Can I break this habit on my own? - P's story

Submitted by a reader on Mon, 19/07/2010 - 11:28

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Jason

I'm really struggling with my compulsive behaviour with both porn and visiting prostitutes. I get a real high from both, followed by a deep low. Yesterday I spent all my working day browsing porn sites looking for something more exciting to view. I work for myself in my own design agency and find this easy. Business is really bad currently and I will probably not survive. Instead of working to save by business and fulfil existing customer expectations, I avoid everything by watching porn, and occasionally spending money I do not have on visiting a prostitute. These are found using an on-line directory, which also doubles up to me as a porn site - all the pictures are potential partners. I get excited about planning business trips to places I have no need to go.

Recently I informed my partner I was seriously depressed. I am. I researched this and ticked many boxes on an NHS site that were pointing to depression. I'm working on trying to have a bit more balance in my life; going to the theatre for example or out for a meal even though I can't afford it. I've even started a Tai Chi Class to help with relaxation.

But what I do now even more is look at porn to deliver my highs. I find more time for porn than anything, particularly when I'm meant to be working. But I cannot admit this to my partner or friends - it would be simply too devastating. I need to do something myself - a self help approach. The on-line chat rooms seem very American, and for me there's too much God.

Your 5 point plan looks great but I cannot download this because I'd need to pay and the 'Permission to Quit' would cause serious questions on our credit card statement. This really brings me to a serious question - can I do this on my own? Or am I going to be encourage to 'share' in your program, with my partner or friends.

Please help

Best, P

Hi P,

Thanks for getting in touch and sharing your experience.

"Yesterday I spent all my working day browsing porn sites looking for something more exciting to view". Plenty of readers here will completely relate to that compulsive search for novelty and escapism. And when we're self-employed or home-based, it can be a recipe for hellish frustration and self-loathing.

A high proportion of people who struggle with pornography are depressed, anxious, chronically stressed or all three. The anticipation of engaging in some anonymous sexual encounter (online or in the flesh) delivers a powerful distraction and sensation of being in control. It feels like the online opportunities are endless. But after the fleeting high, the inevitable comedown fuels depression and we're craving to escape once more.

That's a really good question about my Porn Game Over quit plan, and I'll try to answer as transparently as possible. Yes I do encourage people to open up to their partners and/or a trusted friend because it can be a very positive step. But I also explain that this is completely optional, and we are entitled to tackle the problem in as much privacy as we want. It's perfectly possible to overcome porn addiction without anyone else knowing about it. Unlike some methods, this isn't an exercise in outing ourselves as humble, powerless addicts.

With this plan, my aim is to give readers fresh perspective so they can build on their own strengths. There's lots of advice and suggestions, but the changes that you make have to work for you as an individual. So developing self-awareness, in those craving moments and on a wider scale, is the essential key.

I hope that this is helpful, and please feedback any further comments or queries that you might have.

Hello P,

No.1 If you are already clinically depressed then doing lots of online porn will definitely make your symptoms MUCH worse!!. You are in fact only adding to your existing depression.

No.2 Having a serious ongoing daily porn habit is a clear symptom of being in denial but I think you already have some inclining of this already.

No.3 You are avoiding the stress, anger, sense of utter powerless-ness & depression by using porn in this way. You are attempting to find comfort & reassurance through porn but in reality you are only putting off the inevitable crisis which will result.

No.4 Look I'll make you an offer P, I STRONGLY doubt you can overcome the present situation on your own and I'd be happy to talk with you via email or IRC this will only cost you the time & the use of your internet connection. If you think this will help you please contact Jason for my details, as I wont give them out on the internet.

**I'm in the middle of writing a self help guide to getting free from the power of porn, I'm sure I can assist you but you would have to be willing to try facing your feelings & trying to face changing. The only other suggestion I would make is that you will need professional help from an experienced counselor or therapist. Sometimes these problems cannot solved alone.

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The internet is an incredible tool but what you use it for & how you use it "is a personal choice" my fundamental belief is that viewing & consuming & using porn is a choice!! Sometimes using porn may not actually feel much like a choice but it IS still a choice at some level. That choice might possibly be quite unconscious but never the less its still something that's been chosen.

If you have a problem with your use of porn it may be that your porn habit is got out of control, this is an all too familiar situation for many people (especially those people who share their stories on this website). The way I like to think about a porn habit (porn dependency) is that its like a kind of wrestling match & the aim is to find a way to wrestle back your power & control from your opponent (the opponent is the porn pattern, porn habit itself). There are definite ways to win back this control but its a challenging process.

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We use porn & that's our choice but its also our responsibility too. We got ourselves into this mess, this hole & now we need to try in what ever way to get ourselves out of this situation. The problem is that its very hard to almost impossible to do this alone, the struggle to heal ourselves and to over come a porn habit is made far more effective if done with another person by way of help & support.

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Alex I couldn't agree more with you. I don't believe in God, so I believe everything we do is our choice.
P,
I think it would be better if you come clean with your partner ( if you are in a serious relationship) and ask her to be on your side on this. She will have a few days of anger and denial, but if she loves you she will have your back on this issue.
Telling somebody that is close to you puts a little more pressure into continuing with the "healing" process, because besides other reasons, you don't want to let her down.
I don't and never had a problem with porn but my husband did for years and finally he hasn't watched any porn since January. It was a long struggle, but he did it by himself. There are things you can do like put filters on the computer, find hobbies, try to not be alone at home, accountability softwares etc.. But I think the most important step is the first one: realizing that you have a choice to make, that since now you've made the wrong ones and now its time to make good ones. You should realize that wanting to watch porn and visit prostitutes is okay, but you DON'T have to act on it.
Its important to understand the difference between having an urge and acting on it. When you feel an urge, don't beat yourself up, its okay, but KNOW that you DON'T have and are not going to act on it is a different story.
Hope all this made sense

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When we want something, most of the times we are doomed to fail because we kinda convince ourselves that since the urge is soo strong, then somehow we have to have it. Its not true!! Urges are strong because we human beings are creature of habits. When we do something for a long time, it becomes part of us and we think that that's who we are. That's not true either!!!
We can break any habit if we realize that it was us to created that habit.
When we are used to having something, of course we are going to miss it when its gone. But that's all in our head!! You don't need porn, you don't need prostitutes either!! You created this habits and you can stop it because its affecting your life!!

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Dear P
I've been thinking and I might have thought up some motivational words that might help. I've been thinking of my funeral, it's kinda weird I know but it's going to happen so y not think about it. And I asked myself what would I be remembered for? How many lives have I touched with mine? Have I even touched a life? Those thoughts scare me. I wonder how many things I have thrown away just so I could have a hour of porn. I've finally realized something. My life isn't over, it's just begun. I can always start over. I figure that since you are here you can too. Because I don't know about you but I want to be remembered for more than this sad little existence I live now...

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Hello again,

I agree with a great deal of what the previous 2 contributors have said.

a) Its important to realize that a porn pattern (porn habit) is only really a symptom of deeper issue. Actually P your porn habit, porn obsession its NOT really the real problem, its NOT about the porn!!, its NOT about the use of prostitutes either. But IT IS about other deeper problems which you are not facing, not feeling, not allowing yourself to deal with.

b) The problem is NOT really about porn!! porn is just a pain killer, a form of anesthetic used in order to numb out, to block other painful emotions. Porn is used to deny those difficult emotions which you find so difficult, so painful. Denying your own pain wont take it away though.

c) We can only heal ourselves through feeling the feelings, we have to allow ourselves to feel our pain before we can let it out, & let it go! Calmness & peacefulness and a renewed sense of self come after the catharsis. Healing through feeling!!

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a) Working for yourself (self employment) leaves you at greater risk of the obvious temptations of internet porn. Especially so if your work is directly associated with IT or web design, you know the risks yourself you don't need me to tell you this.

b) For you I would definitely HIGHLY RECOMMEND that you put in place OpenDNS internet content filtering. You can register for a free account, you will receive your own personal Dashboard, from the dashboards advanced settings you can implement content filtering from anyone of x30 categories including pornography,nudity, adult themes, bikini & swimwear, etc. How will this help? because it will remove potential temptations, it will remove the risk of stumbling or slipping back, it will remove potentially millions of triggers that could set off your porn habit all over again. It will create a gap or space or a distance between you & porn. It creates a useful boundary which will give you a chance to get things into perspective. Regain some kind of self control.

**This has to be YOUR choice though, its no good having this imposed by someone else as you wont keep it it otherwise. You have to be responsible for this choice.

c) what you describe is a classic text book situation of excitement lust mixed with adrenaline rush, use of porn followed by a sudden crash with feelings of inner emptiness, guilt shame & huge regrets. This is just a broken record, a ritual piece of behavior, porn is just a "displacement activity" it is escapism from more important events in your life that you probably need to address or face up to. You haven't even mentioned about your relationships with your wife, partner or girl friend?

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Dear F
I really don't know where you got the whole because God isn't real I have a choice thing, but I disagree completely. God made us with free will so there for we have a choice. That is proven through out the bible.

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Dear Z,
Let's not get involved in reglious arguments. You believe in God and that's your choice, I don't..and that's again my choice.
The important thing here is trying to help people get over porn and their partners. We all have different views on how to do this.

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It wasn't my intent to start an argument. I was only setting you straight.

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