Help! I'm New here and suicidal to this addiction.
l'm New here from "Down Under". l have come here desperately seeking help and connection with other guys who have gone through a simialiar pain with this porn sh-t! And l'm contemplating ending my life with suicide very soon because of the failures, rejection and pain.
l'm 50 years old and have struggled with porn and lust fantasy for around 40 years, as well as gambling and computer games in the later part of my life.. l have been through so much pain with this addiction that it has and still continues to destroy and harm just about every facet of my life. l have suffered with relationship difficulties, loneliness, rejection a lot, abandonment, no help, being misunderstood by so many people, low self esteem, highy sensitive to critism, anger, fear, anxiety, arguments, running away and escaping a lot!!! The lady l live with who l have had a strained and stressed relationship with had been retrenched recently and as a result has been around the house a lot and doesn't give me any much peace of mind. l have to leave the house a lot. So that makes me insecure without my own place to live quietly. That hurts. lve struggled with God a lot.
l've had no steady job for 6 years which fuels me to leave this crap life..it's crap!!! l can see it a lot..that nobody doesn't care and also don't know how to help a porn addict. l'm angry that the addiction has harmed all my short term girlfreinds with NO marriage and NO kids!! F...k that! My family doesn't understand my shit and there is so much anger towards them. Mother can't listen without interupting. Father left this porn stuff around for me to discover as little boy... Growing up was full of fear of my father and anger. No wonder l want to die in the recent years and it has been building up a lot to now that l really am that close to ending my life at any moment.
Add in the that mixture, reading a lot about death and afterlife so l want to really know where l go after l die. The books about suicide and afterlife give me understanding and gets rid of some fear of death..
But on the other side of it deep down , there is a small part of me that doesn't want ot die. But it is sadly getting smaller and smaller and l'm scared that l could lose it and take the courage to commit ending my life.
l came here very frightened and shaking and wanting to be heard to offload this enormous pain and hopelessness that lm in...before my life vanishes on this planet.
l don't know if l'm going to come back here again as it depends on my very state of vulnerability at the moment..but we will see.
Mick in Down Under Aussieland (No f..cking relation to Mick Dundee)
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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Hi Mick,Welcome to the
Hi Mick,
Welcome to the forum. It's certainly true that so many people don't comprehend what an acutely painful and lonely place porn addiction is. Unless you've experienced living in the trap, it can seem unbelievably absurd that anyone would compulsively view porn in order to escape from bad feelings. Pressing themselves deeper and deeper to breaking point, watching their relationships dissolve and all facets of life unravel around them. I think most addicts would agree that it feels absurd too, yet feels agonisingly impossible to resist.
Of course, you're not alone with this experience; all the posts on this forum are testament to that. And there are certainly guys who feel so trapped that they contemplate suicide. That is discussed here too. I wonder whether you have any opportunity to unpack your feelings of fear and anger with someone who won't judge or interrupt; a counsellor or professional therapist. There are so many facets to porn addiction, but it's often the case that the habit, the dependency developed with some positive intent. Feeling sexually intrigued and excited by the discovery of father's porn is natural. Carrying that intrigue through life as an emotional comfort blanket will also have a natural motivation, and it's not about the porn. We can only guess what your own motivation or need may be, but you can get help in shining some light on it.
I have seen men who ground themselves down with porn for so many years finally break out of the trap. I don't discount the huge challenges they faced; finding self-forgiveness, learning from and letting go, dealing with regret, finding some way to achieve the next 1% of making huge changes in their lives. Finding an outlet for the pain is an essential step, whether it's face-to-face contact or on a forum like this. You are very welcome to discuss and contribute here, of course.
With Ya Micko
Know how ya feel mate, know how ya feel. I contemplated suicide for about half a year, a few years ago now. I never tried it, just planned it and dreamed of it. Was in a lot of pain then hey. But things changed for me and I got over it and now I wouldn't dream of cutting out. I found a solution to THAT problem and got passed it, now I am here dealing with the porn thing. So much crap gets into our lives and we seem to have no control over it hey.
I can't give you any advice really, except to just keep an open mind, if you can, and look around for a solution to the problems. Some of the things you mentioned, like kids, lol, well don't be too cut about not having any of them mate. A mixed bag, a mixed blessing and some people are better off without them believe me. They don't make life better in a lot of cases, they just add another level of drama IMO. Just IMO hey. And when you get old? A lot of kids just wipe you and hang in the wings waiting for you to croke so they can get the house and money.
I come here a lot Mick so drop back and post again on this thread. Maybe we can talk about things. I'm in Oz too, up in qld. Hang in there Mick.
Hello Mick
lol, Mick Dundee... I don't think the kids these days have even heard of him! But that's all right, I'm an 80s baby and I remember. Everyone here has struggled with what you have. Try to start working on cutting down on porn, sexual fantasy, and masturbating and that will be a good start so you can get more help from the people on here. You may feel like killing yourself, but there's obviously enough of you that wants to live that reached out to people on here to share your story. And the world obviously cares just enough about your existence to provide you with some of the support that you're seeking. Keep your chin up, mate, and try as much as you can to take those first steps on your own and you'll get lots of support here to help you continue on your journey. Now is always a great time to start over.
Welcome :)
You're not alone. Don't give up. I know personally that it can feel like there is no solution to this problem... Like it is a never ending story.... But, as soon as we give up, we let this agonizing addiction win. We cannot do that. I'm here for you, I'm certain that everyone else is here for you. My suggestion is to start a recovery journal. Post in it every day with your progress. At least that's what I did. I have lots of room for improvement but, it is a good start. Please don't give up or give in. We can all do this together.
Resolution4good
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arhhh!!! lm back for the second time and it l just read all your posts above and was surprised..very f..cking surprised to get responses here!!!
Situation is getting very critical!! l have been blowing so much of my pension money on gambling (pokies) and in so much pain everywhere.. lm very lonely and islolated and with plans to take my life in a around less that a month!!
The only thing that would reverse it somehow is getting a job and cheap accomodation, but l can't see that happening. 'Hope" is not a good word and l don't believe in it..because it hasn't worked!!!!!!! F..ck IT!!
l don't know again if lm going to make it here with unmanageability all around my painful life and p0rn and gambling and NOW some lite alcohol drinking is a new thing lm medicate on!! lm also writing a lot of fears of suiciding so that l can get the courage to do suicide without much stress!!!
F..cking me down under Mick
you ok Mick?
you ok Mick?
I hope you're OK, Mick
Sounds like me--somewhat--over the past couple of years. Kinda wilded out some...but not with any real (read: conscious) decisions to move on outta this life. But the whole drinking and general wildin' out coulda been part of that thinking. All that said, Mick, if you're still there, post a message and let us know you're still around and kickin'--even if you're still "wildin' " (read: hurtin' like a _____)
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