Financial domination: why men get addicted
Just recently, a couple of men have contacted me concerned about their addiction to 'financial domination'. They were in an arrangement with a remote mistress or dominatrix to cater for her every whim, commanded daily by phone or instant messenger. In essence, she provides verbal abuse and her slaves reciprocate with expensive gifts and direct transfers of cash. There's no sex or physical meeting on offer.
It'll come as no surprise that there are hundreds of websites offering this service.
For the money slaves, this sounds like an unfathomably expensive hobby. I've read accounts from guys who struggle to support their families, yet feel compelled to hand over every dollar of their income and savings to the madam. In fact, the fantasy thrives on the threat of inevitable bankruptcy. These guys volunteer all of their personal information so that the dominatrix can apply pressure if the gifts dry up. She has a squad of other money slaves at her command, all willing to make blackmail calls to wives and employers as they scramble to please the mistress. Suffice to say, relationships and careers hang in the balance.
Now I'm asking, they are asking, you are probably asking, even the dominatrix probably wonders... just how can this be an addictive turn on? I question this with no moral agenda; I've no issue at all with consenting adults making arrangements for whatever turns them on. My interest is in helping people when things get out of control and problematic, and the potential here is immense.
Just like any good old-fashioned, non-financial sadomasochistic fantasy, the answer partly lies in the special relationship. Even when it is only conducted over the internet, there's a unique level of understanding and communication at work. In terms of meeting core emotional needs, the slave receives attention and a sense of purpose. Every payment enables him to feel a closer connection to the mistress. He has direct, urgent objectives to attend to and layers of secrecy to maintain. It's cybersex on steroids, a constant and elicit medication for feelings of loneliness, disconnection and ironically, low self-worth.
Also, I would suggest that unconscious feelings of guilt play a major part for many men in this scenario. The more that they empower someone to financially hurt them, the more they are reassured that they are not doing the hurting. Subconscious feelings of guilt inhibit sexual arousal, and the financial domination fantasy provides a method for transcending the guilt.
It's a complicated and costly route to sexual excitement, but it clearly can become a deeply compulsive coping mechanism. Many of us have subconsciously learned to feel guilty about being more successful or able than others, usually at a very early age. For some, the injunction is so restrictive that they have to arrange to be a victim.
In order to break out of these self-destructive games, developing perspective and self-forgiveness is key. Through counselling, we can explore feelings of guilt and unmet needs. No matter how duped we might feel, the yearning to be exploited had some underlying positive intent. Once we recognise this, much more positive options for living can open up. We can be honest with ourselves and those around us, rendering the blackmail threat ineffective. The money mistress loses a worshipper, but she won't have fared too badly from the whole deal.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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18 comments
It's really unfortunate that
It's really unfortunate that people fall to such depths at times in a bid to fulfill fantasies, this is a serious concern. I suppose the people indulging in this are really unaware of the financial consequences and the far reaching effects of submitting to such a fetish.
It's great that you've highlighted this, developing a dependency relationship with such an obsession can be extremely dangerous eventually costing someone their family, near and dear ones and a serious dent in their finances.
I'm just starting to wonder, what is it that people derive out of this??...One can only hope that this does not spread it's tentacles trapping many more in the process.
This is VERY very sad, its
This is VERY very sad, its also VERY disturbing psychologically speaking!! This is lets be totally honest here, nothing more than total THEFT!!, its a form of psychological abuse too. Its nothing more than extreme exploitation & blackmail in any other terms.
OR you could argue that its money for old rope! a (dominatrix) give me every penny you have and ( to the slave) I'll keep you dangling on the edge of a promised fantasy. Of course you'd have to be pretty naive to have fallen so badly for this con trick.
**NOTE: The problem is shocking as this is, there may be no actual laws saying this sort of arrangement is illegal? its hard to know what if any laws are being broken here?. Its VERY unclear legally speaking. It might be argued that the man (slave) is a consenting adult i.e. over 18 years old and therefore has agreed to take part. The dominatrix might argue that "he the slave" consented or agreed to take part or engage in this arrangement, see how difficult it becomes. Its very gray & murky area this one.
**This is an extreme form of Masochism / Sadism being acted (played) out.
Just to add that I do find
Just to add that I do find this pretty shocking I have to say even in 2010!!.
What kind of weird sexual
What kind of weird sexual fantasy is being promoted here, I really cannot even begin to imagine, it sounds pretty strange to me.
**I'll steal ALL your money & you get nothing in return? What kind of sexual thrill can any sane person get from this. This is a kind of madness, its totally irrational, its bizarre.
I guess its a bit like
I guess its a bit like metaphorically speaking or symbolically (dominatrix to the slave) I have you by your balls & cock & now I'm going to drain you of your cum i.e. make you come!.
Except replace the word cum with money. I shall drain you of your money? Thus money is symbolically equated with the control of the slaves sexual force, & money is a metaphor for draining the slave of his or her sexual potency? This is the only weird way this might make some strange sense, its illogical and thus can only be made more sense of if viewed from a symbolic or metaphorical level. Its all about control of sexual potency over the victim (slave), but it also appears to involve some degree of almost mind control too. Its incredible that people fall victim or get sucked into this.
It's not that people get
It's not that people get conned or sucked into it, it's like being gay, people are just this way sexually. It's an extreme form of the giver and taker role. Anybody that's into it knows it sounds bizarre but r still drawn to it sometimes beyond there own will.
Its exploitative,
Its exploitative, psychologically damaging as is any form of bullying. This is worse than anything as due to the intensity and relentless nature of it. On-line dominatrix's target and abuse the lonely and the most vulnerable people in society for their own ends. Sometimes its individual's and other times its organised groups aka organised crime. Some of the slaves may be shocked to hear that they are indeed funding other crime and more victims. When is it okay to bully others and psychologically damage them further? Answer: Its never okay. Abuse is still abuse whatever the gender.
Thanks gone_wrong, and I'm
Thanks gone_wrong, and I'm pleased this discussion is helpful.
And you're right that these situations are never crazy, no matter how confused they might feel! There's always some positive intent behind compulsive behaviours and fantasies, and exploring this is key to lasting change. Good luck!
Hi gone_wrong, I somehow
Hi gone_wrong,
I somehow missed your previous post and hadn't heard of harpaxophilia before. It's amazing what you can learn from watching QI! As you say, it's good to see these concepts being discussed and acknowledged in this way.
Good on you for noticing that little slip situation, stepping back and applying analytical reason to it. How did it feel when you caught yourself? I think you have something to be pleased about there, as it's a clear indicator that you are making positive change.
I agree with your observations too. I'm not anti-fantasy, but I'm anti-exploitation of people's sexual fantasies in this way. You've highlighted a really valid distinction there, and another motivation for finding better ways to get satisfaction from life.
ps. You know what I'm going to say... not irritating in the slightest! ;)
Wanting to connect
Hi gone_wrong
Yes you're a thinker alright! I think we all do it, and something you said there struck a chord with me.
I've also spent time researching some of the women I liked in porn - searching on their names, reading about them on Wikipedia (if they are well-known porn stars), reading interviews and seeing if they have their own blogs. I wanted to know all about the women behind the photos or videos.
It could be that our motivations are different but wanting to connect definitely applied to me. I commented on the blogs of a couple of girls (though now I doubt they ever really wrote on those blogs) and sent a couple of emails. It feels nice in a way, as if you are treating them as a person and not just another man jerking off to their films.
Unless we turn into stalkers this is probably harmless? Yet it might prove how much we deeply want connection and somehow thought we are going to get it through porn or sex services. hmmmm
Stay positive S. I like reading your thoughts.
as a 21 year old man who's
as a 21 year old man who's often been excited by humiliation, degradation, and in turn, yes financial exploitation, i can try and offer a little bit of insight into the fetish. this has been my main problem area and has been something i have continually tried to kick, usually to no avail.
the whole idea is basically derived from the idea that the submissives who are willing to pay are not "good enough" or "man enough" to go out and get women themselves. seeing as porn addiction clearly leads to anti-social behaviour, a seeming disconnect from the world around, and a fear of real relationships with real women, it becomes quite easy for the submissive (very aroused when participating) to accept that he is a loser, not man enough, and therefore is fated to pay women he'd never have a shot at. i've often been turned on by verbal abuse, and while it is something which at one time i genuinely found sexy, it's become quite a destructive force in my life. only so many times can you tell yourself that you're a loser, a wimp, worthless, or a piece of garbage before you truly begin to believe it (backed up by your porn addicted behaviour).
i've gotten to the point where i've now been able to see real, tangible damage directly as a result of this fetish and porn in my life in general. i don't at all believe porn is "wrong" or "evil"... we're the ones who have the problem with it, and its a personal issue that must be dealt with... that said, it's hard to look critically at this particular stream of it and not see the sinister, ruthless, and evil nature of this. these women (or men, i suppose) profit off of our belief that we are inferior, that we are scum, and that we have no hope for change. clearly, this is the message that they will continue to deliver. it is up to each and every person to recognize they have a problem, and recognize the need to change.
i've recently struggled each day to stay away from porn, yet i would almost always be unsuccessful.. either when coming home in the afternoon briefly, watching a quick couple of videos before bed, or first thing in the morning. it got to the point where once i'd done the deed, i'd be an emotional, stressed out, anxiety ridden wreck for the rest of the day and potentially days after. having not caved monday night, i came home and robotically sat down at my computer, and google searched something related to porn.. i can't remember what my search terms were, but this website was on the first page of results.. i clicked, read some stories, and was in tears within minutes. i cannot continue to throw my life away with this shit. i was deeply moved, and went to bed feeling peaceful, proud, and woke up feeling... happy. i made it through all of tuesday, interacting with others, loving my day to day, being thankful... we're about halfway through wednesday so far, and i can't look back. i've tried too many times, have felt dead inside too many times, and have lost all hope too many times. i feel something again, and am about to run out to get a prepaid credit card so i can download "porn game over". through whatever reason, i found this website. I'm not going to waste this opportunity, and none of you should either.. I'll be posting more frequently.
Sorry about the rambling nature of the post, but its an amalgamation of thoughts I've never properly been able to get onto paper, and it all just sorta came out. I truly hope someone reads this and is touched by it and can relate to it. there is hope, do not give up.
In response to Josh
Hi there Josh, you've touched on a few things there that relate to my experiences and I'd like to share a few thoughts (apologies if I ramble haha).
At one stage I was well into this kind of domination, I've made a few payments to online dommes in the past and the idea of the fetish does turn me on greatly- a beautiful young woman treating you like the filth under her boots and you pay for the privilege...I don't know, it is something that turns me on as a submissive man. But it is a complete fantasy and I've learnt that it is best kept a fantasy- actually paying some woman money and then you cum and you think what the hell am I doing?
The longer you stay out of a real relationship with a woman, the worse this fetish will affect your life as you point out, because you start to believe the stuff you are called and when you see a good looking woman in the street, you'll think she thinks you are a piece of filth, when it isn't true.
I've always had a submissive nature to women, it turns me on to be submissive but these kinds of fetishes IMO are a coping mechanism- I was single and not very good with women throughout my early twenties, I'm naturally submissive, I'm hard wired to be submissive, but the longer I was leaving not being in a relationship, the more my confidence dwindled.
So the more your confidence goes, the deeper you sink until you end up with the only way to speak to a nice looking woman is to pay to lick her boots or pay for the privilege of them taking your pay packet and laughing at you for it! I understand the fetish completely but it is no way to live! You have to realise you are better than these people, try and work on your confidence and get a woman, go on dates.
I'm 27 now and in a relationship with a 21 year old girl, I've slowly revealed my submissive nature, and it is much better to be in a relationship with someone you love and loves you in return, and then work harder to make their life easier and buy gifts for.
I actually believe submissive men are part of evolution to some extent, it makes life so much easier actually enjoying what a woman tells you to do and you worship them.
And you can still have your fetish but in a proper relationship with someone you can make love to and go the cinema with, and go out for meals and cuddle in bed and all the nice things in life- and you can still satisfy your hard wired submissive nature by buying them gifts- save up and buy them something nice etc. Much better spending your money on someone who loves you back than some random online domme you'll never meet.
I think there is a domme type woman out there for everyone- but not in the context of hating you- but loving you as someone who worships them and likes to take control and demand things from time to time- and i'm more than happy taking my girlfriend out to buy some sexy boots which she'll wear in the bed room ;)
sorry for the ramble, buy my point is- the fetish is great- but channel it properly- into a loving relationship- ignore everyone who think submissive men are weird- they'll never know the immense pleasure you get when serving a beautiful woman.
John
missing a key point
i think you are missing a key, and perhaps, surprisingly simple point as to why financial domination is so addicting.
Old topic but I thought I'd
Old topic but I thought I'd share my thoughts.
Financial Domination has been something that has interested me for a while now, although I would never partake in it. It isn't actually that weird as far as fetishes go. It is caused by extremely low self-esteem and emasculation. Guilt might be a cause of that. A lot of men have a terrible self-image and view these types of women as "untouchable" and literally godlike. They aren't in denial about it, in fact that embrace their "beta" tendencies and reinforce them as much as possible. It's common for slaves to enjoy discussing the subject of giving money more than actually doing it. They want to feel as worthless and servile as possible. Very few of them need to cross the line and actually pay. I suppose different people require different degrees of stimulation; for myself I enjoy occasionally reading the exploits of a Findomme, for others they need to tribute a small amount each time they masturbate, and for the worst affected they agree to be blackmailed and have their life ruined just for a better orgasm. Yes it is addictive; from what I've read slaves are often desperate to quit and seek help, but are either sucked back in upon the domme contacted them, or threatened by the domme.
I highly suspect that men affected by this have low testosterone levels and possibly low serotonin levels, and are often depressed. It doesn't really work just telling a slave to "stop doing it" without fixing the underlying problem. Some factors to be looked at are: personal relationships, diet, physical training, and other hobbies. Being at peace with those around you can help depression. Finding new friends is a good idea. Make sure you are eating well, not just junk food. You could have a deficiency that is affecting hormone balance. Physical training not only gives tangible self-improvements, but makes you feel much better about yourself. Having other hobbies will take your mind off financial domination. Try going on a break somewhere, learning a musicial instrument, joining a club. I think that many men who feel addicted to this type of porn are merely suffering from low sex drive due to masturbating too often. Not masturbating for a sustained period will make a man much hornier generally, although it's not something I would normally advocate.
Hope something there helps. I like to think I can approach the topic from both sides, being turned on by the fetish whilst also keeping my feet firmly on the ground.
Thank you...
Just knowing that I am not alone in my stuggle to end this addiction and that there are people with great insight to exactly what I am experiencing really helps.
You have given me hope, and hope is enough...
You've given me a reason to try and make today the day I get my life back.
Financial Domme Speaks Out
If anyone is interesting in speaking about this on a one-on-one basis (as I am sure I will be attacked here), I would be willing to share what I have learned from an ex financial domme's perspective via email.
hi yes I am interested in
hi yes I am interested in learning about financial domination
Domme Speaks out
If you would like to speak about this fetish and have any understanding from the domme's point of view, please email me. I know it is hard to understand. However, there are two sides to this. There are plenty of domme who role play within this kink. However, we know when the fantasy ends. There are many women out there who do not know the difference. I started off as a classic domme and started getting into this side of the kink.
However, it is never done with abuse or hatred. Only respect, kindness, and living out a fantasy for a few moments. I've never had a sub that actually wanted to go bankrupt. If anything we would pretend. It's always done under control. I always check in to make sure, my subs aren't over extending themselves. If they are, we cannot role play. Some get upset, but I explain I'm the top and it is my responsibility that you are safe.
I do think there is a lot of misunderstanding in this kink. From both subs and some domme's. However, I handle findomme, just as I would handle an impact play session. I have subs who want to be caned until they bleed. However, I would never ever actually do this. I would verbally says, if he doesn't listen he will be spanked to that extreme. But I never would. A real and responsible top looks for the safety and love of the bottom. When the scene is over they know, they are special. Even with my finslaves. I will tell them during the scene they are my little whores, I pimp out. However, when the scene is over, I tell them they are wonderful people. People who deserve love and respect.
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