healthy porn consumption which is based on your own opinion (as a recovered/recovering porn addict) and from talking to other people struggling with their porn usage.

Might it be possible that if you spoke with people who weren't struggling with porn usage, that your opinion about the non-existence of healthy porn consumption would be different?

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I have a question. How do you tell the difference between someone in denial and someone who porn has no effect on? How can you tell if it has no effect on you? Isn't it possible that it did but only your subconscious is aware of it?

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Hello Nic

Well thanks for your comments appreciated. I still have an open mind & am willing to have the evidence for what you say presented to me. However I am also at the same time highly skeptical.

Why?

no.1) OK I'll tell you why I am severely doubtful because the ability of human beings to go into emotional denial is a universal human trait. Denial is found in ALL human cultures around the world.

no.2) Secondly porn usage by its very nature is linked directly with denial, using porn involves denial.

no.3) There is no such thing as non denying porn use as far as my experience goes.

no.4) If my analysis of porn usage is accurate then by its nature there is no such thing as healthy denial, denial is denial and its never healthy. Denial is only ever harmful in the end. Why? because denial forces difficult or hard to face up to feelings into our unconscious psyche into our shadow self. This denial is very oxygen & fuel that drives a porn habit in the first place.

No! I still don't believe you can have a healthy relationship with porn. Its not possible by the very nature & usage of porn itself. Porn is built on the foundations of exploitation and that's yet another problem with it.

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Dear Z,

To understand if your porn usage is becoming a problem I think you should look into some things like ( again, my opinion only)
1. Is your porn usage increasing from day to day?
2. Would you rather sit on the computer and watch porn than going out and doing things you used to enjoy?
3. Would you rather masturbate to porn than have sex? This is a hard question to answer for somebody that is in denial, but an easy way is to see how many times a week you watched porn and how many times you made love to your partner.
4. Can you masturbate without porn?
5. Do sexual images from porn get stuck in your head and you have flashbacks even when your not watching porn?
6. Do you feel bad after watching porn? And you can feel bad for any reason, doesn't matter why. Feeling bad is out inner way of our mind telling us that we are doing something that we shouldn't do!!!

Again, I'm not a professional..this is my opinion from what I know and read about porn.

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Hey Alex,

If this were true, surely we're all alcoholics and workaholics too, we're just in denial?

I hear a lot of experts saying that for a minority of people porn is a massive problem. For everyone else it can be part of a healthy sexual palette. Perhaps they are also all in denial, but it seems more likely that the minority of us experiencing problems simply struggle to accept that this thing controlling our existence is an insignificance to everyone else. So perhaps it's just us in denial? To paraphrase Z, how do we know?

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I wonder what is healthy? Is it feeling good about your self? Because if so I know i couldn't while doing porn. I can't stand to look at women because i always see my guilt there. I sometimes find my self lusting after my friends. My FRIENDS!!! Is this healthy? I wonder what I will feel, if i get married, when I tell my wife I love her but am looking up porn so I can have a "healthy sexual palette". I'm sorry Nic but i can't help but think that that is a cop out to allow people to still look at porn. I say get rid of porn, destroy it before it destroys you, your friends, and your family.

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Obviously there is the question of whether porn is demeaning to women or not.
But it is natural to look at people and find them sexually attractive. There's no rule that said 'the day you meet your partner, all other people will cease to exist'. I think people with a healthy sexual appetite will look, regardless - and who are we to say that they are bad or abnormal? By way of suggestion, perhaps the most important question would be 'does it harm anyone?' and if it harms yourself, your partner, your family, your job or...the people in the porn you are watching (to take this idea all the way through) - THEN, perhaps it is a problem. I really dislike this 'all or nothing' approach. There has to be a steadier, more measured and less fearful way of resolving the question of porn.

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The danger of porn is this: It is a gateway drug. Trite and cliche I know. But true.

Think of it like marijuana. You can have a bit every once in a while. It's no big deal. But before long it just becomes a habit.

But just like other drugs, you will need more and more. You can turn to harder and harder stuff. And you will get on to it more and more. Then before you know it, (and it is before you know it) you are under it's control.

Especially with porn. Why go out to meet someone if you can simply log into porn on your computer. No emotional games, no fear of rejection, you can always meet someone who is your 'type'. And no fear of STDs.

Many men would say that a woman who likes to watch porn is a great thing.
I would say "Be Careful."

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