“The true problem with a porn addiction: it gets in the way of living a real life” – M’s story
Hi folks. This is a great forum and I appreciate the genuine feel it resonates. This post is directed to the men out there who might be able to relate to my experience. My heart goes out to the women out there who have suffered at the hand of this bizarre phenomenon.
Here goes:
I am 35 years old, currently single, I make my living programing for a web-based application, and I work at home. Basically this is the “perfect storm” for an internet porn habit. I have no one but myself to answer to and I am free to indulge in my habit whenever I please. I have had a steady diet of internet porn at my disposal for the last 10 years and now I am at a point in my life where I have made up my mind to veer away from this habit to make room for other things that this world has to offer.For starters, I want to say that I do not believe that porn is necessarily a great sin. Provided that the source is not exploitive or harmful to those involved, I see no harm in the worship of the female (or male) body, as well as the act of sex. I feel that I maintain a healthy attitude toward women and even though I may objectify them sexually, I continue to see women as complete beings, wonderful and beautiful in their entirety. I also believe that porn can be a healthy and safe way to regulate sexual urges, in moderation of course.
The problem is not in the act of viewing porn but in the extent of the habit. I’ve always felt that I could just walk away whenever I wanted to but still I have constantly reached for my fix on a regular basis for all this time. The reasons are many: my lust for women, the need for comfort, loneliness, stress, relaxation boredom, escape… the list is goes on. I somehow managed to develop an insatiable desire to seduce women of all types, shapes and sizes through the medium of images viewed on my computer. It is so easy and available and, dare I say, pleasurable.
But there is no question, this pleasure is not without its consequences. I am fortunate because I have not allowed this habit to completely take over my life. I have dated incredible women and know what it is to love and be loved. Nothing can beat that feeling. My attitude is that the true problem with a porn addiction is that it gets in the way of living a real life. It is virtual reality. You are in total control but it is only a small reflection of real life. It pales in comparison to true human interaction as well as the joy of making love with a real live partner. There is so much more to experience than that excitement of seeing flesh at your command.
The porn habit is an act of self and the act of self has its time and place. When you are putting yourself before others on a continuous basis, what kind of life can you be living? There is more reward in giving to others rather than taking, and porn is all about taking. It’s a retreat. It’s the act of retreating to yourself and blotting out everything else.
Somehow I always managed to justify my use of porn throughout the relationships I’ve been in. I’ve alway felt that we’re wired to want sex with as many partners as possible and that porn is a way to facilitate that without all the sleeping around. I fixate on this concept. The thing is though, we no longer live in caves, we ARE able to rise above our animal instincts, we CAN balance our appetites, not all sexual urges need to be acted on, the appetite for sexual fantasy does not need to be constantly fed for our survival. As messed up as we are, we humans do have virtue if we chose to use it.
But as we all know, this is easier said than done. It takes will power to walk away. For me, it has been helpful to strengthen other parts of myself. Spiritually, I have taken to meditation and I have found this to be an almost crucial first step. It is really important not to criminalize or demonize yourself. It’s just porn, folks – it was fun while it lasted but it’s time to grow up and move on. Next, staying in good physical shape is vital. It helps reinforce the spirit, it feels good, boosts the confidence, and makes real life sex way more enjoyable. Finally, you have to take a mental stance and draw a line. Whether you want to quit or just cut back, you have to make the decision and stick to it and that takes perseverance. It’s totally possible!!!
My approach, and I’m still in the initial stages, is to divorce my viewing of porn from the physical stimulation. So this month, I’m still going to the naughty websites but I’m not touching myself. I let the urge pass and I relieve myself at other times with nothing but me, my right (or left) hand, and my imagination. I actually get better orgasms this way rather than by bombarding my brain with hundreds of images of different women. So far so good. You should try it. In the coming month, I’m going to continue the same masturbation patterns but focus on phasing out the porn viewing. I’m already feeling like the grip has lessened drastically (2 weeks in and feeling good). I don’t really think I want or need to go cold turkey. I mean, come on, we are constantly bombarded by sexual images as it is, it’s not like it’s something that can be avoided entirely. I just want to get to a point where I feel that my desire to take peeks at naked women is at a reasonable level, no longer a daily necessity. Finally, I’m going to focus on cutting back on my frequency of self-administered orgasms. Definitely not stop, just work on a little bit of self control. That’s my program and I have chosen to go about it on my own.
I’m hoping to have a handle on this by the time I enter my next relationship. My goal will be to focus on the joy of giving pleasure to my partner, not just taking pleasure – rather, sharing it. Making myself available for intimacy, not diluting myself with private fantasies on my own time. Here’s to a healthy sex life!!!
Anyway, I hope my shpeal is somehow helpful to any men out there who are struggling with this issue. Best of luck and don’t give up hope.
M, this is an excellent contribution, full of sane advice. Thank you very much for sharing with us, and I wish you every success. As you say, here’s to a healthy sex life!
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Hi,
Thank you for sharing your experience with us, I can strongly relate to many of the brave points you make. However, I think one of the problems with using porn is that it does involve objectify women and men and personally I don’t think this is OK or a healthy thing to do.
Secondly, in my opinion I think there is no such thing as clean porn, porn always involves some degree of exploitation & even some degree of degradation or humiliation in the creation process.
Thirdly, in my opinion if you want to find happiness in your life and want to be happy with who you are as a person then don’t do porn. I can only say that since I have stopped using porn I am infinitely more content and happy with myself. And no! I haven’t fixed or cured all my life’s problems but now I have let go of a massive ball and chain that was holding me back.
Alex
Jason, you know I like this site and value a lot of your insights into the minds of porn addicts, but there are times when I visit this site and feel like it presents a lot of mixed messages to the point that it almost justifies or enables porn addiction. Maybe it’s because I’m coming at this from a 12-step foundation, but what this guy is saying about “cutting back” and separating porn from masturbation seems like a classic case of an addict justifying the continuation of the addiction in his life. It’s like an alcoholic saying he’ll just have one drink and stop there–everyone but the alcoholic himself knows that isn’t going to work. Also, what he’s saying about objectifying women yet having healthy, loving relationships with them doesn’t make a lot of logical sense either. Basically, he comes across as someone in active addiction who’s still toying with idea of quitting, but is still, in many ways, in denial.
I’m not saying all this to attack you or him, but it seems like the definition of porn addiction is becoming increasingly muddied here, as is the definition of “sobriety” when it comes to porn addiction. It seems like this very complicated disease is being oversimplified, while the method for achieving sobriety is being made to appear more complicated than it really is. It’s not so much your commentary that creates this confusion (I always value your commentary), but the fact that people write in justifying facets of their addiction and aren’t being challenged on those thought process that keep the addiction alive.
Hi Margaux,
I think you raise a very pertinent point about the views and attitudes towards porn addiction expressed on this blog. By inviting anyone to share their stories and feelings, it’s inevitable that we’re going to get a diverse range of opinions. And that’s no bad thing at all, as I’m sure you’ll agree.
Personally and in my therapist role, I have a defined outlook towards porn and the process of breaking the habit. My outlook is often reflected here, but broader discussion adds a lot more value to this blog. So that’s why all of your comments and input is very much appreciated. Porn addiction isn’t the most appealing of topics, after all!
With reference to M’s story above, the following points really spoke to me:
I would reiterate Alex’s valid comment about working to cut out porn completely. When we have experienced a compulsive relationship with porn, we find that cutting back is rarely successful in the long term. Never say never, but most guys find that the old habit instinct is too strong to allow them to ration their exposure to porn.
And I take your point about sexual objectification of women; M’s comment can be construed as paradoxical. So many men find that their porn-driven tendency towards objectification creates great conflict with their real-world interactions with women. An essential part of recovery is recognising and getting real about the messages we may have absorbed from porn.
As you so rightly point out, porn obsession can be a complex issue. Everyone has their own unique experience of the habit, and we cannot be blasé about the impact on our lives. But contributions like M’s story help remind us that porn addiction is not a disease, and putting the habit into positive perspective is often a great starting point for recovery.
When a person has a porn obsession or porn compulsion ( porn use is NOT in my view a disease nor is it an addiction). “Addiction” is a medical term and I don’t feel it is appropriate to use it in the context of using porn. Anyway, I do agree that different people do have different degrees or levels of denial about there use of porn, this much is certainly true as that is my experience both personally and as a trained therapist.
**YES! its certainly possible to feel very torn by inner motives & drives. Part of the self wants to be good and escape the porn habit and at the exact same time another part of the self is drawn to carry on using the porn. These x2 clashing motives can and do exist at the same time, this is what is meant by anxiety or feeling conflicted.
**Another conflict or split is between the sexual fantasy about women or men (inner self) and the experience of real flesh & blood women (or men) i.e. outer reality. The fantasy is often completely different from the living breathing person standing in front of you. In other words there is a split or mis-match between porn fantasy & the sexual reality of a real person. i.e. perfect fantasy women don’t burp or fart etc. Or say inappropriate things when you least expect it.
**YES! masturbation “without” the use of porn is definitely to good thing and should be positively encouraged in my opinion. In fact masturbation minus porn is a positive & healthy way to leave porn behind.
**Its my experience that my core sexual fantasies don’t really change much after a let go of using porn. The STOPPING viewing porn is what has made a massive difference to me.
**Stopping using porn has helped me realize that what is missing in my life is love and intimacy. And that you wont feel very lovable or desirable or gain much intimacy whilst you carry on using porn.
**The erotic should NOT be confused with porn these are x2 different things. Although this is’nt a hard definition by any means but the erotic is powerful by what it fails to reveal or show i.e. is not explicit in nature. Porn is explicit by nature and nothing is hidden or held back. Actually I found porn to be rather un-sexy in the end which seems paradoxical but there you go.
Jason, thanks for clarifying. What I love about your blog is indeed the fact that so many different opinions are expressed and dialogue is encouraged. I think the main point on which we differ–and I’ll address Alex’s comments here as well–is that I do see compulsive viewing of pornography as an addiction and believe that this disease model, as outlined by Dr. Patrick Carnes and other leading sex-addiction experts (I believe Stanton Peele maintains this as well), can include processes/behaviors as well as substances. Where we agree is that there are underlying deep-seated issues that lead one to seek out porn. My stance is that the two aren’t mutually exclusive: Addiction, in all cases–whether it be to heroin or to alcohol or to food or to gambling and, yes, even to sex/masturbation– is merely a symptom of a deeper “life problem.” To me, it’s not what behavior/substance a person ends up using to cope that signifies the problem, it’s the very fact that the person looks to something outside him/herself to cope at all. It’s about someone who, most likely having grown up in a dysfunctional household where healthy tools for coping weren’t modeled, reaches for “a fix” whenever uncomfortable emotions or scenarios come up.
All that said, I respectfully agree to disagree–the argument isn’t all that important. You repeatedly offer great insight into how compulsive porn viewers “tick,” Jason, and even though we each call this problem by a different name, I think we agree on the basics.
Hi Margaux
I have to agree to disagree with you regarding porn as an addiction & not as an obsession or as compulsive behavior. As a trained therapist I think it is very important to use the correct terms to define a problem. Why? because using the wrong terms or terminology leads to the wrong approaches to and even the possibility of wrong or inappropriate attempts at cure.
As I said before addiction is a term used by the medical profession & is commonly used to define more of a physiological kind of problem. This tends to place the problem within a medico-scientific model were the person is seen as a patient. And patients are treated with drugs and are seen as victims without any choice in how they behave. i.e. their behavior is driven by their addiction. I disagree with this view of porn usage. Where as my position is that using pornography, is that porn usage triggers obsession behaviors or triggers the compulsiveness but these traits already exists within that persons personality. The porn only triggers these kinds of repetitiveness.
**We are both in agreement that using porn only covers over deeper life issues. I would also say that porn is a form of masochism and that using porn is potentially damaging, that we only hurt ourselves ultimately.
**My view is that you cannot confront a persons denial & emotional defenses directly or head on. Why? because the human psyche is extremely clever and will find ways to resist any change it finds too threatening.
**YES! I would concede that porn obsession, or porn compulsion does have many overlapping signs or symptoms and so this is why it is often confused with addiction. Addiction tends to stress a more victim kind of mentality were the addict is not in control of their behaviors. Obsession or compulsion tends to place the emphasis in a somewhat different place and tends to stress that the person is making a choice at some level and in trying to help the person (not patient) trying to get that person to the point where they can stand back enough to start to take more responsibility for the choices they are making. Helping them to see they do have a choice in how they behave. Obviously this means helping the person reach the point where they can face the deeper underlying issues by not using porn to numb them out. Yes! its a difficult process and it can be a frustrating sort of backwards and forwards dance between giving up and holding onto the use of porn. Its about helping that person reach a point where they are really ready to face the underlying pain and to help them make sense of this.
“Just porn” is a rather deprecating way to refer to something which is a a hard-core addiction though. I’m not sure such an attitude of “it’s nothing, get over it” is useful for addicts.
“For starters, I want to say that I do not believe that porn is necessarily a great sin. Provided that the source is not exploitive or harmful to those involved, I see no harm in the worship of the female (or male) body, as well as the act of sex.”
I find it odd your failure to consider the exploitation of yourself as a user of porn.
I notice also you continue the theme used in the mainstream that men exploit women in porn and that we need to justify ourselves against our “exploitation/objectification” of women.
Why do we need to justify ourselves as “exploiters” when we are actually the exploited?
Step outside the mainstream paradigms.
Alex, I definitely respect your points, but I’ll continue to agree to disagree, mostly because the debate we’re having here is the debate that’s been going on for decades in the addiction recovery community as well as in the medical and psychiatric research communities, and a universal definition/understanding of addiction still has yet to be reached. To me, addiction “theory” is almost like religion–each person has his or her beliefs based on the research they’ve done and their personal experience, and those beliefs are rarely able to be changed.
It’s an interesting topic to debate and I’ve enjoyed reading both your and Jason’s remarks, but I have a feeling it could go on forever if someone doesn’t drop out of the dialogue. However, I’m always open to hearing other perspectives, which is why I really enjoy reading this blog and the intelligent, insightful points that you, Jason and so many others make here.
Can–I agree that porn not only exploits women, but men as well. (And the statement “porn exploits women” makes the erroneous assumption that only women are in porn and only men watch porn–not true). To take it further, I’d say that porn exploits not only the porn “actor/actress,” but also the viewer. The person who develops an addiction to porn loses so much–if not their jobs, marriages, etc., then at least their self esteem, healthy sexuality, time, and ability to think freely.
I have to agree that pornography does definitely exploits both women and men (porn actress/actresses) involved in the creation of porn. But the consumer or user of the porn also exploits themselves. IMO using porn is an of masochism, dis-empowerment, escapism, denial and so on. Using porn ultimately only hurts yourself. There is No! such thing as clean porn, porn that doesn’t degrade or hurt anyone.