Pornography addiction and relationship risks – a true story

A reader has kindly submitted the following What’s Your Story post:

My own story of internet porn I suppose is not a great deal different from anyone else’s. By that I mean the internet has changed everything.

The first time I had regular access to the internet was at University. I had just left the armed forces and I loved the new freedom that I had. I had been a transvestite all of my life and lived a very cagey double life – had I ever been found out then the Special Investigations Branch of the RAF Police were very unlikley to treat it as a harmless little vice and I was likely to be nailed on suspicion of being homosexual (this was before the armed forces had to catch up to reality and stop treating people like criminals).

I had begun visiting dressing services as soon as I could and have never felt bad about this. But these web pages full of TV’s were simply too much to resist. I was always a very good student and did not abandon my studies. However, I instead dedicated a large amount of time to sitting in front of the screen. At first I was content to simply look at the TV’s and feel like I had found people not unlike myself. I did not visit the more explicit sites.

I have no idea what the event was that turned me but eventually I started to gravitate towards the more explicit TV sites and this has snowballed to where I am now. Some days see me looking at such sites for three hours plus.

TV IRC was the next step and despite how bad this made me feel i actually quite enjoyed it at the time – the feeling of freedom was especially intoxicating. Eventually, the amount of time spent dressing up became nil as the massive rush I used to get from dressing could easily be replicated by a few hours chatting to TV’s (in the most explicit terms one could imagine) was very powerful.

Obviously, I feel very bad about my addiction. My patrner has found out about the IRC and whilst she rather likes the dressing she hates the idea of on line chats with others. I have simply responded in a very amel way – I have simply been more careful.

I have never fealt the slightest bit guilty about my dressing. However, the reliance on internet porn is making me feel very bad about myself in general.

Firstly, thanks for your sharing your situation with such frankness. From the details you provide, a few comments:

I completely agree that you shouldn’t feel the slightest bit guilty about your dressing.

The internet has proved to be a valuable resource for finding kindred spirits, especially when the shared interest is something that is, sadly, still socially frowned upon and misunderstood. For the vast majority of legal, non-abusive and consensual interests that fall into this category, internet communities provide very valid support in accepting your behaviour and realising that you are not alone. I’d say that cross-dressing is a good example.

As you say, your online pursuits have progressed from finding a common community into pornographic and cybersex territory. Many people find that after the initual buzz of freedom and variety that the internet offers, a desire to explore further boundaries gradually creeps up on them. It’s often a combination of natural curiousity, natural pleasure seeking and a desire to sustain that initial stimulation. In themselves, these drives aren’t necessarily any bad thing, of course; it’s a completely standard instinct.

You’ve mentioned a couple of indicators of compulsive behaviour. You clearly resent the amount of time spent on pornographic sites, and your cybersex chat has created a relationship issue. Both common problems resulting from compulsive porn use. I would add that your wife is entitled to feel aggrieved about your online activity, though it’s most likely to be the explicit sexual nature of your chats that upsets her rather than the TV community aspect.

My general advice would be to build on the self-insight and honesty that you clearly already have, and use it to actively address your habit. Rather than beating yourself up or attempting any cold turkey/bottling up exercises, you’ll benefit from adopting a structured action-plan of change. A great long-term objective could be the ability to enjoy your freedom and dressing interest in a non-harmful way that includes your wife rather than hurts and alienates her. If that proves to no longer be a realistic outcome, a plan will also enable you to shine a light on your needs, and discover genuinely fullfilling ways to meet them. You’ve already realised that porn and cybersex isn’t doing that.

There’s no guarantee of a warm and fuzzy ending, of course, but this double-life situation can definitely be positively addressed with committment to a plan and honest, open dialogue.

I wish you and your wife every success.

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