HOCD and gay porn addiction - am I straight or gay?

Submitted by a reader on Sat, 20/02/2010 - 14:02

a reader's picture

Hello,

I have just found this website and have found its contents extremely beneficial to the hell I have been enduring in the past 2 months.

Every waking day, I was having to question my sexual orientation, which I have identified as heterosexual since childhood up until now. However, amidst all this, deep inside I knew I was heterosexual and had strong urges to be involved with women.

But this is where it gets complicated:

I am currently suffering from HOCD, a recent break-up, and my porn-addictions. The culmination of the 3 have brought me to the brink of madness.

Up until 2 months ago, I could get aroused by female pornography and anatomy. However, after compulsively masturbating for a few years, something clicked in my mind that it wasn't cutting it any more, and I concluded that heterosexual sex has become boring. Then I began the downward spiral of misery of thinking and rechecking.

Now, I have been introduced to the concept of pegging via online as a great source of a mind-blowing orgasm, and I believe it has lent to the power of HOCD and gay porn.

It is alluring for me to fantasize as my ex-girlfriend, to feel what she is feeling and what she is going through. At the same time, I have been perhaps confusing or imagining engaging in an intercourse with a guy. Depending on which mindset I was in, vulnerable/insecure (perhaps role-playing) or confident, I could get off being sodomized and being completely taken over the control or be utterly repulsed and ashamed.

At this point in time, I am so lost that I don't know what I am expressing is latent homosexuality or something else. How could imagining having sex with a guy get me off? Sometimes I get off at the idea of being with a guy while other times I am terribly repulsed. Yet, when I fantasize males going at it, or imagine myself passively engaged I get a huge rush of adrenaline and arousal while my mind objects.

Considering that my mind has been denying my homosexuality, I have tried to accept the fact that I may be gay or bisexual. However, this is not bringing much peace. Is this the effects of pornography + HOCD or do I need time to accept my sexuality?

Thank you N for sharing your situation, and raising these important questions.

For anyone who hasn't come across the term HOCD, we're talking about homosexuality anxiety. This is a recognised symptom of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Someone with HOCD may experience:

an obsessive fear of being or becoming homosexual
the experience of intrusive, unwanted mental images of homosexual behaviour
the obsessive fear that others may believe one is homosexual

A range of compulsive behaviours and rituals can develop, such as repeated efforts not to display 'camp' body language or even avoidance of members of the same sex. All of this contributes to unrelenting feelings of confusion, shame and repulsion at one's own thoughts and fantasies.

Gay people (without HOCD) can experience similar anxieties over their sexuality, but they tend to be more focussed on the social stigma issues of coming out and pursuing gay relationships. In other words, they know that they are gay. People with HOCD obsess more over the possibility that they might be gay. They experience intense conflict between their heterosexual attraction to the opposite sex and private homosexual fantasies and thoughts. This can be a source of relentless inner torment.

Now here's where pornography comes along and feeds the anxiety. A big part of the appeal of porn is the quest for novelty. When we compulsively use porn for escapism, straight images can become vanilla. Many straight guys find gay, transgender or bisexual porn increasingly alluring. The 'taboo' aspect can be very exciting, and reminds us of the breathless buzz we experienced when we first discovered porn. We get a rush of dopamine, and surprise ourselves at how much we're getting off to all kinds of homosexual fantasies.

Also, some people compulsively use porn to compensate for their shyness and lack of social confidence. Despite their attraction to the opposite sex, they might never have had a partner or sexual encounter. Rather than addressing their confidence issues, or the porn addiction that adds to their insecurity, they put two and two together to make five. No girlfriend yet and looking at gay porn? I must be gay!

So to address your question N, I'm convinced that watching (and fantasising about) gay sex cannot make a straight person gay or bisexual. And the same applies in reverse; straight porn will not make a gay person straight.

People with HOCD usually say that whilst the idea of gay sex is a turn on, they do not get aroused by meeting same sex people in the real world. Often, you might look at a guy and find him attractive. He might even remind you of an actor from a gay porn scene. So two questions:

Does his presence physically arouse you, and could you really feel attracted to having a sexual encounter with this man?
OR is the reflex of your porn habit getting you fired up, and it's not really about this guy at all?

For a test of whether you are a straight man with HOCD and porn addiction OR a gay or bisexual man in the closet, this might be as close as we can get. If you can follow the advice on this site to free yourself from your porn habit, things gradually get clearer and this test becomes easier to apply.

Now I'm not suggesting that people who obsess over gay porn can't really be gay. Absolutely anyone can find themselves addicted to porn. But I have tried to highlight how much a porn habit can contribute to HOCD or homosexuality anxiety. And there are plenty of other stressful factors, such as a recent break-up, that will only add to the emotional fog.

And there's no moral judgement going on here. Anyone, gay or straight, can sometimes find themselves enjoying a fantasy outside of their sexual orientation. Few people might admit to it, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Personally, I think it suggests an enlightened sexual imagination. But the influence of porn addiction can hijack harmless fantasy, and push us into hellish anxiety.

I hope that this perspective is helpful.

Quality post. I watch a lot of hot gay porn but have only ever had sex with girls. I have similar thoughts to you. I don't know if having sex with another man would finally answer a lot of my questions? Either I'm going to enjoy it or it will feel wrong and unnatural. Maybe a lot of this is fear of the unknown. Then I wonder if I would still want to watch gay porn after the experience.

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Like in the philosophy of Ying & Yang it has long been recognized that within every human being each person also has an element of the opposite gender within their make up. Thus males also have an element of the feminine and women also have an element of the masculine, in fact I would go so far as to say, it is this very aspect of our being that makes us whole.

I think our sexuality & our identity are bound up together but it is totally normal to explore & to question our sexual self and our sense of who we are. For some lucky people their sexual self appears more certain or even fixed, but for others more exploration or uncertainty remains. In other words its a spectrum its NOT a question of one or the other, its more subtle shades or hues of color in reality.

**Only bye sexual exploration or even making dreadful mistakes with other people (sexual encounters) and I know because I make several mistakes myself along the way myself. Can you become much clearer and more fully certain what your authentic sexual self identity is.

**I doubt that watching gay porn makes you gay, or even suggests your a closet gay person, or even bisexual. I think the truth is different from this. But porn might be able to point you in the right direction in a strange kind of way? if that makes sense.

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This is an example of the biblical phrase "sin leads to more sin". Your porn addiction has opened other doors that would have otherwise been closed. You are not gay, you are being effected by a negative force. Sin leads to more sin. Honestly, go and pray and ask God to remove your sins.

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cb is a stupid bible thumping homophobic moron who goes around websites trying to preach a retarded belief. Go pray for my dick bitch

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that whole paragraph explained my entire dilemma word for word, you sound exactly like me and my problem im serious word for freaking word, this makes me feel alot better because most people would just say that you gay and you have to face it (which puts you in mental torment)

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I have been dealing with HOCD for the majority of my life. I had an extremely traumatic experience when I was a kid right after my parents got divorced. I was hanging out with a group of friends and there idea of fun was in fact making fun of me. They would torment me and call me a faggot, gay, all sorts of homophobic antagonizing and they had no grounds to be make such accusations. They were just young kids being mean kids, and sadly I was the butt of the joke.I really didn't understand how much it affected me until the HOCD became overwhelming. I went through a really horrific break up two years ago and this is where it all started. I would have extremely homosexual thoughts pop into my mind out of nowhere, at first i was able to shrug them off and then it started to take over.

This is where it turns for the worse, this is where you begin to question every aspect of your life, your life turns into quicksand. I had convinced myself that I was gay although I didn't have a legitimate attraction to men I was convinced that someday even if I fall in love and get married that I would eventually turn gay. Even typing this makes me understand how ridiculous my fears are but as most of you know, that doesn't make them stop. What I have understood to help me the most is to look back on the positive times in your life, look back to the person who you once were and for my instance, it was never about being gay or straight because I am straight, it was about being hurt or depressed from other situations. I believe that the brain uses the HOCD to mask some of the real issues that are at hand, or this was all catalyzed from a negative experience.

The best advice that I can give with people suffering with this condition is just to keep hope and laugh at it. Although it might not seem like it, the disease can be comical at times. After intrusive thoughts allow yourself to take a step back realize what you were thinking, and laugh at it. When you have an intrusive thought, that is exactly what it is, a thought. Thoughts are not facts, your reality and your past however are facts. Another major mistake I made too was thinking that I could completely beat this, like some day I am never going to have thoughts like this ever, that isn't exactly how an ocd works. Coming to terms with the fact that I might have intrusive thoughts like this for longer than I would like was calming because then you start to see progress, you begin to realize that you have been through much worse and you are actually getting better and you will get better. WHEN GOING THROUGH HELL, KEEP WALKING!

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did you ever get help? how did u overcome hocd? im going thru the same thing now. any help would be appreciated. thanks!

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ORIGINAL POST:

"Now, I have been introduced to the concept of pegging via online as a great source of a mind-blowing orgasm, and I believe it has lent to the power of HOCD and gay porn....

...At the same time, I have been perhaps confusing or imagining engaging in an intercourse with a guy. Depending on which mindset I was in, vulnerable/insecure (perhaps role-playing) or confident, I could get off being sodomized and being completely taken over the control or be utterly repulsed and ashamed."

____________________

You're gay dude. HOCD causes a straight man to obsess over 'not being gay', the guy seeks evidence to prove to his minds he is straight. ...HOCD does not cause men to desire another man "sodomizing" as the Original Post states. This is not something a straight man thinks about.

My advice to you is to accept that you're gay, and just move on. Don't be ashamed, just be you.

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I don't agree. Having suffered from this for years, and having sought treatment, this is a carbon copy of my experience with HOCD. Unfortunately for me, I even tried sex with a guy (which, incidentally, was one of the most disgusting experiences I have ever engaged in.) Since having treatment, I have fully recovered. I am now in a very happy, heterosexual marriage - we celebrate our 10 year anniversary next year. I have never looked back, and have never thought a gay thought since! It was all HOCD.

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Wow! What an astoundingly enlightened comment! What are you, like, twelve? Thirteen? Why are you even on this site? I mean, it's certainly not to provide any meaningful, rational, educated, etc. insights or to empathically share any personal struggles that might prove helpful to real people with a soul (which you clearly don't have yet) who are struggling with a seriously debilitating issue of which you obviously know nothing. Stop visiting this site and posting such asinine comments, and just go back to playing with your X Box 14 hours a day!

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Hi Everyone,

I'm having the very same situation as N. I Started to watch porn really young, digging some magazine out of papertrash etc. Back then I got even hard when I saw a nipple or sumthing. Years passed and I continuously watched straight porn. The at some point I discovered shemale porn, got addicted to it, still are. I've even watched bi porn and some time some gay porn. Regular porn doesn't give me any kick anymore. Only flicks in that some seduction, cheating or public sex takes part (straight porn) - makes me hard.

Through my life I've only had straight sexual encounters (over 50). I'm 26 now. Since this year I've got some HOCD issues. After meeting my current girlfriend (we live in different countries now) and having troubles of staying errected I became anxious. I fear to have sex with her and if we do have sex, then I only get by thinking of my "fantazies". It feels wrong. I wanna get an orgasm by thinking of her. I've always been suffering of a so called "delayed orgasm" - sometimes I directly get an, but sometimes i last for hours and don't get one.

All this put together has made very uncertain about myself. i try to accept that I'm gay, but it feels wrong. I worked 3 years as a barkeeper in a gay club and never even watched at a guy like that - always pulled the girls home. I know many gay guys and my family too, so i'm not scared about it at all. I just think, the porn addiction has made it to us. It's like a drug. You need more strongen stuff to satisfy your needs.

I'm feeling you. You're not alone!!!

-M

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Hi
I have just found this website and have found its contents extremely beneficial to the hell I have been enduring in the past 2 months. Every waking day I have had to question my sexual orientation, which I have identified as heterosexual since childhood up until now (I am 27 years old). However, amidst all this, deep inside I knew I was heterosexual and had strong urges to be involved with women.

But this is where it gets complicated I believe I am currently suffering from HOCD, a recent break-up, and my porn-addictions. The culmination of the 3 have brought me to the brink of madness.

Here is the thing, I have always been active in sexual behavior, since I was a lil kid I loved to watch porn and to masturbate, I even remember watching the power rangers and masturbating thinking about “Kimberly – pink ranger”

Since very little I experienced the divorce of my parents, my whole family rejection towards my dad (loser, unfaithful, poor, etc) made me think that identifying myself with him would be a mayor mistake therefore my mother was the only parental figure in my family.

When becoming a teenager I really felt the urge of having a girlfriend and having sexual intercourse with girls, but I sucked at it and the fact that being bullied by others (I was the loser of the entire school) made it worse so I subconsciously started to hate myself for not having a girlfriend and then is when porn came to play, I became (I am still) so addicted to it that it became a 24/7 habit, even 3 or 4 times at day.

Finishing college (22 years old 2006) I had my first real girlfriend, she was perfect (eastern European, blonde, blue eyes, perfect body and loved sex) so we were like rabbits having sex everywhere and at anytime (happiest time in my life) but it all came to an end like any summer love does and depression became the rule, and since then I promised myself to never fall in love (pretty dumb idea).

Since then I have had other girls in my life and every time the relationship ends I go back to porn and the progression has been the following

Amateur porn -> hardcore porn -> bondage (I love this one) -> lesbian porn -> dominatrix
lesbian porn -> pegging (my favorite!!!) and finally gay porn.

I feel extremely threatened by gay people, the fear is not normal because it stresses me so much that I go in berserk mode and then depression and right now my selfteem is extremely low.

I have been thinking that maybe this gay porn thing is a manifestation way of craving for male bonding and craving for a male parental figure, I feel terrible when considering the idea of kissing or having sex other guys to the point I feel like puking, in the other hand the idea of masturbating with gay porn or girls on guys with a strap-on is a 100% erection.

Few months ago I decided to accept me as a gay person or bisexual but it didn’t bring peace as well, even my best friend (gay by the way) tried to hit on me when I was drinking and smoking some marihuana, I had to stand up and say an absolutely NO and it was one of my most disturbing experiences in my life.

I don’t know what to do, I felt very bad until this website made have some hope, what can I do? Porn is the only think that takes the edge off,, and now days gay thoughts and gay images are always invading the privacy of my mind.
Help!!

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Hi
I have just found this website and have found its contents extremely beneficial to the hell I have been enduring in the past 2 months. Every waking day I have had to question my sexual orientation, which I have identified as heterosexual since childhood up until now (I am 27 years old). However, amidst all this, deep inside I knew I was heterosexual and had strong urges to be involved with women.

But this is where it gets complicated I believe I am currently suffering from HOCD, a recent break-up, and my porn-addictions. The culmination of the 3 have brought me to the brink of madness.

Here is the thing, I have always been active in sexual behavior, since I was a lil kid I loved to watch porn and to masturbate, I even remember watching the power rangers and masturbating thinking about “Kimberly – pink ranger”

Since very little I experienced the divorce of my parents, my whole family rejection towards my dad (loser, unfaithful, poor, etc) made me think that identifying myself with him would be a mayor mistake therefore my mother was the only parental figure in my family.

When becoming a teenager I really felt the urge of having a girlfriend and having sexual intercourse with girls, but I sucked at it and the fact that being bullied by others (I was the loser of the entire school) made it worse so I subconsciously started to hate myself for not having a girlfriend and then is when porn came to play, I became (I am still) so addicted to it that it became a 24/7 habit, even 3 or 4 times at day.

Finishing college (22 years old 2006) I had my first real girlfriend, she was perfect (eastern European, blonde, blue eyes, perfect body and loved sex) so we were like rabbits having sex everywhere and at anytime (happiest time in my life) but it all came to an end like any summer love does and depression became the rule, and since then I promised myself to never fall in love (pretty dumb idea).

Since then I have had other girls in my life and every time the relationship ends I go back to porn and the progression has been the following

Amateur porn -> hardcore porn -> bondage (I love this one) -> lesbian porn -> dominatrix
lesbian porn -> pegging (my favorite!!!) and finally gay porn.

I feel extremely threatened by gay people, the fear is not normal because it stresses me so much that I go in berserk mode and then depression and right now my selfteem is extremely low.

I have been thinking that maybe this gay porn thing is a manifestation way of craving for male bonding and craving for a male parental figure, I feel terrible when considering the idea of kissing or having sex other guys to the point I feel like puking, in the other hand the idea of masturbating with gay porn or girls on guys with a strap-on is a 100% erection.

Few months ago I decided to accept me as a gay person or bisexual but it didn’t bring peace as well, even my best friend (gay by the way) tried to hit on me when I was drinking and smoking some marihuana, I had to stand up and say an absolutely NO and it was one of my most disturbing experiences in my life.

I don’t know what to do, I felt very bad until this website made have some hope, what can I do? Porn is the only think that takes the edge off,, and now days gay thoughts and gay images are always invading the privacy of my mind.
Help!!

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There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. Nor is there anything wrong with bisexuality.

It is simply a sexual attraction. Just like heterosexuality. The problem arises when you let your desire for sex become unhealthy and overwhelm your life. I don't believe that homosexuality is immoral.

I think that most people's problems with homosexuality and their fear of any sort of feelings stems from uncertainty of their own sexuality. They are also afraid because of society's out-dated ideas.

As far as being "threatened" by gay people... Why?

I've had gay friends. Even effeminate gay friends. If they hit on me, I treat it as being hit on by a woman I'm not interested in.

Perhaps you should try talking with a gay person about the feelings you have. I promise they won't be overcome by lust and attack you.

Gay porn is treated by many men as a double standard. They thing gay porn should be outlawed but absolutely love lesbian porn.

Gay thoughts are not "invading" your mind. You are not being "infected". Homosexuality is perfectly natural. If you are attracted to the same sex, fine! I personally am attracted to women. Especially blonds and Asian women. I don't see a need for laws and protests and debates over that. Or people being attracted to the same sex either.

If you are attracted to homosexual or bisexual porn, view it as being attracted to any other porn.
Do not let it develop to the point where it becomes an addiction.
If you are addicted to homosexual porn, do you know what that means?

It means... You are addicted to porn. Welcome brother or sister. Join the fight against THE ADDICTION.

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Hey qtrave - I completely, 100% agree :)

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okay i have a beautiful girl friend we havent had sex yet but i want to and one day i was at home and i decided to masterbate and i came across gay porn and when i watched it i got a erection the biggest one i ever got i masterbated to it and climaxed with in seconds after i felt really bad i jus wanna love girls like i use to i am very addicted to porn and cant stop if i stop for a couple of days my mind makes me think about it it feels like a drug i cant stop am i gay i jus need answers i kno im not gay but my mind jus tells me i am i dont understand help plzzz

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Hi

This video should provide some answers.

It's not that weird for a straight guy to get turned on by gay porn. The novelty factor of "I shouldn't be watching this" only adds to the thrill. It's not weird to find yourself regularly thinking about porn either. None of this has to be a problem.

If it feels like these thoughts are taking away your self-control and getting in the way of living, there is help and advice for that... it's what this site is all about. But try not to get hooked up on "your mind telling you" that you're gay. You're not.

Watch the video :)

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It seems to me you are having much more trouble with the label of 'gay' then you are of being even remotely attracted to a guy. You have a beautiful girlfriend who you want to have sex with. So I'm assuming you are attracted to her. You're already not 'gay' now. Isn't that better?

There's nothing wrong with finding another guy attractive. There's nothing wrong with gay porn. Where it becomes a problem is if the porn you view interferes with your life. If you think these ideas are coming between you and your girlfriend, Talk to Her. More relationships fail because of a lack of communication than because of anything else.

I think the problem you are having most at the moment is you're afraid of what she will think of you for having these feelings. But don't you trust her?

If you don't trust this girl, and she wouldn't try to understand and support you through a difficult period then perhaps you aren't right for each other. BUT GIVE HER A CHANCE.

And you would have to understand that it may be difficult for her at first as well.

The important thing is this:
Just because you are attracted to a person does not mean that you are going to have a lifestyle or sexual behavior forced on you. If you don't want to act on these feelings you don't have to.

The real problem here is your porn feeling like a drug. Porn of any sort. And especially if you keep taking that drug.

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Hello everybody,

this is post i made in another forum and i want to share it!!

http://www.quitpornaddiction.com/porn-free-masturbation-yes-or-no

As you guess i am also dealing this masturbation habbit,,,,, it was nice until i realize how harmful it can be,, honestly speaking the longest i have been able to stay "clean" is 8 days,, actually the fact that I decided earlier that helped me out!! how come? you might be asking, well the answer is the following:

everytime i thought " Oh my God,,, I will never be able to masturbate again" i ended up masturbating with tons of porn in order to relief the anxiety that triggerd that thought. so I decided to change the thought

"all right lets make it for just one week and then I WILL UNLEASH THE BEAST MUAJUAJUA" and that kept me off porno and masturbation for one week, for the whole week I had the urge of "humping" anything, which is ok beacause i masturbated so much and so hard that regular porno wasnt enough so I started to think that i was becoming gay (nothing wrong with being gay) but having doubts of being gay or straight caused me tons of stress (I actually was going crazy becaus of the porn adiction and the HOCD), so the fact of feeling horny around women and wanting to "hump" them was very conforting (nevertheless if i feel like having sex with guys i will do it and i wont feel shame).

So wednesday came (the 8th day) and I felt so horny that i thought "what the heck i need no porn" so i started to remember my ex girfriends and i had an orgasm, It didnt feel like heaven on earth but i ejaculated so much that i felt relaxed, it was ok!

Now my new goal is to wait for two weeks!!!! and if i start feeling like i cant control it,, my bet is to distract me with no matter wath to keep my right hand off my pennis!! WHISH ME LUCK!!!

I will keep you updated guys!!!

Ps: I read somewhere that when we masturbate on a constant basis we get used to the strong preassure of our hand that when we actually have intercourse the "vagina" doesnt feel tight enough so we start to become senseless,,, any comments about that? i dont know if its truth and i will appreciate if you share your thoughts

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geomaru

I think you should take one step at the time, I've done it myself.

first, cut on the porn. The reason you are so hurny is natural, you are feeding your brain with sexual images that will only trigger sexual thoughts and sexual acts, so don't worry about masturbation, worry about porn. Put a goal, maybe a month without porn(in reality you don't need that garbage, sadly is a very strongly growing industry) and substitute with exercise if possible, about the masturbation don't worry is just a natural need.

Second, if you get to control the porn habit your almost there, now is the tricky part, you have to re-wire your brain..what? yes, this has to do with what else is going on in your life, maybe the stress of school or family. Normally you shouldn't have a problem with no masturbation for a week or two but if you don't put order in your life and thoughts, you wont be able to last a day. There's a lot going on in the world, around you, you have to be aware of that, if you bottle your left and become a self-centered person you wont make it. Try to get involved in other peoples life, maybe your little brother or sister needs help with school, a friend, or family, most of our problems are resolved by helping others with their own problems.

I wish you the best, hope this helps:D

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